Stable For Now

We just got back from our appt with Dr. S and as of right now we are stable.  My cervix is still funneling but it is long and closed.  Still measuring over 3 cm.  I will continue to take the headache pills (I call them that because they make my head throb like crazy) as needed to keep contractions at bay and I will see Dr. S twice a week for the next two weeks at least.  Once we hit 24 weeks Sawyer has a 50% chance of survival, and an 80% at 26 weeks.  Knowing we are only a couple of weeks away from that, we want to do everything we can to keep him where he needs to be for now.  After 24 weeks we may cut down to once a week check ups.  I am not on strict bed rest but have been told to take it easy. No exercise, no lifting, basically I can go to work and sit at my desk and do the bare minimum at home.  Poor Skeet!!  We will just play it by ear.  I can't believe how quickly things can change!  I go from thinking we are in the clear to this in less than 24 hours!!  I am staying positive though.  I will do whatever it takes to keep Sawyer safe until he is ready to meet us face to face.  I appreciate all the concern and prayers. It means so much to us that so many out there love Sawyer so much!!  Thank you!!

Spoke too Soon!

Well after my good news post this morning I developed a back ache.  One that turned into a doctor visit.  That turned into an ultrasound, which showed my cervix funneling. Not good at 22 weeks.  Dr. S put me on medication to stop contractions.  I have to take these pills (can't remember the name and too lazy to get up and look) every 6 hours until I see him again tomorrow. He also said that if the pain got worse, I should go to labor and delivery.  I am trying to stay positive.  I am also on bedrest so I have been lying around all day.  Just recently my head began to ache too and now I am miserable!! I think the back pains are starting to ease up, so that's good. Hoping for good news tomorrow cause Sawyer needs to stay put for another 3 or 4 months!!

22 Weeks

How far along: 22 Weeks!!





Size of baby: At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.





Weight gain: 11 pounds! I was so surprised when I stepped on the scale yesterday and had only gained a pound in the last two weeks!  I have been eating everything in sight!!




Maternity clothes: Definitely! I was spoiled this Christmas with a bunch of new maternity clothes! (Thanks Mom & Skeet!) So I am feeling very stylish now!




Gender: BOY!! Little Sawyer!




Movement: I cannot believe how active this little guy is!!  My mom and I were watching my stomach the other night and we saw it move twice with his kicks!! He's very strong!  I have a feeling his kicks might start getting painful in the near future!




Sleep: Sleep is getting harder to come by with the body aches and the heartburn. I could probably sleep all day if it weren't for those little issues!





Symptoms: Round ligament pains, heartburn, and constantly hungry!! I am starting to develop some sciatic pain as well... in my butt... not fun! My back aches and I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions too but nothing to worry about.





Cravings: I have been eating everything and loving it!!  I started to get really bad heartburn but started taking Protonix and it has helped so much!! Now I eat what I want, when I want and if I do get some mild heartburn, Tums take care of it!!  Probably not a good thing though... I should really cut down on my eating!



Best moment this week: Christmas was great!  We were able to spend time with family and we all got spoiled.  Sawyer has been more and more active which made it so much more fun!  Also, at my appointment yesterday, Dr. S said that my cervix looked great!  The "pocket" is still there but hasn't changed since our last appointment.  He even told me that I could start walking for exercise, if my body tolerates it.  I am pretty excited to get moving again.  I know I have to take it slow, and easy, but it will be nice to use my muscles!  I go back to see Dr. S in two weeks for another check. 



What I am looking forward to: 2011!! It's going to be an amazing year!  Also, next week we get to go for a 3D ultrasound to see our little monkey's face!  I can't wait to see him again!

21 Weeks!!

How far along: 21 weeks  - Holy cow! Can you believe it?? I can't!





Size of baby:  My baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long - the length of a carrot.  Sometimes it feels like he's practicing martial arts because his  initial fluttering movements have turned into full-fledged kicks and nudges. In other developments, my baby's eyebrows and lids are present now.



Weight gain: 10 pounds! Wow I am catching up fast! I think the weight gain needs to slow down a bit, but it doesn't help that I am on restricted activity still.




Maternity clothes: Definitely! Except for a few shirts. I still look like I am trying to wear a tent when I put on maternity shirts. I am sure I will be growing into them soon.




Gender: BOY!!  We've decided, for now, that his name is Sawyer.




Movement: I feel more and more every day. He is really active. Skeet tried to feel him move the other day but it seems that whenever we try to feel him, he stops moving.  Avery never moved this much and I know I took for granted when she did but I know she was in pain. It is such a huge relief to feel him move all the time!  Just a reminder that this little boy is healthy!



Sleep: Sleep is getting harder to come by with the body aches and the heartburn.  I could probably sleep all day if it weren't for those little issues!




Symptoms: Round ligament pains, heartburn, and constantly hungry!! I am starting to develop some sciatic pain as well... in my butt... not fun!  My back aches and I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions too but nothing to worry about.



Cravings: Everything! I normally love this time of year anyway but I am enjoying it too much this year!!  No wonder the heartburn has been so awful! I eat everything in sight!  Oh and how I love holiday parties... with all the different kinds of food and snacks!!  Maybe that is why the weight is coming on so fast!




Best moment this week: Hearing from Dr. S that my cervix looks long and closed and the pesky fluid pocket has shrunk.  I hope by next week it is gone!!




What I am looking forward to: Christmas!!  I love spending time with family and I haven't felt this happy in years! It is going to be a great year!  I can't wait until next year when we have a little boy to spoil!!

Whew!!

So just a little update!  I have had 2 doctor's appointments this week and both went really well.  The "pocket", "cyst" whatever the heck you want to call it, has gotten smaller.  It moves around a lot which seems really strange but when I saw it on the screen today I let out a huge sigh of relief!  It looks as small as it did the first time we saw it!  My cervix was closed and measured 5 cm today!!  Very good news!  The Dr. down south said he didn't see a need for us to continue making the trip and Dr. S agreed.  He will still be monitoring me closely but he is letting me go 2 weeks between appointments for now.  Yay!!  I am sooo happy!  I really hope that it goes away completely and I can get back to just enjoying every second of this pregnancy. 
Sawyer is looking good and measuring big still!  He is very active which makes his mommy very happy!  We didnt' get to see much of him this week but just hearing that he is growing well is enough for me!  Hopefully we will get to do a 3D ultrasound soon.  It will probably be a couple of weeks but that's okay... the more time he has to fatten up the better!!  I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!! I am pretty sure that we will!!

20 Weeks - Halfway There!!!

How far along: 20 weeks 





Size of baby:Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (Avery was 13 inches... he's catching up fast!)




Weight gain: Probably around 5 or 6 pounds... not sure exactly!






Maternity clothes: Definitely!  Except for a few shirts.  Skeet even asked me yesterday if I was deliberately pushing my stomach out as I was walking across the living room... the gut must be getting bigger because I wasn't pushing it out!! 




Gender: BOY!!





Movement: I feel more and more every day. He is really active. I can't wait until Skeet can feel him move too!




Sleep: Sleep is getting more difficult but I am tired enough to sleep all day. I toss and turn a lot and can't seem to stay on my left side.



Symptoms: Round ligament pains, heartburn, and constantly hungry!! I am starting to develop some sciatic pain as well... not fun!




Cravings: Everything! I am hungry all the time!  This week it has been chocolate and Texas BBQ... which we don't have around here! I could sure go for some juicy smoked turkey!




Best moment this week: This is nothing to do with baby boy, but we got our new laminate wood floors finished this week and they look amazing!  Callie hates them cause she slides all over the place and I know our little guy won't appreciate them much when he's learning to crawl, walk or run, but I am sure somehow he'll manage!!




What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby boy tomorrow and trying to get my two Dr.s and I on the same page. 

Belly Post

15 weeks

18 weeks

19 weeks.

Here are my latest belly pics.. I did do one and 16 weeks but I think I deleted it from my camera.  I don't look as big in the pictures as I feel.  I am posting these cause I have had some complaints so there you go (Kenzie)!!!

Update

I had an appointment with Dr. S today to check my cervix.  I am a little bit frustrated because I see two different things at each Dr.'s office.  When Dr. S does the ultrasound we see the "pocket" (Dr. S doesn't think it is a cyst) very clearly and are able to measure it easily.  It looks long and closer to the baby than the outer part of the cervix.  When Dr. E did the ultrasound he could barely get measurements of the "pocket", it was a different shape, and it looked closer to the outer part of the cervix than near the baby.  Dr S is more concerned. With the measurements today it almost looks like my cervix is almost as much open as it is closed.  However the opening is still just in the middle part.  Both the inner and outer parts look nice and closed.  He still thinks a cerclage would be extreme for me right now and agrees that we should continue weekly monitoring.  So I will see Dr. E next Wednesday and then check in again with Dr. S on Friday.  We didn't really look at our little monkey boy but I saw him moving around in there and could feel him throughout the ultrasound so I wasn't too upset.  Dr. S agreed to do some better pictures and even some 3D but he wants to wait until our little guy bulks up a little bit.  We will probably do it in a couple of weeks.  I can't wait!! 

19 Weeks

Wow! I can't believe we are 19 weeks already!  We were in our 19th week with Avery when we found out that she had a form of Skeletal Dysplasia, most likely lethal.  I am so grateful that our baby boy looks healthy.  I still miss Avery every day and wish that she could be here planning for her brother's arrival but I know she is watching over us and is happy to see her brother finally joining our family!  I have finally been able to imagine what it is going to be like to have a baby in our home.  To smell his soft skin and enjoy every second with him.  Honestly, I am a little scared, not to be a mom but to finally have this baby and then have to watch him grow up so fast!  I know that it will be amazing and I will love every second of it, but I also know how fast it goes and even with 21 weeks left in this pregnancy, I just want to stop time already!  I am loving being pregnant too.  I don't know if all women feel this way or just those of us that have struggled for so long to finally get pregnant but it's a bittersweet thing to count down the weeks.  As much as I want to meet this little boy, I can't help but wish that I could stay pregnant just a little bit longer.  That all might change once I start getting really big and uncomfortable.  But for now I am just content with marveling at my ever growing stomach and the little kicks that remind me that one of the most important people in my life is growing and living inside me.  I love this little boy so much.  I love every kick and can't get enough of just looking at my stomach.  Skeet is even getting better at making an effort to touch my stomach (pregnant stomachs have always freaked him out).  I can't wait for him to feel his son kick and move.  The change I have seen in him over the last couple of weeks is incredible and honestly I don't think that he and I have ever been happier.  This baby has been such a huge blessing to us already!  I don't feel like I deserve to be so happy!  Here is our latest update....


How far along: 19 weeks




Size of baby: Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. His arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of his body now. His kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on his scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on his skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.




Weight gain: Will find out tomorrow.  I am thinking 4 pounds.



Maternity clothes: Yep!!  Still trying to use most of my normal shirts that I can still fit in though.



Gender: BOY!!



Movement: I feel more and more every day. He is really active. I can't wait until Skeet can feel him move too!



Sleep: Sleep is getting more difficult but I am tired enough to sleep all day.  I toss and turn a lot and can't seem to stay on my left side.



Symptoms: Round ligament pains, heartburn, and constantly hungry!!  I am starting to develop some sciatic pain as well... not fun!



Cravings: Everything!  I am hungry all the time!


Best moment this week: Hearing from the specialist that our baby boy doesn't look like he has skeletal dysplasia.  And of course, being taken off of bed rest! 


What I am looking forward to: Seeing Peanut again tomorrow.

In Case Anyone Needed Proof

There is a baby in there and he is for sure, a boy!!

DR. E

We just got back from our appointment with the Peri, Dr. E.  He was great!  Our little boy looks healthy, no sign of skeletal dysplasia.  He is measuring a few days ahead at 18 weeks 5 days.  Dr. E thinks that our baby looks fine but he wants to check again in a month and make sure that he is still growing like he should.  As far as my cervix is concerned, Dr. E believes that the pocket of fluid is actually a cyst.  Which is good, it means that my cervix is probably not opening so we are happy about that.  However, he does want to keep a very close eye on it, to make sure it stays thick and closed.  I will be getting weekly ultrasounds, trading off between him and Dr. S, for the next few weeks to make sure that there are no changes.  I am off of bedrest but I am supposed to take it easy.  No exercise, no heavy lifting, etc.  I can go back to work for now but if I start cramping again or contracting a lot he wants me to go back on bedrest.  So I will be returning to work tomorrow and just paying close attention to my body.  If my cervix ever gets thinner than 2 cm they will most likely do the cerclage.  They will probably also start me on weekly progesterone injections, just as a precaution to try to prevent pre-term labor.

We are so very happy that our little "Mr." looks healthy. I am so excited to start planning for him!!  I know we still have a while before he makes an appearance (fingers crossed) but Skeet and I both are so excited to get his room together and finally decide on a name.  We want to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers! We know this little boy is already so loved!!  Thank you!!!

In answer to Kenzie's question, no we didn't buy Avery a crib. I couldn't bring myself to buy her much because I didn't want to have to face it all later on.

18 Weeks and an Update

Our appointment yesterday went well.  There didn't seem to be much of a change from the last time.  Except maybe that the pocket was a little bit wider.  The inner part of my cervix (up near the baby) actually looked more closed last night than it did last time.  However, the outer part almost looked like it had a ribbon of fluid running through it.  Dr. S didn't seemed too concerned about it though, he said that as long as it wasn't close to 2 cm or more it shouldn't be a concern.  He still wants to keep a close eye on me and he still wants to know what the peri says before we do anything further.  He has told me to stay on bed rest at least until after my appt. with the peri on Wednesday.  Bed rest has been interesting. I have finished 3 and a half books and watched a few movies.  I haven't done as much studying as I probably should.  I do have a final next week so I need to get busy on that!! 


How far along: 18 weeks





Size of baby: 5 1/2 inches long (the size of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces. He's busy flexing his arms and legs. His blood vessels are visible through his thin skin, and his ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from his head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around his nerves, a process that will continue for a year after he's born. 



Weight gain: 2 pounds



Maternity clothes: Lately I have just been wearing sweats and pjs but when I do get dressed I wear maternity pants. I am still trying to make use of my regular shirts but do pull out maternity shirts occasionally.



Gender: BOY!!



Movement: I feel more and more every day.  He is really active.  I can't wait until Skeet can feel him move too!



Sleep: Sleep still isn't a problem.  I do toss and turn a lot but I think that interrupts Skeet's sleep more than mine! Poor guy!  I just can't seem to stay on my left side but it is getting better. 



Symptoms:  Round ligament pains, heartburn, and constantly hungry!!



Cravings: Nothing in particular, I still love chocolate milk and well... just chocolate in general but I have always loved that!!



Best moment this week: We got the crib!!!  It is still in it's box and will probably stay that way for another few months but I love that it's here!  Also, yesterday at our appointment we saw a quick glance of our baby boy (who showed us again that he is in fact a boy) and we saw his beautiful hand waving at us.  Avery's hands always looked like they were always in fists in ultrasounds, his looked perfect! I am soo Happy!!! 



What I am looking forward to: Seeing Peanut again tomorrow and finding out what is going on with my body!  Hopefully it's nothing and I can finally get my Thanksgiving decorations down and my Christmas tree up!!

Bed Rest

The ultrasound today showed that the "pocket" of fluid, or whatever it is, has expanded toward the baby.  If it continues to do so it could open my cervix.  As of right now the outer part of my cervix is still very closed but only measuring about 22 mm.  They like to see it stay above 25 mm.  Because I carried Avery to 32 weeks we don't have any reason to believe that I have an incompetent cervix but Dr. S doesn't want to take any chances with this pregnancy.  He believes that we will probably have to do the cerclage after all.  He believes it is an extreme measure in my case but we both believe that it is better to be safe than sorry.  We didn't schedule it just yet though. For right now I will be on "bed rest", or staying off of my feet as much as possible, until next Monday at least, but most likely until my appointment with the peri on Wednesday.  I will go back to see Dr. Sanders on Monday to see if things look worse but I think he wants to get the peri's opinion before proceeding with the cerclage.  I have been surprisingly positive about everything so far but did let myself start to panic a little bit today.  I love this little boy and want to do every thing in my power to help him stay put as long as possible.  I can't lose him.  So I will be gluing my behind to the couch and doing as little as possible cause it is all I can do along with hope and pray that in 23 weeks we will be holding a healthy, sweet little boy.  We would appreciate any prayers that you can spare for this little boy!  I'll update again when I know more!

17 weeks

How far along: 17 weeks





Size of baby: 5 inches He's about the size of my palm, weighs about five ounces, and is developing some body fat (join the club, baby!). His heart is now regulated by his brain (no more random beats) to beat 140 to 150 times per minute (actually it's 154)— about twice as fast as mine! What else is up? He’s practicing the survival skills he’ll need at birth — like sucking and swallowing.





Weight gain: 0 pounds!!




Maternity clothes: I am wearing mostly maternity pants now and a few of my maternity shirts. Still trying to get use of my normal shirts for now.





Gender: BOY!!





Movement: I am feeling movement much more lately. Even a few kicks here and there.  Love it!!




Sleep: I can sleep pretty easily but am having a hard time with staying on my left side. I get really sore and uncomfortable on that side but if I am on my back or right side I sleep great! I guess I need more practice and one of those great pregnancy pillows!






Symptoms: So tired still and hungry all the time!! 





Cravings: Counting down the days to sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie!  I can hardly wait!!



Best moment this week: I bought Peanut's crib!!! I can't wait to see it, it will be here next week sometime.  Also, I was able to see Peanut again but unfortunately it wasn't for the best reasons.  I have been having contractions and pain in my back.  Dr. S found a small pocket of fluid in my cervix about 4 weeks ago and when he checked my cervix on Saturday the size of the pocket had tripled at least.  He's not sure what it is since it doesn't look like blood.  My cervix is still closed up by the baby where it needs to be closed but it almost looks like this pocket is opening up my cervix from the other side (from the outside in instead of the inside out).  We will be keeping a close eye on things and hopefully when I see the Peri in St. George next week, we will be able to get some more answers.  There is a chance that if it is opening up, we will have to have a cerclage stitch done to keep this little Peanut where he needs to stay for the next 23 weeks.  I am not really panicking yet and trying to have a positive attitude.  I have faith that Dr. S is doing everything he can for us.


What I am looking forward to: Seeing Dr. S this afternoon to see if the pocket has grown. Also seeing family and friends over the holiday!  We will be asking for advice from our families about what we should name our Peanut!!

16 weeks and....

How far along: 16 weeks





Size of baby:  4.5 inches. The size of an avocado. In the next few weeks, my baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as my baby continues to develop.




Weight gain: 0 pounds!! 



Maternity clothes: I am wearing mostly maternity pants now and a few of my maternity shirts.  Still trying to get use of my normal shirts for now.


Gender: Our Peanut has a peanut... between his legs!!! Yep that's right, we are having a BOY!!  See story below.



Movement: I am feeling movement much more lately.  Even a few kicks here and there.



Sleep: I can sleep pretty easily but am having a hard time with staying on my left side.  I get really sore and uncomfortable on that side but if I am  on my back or right side I sleep great!  I guess I need more practice and one of those great pregnancy pillows!




Symptoms: Still getting nausea occasionally but it's nothing I can't handle.  Heartburn and headaches are what I am fighting most right now. 




Cravings: Everything!!  I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving!  All that yummy food! I can hardly wait!



Best moment this week: Well first it was getting the doppler in the mail (Thanks again Holly! You are awesome!) and listening to Peanuts heartbeat and movements.  Then yesterday at our appointment with Dr. Sanders, he decided we needed to try to see what the baby was before Thanksgiving.  Peanut was standing on his head so Dr. S wasn't sure if we could get a good look but he is pretty confident that our Peanut is a Mr.!!!  He kept going over the area and seeing what he called "a third leg".  We have a couple of pictures but nothing worth scanning.  Peanut was really active and kept moving around but Dr. S checked a few different positions and from each one Peanut looked all Boy!!!  Dr. S also did a measurement of our little guy's femur bone.  When they measured Avery's femur at 19.5 weeks it measured at around 14 weeks.  Peanut's femur bone measured 15 weeks 5 days at 15 weeks 6 days so I pretty much breathed a huge sigh of relief and cried some tears of pure joy.  We will still be going to St. George in 2 weeks just to make sure everything looks good and Dr. S wants us to do a Quad screen to test for Down Syndrome, Spina Bifida and a couple of other things.  I don't really want to do that test but he was really pushing it so I guess we will.  But as of right now I believe there is a healthy baby boy in my belly and I couldn't be happier!




What I am looking forward to: Shopping for my little guy and eating lots of yummy food next week.

15 Weeks

Today we celebrate making it to 15 weeks!  The past 11 weeks have gone by so slow but so fast at the same time... if that makes any sense.  I still have a hard time believing that I am really pregnant... with a real baby!!  If it weren't for my stomach growing every day I would be in complete denial.  I think back on my BFP (big fat positive!!) and it all seems like a dream.  I don't think I ever posted the story so I will do it now, just so that I have it written down in case I ever forget.  I woke up on the morning of August 21 and thought to myself that something didn't seem right.  My boobs hurt like crazy and they had been this way for well over 2 weeks.  That is how I knew that I had ovulated.  I didn't know exactly when but I knew that it had been a while and AF should have arrived by then.  Just the day before I had been complaining to a good friend of mine that my stomach was so bloated that I looked pregnant and I told her how much I hate when it does that because it's like my body is teasing me.  I did not, at that point, believe I was pregnant... at all.  So anyway, on the 21st I finally decided, in the middle of the day, to go to the store and get the cheapest pregnancy test they had.  I didn't think it would be positive but I was going to a party later that day and didn't know if I would want to have a drink or not so I thought I had better be safe and just take the dang test.  I went home and with what little I had in my bladder, I peed on a stick.  Within 2 minutes I saw a hint of a line.  I knew if I showed it to anyone else they would probably tell me it was negative but I had heard about these "shadow" lines and I started to let myself believe that it might be possible.  I decided that I would test again in the morning and no, I didn't drink anything at the party.  Despite the pressure I got from my peers ( you know who you are!!) 

The next morning I got up at about 5 a.m. to pee and decided to take the 2nd test.  When I didn't see anything right away I put the test down and went back to bed.  I had woke Skeet up and when he asked how the test went I told him it was negative.  A couple of hours later, when I got up for the day, Skeet was gone to work and I went into my bathroom and just happened to glance at the test I had left on the counter.  There was definitely a second line there!! I couldn't believe it!!  I called Skeet right away and told him that I had lied and that the test was positive.  I don't think he really believed it either!  I knew better than to get my hopes up.  I decided not to tell anyone until after we had a couple of blood tests to confirm.  After our blood tests confirmed the pregnancy that week I told my parents but decided to not start spreading the news until we saw an actual heartbeat.  It was after seeing that beautiful heartbeat that I announced that we were pregnant to the world!  I feel pretty fortunate that I didn't have to take it back.  With every appointment we had I could only picture going in to see Dr. S and getting bad news but every time so far the news has been pretty good! 

So why can't I let myself get excited about this baby?  It's because I am scared to death!  The only thing I know is loss.  I have never experienced anything but loss when it comes to pregnancy so who can blame me for being a little hesitant about this one?  I am trying to be positive.  I try to think about the future and try to imagine what our lives will be like next summer, after our baby is born.  I try to picture a nursery in our home and how Callie will treat a new member of the family.  However, I can't.  I think somewhere deep down I am trying to protect myself from a potential heartbreak.  Skeet is much more optimistic than I and it really helps.  He brings me back down when I start to feel like I am crawling on the ceiling with anxiety.  He talks about our baby as if he knows she will be around this time next year ( and yes he refers to the baby as she... it is so dang cute!).  So if it weren't for my amazing hubby, I think I would be a complete and total basket case right now. 

Now that I have that all off my chest I will get on with the 15 week update...

How far along: 15 weeks





Size of baby: 4 to 4.5 inches.  The size of a large navel orange or an apple.  His legs are much closer to being proportionate to her body.




Weight gain: When I checked last week I still had 3 pounds to go before I reached my pre pregnancy weight.  I am sure I will be there by my next weigh in.




Maternity clothes: Wearing maternity pants more often now but still trying to wear belly bands when I can get away with it.  They are getting to be such a pain though because every time I sit down at work my pants pop out the bottom of the belly band and I have to keep fixing it.  I am staying away from maternity shirts as much as possible still, although I have broken out a few t-shirts here and there.



Gender: 3 more weeks.  I just don't know really.  I will be happy either way... just as long as the baby is healthy!!




Movement: I am feeling the fluttering more frequently and love every second of it!!  Although when I can't feel it I freak out, which I know it is way to early for that.




Sleep: Still no problem sleeping. I could sleep all day, every day and still sleep through the night. Getting better at sleeping on my side... the key is pillows... lots of pillows!!




Symptoms: The morning sickness came back for a few days last week but seems to be better again the past couple of days.  I just have to be eating constantly.  I am still really tired... all the time.  I also have been having more and more round ligament pain and have been blessed with an increase in charlie horses (do they still call them that?) or cramps in my feet and legs.  Headaches and heartburn (or acid reflux) have also become more frequent.



Cravings: Chocolate milk and ice water.  For those of you who really know me you know that I normally prefer to not have ice in my beverages, unless I am drinking through a straw, but now I can't go without ice!!



Best moment this week: Hearing Peanut's heartbeat last week while I was at the Dr.'s office with my mom.  It was holding strong at 153 bpm.  Such a beautiful sound!



What I am looking forward to: Next Monday is my OB appointment and only 3 more weeks until our BIG ultrasound. 

Look at this gut!!

Nuff said!!

2nd Trimester!!

How far along: 14 weeks




Size of baby: Around 3 and a half inches (the size of a lemon).  Peanut weighs 1 and a half ounces too!  If all is going well, by the end of the week Peanut's arms will be proportionate to the rest of her body.  But his legs still have some catching up to do!



Weight gain: Still not sure..I really need to invest in a scale!


Maternity clothes: Still wearing belly bands most of the time but have broken out the maternity pants and have worn them a couple of times... I just forgot how ugly they can be!!


Gender: Only 4 more weeks until we find out... what do you think?  Skeet is sure that Peanut is a girl.


Movement: I now think that the fluttering is in fact Peanut dancing around.  If I hold really still sometimes I can feel it!


Sleep: Still no problem sleeping. I could sleep all day, every day and still sleep through the night. Getting better at sleeping on my side... the key is pillows... lots of pillows!!


Symptoms: I have been feeling so much better! Occasionally if I don't eat every couple of hours I will start to feel sick and even get really shaky and faint.  I have been having more and more headaches and heartburn.  I am starting to feel round ligament pains too.  My gut is getting huge (as you may have seen in my last post) and my boobs are keeping up rather well!  I am still tired all the time but I am hoping that will start getting better so that I have more energy to work out or even clean my house! 


Cravings: Mexican food and chocolate milk... although I don't think I could handle them together!


Best moment this week: Making it to the 2nd trimester!!  We are about a third of the way through this pregnancy!!


What I am looking forward to: 2 more weeks until my next OB appt and 4 until our level II ultrasound in St. George.  I am getting so nervous!

Belly Shot!

This is my 13 week belly shot! I think I look huge for 13 weeks. I don't really know why I am so big... I don't think it is fat really but whatever it is, I love it!!

Skeet tried to get the belly in the shot but the flash just got my really pale face instead!!  You can use your imagination!

We were lucky enough to go to a couple of fun Halloween parties this year!  I was a 1920's flapper and Skeet was a GYN with a kind of gross name so I won't put it here... 

13 weeks!

How far along: 13 weeks

Size of baby:  Around 3 inches (the size of a medium shrimp)

Weight gain:  Not sure, I guess I should start weighing myself more often but I don't own a scale!!  The last time I was weighed I had lost 11 pounds total.

Maternity clothes:  Just belly bands right now but my mom and sister picked out some really cute stuff and now I can't wait to wear it!!

Gender:  Only 5 more weeks until we find out!!

Movement:  Every once and a while I feel a fluttering and though I am sure it is gas, I like to think that I can feel the baby moving.  I think I am a few weeks away from that still.

Sleep:  Still no problem sleeping. I could sleep all day, every day and still sleep through the night. Although I have been trying to sleep on my left side (so I can get in the habit) and that has not been easy!

Symptoms:  The nausea still comes at night and occasionally during the day if I don't eat constantly.  Still tired constantly and am looking forward to getting some energy back.  Boobs still hurt like crazy and are getting huge!  Heartburn is starting to occur more frequently and unfortunately Tums are starting to make me nauseous. 

Cravings:  Nothing has really stood out this last week other than chips and salsa.  I want Mexican food all the time but that doesn't really help with the heartburn.

Best moment this week:  Well it starts with a bad moment.  Yesterday I had some pretty severe pain in my lower stomach and it freaked me out pretty bad.  I called Dr. S and he had me come in right away.  There was no spotting or any reason to believe I was miscarrying but the pain was so bad at times that I couldn't stand up straight or even walk.  It would come and go so I didn't know if it was serious or not.  Dr. S did an ultrasound and saw a small sac of fluid in my cervix but didn't think it was anything to be too concerned with.  His other two suggestions were that I have kidney stones or that I was having really bad gas.  The best part of it all was that I was able to see Peanut for a moment.  I don't know if I can call her Peanut anymore because he's starting to look like a baby!  She was waving her arms and kicking her legs around.  He was so dang cute!!  He wouldn't hold still long enough for them to measure the heartbeat but Dr. S said she looked great! 

What I am looking forward to:  Only 3 more weeks until our next check-up and our BIG ultrasound is scheduled for Dec. 1st.  This one I am looking forward to and dreading at the same time.  I can't wait to feel this baby move!!

12 Weeks! Yay!!

How far along: 12 weeks

Size of baby: Peanut should be about 2 1/2 inches, the size of a large plum

Weight gain: As of last week I have lost 11 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Just belly bands, but the belly is growing... you never know!

Gender: Most think girl but there are a few that are sure it's a boy!  We'll see in another 6 weeks!

Movement: Not yet but I am looking forward to that day!

Sleep: I could sleep all day! Sleeping is not a problem yet and I am trying to enjoy it while I can!

Symptoms: The nausea is letting up a little bit. I still get it in the mornings and at night before bed, but there are a couple of hours in the middle of the day that, if I keep food in my stomach, I feel somewhat normal. My boobs are still swollen and sore and I am tired ALL THE TIME!! 

Cravings: It changes from day to day.  Lately it's been cheeseburgers... you know the good kind from Top Spot or Brads, but in a pinch McDonalds will do.  I also love chips and salsa!!

Best Moment this week: Making it to 12 weeks of course!

What I am looking forward to: Feeling the baby move for the first time.  Also, we go back in 4 weeks for a check up... don't know how I will make it that long!

Ultrasound update

Well Peanut looks great!  Measuring ahead a few days at 11 weeks 4 days and has a very strong heartbeat.  We didn't get to see him move to much but she must have been moving a lot when they were trying to get his heartbeat on the doppler cause all they could hear was her moving around but could never get the heartbeat.  I have to admit that had both mom and dad panicking a little bit.  We are so relieved that our baby looks good.  Dr. S doesn't want to see us back for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!  I don't know how I am going to make it that long.  I am a nervous wreck every day, I really need to find something to take my mind off of it all.

As for me, I woke up this morning with the worst headache ever and my stomach refused to let me take anything for it, even after Skeet was sweet enough to run to Maverick at 6 a.m. to buy me Tylenol and a Sprite.  I have been able to keep some water and a piece of toast down since then so Dr. S just told me to let him know if the headache comes back or if the vomiting gets worse.  I DO NOT want to go to the hospital so I am taking it easy at home and praying that by tomorrow I feel somewhat normal again so that I can make it to the Wave of Light Memorial! 

Happy Birthday Avery

Wow, has it really been 3 years?  Today is the only day of the year that I really let myself go back and think about everything that happened that day and the days leading up to it.  I can still remember it like it was yesterday and it is still bittersweet.  I am  very emotional this year and I blame it mostly on the hormones but I am also really sad about all we missed out on this year.  3 year olds are so much fun.  Learning all that they can and asking every and any question they can think of.  They are learning about the world and experimenting with everything around them.  I know that she would be a handful and I would be twice as exhausted as I already am because I believe we would still be pregnant.  Mostly because when we were pregnant with Avery we thought we would wait until she was about 3 before we tried again.  I know I would  be okay though.  Moms do it all the time.  I have an amazing friend who has 3 young kids and is pregnant with her 4th... honestly I think she is supermom, I don't know how she does it. 
We had Avery's birthday party last night because my parents left this morning for Philly to visit my sister and the little monster (who I miss tremendously... hint hint).  We did a balloon release at the cemetery with the help of my gorgeous nieces and then had pizza (Midvalley Pizza of course) and a Blizzard cake.  I am so grateful to my family for being so understanding of my need to celebrate Avery's birthday.  It's the one day a year that I make sure that everyone remembers her.  This year my cute 5 year old niece had all kinds of questions about Avery and about the new baby in my tummy.  It was adorable.  I love the innocence of children.  I wish they could stay that way forever! 
We get to celebrate Miss Avery twice this week, on Friday we will be attending a Wave of Light Memorial to observe Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  I am so excited for this event because Mari and Beckie will be performing Avery's song live.  I will finally get to thank them face-to-face and let them know how much it really means to Skeet and I, and our families.  I know the song has touched so many lives and I feel so unworthy of such an amazing gift.  (If you can't make it to the memorial, and you haven't heard the song, there is a small player on the right side of my blog that will play the song if you hit the play button). 

Today I went to the cemetery, lit a candle, and sat and talked to Avery for almost 20 minutes. (I wanted to read her story to her but I couldn't find my hard copy in my mess of a house so I may have to do it later this week or this weekend).  I like to believe that she could hear me and that she knows how much I love her and miss her.  I feel like Skeet and I have missed out on so much because we had to say goodbye to her so soon, but I also know that she is very special and was needed back in Heaven.  We are so proud to be her parents and we can't wait to tell her new brother or sister all about her. 

One thing that has been especially tough is remembering all the details of her birth and the days afterward when we had to put our daughter in the ground.  I have had a hard time with that mostly because I know that I am not strong enough to do that again.  I hope and pray that this child I am carrying is healthy.  Losing another baby may put me over the edge.  Most would think that the fact that I am expecting again would make this birthday easier but it is actually the opposite.  It stresses me out. 

Thank you to all of our family and friends that have expressed their thoughts and prayers to us over the last couple of days.  We are so grateful for all of you and appreciate all you do.  We love you!!  I will update tomorrow after our ultrasound.

11 weeks

How far along: 11 weeks



Size of baby: Peanut should be about 2 inches, the size of a small plum

Weight gain: um.. not sure.. will update tomorrow
Maternity clothes: Just belly bands, hoping the maternity clothes can stay in the closet for at least another month or two.


Gender: Unknown


Movement: Not yet but I am looking forward to that day!

Sleep: I could sleep all day! Sleeping is not a problem yet and I am trying to enjoy it while I can!


Symptoms: The nausea is letting up a little bit.  I still get it in the mornings and at night before bed, but there are a couple of hours in the middle of the day that, if I keep food in my stomach, I feel somewhat normal.  My boobs are still swollen and sore and I am tired ALL THE TIME!!
Cravings: Frozen burritos (I eat them cooked of course), salty foods, fruit, salads, Midvalley Pizza and occasionally chips with my  mother-in-law's yummy homemade salsa


Best Moment this week: Hitting 11 weeks! Only 1 more until the 12 week mark!


What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound tomorrow and then hitting the 12 week mark! Then it's goodbye Metformin and goodbye Progesterone! It will be nice to only have to take a Prenatal vitamin every day!

Wave of Light Memorial

To all my local friends out there... I know some of you have experienced pregnancy loss and would like to extend this invitation to you.  Please let me know if you would be interested in attending.  We would love for this to be an annual event and it would be great if we could get a good turn out this year.  Plus, Mari and Beckie will be singing Avery's song live!  I can't wait!  We do need to keep count of how many will be attending though, so if you would like to pleast let me know.  Also, if you know of others who might be interested please let them know.  Thank you!! 

10 Weeks

How far along: 10 weeks

Size of baby: Peanut should be about an inch and a half at this point, the size of a prune. 

Weight gain: -8 lbs.
Maternity clothes: None yet but I finally broke out the belly bands!

Gender: Unknown
Movement: Not yet but I am looking forward to that day!

Sleep: I could sleep all day!  Sleeping is not a problem yet and I am trying to enjoy it while I can!

Symptoms: Nausea, headaches, sore boobies (sorry TMI), fatigue, you name it, I've got it!
Cravings: Frozen burritos (I eat them cooked of course), salty foods, fruit, salads.

Best Moment this week: Hitting 10 weeks!  Only 2 more until the 12 week mark!

What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound next week and then hitting the 12 week mark! Then it's goodbye Metformin and goodbye Progesterone!  It will be nice to only have to take a Prenatal vitamin every day!

Gummi Bear!!!

I was lucky enough to see our Peanut again today!  Everything looks great! My fluid levels are good and the baby is growing perfectly!  Heartbeat is measuring at 174 bpm and I was able to see our baby moving her arms and legs!!  She is also measuring 1 inch long!  Dr. S seems very pleased with our progress but is still concerned about getting us past 12 weeks.  Today I am 9 weeks 2 days so I have a little under 3 weeks before we hit that 12 week mark and I may drive myself crazy with nerves before then! 
Dr. S also tried to get me a 3D pic but the baby kind of looked like a bumpy blob... but like Dr. S said, it's a beautiful blob and it's my blob!!  I personally think the baby looks like a Gummi Bear at this point!  So cute! 
At my appointment today they took down all of my history and gave me books, pamphlets and other info on pregnancy.  I thought for sure when they handed me that bag this pregnancy would feel more real, but it didn't.  I still have to pinch myself multiple times a day just to see if I am dreaming.  Even watching our baby move around on the screen seemed so unreal to me.  I wish Skeet could have been there.  He has been out of town for our last 3 ultrasounds.  I go back in two weeks for our last ultrasound for a while and he just HAS to be there!!  I will reschedule that appointment over and over if I have to, just so that he can be there and experience it.  Our appt. is currently on 10/14, the day after Avery's birthday.  I think I might try to change it to her birthday.  It might be something special that Skeet and I do together that day since we have to have her birthday party the day before so that my parents can participate.  (They are going to Philly to visit my sister and her family.. I am sooo jealous!) 
As far as pregnancy symptoms go I am still nauseous on a daily basis but it is bearable. I even gained some of the weight I had lost back because I have been able to eat more than I could the first few weeks.  Actually, it was kind of sad to see how much I had gained back but as long as I don't get too far beyond my pre pregnancy weight too quickly, I think I can handle it.  I can't button up most of my pants at this point and will be pulling out the belly bands if I can find them this weekend.  I may have to start shopping for a new bra as well.  Tums have become my best friend because just about everything gives me heartburn... even water at times.  Luckily the Tums are working (they didn't when I was pregnant with Avery) and I hope that they will continue to. 
Right now I think I am mostly worried about whether or not this baby is healthy.  If he has OI type II like Avery, there is nothing we can do about it but I still pray every day that she is healthy and that we will get to keep him.  I figured it out and we will find out one way or the other, right before Christmas.  Oh I hope we have a GREAT Christmas this year! 

So there you have my pregnancy rant... I will try to post again next week but my next appt is not for another 2 weeks so I may not have much to report!

7 years!!

Today Skeet and I celebrate our 7th anniversary!  7 years has gone by so quickly but so much has happened!  We got married at a beautiful little venue in Enoch called Willow Glen Inn.  The trees at this place are amazing! It was a beautiful day, so green and warm!  I look back now and think of how naive I was back then.  Never would I have ever believed that we would suffer from infertility, or that we would have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant with our first child, only to have to say goodbye and bury her only months later.  A lot of marriages wouldn't have survived what we have been through but our marriage is stronger than ever.  For a couple that met on a blind date and didn't even know each other a year before they got married, we have a love, and a marriage, stronger than most I have known.  I am so thankful, everyday, for Skeet and the love and support that I get from him on a daily basis.  He is my rock and my best friend.  I look forward to spending the rest of my life loving him.  He is going to be an amazing dad! I can't believe that when we celebrate our next anniversary we will have a little baby to celebrate with! How awesome is that?

I love you Skeet! More today than ever and even when I think it's impossible you find ways to make me love you more.  Happy Anniversary baby! You are the BEST!!!

Rainbows

Rainbow Baby is the term given to the babies that come after a loss.  It has been almost 3 years since we lost Avery and I think I needed that 3 years to fully grieve.  Today, as I was driving into town to see Dr. S for my 3rd ultrasound I looked up to see a big, beautiful rainbow.  At that instant all the anxiety I was having about the appointment disappeared.  It was almost like someone was telling me not to worry, that my rainbow baby was okay. 

Baby Bean has officially graduated to a Peanut!!  He/She is measuring right on at 8 wks 1 day (or 1.69 cm) and has a heartbeat of 170 bpm.  My fluid levels looked great today and Peanut is starting to look more like something each week!  I have lost another 3 pounds which brings my total weight loss to 11 pounds.  I have been eating more because I haven't felt quite as sick since Dr. S lowered my Metformin dose from 1500 mg to 1000 mg daily.  It has made a huge difference.  I still feel nauseous most of the day but I can at least eat without feeling like I am going to die!  As of today I have only thrown up once which is huge for me because I fight back the urge many times a day.  I hate throwing up... you have no idea how much.  So when I feel it coming on I breathe through it and try to think of something else and it usually works... except for that one time. 

At our first ultrasound Dr. S said that I had ovulated from my left side, but today after I insisted he check my right tube (I know I am too paranoid) he said that I in fact, ovulated from the right side.  My ovary on that side is huge and swollen and it really hurt when he pushed on it.  Actually it still hurts. 

Another thing that was brought up at this scan was that Dr. S wants me to go to St. George for a detailed scan at around 18 weeks to make sure this baby doesn't have any of the genetic problems we ran into with Miss Avery.  I can't believe I have to wait another 10 weeks to know if this baby is healthy or not.  I guess all I can do is keep praying and try to stay positive.  At least I don't have to see Dr. G because I heard a rumor he's not around anymore... Yay!!  I go back to Dr. S next week for my first OB appointment and another scan.

I want to thank everyone for  your encouraging words and especially for your prayers.  It means so much to us that there are so many out there praying for our peanut!! 

7 Weeks

I went in today for my second ultrasound.  Our bean has grown and is measuring at exactly 7 weeks.  It has a heartbeat still (whew), 132 bpm.  Dr. S said that everything looked okay except that the fluid around the baby is low, which is a cause for concern this early on.  He said that there isn't really anything I can do so I will go back in next week for another ultrasound to check on our bean.  I guess all we can do now is pray... which is what I have been doing constantly since I got the first positive pregnancy test. 
I have been really, really nauseous and tired along with some other symptoms that I won't discuss here!  Today I finally asked for some phenegren gel (sp?). I am not sure it's going to work cause it didn't with Avery but I will try it anyway.  I have lost almost 8 pounds since I found out so I am thinking I need to be eating a little bit more and the only way I can do that is to stop feeling so sick all the time (which, don't get me wrong, I am totally, 100% grateful for!!). 
One of these days I will write down the story of the first couple of days of this pregnancy but for now I was just hoping that I could ask for you to pray again for our baby bean, that it will continue to grow and be healthy and that the fluid issue will resolve itself.  Thank you!!

You are NOT going to believe this!

(Kate this picture was taken just for you!!  Sorry I didn't have any granite for a background!)

I know the picture isn't great but yep... that's right!  We're pregnant!  It is really early, I shouldn't be spreading the news just yet cause there is still a chance I might have to take it back.  It's actually really stupid of me to be telling anyone just yet, I hope I don't jinx myself but I just can't hold it in any longer!  Today we were able to see our little bean's heartbeat and it was AMAZING!! 

Just a quick recap of how this happened... well let's just say it was a COMPLETE surprise!  I wasn't taking anything, I wasn't tracking anything, and I definitely wasn't expecting anything like this.  I feel so blessed.  I have just become one of those woman that I have always envied and I am loving every minute!  We are around 6 weeks along, which puts us due around the first of May. Dr. S says I am not out of the woods yet, which I totally get, am I ever really out of the woods? We are going back in next week for another ultrasound to check on little bean.  I hope that it's okay if I ask anyone who reads this to pray for our little bean, that it will continue to grow into a healthy baby.  We would appreciate any help we can get!  Thank you!

Mommy Models time again!!

This year I was lucky enough to do Mommy Models with my mom and my sister! I love how the pictures turned out and I LOVE Emily!!!  Go here to vote! Make sure you click on "Vote Here" and then vote for #3 or #7. 

Taking a break

I don't know if anyone visits this blog anymore.  I know I haven't posted anything worth reading in a while.  Actually, I haven't posted ANYTHING for a while.  I am going to take this opportunity to make my excuses!!  School kept me incredibly busy this summer but I am proud to announce that I got through it okay and ended up with two "A"s and an "A-".  I had hoped to be able to take Fall Semester off and just focus on something else but no such luck.  I have to take a Communications class, which won't be too bad, but the thought of doing more homework makes me want to scream! 

Another reason I have been neglecting my blog is mainly because I have been trying to avoid blogs in general.  A lot of what I was reading everyday was really depressing me.  No offense to any of you.  I normally love reading your blogs but I have been in a funk lately and reading about everyone else's happy news just made me sad.  I know, I am pathetic.  I think I need to start back on my anti-depressants, actually I KNOW I need to start on them again.  I just hate the idea of relying on drugs to feel like a normal person.  It's something I need to just get over, but I really hate dealing with the side effects, and honestly I think Skeet does too! 

You can probably guess that nothing has been happening on the baby front.  I thought, for a minute there, that I might be ready to start looking into adoption.  It is something I have always wanted to do but never realized how much work it is.  I began doing Internet searches for ideas for profiles and what not and every time I began reading into it I would have an anxiety attack.  I don't think the idea of adopting is the problem, I think the process is what freaks me out.  It might have something to do with the fact that I have a fear of being judged.  I have a hard time thinking of reasons why Skeet and I would deserve a baby more than someone else.  How do you put yourself out there so completely to strangers when there is something as precious as a baby involved.  Then there is the fear that we would finally be chosen by a birth mother only to have her change her mind at the last minute, or even months after having the baby in our home.  I think I have a lot of fears to work through before I will be able to begin the process, but I have no idea where to start! 

Because of all this, I have decided to take a little break.  From blogging and from Facebook.  If something blog-worthy happens I may jump on to share but I think I need to try to work through my issues without finding out that every person I know is pregnant or has adopted.  It is not that I am not happy for each of you.  I really am and wish you all the happiness in the world.  I am just ready to be happy for me too.  Maybe it's selfish but it is something I need right now.  Thank you all for your friendship and support!  I hope that you will forgive me if I have offended!  I love you!!

Where Did Summer Go?

I know it's been a while since I have update, AGAIN!  I have a hard enough time keeping up with all the blogs I read, let alone writing a couple of new posts  myself.  Things have been crazy with school.  I feel like all I do anymore is homework. It gets pretty frustrating sometimes, knowing that I could be out in the yard pulling weeds, or spending some much needed time on the mountain.  (Callie & I both need the exercise).  I can't believe that in a few short weeks, Fall semester will be starting and work will get crazy busy again. 

So as far as updates go, there's not much to tell.  I did run a 5K (my first race ever!) with my beautiful and inspiring friend Carrie.  We did really good considering that it was our first race and we were both frozen (Carrie more so than I) by the time the race started.  We finished the race in 27.41 minutes.  I am so proud of us.  She keeps saying that next year we will do the 10K but I haven't ran since the race so I'm not sure I will be up for a 10K by then.  No really, I do hope that in a years time I will have improved enough to do a 10K. 

In other news, I did end up ovulating this cycle.  I thought I had ovulated around CD16 but my temps told me otherwise.  Then around CD29 I had a huge spike in temperature and it has stayed up since.  Unfortunately it looks as though AF is on her way.  I wasn't really expecting much from this cycle, really I wasn't.  However, it has been really hard on me.  I don't know why.  I keep thinking about how great it would be if Skeet and I were to have a baby.  I keep wondering what our next baby would look like and what kind of a personality it would have.  I wonder what we would name him/her and how our families would react.  All of these thought are torture, complete torture.  But I can't help it.  These thoughts come out of nowhere and consume me.  I still miss Avery every day and wonder what our lives would be like now, if she were still with us.  The problem is, I don't want to think about these things.  I want to be able to just move on.  To say that it just must not be in the cards for us and to go forward.  I want to be okay with it, but the more I try, the less likely it seems that it will ever happen.  I don't think the Human Development class I am taking is helping either.  I will read about issues that people deal with at every stage of life and it just reminds me of what we are missing out on.  Yea it might suck to have a rebellious teenager or a child with a learning disability, but I feel cheated cause I may never get the chance to find out.  I know that probably sounds messed up... I am kind of messed up these days. 

Oh and one more thing, I had decided to go to the cemetery to visit Miss Avery the other day and I walk up to find her headstone twisted at an angle that it was not supposed to be in.  It looked like someone had hit it with a lawnmower or something.  The cement that was holding it to its base was broken all around it.  Without thinking, I grabbed it and twisted it back, said goodbye to her and stalked off very angrily.  As I was driving home I kicked myself for not getting a picture before I moved it back, or even just leaving it be for evidence.  I have a call in to the cemetery but they haven't called me back.  I really hope they offer to fix it because if they don't, they will be getting a very nasty, very mean phone call or visit from Skeet.  He can be scary when he wants to be.  I wouldn't want to be at the other end of that.  I think he should do a personal visit... he's much more intimidating that way.  Either way, I hope we can get it fixed soon... it makes me sad to think that it's not perfect for her.

Not Much

I know I haven't posted in a while, not much has been going on with us.  Skeet spent 2 weeks in St. George to finish off his Master's class he started last fall.  I have been busy with school, work and volunteering in the Radiology Dept. at the hospital.  I am sure most everyone has figured out by now that our last cycle didn't result in a pregnancy.  I was going to take a nice long break from TTC because of Skeet's unpredictable work schedule during fire season, but I did know where he was going to be around ovulation in June so I decided to go for it again.  I didn't do acupuncture this time though and I am wondering if that made a difference because I am 98% sure that I didn't ovulate this cycle.  I did get positive OPKs and felt all the right twinges around the time that ovulation was supposed to happen, but my temps didn't go up so I don't think ovulation actually happened.  I am now waiting for Aunt Flow to show but if I didn't ovulate, she isn't likely to show.  I will not be doing clomid for a couple of months and that is only if I do decide to go that route again.  I need to meet with Dr. S again and find out what he thinks I should do.  I just wish that someone could tell me one way or the other, yes it is possible that you can get pregnant this way or no, it will definitely not work.  It would be so much easier if I just knew. 
So anyway, other than that we are just praying for some fires (not anything big, just enough to get some overtime and hazard pay) and I keep hoping the summer will slow down a bit so I can enjoy it.  That's not likely to happen though.

I HATE Mean and Ignorant People!!!

So I found this comment when I logged on to my blog this morning.  At first I was mad and hurt but then I just felt sorry for this person.  How cruel and stupid does a person have to be to go around looking for blogs to leave incredibly rude and opinionated comments on.  This person (I only know as Beee, too much of a coward to leave their name) really just seems pathetic and sad.  How closed minded can one person be? 

"OK, I have read enough and wanted to say that not only do you seem so incredibly fake, but delusional as well. You think that baby was a gift to you? Are you nuts? Whether you care to face it or not, that baby suffered prenatally because of YOUR selfishness to force the issue of bearing a child. You messed with Mother Nature and needlessly bore a child whose fate was predetermined through physiological and medical complications. I just don't get people like you who know in advance that you are unlikely candidates to become natural parents and then attempt to have fertility doctors wave a magic wand. Get real. There is nothing heavenly about this, but undoubtedly you will continue to spread your BS about a blessing from god. You should have pursued adoption INSTEAD...from the beginning.

I know you won't post this, but at least you'll read it, sickos!!"

All I can say is that I KNOW Avery was a gift and her condition had NOTHING to do with how she was conceived.  Infertility is a disease and those of us that suffer from it have every right to use modern medicine to try to correct it.  Just like those who are born with or develop other diseases have a right to use whatever means necessary to correct it.  No, my condition is not life threatening and I am not comparing it to that in any way.  As a woman I believe I have  a right to try to carry a child of my own.  Just like the heroine addict who gets knocked up every year or so and brings children into this world who are negatively affected by her drug use.  I don't want to get too much into this... I just thought that my friends out there would get a kick out of this comment.  I do however want to state again, that I am 100% for adoption and if it weren't so incredibly expensive and such an emotionally, mentally and financially draining process (even more so than IVF in my opinion), I would have done that right away.  It makes me sad to think that there are so many children out there in need of homes and the process and the cost keep loving, deserving people from helping them. I hope I do get the opportunity to adopt someday.

And to Beee... whoever you are... I didn't ask you to visit my blog.  Nor did I ask you to read my blog OR agree with my decisions.  Keep your opinions to yourself.  Like we have all heard time and time again "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  I stand by my decision to do IVF and I know my daughter will be mine forever...that is all that matters!

Homework Assignment

I started my summer classes today and one of my first assignments was to write a letter to a future or existing child on the occasion of their eighteenth birthday.  I had a hard time at first, wondering if it would be harder to write the letter to Avery or to a child we may  never have.  I decided to write the letter to my daughter.  There were a few specific things that had to be included in the letter, like your dreams for your child, or what you believe makes a good parent.  I did the best I could considering my letter would  probably be much different than most of the letters my professor will have to read.  Anyway, I wanted to share it here.  I hope it's not too depressing.

Dear Avery,

I can’t believe it has been eighteen years since that bittersweet day when we said both hello and goodbye. I still remember that day like it was yesterday and if I close my eyes I can almost still feel your tiny little body in my arms. I still miss you so much it hurts.


It wasn’t an easy road for us when we decided we wanted to have a child. We both agreed that we had reached a point in our lives when we had too much love for just the two of us, and we needed someone else to share our love with. After two and a half years of failed attempts we finally decided that we would do whatever it took to have a child and decided to let Dr. D help us out. While pregnant with you I liked to picture the day that you would ask me where you came from. I was going to tell you that a very smart doctor took the best part of mommy and the best part of daddy and put them together in mommy’s tummy. I would have easily been able to tell you the truth without giving you the birds and the bees talk in its entirety at a young age.


Your daddy and I both grew up in loving families and were taught the importance of hard work and loving and forgiving your family no matter what. That is something that we had wanted to pass on to you any other children, had we been able to have more. We both knew the importance of an education, discipline and good, old-fashion family time. In the short 8 months we had with you we dreamed of all the things we would teach you and how amazing it would be to watch you grow.


I am sure we would have made our share of mistakes, maybe by sheltering you too much, or giving you too much freedom. Daddy was afraid he would have to threaten too many boys when they might tease you. I know we both would have been very protective of you but we would have taught you to be yourself and love yourself no matter how different you might look from the other children. You were one of a kind and we know that if you had been able to stay, you would have made a huge mark on this world. It wouldn’t have been an easy road but I believe that together we could have made it through anything.


You would have graduated from high school this year. It is so hard to picture but I know you would have done well and made your daddy and I very proud. We have always been proud to call you our daughter. I still mourn all of the things we have missed and will miss because you had to go too soon. I never got to teach you to read or write your name. We didn’t get to see you off to your first day of kindergarten. We never got to kiss your boo boos better or read you bedtime stories. I cry when I think of the special bond you would have had with your daddy or our mommy-daughter trips to the salon for pedicures (when you were old enough of course). I was never able to take you shopping for your first prom dress or listen to you tell me all about your first crush or first kiss. I will never see your daddy walk you down the isle and can only imagine the beautiful grandbabies you would have given us. There is so much that we have missed out on but we will forever cherish those few moments we had with you.


If there is one thing I have learned over the last eighteen years, it is that life isn’t always fair but our trials make us stronger and love can get you through anything. I know that you have been watching over us and that knowledge has made us stronger people and our love for each other and for you, stronger than we ever thought possible. Eighteen years from now we will still miss you and love you as much as the day we said goodbye. You have changed us forever Avery, and we are so thankful for that. Happy Birthday sweetie! I love you and miss you every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Until you are back in my arms….

Love Always,


Mom

Houston we have Ovulation

I know... the title is totally corny but it has my last name.... (pronounce it however you'd like) and Ovulation, which is what I was announcing!  I have officially ovulated without a trigger shot!!  I have been tracking my temperatures every morning at 6 am (yea that sucks on the weekends) and I have had a very obvious rise in temperature which means my body is producing progesterone... which means I OVULATED!!  Can you tell I am excited?  I don't know if anything will come of this cycle but I am pretty stoked that my body is doing what it is supposed to for the time being.  I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for good news.  I probably won't know anything for a couple of weeks... which falls right around my birthday.  So I am either going to have a totally fabulous birthday (please, please plllleeeeaaaaassse) or a kind of crappy one.  I am trying not to stress about it all but I can't help it.... the days are passing so slowly and it seems to be all I can think about.  I guess I need to find something to distract me... hmmm.

It Worked!!!

My ultrasound this morning brought some good news! Finally!  The clomid worked! I had a 26mm follicle on my left side!  Now we just have to see if I actually ovulate!  I can't believe that it worked.  We took clomid for a year and a half when we first started trying for a baby with no response what-so-ever and now, after everything else we've tried, the clomid works!  I just hope that it results in a healthy baby!  Maybe it's wishful thinking but things could be looking up.  The surgery, while it didn't make my cycles regular, helped my body respond to the clomid the way it's supposed to.  I will take that as success and now believe that the surgery was 100% worth it.  Will be even more so if in 9 months I am holding a healthy baby.  I know I should get too ahead of myself but it feels nice to have even a little bit of hope again!

Survived!

Well Skeet and I both survived 6 days of 100mg of clomid.  I go in next Tuesday for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing.  I am trying to stay positive and think good thoughts but I don't want to be disappointed.  I have a bad habit of expecting the worst so that maybe I can save myself some of the pain of disappointment.  I can't help it.  We don't have a good track record and I have been let down way too many times. 

It's been a rough week.  I have been dealing with the side effects of this evil drug (I won't think it's evil if it gives me a baby though... I promise I will be singing its praises) as well as suffering through Mother's Day.  I have gotten good at hiding my feelings at the family gatherings but it is actually pretty painful to even be there on days like Mother's Day and Father's Day.  (I know it doesn't affect Skeet like it does me, so I fret about it enough for the both of us.)  Also, with Memorial Day coming up, I just find myself thinking about and missing Miss Avery more than usual.  It has also been a year since our last FET and I am reliving some anger issues that I was feeling around this time last year.  I guess you could say I am in a funk and I don't really know how to get out of it.  For a second on Sunday morning (maybe only a half a second) I thought about going to church, thinking if I got back there I might feel not-so hopeless.  Then I remembered what day it was and knew that sitting through a Mother's Day service would probably not help my situation.

I hope to be back on Tuesday with some good news!!