Saturday, May 22, 2010

Houston we have Ovulation

I know... the title is totally corny but it has my last name.... (pronounce it however you'd like) and Ovulation, which is what I was announcing!  I have officially ovulated without a trigger shot!!  I have been tracking my temperatures every morning at 6 am (yea that sucks on the weekends) and I have had a very obvious rise in temperature which means my body is producing progesterone... which means I OVULATED!!  Can you tell I am excited?  I don't know if anything will come of this cycle but I am pretty stoked that my body is doing what it is supposed to for the time being.  I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for good news.  I probably won't know anything for a couple of weeks... which falls right around my birthday.  So I am either going to have a totally fabulous birthday (please, please plllleeeeaaaaassse) or a kind of crappy one.  I am trying not to stress about it all but I can't help it.... the days are passing so slowly and it seems to be all I can think about.  I guess I need to find something to distract me... hmmm.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It Worked!!!

My ultrasound this morning brought some good news! Finally!  The clomid worked! I had a 26mm follicle on my left side!  Now we just have to see if I actually ovulate!  I can't believe that it worked.  We took clomid for a year and a half when we first started trying for a baby with no response what-so-ever and now, after everything else we've tried, the clomid works!  I just hope that it results in a healthy baby!  Maybe it's wishful thinking but things could be looking up.  The surgery, while it didn't make my cycles regular, helped my body respond to the clomid the way it's supposed to.  I will take that as success and now believe that the surgery was 100% worth it.  Will be even more so if in 9 months I am holding a healthy baby.  I know I should get too ahead of myself but it feels nice to have even a little bit of hope again!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Well Skeet and I both survived 6 days of 100mg of clomid.  I go in next Tuesday for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing.  I am trying to stay positive and think good thoughts but I don't want to be disappointed.  I have a bad habit of expecting the worst so that maybe I can save myself some of the pain of disappointment.  I can't help it.  We don't have a good track record and I have been let down way too many times. 

It's been a rough week.  I have been dealing with the side effects of this evil drug (I won't think it's evil if it gives me a baby though... I promise I will be singing its praises) as well as suffering through Mother's Day.  I have gotten good at hiding my feelings at the family gatherings but it is actually pretty painful to even be there on days like Mother's Day and Father's Day.  (I know it doesn't affect Skeet like it does me, so I fret about it enough for the both of us.)  Also, with Memorial Day coming up, I just find myself thinking about and missing Miss Avery more than usual.  It has also been a year since our last FET and I am reliving some anger issues that I was feeling around this time last year.  I guess you could say I am in a funk and I don't really know how to get out of it.  For a second on Sunday morning (maybe only a half a second) I thought about going to church, thinking if I got back there I might feel not-so hopeless.  Then I remembered what day it was and knew that sitting through a Mother's Day service would probably not help my situation.

I hope to be back on Tuesday with some good news!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day

Hi Avery, 
It's Mother's Day again and I can't believe this is the third Mother's Day since you left us.  I remember, so clearly, that first Mother's Day I celebrated while you were still with us, before we knew that you would leave us too soon.  I had so many hopes for you and looked forward to the next year when I would celebrate Mother's Day alongside all of the other mothers and would be showing you off to the world.  I think Mother's Day is as hard for me to get through as your birthday is but for different reasons.  I know I will always be your mom and that does give me comfort.  However, every year I get to watch all of the other moms with their beautiful children and I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here wishing me a Happy Mother's Day too.  It breaks my heart.  I miss you so much.  I still grieve over all that we missed out on because we had to say goodbye.  You are so very special to me sweetie, I will never forget you and I will do my best to make sure that others know who you are and that I am your mom and forever will be. 
It's a bittersweet feeling to have someone wish me a Happy Mother's Day.  I am glad that they acknowledge that even though you aren't here I am still a mom, but it reminds me that you aren't here and how much I miss you. Your daddy was so sweet and gave me a card and a gift.  It means so much to me that he thinks of you and does special things to remind me of that.  We are so lucky to have him.  I hope you know that I love you with all of my heart and I still miss you and think of you every day. 

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Well I guess it's time I posted again.  The last week or so has been crappy.  I guess I should start by saying that I did not get into the Radiology Tech program again this year.  Last year I was an alternate.  This year I got a form letter that looked like it was just slapped together that said the competition was tough and I just didn't cut it (well not in those words but it felt that way).  No alternate position this year.  I have an appointment scheduled next week to go over my file and find out what I scored badly in so if I do decide to try yet again, I will know where I need to improve.  I am really trying to stay positive.  Don't get me wrong... the day I got the letter I made Skeet take me to Lefty's for some - very necessary- margaritas.  After I got a couple of those in me, I cried and bitched and then I decided to move on.  It's not like that is the worst thing I have faced in my 29 years.  I look at it now as an opportunity to pay off some more of our debt.  I am also making plans to replace the flooring in our kitchen and living area and do some serious work on our yard this summer.  Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant.  (Don't worry, I won't hold my breath for that one.) 

As much as I am tryng to stay positive and keep myself distracted, I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to achieve the things that I believe I am meant for.  I know I am not the one to decide that but it's not like I want to do these things for entirely selfish reasons.  It's only partially selfish.  I want to do ultrasounds because I want to make a difference.  I would love to work for a high risk doctor (and I hate to say this) like Dr. G.  I would be in contact with a lot of women who are struggling with something similar to what I went through with Avery and I might be able to help them have a better experience than I had.  I could assure them they are not alone and help them to enjoy the time they do have with their babies.  Give them ultrasounds and a chance to see their child because I know it is something you end up cherishing after your baby is gone.  I also want to be a mother.  To give this love I have to a child, to help that child grow into someone who wants to make a difference as well.  But for some reason... as much as I want to be a mother and as much as I want to help others in a painful situation, I am not being given the chance to do so.  It makes me feel so low and worthless.  Like I am not good enough to have those things or to be those things.  I know I am just having a pity party for myself so I'll shut up now.

Skeet's cousin (who I just adore) posted this link on her blog and like her, I can totally relate with the words that were written. So I thought I would steal her idea (sorry!) and post it as well. As I read through this blog post I felt as though I could have written those same words myself and wondered why I never had.  I hope that anyone that reads this post, will visit and read that blog post as well. 

AF showed today so that means on Friday I will start 100 mg of Clomid.  If you are reading this, please pray for Skeet.  I know how badly it affected me last time... I can't even imagine what doubling it will do.  So I will take the chlomid for 6 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see if it is doing anything.  I have one follistim injection at home and am wondering if I should use it if we don't see any good follicle growth.  Maybe we should turn this into an inject/IUI cycle since we won't be "actively trying" for a few months while Skeet is busy with fire season.  I can't decide.  Plus, I don't know how Skeet would feel about it.  I just can't believe it has been a year this month since our last FET.  Time has flown by and I don't want to have Avery's third birthday come and go and not be pregnant yet.  I can't believe I have been doing this for over 5 years.  It's really depressing to think about.