Friday, December 18, 2009
I am having a test done on Monday to check to see if my gallbladder needs to come out. If it does then they might be able to do the surgeries at the same time and save me some costs if I do end up having to pay out of pocket. My only problem with that option is the time I will have to take off of work and school for the surgery. I don't really want to wait until May when I finish classes and things are slow at the office, but I also don't know how I feel about taking a week to ten days off of work and school to recover from surgery. Things aren't really falling into place, but I don't think I really expected them to. I did want answers and I do feel like I was able to get some. I just want a baby so bad. This time of year only makes that heartache worse, especially when I add it to the sadness of "celebrating" another Christmas without Avery.
She would be so much fun this year... starting to get an idea of what Christmas is all about. Running around with her cousins, making too much noise and having fun. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to picture it... her with her dark hair, running around with Ayden and Jacie, taking turns chasing each other. It would be such a great feeling to have a child participating in the fun. My greatest wish is that next year at Christmas, Skeet and I will have a child there to hold, to make plans for, and to share our love with. It would be an amazing feeling.
I am finished with my shopping and my wrapping, and I am ready for the day to come and go. I know my attitude is awful but I get to the point sometimes where I wonder if I can do it at all. I am not sure if I will get time to do another post before Christmas, so if I don't I just want to wish everyone out there a Very Merry Christmas. I hope that you are all able to spend time with your families and that you feel the true spirit of the season.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
This morning at my shift at the hospital I saw Dr. S's truck and knew he was probably inside delivering a baby. So I watched for him and when he was leaving I chased him down to try to get an update. From the look on my face he could tell that his nurse hadn't called me yet. He went on to inform me that my insurance is not going to cover the procedure. It is so frustrating. I asked him how much it would cost if we paid for it and he said that it's not his charges I need to worry about, but the hospital and OR charges. Not to mention the anesthesia. He is going to have someone find out the cost, but who am I kidding? We can't afford to pay for a surgery out of pocket.
I had begun to let myself believe that there might be an answer out there for us. That we might actually be able to have a baby of our own but without this surgery, and the money to do IVF again, it just doesn't seem possible. I am so sad today... I feel like after taking two steps forward, I have taken ten steps back. I don't know what to do or how to feel now. I had hoped that Christmas might be bearable this year but it's not looking good. Skeet's grandma passed away yesterday, and even though we know she is much happier now, we are still so sad to not have her with us anymore. At least I know that Avery has her great-grandma with her now and grandma Houston is reunited with her husband.
Is there such thing as a break? Am I ever going to get one? **Sigh**
Monday, November 23, 2009
Let me back up and tell you a little bit about this procedure. In women with PCOS they generally have high or abnormal levels of androgens or male hormones like testosterone. This is a main cause of PCOS. These hormones are produced by the stromal part of the ovary in women (the stromal area is located in the center of the ovary) while the egg follicles themselves produce the estrogen and progesterone in women. The procedure/surgery that I found online is called Ovarian Diathermy. It's main goal is to destroy parts or all of the stromal area but to try to preserve as much of the ovarian tissue (or follicles) as possible. There is a similar procedure called Ovarian Drilling that is done but it is known to destroy follicles and create scar tissue on the ovary. Diathermy uses a cauterizing needle that can be inserted into the ovary from different points to cauterize and destroy the stromal tissue. In studies done, women were found to begin to have regular cycles and ovulate on their own within a few months after having this surgery. Their follicle count also went down and the few that had to go on to do IVF because of tubal or male factor reasons, had better egg quality. So you can see why I was intrigued by this procedure.
So anyway, I have been waiting to hear back from Dr. S on where we are with being able to do this procedure. Last I heard, about a month ago, was that he was waiting to hear what size of needle he needed. I called last week for an update and heard back this morning that they just received the needed equipment this morning and will be scheduling someone to come out and get everything set up and ready for surgery. I am hoping that because this was my idea, Dr. S will let me be the first to have the procedure done. I have heard from so many different people that he is already suggesting the procedure to a number of his infertility patients. It is so crazy to me that from some random article I found, many people in our area might benefit. I just hope that it works, for me and for everyone else! It is looking like everything might be ready to go the first of the year. I was hoping to get it done in December while I have a break from school and work is a little bit slower but they told me that it might take up to 3 weeks to get everything ready to go. So I will try to be patient and just hope that my insurance will cover it so that we don't have to try to come up with the extra dough in the next few months.
I can't tell you how excited I am. I am not thinking that this will be a miracle cure and I will get pregnant on my own because of it. But I am very hopeful that my egg quality will improve and when we get to do the IVF again we will have some good quality eggs to work with and less chance of another miscarriage.
So that is my update. I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and gets to eat all the good food you want, spend time with your loved ones and remember the things in your lives that you are thankful for.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Now in my mind i'll keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Oh why that's what I keep asking
Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
Oh I there's no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain
When I have the energy, I will post the latest of our infertility struggles. A lot of things are still up in the air and I am trying to be patient while I wait for some more answers.
Monday, November 2, 2009
When I first opened the package that this story came in I was surprised to see a beautiful necklace. It was silver with three rings. One ring was inscribed with "Faith", another with"Hope" and the last was made of diamond looking stones. The necklace itself took my breath away but as I read the story and learned the connection between the two it made it even more special to me. I put that necklace on and didn't take it off (only to shower) until the day before we laid Avery to rest and I asked that they place the necklace in her hand to be buried with.
A little more background on the story. At the end when it talks about Avery holding on to pieces of Hope and Faith's wings, in all of her ultrasounds up to that point they had noticed that Avery's hands were always in fists. They could never count her fingers because she never opened her hands. Unfortunately this was one of the signs that her condition was lethal. However, when I read that part of the story I was so touched. Throughout the entire pregnancy we never once did we see her hands unclenched and then when she was born they were still that way. I think that is my favorite part of the story.
Back to Myndee. One of the most amazing people on this earth. She is always thinking of others and sharing her amazing talents to make others smile. She has done so countless times with me and I appreciate her so much. Right now she is in the middle of something great!! Last month she began a Thinking of You 2009 campaign. The description on Facebook reads "We're doing some emotional fundraising. How many people can we impact? All you have to do is send out thinking of you cards and tell the people you love just what you think of them. Then post how many cards or donations you've made to the campaign." They are keeping track of how many cards and notes go out on Facebook. If you are interested and have a Facebook account just let me know and I will point you toward the site. I am sure you can also do a search for the group. I think this is a great idea. Especially this time of year. Even if you aren't on Facebook, you can send a note or a card to those that you love, telling them how much they mean to you and ask them to do the same for those they love. It is kind of a "Pay It Forward" situation but costs almost nothing. I hope that you will participate. I will be sending out my cards and letters this week. I am going to try to do as many as I can.
Friday, October 30, 2009
“If this is your choice, I’m afraid not.”
Before the Fairy Godmother could continue, they heard a sharp yelp and saw a blast of pixie dust. When the dust settled, the group saw that Faith had used the heel from one of the Fairy Godmother’s glass slippers to slice the tip of her wing off.
“You’ve gotta have a little Faith. Take this with you,” and then Faith placed the wing tip in Avery’s palm and closed her fingers around it. Faith handed the glass to Hope who began to sob and looked a little frightened.
Avery giggled, “It’s okay Hope. You don’t have to do it. I know you love me.”
With a resolve Faith and Avery didn’t know she had, Hope sliced her wing.
“What’s a little Faith without a little Hope,” Hope placed her wing tip in Avery’s other palm.
Avery extended her hands forward and showed the Fairy Godmother her fists, “I have Faith and I have Hope and I believe I am supposed to be Skeet and Candi’s baby. It is my heart’s desire.”
With that, the Fairy Godmother began to chant and she waved her magic wand in quick circles. In a cloud of silver sparks and diamond dust, Avery disappeared.
Avery opened her eyes. She felt like she was living inside a cotton candy sky. It was warm and pink and purple. It was so comforting that she went back to sleep.
Time passed and life went on in Lilac Hollow. A few months later, the hollow was preparing for Faith’s birthday party. They were celebrating with the chocolate tarts Faith and Hope had discovered in the Festival City. The best thing about a pixie's birthday was the gift from her Fairy Godmother. Each pixie on her birthday was allowed to look into the Fairy Godmother’s crystal ball and choose one thing she would like to see.
Faith and Hope made the familiar flight to the Raspberry Cottage where their Fairy Godmother was waiting. “Happy Birthday Faith! I take it you are here for your viewing, and it looks like you have brought a friend.”
“Yes, I did and we’d like to see Avery.”
“I knew you would,” and the Fairy Godmother led them to a table where her crystal ball was waiting. They huddled around and the Fairy Godmother turned the ball until the girls could see the picture.
Candi and Skeet were in a white room and someone appeared to be rubbing a wand all over Candi’s stomach. “I don’t see her,” said Faith. The Fairy Godmother turned the ball again and they saw a machine with a black screen. “Look very closely!”
The screen came to life and, sure enough, there appeared to be a wingless pixie center stage. “Is that her?” asked Faith.
“Yes it is,” exclaimed Hope, “And, Fairy Godmother, you lied to us!”
“Whatever do you mean child?”
“She remembers us. Look at her hands. They are fists. She’s holding our wing tips. She’s holding onto Faith and Hope.”
With a warm smile the Fairy Godmother said, “Well, will you look at that.”
“She does look peaceful,” but still concerned Faith asked, “Will she be okay?”
“Oh, there will be challenges ahead. But let me ask you something. After you met Avery, how did you live?”
“Happily,” said Faith.
“Yeah, happily,” echoed Hope.
“Then so will Candi and Skeet. Because in the end, we all live happily after Avery.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Faith was wide awake as another clap of thunder rocked the sky. Avery grabbed her friends, "It's getting closer. We have to move away so no one gets hurt. Callie, thank you so much for your hospitality!"
The three girls buzzed to an open space, linked pinky fingers, and blew pixie dust into the sky. Thunder rolled and a great flash of light enveloped the pixies, and they began to move up through the lightning faster than they could ever hope to fly. When the lightning spit them out, they landed back in Lilac Hollow at the feet of a very angry Fairy Godmother.
"My crystal ball tells me you three visited the Festival City, made contact with a mortal child, and took up residence in the fur of a dog. Would you like to explain this trickery?"
"It was a Cotton Candy Expedition. We were chasing the cotton candy clouds and got lost. It was my idea, I'm to blame," said Avery.
Faith came to her defense, "No, I made snap dragon purses to carry the candy back. No one made me go."
"I told them not to go, " Hope grunted as Faith elbowed her in the ribs, "Okay! Fine, I was planning on eating a massive amount of cotton candy had we actually found it."
"Cotton Candy? You risked your lives for sweets? I know you are pixies but sugar is not worth your life. For the next two weeks, you are restricted to the Wizard's Library. At the end of the two weeks, you will report to me all the dangers of leaving the enchanted world," demanded the Fairy Godmother, "Now off to bed!"
Over the next two weeks, the girls studied hard preparing their reports. Avery came across a book buried deep int he tunnels of the library. She found it next to Merlin's biography. It was called, "Pixies to People." The book was about fairies who had become mortals. Faith had chastised her for spending all her time on one book, but Avery couldn't put it down.
Finally their punishment drew to a close. They headed to the Raspberry Cottage where their Fairy Godmother lived. The Fairy Godmother settled into her glass chair and called on Faith to begin.
Faith reported on the lack of belief in the mortal world. How, especially the mortals known as adults, lose the joy of Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the hollow's very own Tooth Fairy. She said she wouldn't want to live in such an unhappy, unbelieving world.
Hope talked about the flying machines she had seen on their quest. More specifically, she reported on Tahoes. She learned how they give off a nasty smoke called exhaust that is full of harmful chemicals. She had come to the conclusion that even though dragon slayers look incredibly sexy driving these machines, Hope wouldn't want to live in a place where people needed such machines to fly.
Then it was Avery's turn. She took a deep breath and began. "I love to fly. I love the Tooth Fairy; she gave me my very first pair of enamel shoes. But I learned there are mortals in the world who have so much love they create miniatures of themselves to share it with. I learned that mortals have golden beasts who guard them at all costs. I learned there is a Festival City with Green Shows and parades and street fairs. And, Faith, while most adults may not believe in Santa, they go to great lengths to ensure that their children believe as long as possible.
Fairy Godmother, I met the two most glamorous mortals in the world. They have riches beyond measure and all they want to do is share them with their own creation. I have so much happiness and I've never once thought about sharing it. Then I saw Candi's eyes and my heart burned and I wanted to give her all the happiness I have.
That's why I have found a way to share my happiness. I want you to make me Skeet and Candi's baby. I know it's possible, I read the book."
Faith and Hope's mouths dropped open in shock, Avery had been quiet since they returned to Lilac Hollow but hey had no idea what she was planning. A thoughtful Fairy Godmother said, "Avery, my dear sweet pixie, did you listen to Faith? Mortals don't always believe. And did you read the entire transfiguration chapter in your 'Pixies to People' book?"
"Yes, I did. I know the sacrifice, " said a confident Avery.
"Okay, then you know that magical species do not always crossover to the mortal world seamlessly. Sometimes there is physical pain. Sometimes the rest of the world laughs at your attempt to be mortal."
"I know. But I also know that no matter what happens to me, I get to keep my happiness if I want to. I can still give that gift no matter what," said Avery.
"Avery, what if THESE mortals don't believe? What if they give up on you?" cried Faith.
"They won't. They believe."
Hope asked, "How do you know?"
"I know because Skeet felt your pixie dust on his lips and Callie said that Candi has a warm touch. That means she has magic in her."
"Is this your true desire?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
An unwavering Avery smiled, "Yes, it is."
"You understand that you will lose all your magic and you can never come back. You won't remember any of us," said the Fairy Godmother very seriously.
** The end is near... I will be posting the last part of the story in a couple of days.**
Monday, October 26, 2009
The pixies loaded in Tahoe and were lured to rest on Candi's magic ring. Then with a rumble, Tahoe was off. The girls were mesmerized by the shiny stone, it glittered with golds and blues and a touch of pink. For some reason, Avery decided to look up. This was the first time she noticed that Candi's eyes seemed to have a hint of sadness. Avery wondered how something so sweet could feel anything but joy. But there it was again, a flash of melancholy.
"Hope! You get back down here this instant," Faith yelled.
Avery turned her head just in time to see Hope trying to plant a kiss on Skeet and leaving quite the trail of pixie dust in her wake. "I'm serious Hope!" Faith was panicking, "If he inhales, you'll be living out your days in a dragon slayer's stomach!"
"Oh, puh-lease! And you two tell me I have no sense of adventure," huffed Hope and she flitted back towards the ring.
"Candi, do you have some chap stick?" asked Skeet, "All of a sudden, my lips feel like they are covered in sand."
"Now look what you did," said Faith.
Avery watched as Candi pulled some kind of lip potion from her purse. Skeet met her eyes as he took the magic tube. He saw the same despair that Avery did. "Candi, we will have a baby, I promise. We'll find a way."
"I know," said Candi softly. And Tahoe carried the group the rest of the way to the Village of Enoch in silence. When they arrived and Tahoe opened his massive doors, the pixies took one look outside and screamed in horror. There was some kind of golden monster running towards them at full speed. Skeet made no move for some kind of dragon slayer sword, so it looked like the girls would be attacked.
In a flash of fur, the monster lept into Candi's lap and buried his face in her chest. "Hello Callie! Did you miss us?" Candi asked as she scratched the monster's ears.
They all exited the Tahoe with Skeet and Candi heading toward their castle. The girls would have followed, but they were paralyzed with fear. They had locked eyes with Callie, The Golden Monster.
"Don't move and don't cry, Hope!" said Avery.
"Is it me or is that monster's tail moving faster and faster?" asked Faith.
"I don't know," said Avery, "It looks as if it might actually be smiling. I'm moving closer."
"Don't you dare," said Hope. But Avery was curious so she approached the beast. And then in one quick motion, the animal opened its mouth and lunged at Avery. Hope and Faith began to cry out in terror but then Callie's giant pink tongue licked Avery head-to-toe. "Ugh! I'm all slimy!" Avery complained.
"Welcome to Enoch. I'm Callie. What is all the screaming about? Haven't you all seen a golden retriever before?"
"A golden retriever?" Hope was excited now, "Do you steal the dragon's gold while the mighty Skeet battles the dragon to the death?"
Callie looked puzzled, "What?"
"Don't mind her," said Faith, "It's nice to meet you Callie. We are pixies from Lilac Hollow. My name is Faith and this is Avery and the crazy one is Hope. We were on a Cotton Candy Expedition and lost our way. Any chance you could tell us how to get back?"
"Lilac Hollow, you say? Hmmmmm. I know Parowan, Bryce Canyon, even the City of Sin but I can't say I'm familiar with your hollow," said Callie.
Discouraged Faith continued, "We're very tired, it's been quite an adventure. Would you mind if we shared your fur for a nap? We'll get some sleep and try to find our way tomorrow."
"I'd love the company," said Callie as she lowered her head and the three girls snuggled into some of the softest gold fur they had ever felt. Hope and Faith drifted off immediately, but Avery was restless. "Callie, are you asleep?"
"Not yet. I like to wait for the lights to go out in the house before I sleep."
"Tell me about Candi, I think she is the sweetest. Why does she seem a bit sad?"
Callie sighed. "She wants a baby to share all that sweetness with. They haven't found one yet."
Avery was confused, "But they have you and a flying machine and a castle. What more do they need?"
"Yes, they have a lot. But they want to share all of those things with a child. Share their stories, their life. Leave a legacy behind."
Avery thought this was one of the most beautiful things she had ever heard. Goblins in the hollow had great fortunes, but they never shared. They never even enjoyed it themselves, spent all their time guarding it and hiding it. Witches were always trying to steal everyone else's treasures, but for themselves, not for anyone else. Here were these to mortals in the far away Village of Enoch who wanted someone else to enjoy their riches. Avery thought that was a miracle. "Callie, do you love them?"
"With all my heart, Avery! They feed me, play with me, and cuddle me when I'm sad. Candi has the softest touch that makes me feel warm all over. And Skeet sneaks me treats when he thinks Candi isn't looking. I'm lucky to have them. I would do anything for them. I'm the luckiest golden retriever in the Festival City!"
** Some of you have asked if I wrote this story. I wish I were this creative!! No, an amazing friend of mine wrote this story for me soon after we found out that there was something wrong with our baby and that she might not make it. I had emailed her after I started the blog to let her know what was going on and within a few days I received a package in the mail with this story (adorably bound and illustrated) and a necklace, which I will tell you about later. I am so blessed to have some amazing friends that have given me so much. Thanks Myn!! You are the best!**
Friday, October 23, 2009
"Can I have you? Can I put you in my pocket?"
Avery, feeling protective, flew right to the eye level of the girl and exclaimed, "Of course not! If you touch us, our fairy godmother will turn you into a toad!"
Just as Avery was about to spit pixie dust in the child's eye, Faith realized, "You see us! You believe! Oh, sweet child, could you please tell us where we are?"
With a giggle the girl said, "How silly, you are in the Festival City of course!"
Hope's eyes grew bright, "Ooooo. The Festival City. It sounds positively enchanted."
Amused by the fairies, the girl spun her story, "My name is Abbie and I'm six years old. I live on Leigh Hill in a castle!"
"Abbie, are you a princess? Is this your party?" Faith was concerned; she was not dressed to meet royalty.
"Well, my dad is always saying, 'Abbie, quit acting like a princess.' So, I don't think I am. And this is called The Green Show. Soon my grandma will take me home to bed and all the people will move over to the big stage. They will do grown up plays, trust me, it's not fun. You can't understand a word they are saying."
Just as Abbie was finishing, there came a shrieking, "Abbie! Abbie! Where have you been?" Some frantic woman carrying a giant bag swooped down and took Abbie's hand. "Quit talking to this rock, it is not alive. come and join your brother for the puppet show!"
"Wait! We have more questions," Avery called, but it was too late, this crazy woman dragged Abbie away. As her pigtails bounced, Abbie turned and waved goodbye to the pixies.
"The Green Show in The Festival City. I never knew such a place existed. It is so exciting with all the sweets and dancing and adventure!" Avery was definitely taken with the scene.
"It's all grand but I have a feeling we are a long way from the hollow. We need a plan," Faith, always the voice of reason, said.
The girls prepared to link pinkies and tap into their senses again when they heard a great yell. A booming, commanding voice filled the air and it said, "Candy!" The pixie heads all bobbed up at once and they heard it again, "Candy!"
Then they saw him. He was more handsome than any sailor the mermaids had ever seduced. He had hair the color of autumn in the hollow and he was looking for candy! "Candy!" He called out looking right and left. So, the girls did what all pixies do when there is the promise of something sweet.... they chased him!
"He looks strong. Do you think he's a warlock?" asked Faith. "What kind of candy do you think he lost? I hope it's strawberry flavored," wished Hope.
"Candi, where are you?"
"Here I am Skeet! I'm on the hill, over here!" said the most lilting voice Avery had ever heard. "There you are Candi," said the man as he wrapped her up in his warlock, strong arms. When he stepped back the pixies were entranced. This was his candy? It was no wonder; she was the sweetest thing the girls had ever seen. She had hair like black licorice, skin like buttercream frosting, and lips like cherry sours. She was delicious.
"Did you enjoy the show?" Skeet asked. "Yes, but I'm tired and ready to head home," Candi replied.
"Yea, I've got a fire to fight tomorrow anyway," answered Skeet.
Hope about lost her pixie dust! "Did you hear that? He fights fires! He must be a dragon slayer! I've only read about them, I've never seen one." In fact, Hope had read about every single one in Dragon Beat Magazine. "Oh, I think I'm in love!"
Candi and Skeet began to make their way out of the celebration. The pixies were at a loss. Follow the dragon slayer and his candy or stay at this whimsical party? Just then Candi took her left hand and brushed her raven hair from her face, and that's when they saw it. She was wearing some kind of magical stone on her finger. So, they did what all pixies do when they see something sparkly.... they chased it!
They followed the couple to the biggest, shiniest, mortal flying machine they had ever seen.
** Just so this makes a little bit more sense to those of you who don't live nearby... the town we live in hosts a huge Shakespearean Festival every Summer and Fall. Before the plays begin at night they hold a free green show with puppets, treats, singing, and mini plays on the University campus. It's something our town is famous for. Because of this, our town calls itself the Festival City. Also, Leigh Hill is a part of town where a lot of the more "well off" people live. We don't live there!!! **
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
This is where our story begins.
Once up on a cotton candy sky, three mischievous pixies were chasing sugary clouds. Faith, Hope and Avery were the furthest they had ever been from Lilac Hollow, but they pressed on desperate for their lifetime supply of cotton candy.
Avery was the brave one and the leader of the Cotton Candy Expedition. She pushed forward with all her pixie dust, "Hope! Faith! Keep up, we're getting closer."
"I don't know Avery, there doesn't seem to be any candy up here," replied Faith, "I'm getting tired." Faith was always the rationale one and also the brains of the operation. She had hallowed out snap dragons and each pixie was going to fill their snap dragon full of the bright pink cotton candy of the sky.
"For the record, I only came along on this trip to keep you two out of trouble," the conservative Hope decided to chime in, "Our Fairy Godmother is going to be so mad at you two if we don't get back soon."
It wasn't long before all the pink had drained from the sky and was replaced by an inky black that made it very difficult to see. Avery stopped on a very ordinary white cloud and called to her friends, "I hearby call a Cotton Candy Expedition conference!"
Hope and Faith caught up to Avery and rested their wings on the same tasteless cloud. "I don't understand," said Avery, "It was right here. I saw the cotton candy with my own eyes!"
"We all did Avery, and it's up here somewhere. But we've got bigger problems unless you were keeping track of how to get back to Lilac Hollow. I seriously doubt that though, since you were flying like a witch on a broomstick," exclaimed Faith.
Hope began to cry and her wings shivered, "What if we never get back? What if we're stuck in this boring cloud forever?"
Avery replied, "Calm down, Hope. Let's use our senses. Close your eyes and concentrate Hope, then tell me what you feel. Faith take a deep breath and tell me what you hear, and I'll try to figure out what I smell."
The girls locked pinkie fingers and conjured up all their pixie magic. Hope spoke first, "I feel some sort of intense joy and happiness. It's like some sort of celebration."
Faith was next, "And I hear music and laughter and, wait a minute, yes, I hear applause."
Then, so excited she could barely contain herself, Avery exclaimed, "I smell TARTS! Berry tarts and lemon tarts with buttery crust."
Their pointed pixie ears directed them to the South were they saw lights that seemed to explode like fireworks. So, they did what all pixies do when something glitters.... they chased it!
As they got closer, the lights took shape. There were great structures that the girls had never seen. The people didn't have wings so they flew in big machines that made angry noises and seemed to be ruled by three lights hanging in the sky. With everything around them, there were great distractions, but the girls followed their senses. They did, in fact, fly directly into some marvelous celebration.
There were men dancing jigs and maidens carrying on around a May Pole, and there were storytellers weaving their tales with puppets and song. And, of course, there were treats. Beautiful girls wore flowers in their hair and carried baskets of tarts, lollipops, chocolates, and ice cream through the crowd. The pixies had forgotten all about their quest for a lifetime supply of cotton candy.
Hope buzzed right up to the ear of the woman with a basket of chocolate tarts. "Excuse me, could you tell me where we are? Oh my, can I please taste your chocolate?"
Much to Hope's surprise, the woman completely ignored her. She didn't understand. Pixies were the cutest most charming creatures in the hollow, no one could refuse them, except their Fairy Godmother.
Seeing Hope's failure and craving a butterscotch truffle, Avery buzzed a different vendor, "One truffle please.... and directions back to Lilac Hollow." This woman actually brushed Avery away like she was some sort of annoying bumblebee.
Faith laughed so hard she almost fell into a passerby's cup of sweet tea. "It's no use! If either of you had taken the time to read 'Outside the Enchanted World', you would know these are mortals. They don't believe, so they can't see or hear us. Most of these fools don't even believe in Santa Clause, which is fine my him, fewer houses to worry about."
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Happy Birthday sweetie. I can't believe that it has been two years. I miss you just as much today as I did the day you left us. I can still almost feel your tiny little body in my arms. I wish so badly that I didn't have to let you go but I will always be grateful to be your mom. Although the feelings are still so fresh, it seems like forever since we said goodbye and an eternity until we will see each other again.
I still think of you every day and I can't help but wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. I can only imagine how incredibly adorable you would be and how in love with you your daddy and I would be. Our lives are changed forever because of you but I still long for the life we would have had with you.
When I say my prayers at night I still thank my Heavenly Father for sending you to me and I pray that I can be a person that you would be proud to call mommy. I long for the day when I will hear you call me mommy and let me hold you in my arms again.
I hope that you can hear me when I tell you that I love you and I miss you. I hope that you know how much you mean to me and how my life will never be the same. You are my first born, my little girl and you always will be.
My heart hurts everyday that passes without you here. I know that someday it will not be that way, and that it will get better, but I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you. Every year on this day we will do something to honor your beautiful memory and I know that you will be with us while we do. We miss you so much sweetie. You are the most beautiful, wonderful thing that has ever happened to us and we will never regret our decision to do whatever it took to have you.
I promise that when your brother(s) and/or sister(s) join our family, we will make sure that they know all about you and I know that they will love you as much as we do. If you are with them now, please tell them that we are ready for them.
I love you Avery and I miss you so much it hurts. You are my pride and joy, and my reason for being on this earth. I look forward to the day I will hold you again, and until then sweet baby girl, you will be in my thoughts and in my heart.
Love you always,
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I feel so relieved on both counts! Now we can celebrate her birthday on her birthday and because I don't have 3 hours of homework every night, I now have time to plan something special for her birthday.
The amount of stress that the chemistry class was putting on me was getting to be way too much. I studied more for that class than I ever have for any class and I still did awful on the first test. I don't need chemistry for the radiology program so I decided I would rather drop the class than chance getting a bad grade and having my GPA go down. I will have two "W"s on my transcript, but I checked with Weber and they said that it shouldn't count against me when it comes time for them to make their decision. I feel like celebrating!! I honestly don't know how to act now that I don't have all that homework ahead of me!
I think that now is the time for me to start running. I want to train to do a half marathon. I need to research and find out when the next one is (hopefully in the spring) so that I have a goal to work towards. I would love to lose 10 pounds too so hopefully that will come with the running.
I have my next counseling appointment on Friday so I will try to update again then.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Then, I start getting flashbacks of the day that she was born; visiting the pediatrician, packing my hospital bag - just in case, and heading to the hospital to find out if I was leaking amniotic fluid. Of course there is the day I left that hospital empty handed, it was a beautiful day and my heart was completely shattered. It comes back to me so clear, like it just happened last week.
As it gets cooler I remember the day we buried Avery. Sitting there in front of a tiny little casket engraved with daisies, shaking violently because of either the 103 degree fever I was running or because I was crying harder than I ever had in my life. My body was so swollen that I couldn't find anything to wear to her burial service and that made me cry too. My feet couldn't fit into any of my shoes so I arrived in flip-flops and it was freezing outside.
Yep, fall has been ruined for me. I don't know if I will ever feel the way I used to about this time of year. Then again, most holidays will never be the same for me either. I will always be thinking about who is missing when we get together as a family. Or how big she would be and what her personality would be like. I wonder if she would have my dark hair or her daddy's red hair. I think about what we would have dressed her up as for Halloween and how we would have took her around to visit her grandparents and great-grandparents.
Last night at the support group I attend, I found out that I am not the only one that feels this way and that makes me feel better. I feel now, like this is a normal thing to go through when you have had a child die. I hope that someday we will have a child (or children) to dress-up, to take to family gatherings, to watch them play with their cousins, to experience all of the things that we are so painfully missing out on right now. As Avery's birthday approaches I can't help but be sad, and feel a little bit bad for myself, but I think that's okay.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
So after reading through this website I found that this doctor has a different way of dealing with endometriosis. He does laporoscopic surgery but instead of using a laser he uses tiny scissors to carefully cut out the affected areas and then he repairs what needs to be repaired. According to his site this cuts down on the damage done to the tissues, especially those of the ovaries where our eggs hang out.
I wanted to know more so I sent an email hoping to get more information, and in the mean time I wanted to find out what my doctors think about this specific treatment. Now, let me take you back a bit... We ran a whole slew of tests to see if there was a reason for my past 2 failed pregnancies and all test came back normal. Dr. D then told me that he is sure my problems stems from the endometriosis. Okay, how? Well the endometriosis located close to, or on, my ovaries (he's assuming that is where it is located) and that is affecting the quality of the eggs that my ovaries produce. Making those eggs unable to develop past a certain point. When I asked him about another surgery to zap the endometriosis, he said that it would do more harm than good because the laser damages more tissue, leaving less tissue to produce eggs.
Is he right? Who knows? I trust him because has been a good doctor so far and seems to really care about his patients, about us. Plus, he seems to be genuine when he says that he is confident that we can have a successful delivery. Who wouldn't want to believe that?!
A couple of days ago, after I found out about the miracle doctor in NY, I ran into Dr. S at the hospital and used that opportunity to ask him what he thought of this miracle treatment for endometriosis. He looks confused for a moment then proceeds to tell me that-that is how they used to do surgery for endo before the laser was implemented. Hmmm... Oh and then he adds, that the surgery wouldn't do me any good because my problem is not because of endometriosis but because my ovaries produce low quality eggs (I am assuming he means because of the PCOS). I asked to make sure, told him that Dr. D said it was the endo. He didn't really answer and instead told me that if I wanted him to look into it further he would be more than happy to.
Now I am stumped! So what do I do? I email Dr. D and tell him about the amazing doc in New York that makes every pregnancy dream come true (did I say they got pregnant naturally... yea they didn't have to pay $18,000 for IVF.... don't know how much the surgery costs though..). He wrote back saying that it would not benefit me to have another surgery and IVF is my best route. Oh yea, he also told me to contact his office manager so that we could start the process. Uh Hello?!? Who said anything about starting the process... I wonder if he even knew who was emailing him. After a couple more emails, however, we cleared all that mess up. He was reminded that there is NO WAY we could do IVF right now.
But now I am confused! I can't have a baby because of the endometriosis.... I can't have a baby and it has nothing to do with the endometriosis.... which one is it? Plus, don't you think that if you have endometriosis, and it is causing infertility, miscarriages, pain, and more... wouldn't you want to get rid of it? I don't know if I even have very much of it. I do have pretty painful periods but in between I seem to be fine. Plus, when I had my first surgery back in 2005 I was told I had minimal endo. After almost 5 years I am sure I have more than I did, but we don't know how much. When you have a problem don't you try to fix it? Is it going to cause more problems if we do IVF again?
I have accepted that I have to do IVF to get pregnant. I accepted that after my failed attempts at IUIs. What I can't accept is that one doctor tells me one reason and the other tells me something different. If they don't know, then just tell me that!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Am I crazy for obsessing? Yes I probably am... but how do you stop? I mean even with all that "I know" I still think about it all the time. I wish I could just relax and not think about what cycle day it is, or what my sore chest means, or why I felt sick to my stomach this morning. I wonder if it will ever go away? I admit that if I stayed on the pill I would probably not obsess as much but I hate being miserable, and the pill makes me miserable. I cry about everything, I hate everyone, I bloat up, I am tired all the time (okay so I am that way anyway), I feel like I am PMSing every day of the month. Who wants to live like that? Not me!! If I had to choose between the pill side effects or the crazy obsession..... I really don't know what I would rather live with.
I am sure this is an issue that I will have to discuss with my new therapist... maybe she can recommend something for my obsession. I am sure I am not the only sufferer of infertility that feels this way. In fact I know I am not. So if any of you out there have any suggestions I would LOVE to hear them!
BTW I did my first midnight shift at the hospital last night and I have to say... I will be surprised I live through this semester.
Monday, September 21, 2009
It's a BOY!!!! Mike and I have truly been blessed and are the proud new parents of a baby boy who looks just like his Daddy with a head full of dark hair.Blake Michael Jones, September 21st, 1:44 am5lbs, 7 oz, 18.5”Blake was born at 34 weeks due to low amniotic fluid so he will have to spend time in the NICU, but he is doing great and breathing on his own.
Mom, Dad and Baby are doing great.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
I didn't know what to expect, and honestly I felt a little silly at first. I kept thinking, Do I really need this? Is she just going to laugh and tell me that I need to get over myself? Well she didn't laugh at me but in a way she did tell me to get over myself. She wasn't rude about it and she didn't minimize my feelings at all. She just told me that I am in a vicious cycle and I need to break out of it. I am dwelling on what I don't have and if I continue to do that I will continue to not have what I don't have. I know it sounds strange but it makes sense to me. I am so upset about losing Avery and about not being able to try again that I am constantly dwelling on that. Because I am always dwelling on that I continue to get upset when I see pregnant women and babies which makes me dwell on my loss and my anger even more. She said unless I start focusing on better things, like my blessings, I am never going to pull out of the cycle. (Mom, you were so right... what a smartie you are!)
She also suggested that I start back on Wellbutrin. I started taking this antidepressant after Avery was born but it was not available in generic form back then so I was paying $80 every month to get it filled. She said that it is now available in generic form so it will only cost me $5. This was the only antidepressant that I tolerated well because it didn't make me feel numb to any and all emotions like the others seem to do. Plus it has less side effects. She said that I have a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected before I can really start to change my attitude.
In addition to focusing on the blessings in my life, she explained that if we really want to try IVF again I need to start focusing on making it happen. I need to stop thinking about "what if it doesn't work" and just do everything and anything I can to get to a point where we can try again. I am not really sure how to even begin this. I would think that taking a second job to increase our savings or pay off our debt (from IVF #1) would be ideal but I work 8-5, because I am taking 9 credits this semester I study 2-3 hours a night, and starting tomorrow I will be volunteering at the hospital 8 hours a week. Add on top of that trying to keep my house clean (which it very rarely is these days), keeping my husband fed, and spending quality time with him and my family. I just don't have a lot of time to commit to a second job. I thought about selling something but I don't have any talents and don't have the time to develop any that could make a profit. I am at a loss (ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THIS AREA WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!) and that frustrates me a little bit. I have looked at getting grants (yes they do those for IVF) but Skeet and I make too much money (don't even get me started on that - it's ridiculous!). Dr. D is keeping me in mind for any clinical trials that they have coming up so I will continue to bug him on a monthly basis. I need to be creative I guess and try to come up with more that I can do. What I have been doing is putting everything I can into savings, collecting spare change around the house to cash in, and I signed us up for a debt management program so that we can get some of our debt paid off a little bit faster. I have thought about selling the Tahoe (that we bought before we knew we'd have to do IVF) but we are upside down in it and it is our only vehicle that we can really rely on. If we did have a baby we would need a safe vehicle to drive it around in so I am holding off on this for now. I thought about getting rid of our Internet but I need that for school, and our satellite but I am still trying to convince Skeet that he could survive without it. (We have the most basic package but he loves his Simpsons) I have gotten so much better about my shopping habits and even though I slip every now and then I usually send it back for a refund.
So, I will get started on the Wellbutrin and go back to see my therapist in a couple of weeks so start talking about the things that I can start focusing on instead of dwelling on what is missing. I am really optimistic about this and hope that I can start going to church again and going out in public without the major anxiety I get from the thought of running into a pregnant woman or new babies. She did say something that I didn't want to hear, about accepting that I might never have children and being okay with that. I can't even imagine being okay with that but I guess if I didn't have a choice I might be able to. Right now I won't think about it though. Right now I will focus on my blessings and try to have hope and faith that someday soon Skeet and I will be the parents of a healthy, living child.
I want to thank all of you out there for your generosity, your prayers and your friendship. I feel so overwhelmed with the love I have been given from those of you that read this blog. You have kept me going for so long. Thank you! Also, a special thanks to my sister, to Lisa, and to everyone else involved, you have given me a reason to have hope again. It means so much to me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I hope Candi doesn't just kill me for doing this but I have decided to kidnap her blog so we can let all of her friends around the world that follow her blog know that we (Lisa and I) have set up a IVF fundraising site.
We want more then anything to give Candi another chance at InVetro so that someday she can enjoy the blessing of a healthy child in her arms.
Please check out the site, if you can... make a donation or just sign the guestbook as your love and support mean just as much to Candice as anything.
The site is located at http://hopeforthehoustons.blogspot.com/ and if you feel compelled we would love to have you pass it on or post the link on your own sites.
Our goal is to raise enough money by Christmas to give Candice the best gift of all... a baby!
And while I am taking up Candi's real estate here... I want to speak for our family when I say that we thank EVERYONE who has been her for Candi through the hard times. I know that the support that you have shown has helped her get through and we are forever grateful that she has such amazing friends!
Ok. That's all you will hear from me!
Friday, September 11, 2009
I am thankful for soft, cool grass. I was leaving my Spanish class the other day and my shoes were killing me. So I took a detour and walked barefoot across the grass. It felt so heavenly. It's those little things that we take for granted that, when you think about it, make life bearable. It's corny... I know that.
I am so blessed to have a home, that is mine (well really the bank's but we like to pretend it's ours). I always complain about how small our house is but honestly, I love it. When I think about having to sell it I want to cry. So I hope I don't have to anytime soon. It is a cute house and we got a killer deal on it. Plus, it's not so bad now that we have a big ( and I mean huge ) patch of grass in the back yard. It sits on a half acre of land and if we had the time and money we could have a beautiful yard. But for now, I am just so glad that we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in.
Can I tell you how much I love my dog? She is a lifesaver! She keeps me sane when I have to spend nights alone. She doesn't ever talk back and she is always happy to see me. She is so forgiving and so gentle. We couldn't ask for a better dog, seriously I think we got the best one out there! So I am thankful that we were blessed with such a sweet puppy. She's five now but she will always be my puppy. I love her!!
I only have time for one more... and I saved the best for last.
I am so thankful for little Ayden. He is such a funny kid. I just loved having him here. He made me laugh and I instantly felt better every time he was around. He is so good at giving hugs and kisses and always seemed happy to see me. I miss him and his funny jokes like "Why did the dog cross the road?" "Cause he Pooooped in his Paaaants" So cute!! He will be 3 next month and I can't believe how fast he is growing up. I wish they lived closer so that I could see him more often.
This is my favorite picture of him.
*Note* I am thankful for all my nieces and nephews but I wanted to do them each separately...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
We met my sister, her husband and my nephew in Dana Point on Wednesday then headed to Sea World Thursday morning. After Sea World Skeet, Charise, Sean and I headed to Petco Park to see the Padres play the St. Louis Cardinals , Skeet's favorite team. He was like a little groupie, so excited to see his favorite player, Pujols. I wish we could have gotten his autograph. The game was fun... the Cardinals won 5-1. Sean even got hit by a foul ball (see my facebook page) and was able to keep the ball. Skeet was sooo jealous!
The next day we hung out at the beach. It was warm but very overcast so we didn't stay long. Our last day in Cali we visited Balboa Park in San Diego. It was neat but way too crowded.
The morning we left, Sean flew back to Philly and Charise and Ayden packed into the bus (my parent's suburban) and drove back with us to Utah for an extended visit. Our trip home was quite eventful. About an hour outside of Las Vegas the transmission on the bus went out. We were able to drive but at a max of 45 mph. We made it to St. George (very slowly) and my little bro met us there to pick up Charise and Ayden because Ayden had had enough of the car and wanted to be in "ootah" at his house. When we stopped and were waiting for little bro to show up I heard a hissing noise and looked down to see the right rear tire was flat...and getting flatter by the second. So how many men does it take to change a tire? Well in our case it took my dad, Skeet, DJ and DJ's two friends. Then we were back on the road. Skeet and I rode with my parents back to Cedar, a 30 minute drive that took us over an hour. We were glad to be home.
Skeet and I at Coronado Island, Hotel Coronado
Ayden and his donut face at Sea World
This kid always has his tongue out.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
I don't know about you all (if there is anyone left out there reading this), but I LOVED high school. It is where I came out of my shell. I went from being an awkward and shy nobody to an awkward and shy cheerleader. I know that sounds a little bit like an oxymoron but it's true. I found that as long as I was with a group, I could get up in front of a crowd and dance and cheer and not be self conscious. I loved it! It didn't bother me at all, however, that at the end of my 3 year cheerleading career, people still had no idea that I had been a cheerleader. I am not sure how anyone could have missed the tallest girl on the floor by many inches! I stood at 5'10" and I think the next tallest was 5'7", maybe 5'8", but whatever!
I loved cheer! I loved the girls I cheered with, I loved that it helped me out of my shell and made me just a little bit more outgoing. I know that I am who I am today and where I am today because of cheer. I made some great friends because of it too. I miss high school. I miss how naively innocent I was back then. I miss not knowing how cruel and unforgiving life can be sometimes. I really miss how easy it was to get so worked up and excited over the little things. They weren't so little back then, but compared to the trials in my life now... they seem so small.
It was nice to walk through those doors, and for a moment, relive all those memories. If I ever do have more children, I will make sure that they cherish their teenage years. I remember my mom telling me not to be in a hurry to grow up, I never listened to her but now I wish I had.
On a more depressing note, as I was walking out of the building all giddy from remembering the good ol' days, I passed a girl on her way to class who was probably 6 or 7 months pregnant. My buzz was immediately shot down and I wanted to cry. I started thinking... if I was told in high school that I would never be able to have a baby after the age of 18 but I could have one then, would I choose to have one? My answer, ABSOLUTELY!! It is likely that my problem probably would have prevented me from getting pregnant at a young age too so had I been sexually active in high school (which I definitely was not, and I am not just saying that because my mom reads my blog) I probably wouldn't have had to worry about birth control. I hate seeing young girls pregnant.... I want to experience pregnancy again so badly, to feel the miracle of life growing inside of me... it makes me hate that young person that I don't even know for having what I want more than anything.
Wow what a random post. Sorry about that. I do want to add one more thing though, I miss my baby and I am finally realizing that it's never going to change. I will miss her for the rest of my life and I have no control over it. It's really hard to accept that you have no control over certain feelings and emotions.
Anyway, I'll sign off now before this gets too depressing.
Monday, August 31, 2009
So to start things off....
Today, I am thankful for.... My Mom. For this wonderful idea but also for all that she does for me. She listens to all my rants. She laughs with me and she cries with me. She keeps me grounded when I start to let things get to me. She is an amazing mom and the bestest friend. I love her so much and I am so glad that I am her daughter and that we have such a good relationship. Thank you Mom!!
Friday, August 28, 2009
How am I doing emotionally? Honestly I don't know. I am getting really good at shoving my emotions deep down inside and putting on a smile for everyone around me. School has been good to take my mind off of things but when I do have a free minute my mind always goes to Avery, and the babies we may never have. I just keep thinking that if I knew the reason, if Heavenly Father could tell me just one reason why we can't have a baby right now, maybe I could handle it better. I know this sounds awful but if I knew that my life would be cut short and I would leave a child motherless then I could be okay with not having one at all. Or if I knew that the world was going to go to pot (I still have hope that it won't) I might be okay with not having another baby. I am sure I could come up with a lot of reasons why I would be okay with not having a baby but unless I know for sure I am still going to feel cheated and bitter about our situation. My bishop told me that I need to be praying for the ability to accept what we have been given but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be a childless mother. I don't want to be okay with it.
I read about babies being beaten or neglected and it makes me sick to my stomach. I would have gladly taken that child, loved it and given it the home that it deserved. Instead, that child had to suffer. I can keep telling myself that there has to be a reason but it doesn't really give me any comfort. I am angry now because I can't even look at pictures of Avery without becoming upset. I never wanted to feel that way. She doesn't make me upset but the situation does. I miss her so much and I want to be able to look at her sweet face and not want to hit something. I wonder how long it's going to last.
Sorry. I know I am a huge downer. I know that I need a major attitude adjustment. I promise I am trying but I can't seem to get it together. I am sure it is something that will come with time. I will try to keep myself busy and maybe one day I will wake up and I will feel better. I hope that day comes soon.
There is one thing lately that has brought some sunshine into my life and that is my little buddy Ayden. He always makes me smile. He is getting so big and he is so smart! I love talking to him and watching him follow his Papa around. When I am around him my smiles and laughter are real. He is such a funny little boy. I am going to miss him so much when they go back to Philly in a week.
When I can get my computer to allow me to upload photos, I will share details about our trip to Dana Pointe.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Lisa knows all about my infertility struggles because she has been there, many more times than I have, and I feel like I can talk to her and she truly understands. I am so glad to have found her and for the friendship we share although the circumstances under which we met are so very sad. Lisa, I am thinking of your sweet babies and praying for you and your family. **Hugs**