Friday, December 21, 2007


I know I just posted earlier today but I received a phone call from our genetics counselor this afternoon and wanted to give you all an update. She finally heard back from the specialist that was taking a look at Avery's x-rays and he said that Avery is still a mystery. He can tell for sure that she had a form of skeletal dysplasia but it must be a very rare type. He is sending her pictures to 3 other specialists and hopes to have a better answer for us by next week. The problem with it being so rare is that he doesn't think there are tests for it. Meaning they will not be able to test us to see what type of carriers we are, if any, and they will not be able to test our embryos. I had a feeling that this would be our answer but it still came as a blow. Especially when I was told that there is a possibility that we could have a one in four chance of it happening again. I haven't been able to really digest all that I have been told so I am a little numb to it all at the moment. All I know is that I love my little girl and if we are meant to have another child and he/she is like his/her sister I will still love them just as much, I just don't know if I am strong enough to go through it all again.

Tis the Season

I have been so caught up in the wrong spirit of the season lately, but the other day as I was wrapping gifts for a family that we have adopted this Christmas I had an epiphany. Let me give you some background first. I have been dreading Christmas. I thought it was going to be this horrible time where I would be depressed and only think of how much I missed my baby and how last year that was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. (Skeet would tell you, every time he asked me what I wanted I would say "A baby" and leave it at that. ) I have been so caught up in my grieving and sorrow that I forgot about the the reason we even celebrate Christmas. So, in my efforts to try to keep myself humble I took it upon myself to find a family for my family to adopt this Christmas. After contacting the local Care and Share we were assigned a local family with 4 children ranging in ages 7 to 2. It was fun to get everyone together to shop for toys for the kids and a Christmas meal for the family, but I found myself selfishly thinking about how I should be shopping for my own little one as well.
Then, as I was wrapping up each gift that we had purchased it hit me. This shouldn't be a time of year that I dread. The reason for this time of year should bring me happiness and a sense of peace. Christ was born so that he could die for us and for our sins. He did this for us because he loves us and he wants us to return to him. It is because of his birth and his death that I will be able to be with my daughter forever. I realized then that I should be rejoicing this holiday season. I may still be very sad that my daughter is not with us to celebrate Christmas but she is the lucky one that will celebrate with Jesus. And I know that someday, I will be with her forever because Jesus was born and died for our sins. What a huge gift that is.
I am so ashamed of my attitude toward this holiday season. Every time someone would ask me if I were ready for Christmas my answer would always be " I am ready for it to be over". Now, I feel so unworthy of the huge blessing that this holiday represents. Also, I am so much more thankful for the opportunity I have to help someone else.
We are delivering the gifts and food to this needy family this weekend and my change of heart has helped me to appreciate this experience so much more. I hope that my family will make it an annual tradition to help someone else during the holidays but if they choose not to I know that it will be a priority in my home to do so. I am so thankful to be in a position where I can give to others who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't think about it often enough but I am so fortunate to have a home and a job, and to have a family that is always there to support me whenever I am in need. I am also very grateful that I am able to be there for them as well. We have our health, we have each other, and we have the knowledge that through Christ we are promised that we will be a family forever. That is the best gift of all. I am truly blessed to have a little girl that will be mine for eternity.
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season and I wish you all the best in the New Year.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Does this mean I have to move on?

Well today is the day, the day that we were first told to expect our baby to arrive. For months this date was my answer to the question "When are you due?". 8 weeks have passed since the 3rd time I was admitted to the hospital when moments later my water broke. 8 weeks have passed since that long night of waiting, wondering and anticipating the arrival of my daughter. And, tomorrow morning between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m., 8 weeks will have passed since my beautiful little girl left her body behind and went home. 8 weeks ago today I still thought I had 8 weeks left to spend with my angel.
This whole week has been a emotional roller coaster ride. I go from being happy that I am her mom to crying because it wasn't supposed to be this way. For some reason now I think more of the nursery that never was and the cute little clothes that will never be bought. I think of the happy Christmas that could have been, celebrating the arrival of a new little one. The gifts that might have been wrapped knowing that she would be too young to understand this year but would have more fun next year. Now I can't help but only notice who is missing when the family comes together for dinners and gatherings. I think of how lonely Christmas will seem this year without that special little soul even though a year ago we had no idea she would even be. It is so strange to me that last year at this time we had no idea that the only way we would be able to have a baby was through In Vitro. We had no clue that we would be pregnant within 3 months, or that 32 weeks later we would have to bury that precious child that we longed for- for so long.
If I could have had my way this year, Christmas would have just been skipped. I don't feel like I am strong enough to get through the holidays this year. I don't know how to just go on with life without her anymore. I did so well for so long but I feel like I am losing my composure and don't know how I will make it from one day to the next. I am sure it does not help that I ran out of anti-depressants and have yet to get them refilled. The numbness that they give me has worn off and now all I can think of is how badly I want that little girl back in my arms. And I can't help but wonder if everyone will expect me to be better now that her due date has passed. I hate to disappoint anyone who is thinking that because it is going to take a lot longer than 8 weeks!
I received a delivery of beautiful flowers today, roses from my loving husband, and a Christmas arrangement from my parents and sister. They are so pretty and smell so good but I can't look at them. They are sitting on my desk and even when I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye it starts the water works again. I can't seem to stop today and hate that I have to be here at work when my heart is breaking and nothing else seems to matter. But I know I will make it through the day and into Skeet's arms, which is the only place for me right now. If I can't hold her, I need someone to hold me. I am sorry for the somber tone of this post but I needed to get it out.
I love you all and I appreciate your kind words and support!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

They are done!!

Well most of them. Dr. Sanders finally gave me a disc of the pictures. There weren't many but they turned out so beautiful. I just wanted to share them with you all! There are a lot more of our family holding her but I will just include the ones that you can see her best.