I know I don't. It's not because I don't have the desire, it's because I don't have the time. Any time I spend on the computer anymore is doing homework and looking for rentals. I can't believe how long it's been since I did a post but I thought I should maybe do one now. I guess we'll see if anyone reads it but really I think it's just for me.
I miss doing posts because I think they were a kind of therapy for me. Somewhere to let out the jumble of thoughts in my head. I don't think that I have enough time to get out everything that has built up in this crazy brain of mine over the last few months though.
I am finishing up my last two courses of my undergraduate degree. I can't believe it! I walked across that stage a couple of weeks ago and they handed me my "degree". (It was actually really funny because the guy sitting next to me was really upset that his actual degree wasn't in the cover, just a letter saying they'd send the degree once grades were posted).
My family and I have sacrificed a lot to get me to this point. Living with my parents has been wonderful and trying all at the same time. My boys love seeing grandma and grandpa all the time and will really miss them when we do find our own place. Also it's been so nice to have my mom and dad around to keep me company while Skeet is working in St. George. My parents have been amazing and I will probably never be able to repay them for all they have done for us over the last year. They claim they don't want us to leave but I am sure they will be so happy to get their space back and not have such chaos to deal with on a daily basis!
I just got hired part time to work in the Tanner Center while I begin, and try to finish my masters degree. I feel like I will never be done with school at this point but maybe working a few hours a week will give me the break from school and the kids that I need. My job is basically to help organize one or two big events a year. It's only 10 hours a week but pays pretty good so we'll see how it goes. I am worried about leaving the boys for work at school because it's been a while since they've had to be away from me that long. It will probably be good for them and will maybe help condition them for when I go back to work full time.
The boys are doing great. They are amazing little humans that I just adore! They try my patience to its very limit on an hourly basis but I can't imagine my life without them and their antics. Coop has developed quite the personality and I fall more in love with him every day. He is so silly and smart. He is a little bit too brave though and still likes to cling to me, especially when I need to get something done. He has begun singing and it is probably my most favorite thing ever! His favorite song is Old McDonald but his version is Old Donald Duck. His smile is so big and both that and his adorable belly laugh are so contagious!
Sawyer is our genius child. The kid never ceases to amaze me. I can't believe he is three already and going on 8 at least!! He is going to blow his preschool teacher away. I am afraid he's going to get bored. He is always saying things to us that make us wonder where our toddler went and who this little boy is. He is so head strong though and he fights me on everything just to prove that he can. I think he is a lot like his dad in that way. He wants to do everything himself and gets very upset if he misses a chance to help with just about anything you are doing. He is very ornery when he gets woken up, something he gets from his mom. He loves to draw, loves Mickey Mouse and his new favorite is Blue's Clues. He'll carry around his "handy dandy notebook" and look for clues all day long. He's also been asking the past few days if we can go to Disney Land. He'll say "after we go to the store, we are going to go to Disney Land, right momma?" It breaks my heart to tell him it will be a couple of years before that happens! The boy is too smart for his own good and so dang cute you can barely stand it. He still has some of his baby cheeks that I still love to kiss whenever I get a chance. He still asks to "hold you" and when he tells me he loves me my heart melts over and over again.
My boys saved my life. I don't know what I would do without them. They bring me joy that I never knew existed and I am so grateful I am their mom. I realized recently that I am still holding on to a lot of anger about Avery's death. Mostly about the way we were treated at the hospital and the things I feel I was cheated out of. I still miss her so much it physically hurts. I will do fine for weeks and then one day it hits me again and I have to pick myself back up and start over again. I cannot believe that she would have been 7 this year. I know that if I didn't have the boys things would be so much worse but I am still surprised when these moments of grief hit me. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and hold her just a little longer. Take another picture of her beautiful face. Kiss her one more time. I don't know if the longing will ever go away or if I even want it to. I just know that I still miss my daughter and wish so badly that she could be here with us.