Friday, May 29, 2009

Still here

The bleeding has started and my HCG levels are back below 5. We still don't know what we are going to do next but I am sure that is going to take time. I am still disappointed every morning when I wake up because I am sure every night when I fall asleep that it is all just a really bad dream and tomorrow it will all be okay. However, it's not getting better... but I guess it's really not getting worse either. I am just here, going through the motions, trying not to be the bitter, angry person that I have become. I hope that part goes away soon. Maybe my doctor can prescribe something to make me a pleasant person who likes to leave the house and isn't afraid that she will have a complete come-apart the next time she sees a pregnant woman or a baby. Maybe they make something for that...

Monday, May 25, 2009


Thank you all for your kinds words and thoughts. This has been very difficult for me. The morning of our test I was so sure that the test would be positive. My breasts were becoming more swollen and sore by the day and I had so many food aversions. When we got home I went out to clean Avery's headstone and that is when I got the call from Dr. D. He said that my numbers were going down. They had done a pregnancy test on Tuesday when I had sent my blood to Vegas and that pregnancy test came back positive (the HCG level was 10, anything over 5 is positive). He said he was very hopeful but then our second HCG level came back as an 8. He told me to stop all of my injections and pills and just allow the miscarriage to progress. As of today I have not seen any bleeding but am having stronger cramping. I am still having many pregnancy symptoms too so I am guessing my numbers are still trying to go down. I will do another blood test on Wednesday to check the numbers. I am hoping that things progress normally and I don't have to have any kind of medical intervention.
I am not going to lie, I am depressed, I am bitter and I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, I am not really ready to face anyone. I just don't understand why this keeps happening to us. I may never know why. So for now I will just try to deal with it the best I can.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Another update

Well not much to report here. I feel like I could be going crazy waiting for Saturday to get here. As far as symptoms go, I am over analyzing everything. I have been having a lot of cramping everyday since the transfer. My breasts are sore, I get sick to my stomach if I don't eat every couple of hours, I get heartburn if I even look at food and I am exhausted. However, all of those symptoms could be a result of the many, many hormones that I am taking. Right now I am on 2 estrodial pills orally, 3 x a day and one vaginally at night. I am taking 2 prometrium (progesterone) pills 4 x a day, and then of course there are they PIO (progesterone in oil) injection 2 cc every night. I have huge knots on both sides of my tush already. I try massaging the area and using a heating pad and I am sure they work a little bit but I am still in pain! My tush looks twice as wide as is normally does because of the swelling. I am still taking Zantac 2 x a day (but it doesn't seem to be working very well). I am also still taking my prenatal vitamins which are 2 pills. So if you add it all up that is 19 pills I am putting into my body every day! No wonder I feel sick!

My moods are all over the place too. One minute I feel so happy and optimistic, thinking that in 9 months I will be holding my miracle child. Then the next minute I am on the verge of tears (and in tears when I am alone) because I am so sure it didn't work.
I have been taking it easy, maybe too easy actually. I haven't cleaned my house in over a week. I did do a couple of loads of laundry yesterday but was too tired to fold any of it. Work has been so dead and quiet and it is really killing me! I mean come on! The week that I need to stay occupied so that I am not thinking constantly about my beta test ( the blood pregnancy test) on Saturday is the same week that my office becomes a ghost town. I haven't even been able to take lunch breaks so I have been sitting here for 9 hours straight every day! So, I sit at my desk trying to do busy work but my mind is constantly wondering what the result will be. I know people say " just try to relax and not think about it" or "just be positive" but those people have not been in this situation. There is absolutely no way that either of those attitudes are possible when you are waiting to find out if you one and only embryo, your one and only chance at carrying a healthy baby, has implanted and you are pregnant. NOT THAT EASY!! I know worrying doesn't help, but I am genetically programmed to worry... I worry about everything ( ask Skeet) and I can't help it (thanks Mom!). The only thing I can do is try to stay busy and hope that whatever I am doing can help the hours go by a little bit faster. I honestly wish I could just sleep through it all until Saturday, and with as tired as I have been the past couple of days... I don't think sleeping that long would ever be a problem!

I was supposed to drive to Vegas for our Beta but I have decided to drive to St. George instead. If I get the blood drawn here in Cedar there is a chance that I won't get the results on Saturday because they send the blood to St. George to run the tests, so I figure just cut out the middle man. Drive 40 minutes instead of 2.5 hours and get it over with so I can resume my activities I had planned for Saturday. Being Memorial Day weekend, Skeet and I will go out to the cemetery and clean Avery's headstone. I am not sure if she will have many visitors but I want it to look pretty if she does. I would also love to get my garden started and maybe plant some flowers. Plus I have been dying to see "Angels and Demons" since I read the book a couple of weeks ago so I am hoping I can talk Skeet into taking me to it. Of course, if my Beta comes back as negative, I will most likely spend the rest of the long weekend locked up in my room crying my eyes out.

If any of you were wondering... out of all the things that I have to do to get pregnant... waiting is the absolute worst part.

Oh yea, my friend Carrie posted more pictures from our trip, they turned out way better than mine.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Words cannot describe...

Back in December I posted a song that a dear friend of mine and her amazing friend had written and recorded. They just recently recorded "Letter From Avery" in a professional recording studio. Words cannot describe how beautiful the finished product is. Mari was kind enough to do up a slide show to debut the finished version. Please visit her blog The Burgess Family to see the slide show and hear the song. Mari not only used photos that were taken on Avery's birthday but also photos of sweet little Leah who watches over us, with Avery, from Heaven. It is a beautiful tribute to both girls.

Mari, Beckie, I have said it before but again, I cannot thank you enough for this amazing gift that you have given our family. The song is absolutely perfect and I know that Avery is pleased. I know that a lot of hard work and love went into this song and I will be forever in your debt. You are amazing women and I am so blessed to have you both as friends.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Our trip

So our trip was fantastic. We had a blast with our friends Matt and Carrie (Thanks for going with!!) We were even able to celebrate their 8th wedding anniversary!! We ate really good food.. Laid out by the pool all day long... enjoyed the luxuries of a 1900+ sq. foot, two bedroom, 2.5 bathroom suite at the JW Marriott... and of course we were able to spend some time with Jason (the guy who made it all possible) and his friend Heather. Thanks guys!! The room was indescribable. I don't know if I will ever experience anything like it again! I wish we could have extended our stay a few more days but that's okay.. it was great while it lasted. Here are some pictures in no particular order... sorry most of them didn't turn out great... I really need a new camera.

Bedroom #2

Bathroom #2

Jacuzzi tub #2 (we will all miss these!)

Skeet in the living room


Bedroom #1

Bedroom #1

Bedroom #1

Bathroom #1

Jacuzzi Tub #1 (sniff sniff..)

.5 bathroom

Bathroom #1

dark view of balcony

dark view of balcony #2

living room

living room

living room

living room

At Macaroni Grill (Skeet was mad at me and refused to cooperate)

Matt & Carrie at Macaroni Grill

At the pool

at the pool

the pool

the waterfall at the pool

Thursday, May 14, 2009

We're Baaaccckkk

So just a quick update. Vegas was amazing... we had so much fun and didn't want to come home. But on to the important things. The transfer went very smoothly today. They did, however, only transfer one of our embryos. The other did not look good enough for transfer. The one they did transfer looked perfect. I even have a picture that I will post when I can get up and use the scanner. I am on bed rest until Sunday and then restricted activity after that. They started me on 7 more pills a day (2 of which are just for 7 days) I am feeling fine.. just nervous about what our pregnancy test in 9 days will tell us!! I will keep praying that it is the Lord's plan for us to have a healthy baby of our own!

I will post pictures from our trip tomorrow!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's here!

We we will be leaving today for Vegas and I will not be on the computer again until after we get home. I can't believe it's here already! Every hour it gets closer I get more nervous and a little sick to my stomach. I am trying to stay positive but for some reason it is much easier for me to imagine the worst possible scenario than it is for me to imagine the best. I hope that it's not some kind of intuition about how things will turn out. I want so badly to believe that Heavenly Father will answer my prayers and bless us with a healthy child, however I know that He has a plan for us and if a child is not part of our plan right now then that is just the way it will be. Just thinking about that breaks my heart though. My whole life revolves around trying to have a child... it's all I think about (when I am not thinking about Avery). I know it sounds pretty pathetic but seriously, I want nothing more than to have a healthy child of my own and I would give up every material thing I have if I could just have this one wish. If only there was something I could do to ensure that this FET be a success.

I want to take a minute to again thank an anonymous stranger who made this FET possible. I still don't know who you are but I can't thank you enough. I hope that someday I can repay you for your generosity and kindness. You are truly and angel!

And of course, to all of you who have been praying for us, THANK YOU! We are so thankful for your love and support. I am so glad that I chose to tell everyone about this FET rather than keep it a secret. You all give me strength to get through every day and I don't think I could have done it without you. I hope that you will continue to keep us, our embryos, and our doctor in your prayers. We need all of the help that we can get!! I love you all and I will post as soon as I can to let you know how it all went.

Tomorrow I will try to relax as much as possible. I have a massage scheduled (thanks MOM!) in the morning and a day of sunning by the pool and non-alcoholic frozen beverages all day long. Our FET is scheduled for 11:30 a.m. Thursday morning. We will need to be there at 11:00 and I will need to have a full bladder. You know of all the things that I am required to do to prepare for the FET... the full bladder is the worst part. Sometimes if they are running behind they will make you sit there for an hour or more with your bladder about to explode! Then they start pushing on your stomach to get a clear ultrasound picture and it honestly feels like torture!! That Dr. D is a very brave man for hanging out in that area while full bladders are being poked and prodded! However, it is quite amazing to watch on that ultrasound screen and the doctor let's those little embryos go inside of your uterus. How many people get to watch themselves get pregnant? It is pretty amazing. As I watch that tiny glowing dot on the screen I am silently praying for them to stick and hold tight!!

Thank you again, for everything! I will let you know how it goes on Thursday when we get home!! Wish us luck!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Greatest Sister Ever!

I totally have the best sister ever. She did a post for me on her blog. She is currently living in Philly and I miss her everyday!! I love you Charise! Thank you!!

So I did my final blood draw in Cedar City today!! (at least until after the FET) I am so ready to get out of here and start my mini vacation. I just found out today that the suite that we are staying in while in Vegas (FOR FREE) is 400 square feet bigger than my house! It has 4 toilets in it!! Who needs 4 toilets? I want to publicly thank Mr. JP for hooking us up!

I started my progesterone injections on Saturday and so far so good!! I am so thrilled about the fact that we are only 3 days away from the transfer but at the same time I am scared to death!

One of these days if I have time I will post the protocol for a full fresh IVF cycle. It is ten times more stressful than what I have been doing!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mother's Day

I have decided that for the rest of my life Mother's Day is going to be a difficult day for me. I will always remember the little one that first made me a mother. Yes, I am a mom and proud to be one! But I am a mom with empty arms. Without a child to hold and to teach right from wrong. Hopefully someday I will have a child to hold and to teach and to love. But this Mother's Day I am reminded of the title I was given but also of what is missing. To Avery: I miss you sweetie! I am so proud to be your mom and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for you. I will never forget you and I will always be your biggest fan! I love you!

Now, instead of focusing on the hurt, I have decided to focus on how blessed I am to have such an amazing mom... and an amazing friend! As I have gotten older my mom and I have become very close. I don't know what I would do without her. She is always there for me, no matter what. She supports me and she gives advice. She trusts me and she listens to my ramblings ( I do that a lot). She has raised 4 great kids and is the best grandma to her 7 grandkids. No one ever has anything bad to say about her. She is sweet and funny and extremely beautiful. I am proud when people tell me how much I look like her!

She has become my closest ally and someone I know I can always turn to. I can always talk to her about Avery and I know that she misses her just as much as I do. I couldn't ask for a better mom. My only regret is that I take her for granted. I owe her so much. She does so much for me and never expects anything in return. I know that my entire family would agree with me when I say that we are all extremely blessed to have her in our lives.
Happy Mother's Day! I truly hope that today, and every other day, you realize what a huge inspiration you are to me. You have been an amazing mom and I appreciate all that you do. I know that there is no way that I could have survived the past couple of years without you. Your faith and your strength makes me want to be a better person. I look up to you in so many ways. I am so proud to be your daughter and your friend. You are beautiful inside and out and everyone around you sees it, even when you don't.
I owe you so much and don't even know how I can thank you enough for all that you have done for me and for my family. Avery is so lucky to have you as her grandma and I am so lucky to have you as my mom. I hope that someday I can be the mother to my kids that you have been to me and my siblings. Mom, I hope that you know that I love you and I will always love you! Most of all, I hope that you feel that love, not only today but everyday.
Thank you for being such a great mom, for putting up with me and all my issues and especially for just being you.
I love you so much!
Love, Candi

And to all of the other moms in my life, my grandmothers, my mother-in-law, my sister and sisters-in-law, and my friends; you all inspire me every day. I love you all and hope that you know how much I appreciate you and all that you do!

Our first picture together! (that's me in her tummy) Sorry it's sideways!

I may get in trouble for posting this one... sorry girls but I think it's cute!

Friday, May 8, 2009


This morning I got up at 5:00 a.m. and was out the door by 6:15. I never get up that early but I had to drive to Vegas this morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork!! My uterine lining was measuring 11 mm! Perfect!! I was given the okay to do my last Lupron injection tonight and begin my PIO shots tomorrow at 7:00 p.m. I have to make sure that I do it around 7:00 every night... it gets a little inconvenient... but it'll be worth it when I am holding my baby!
I got back to work at 12:30, so it seems I made pretty good time considering I hit traffic both ways and an accident on the Black Ridge. I am going to have trouble staying awake this afternoon, I am soooo ready for a nap!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blood disaster

Sorry it has taken me a while to do an update... I swore that I had updated after my Monday ultrasound but I guess I didn't... seems like I already have pregnancy brain! It must be the hormones!
Anyway... last week I ran into a little bit of a road block with my blood. Fed Ex finally figured out that I was sending something perishable items and I guess I was not packaging them correctly... that's what I get for using a bunch of ice instead of a frozen ice pack to ship... anyway, the Fed Ex lady refused my package. I freaked of course because I needed to get the blood, or at least the results, to Vegas by the next day. Luckily I have an awesome sister-in-law who works in the lab at the hospital. She met me there and was able to send it out to get run. THANKS SYD!!! I would do this every time but it costs me $150 each time I do it because my insurance won't cover anything related to fertility treatments. So as I was stressing about what I am going to do the next time I need to get my blood to Vegas, I got a call from my IVF nurse and she tells me, very nonchalantly, that all of their Arizona and Utah patients use a courier service that will meet them at the lab to pick up the blood and take it directly to Vegas that very same day. hmmmm.... I have been a patient there for how long now... 2 whole years.... and this is the first I have heard of this convenient courier service??? I wanted to SCREAM!! All those times that I have worried about the blood getting there on time and whether or not Fed Ex was going to lose it, again! Oh and then there was the stress of making sure it was all packaged right and that it was cold enough to make the overnight trip and still arrive in good condition to have tests run on it... WTH!!! All of that stress that I could have done without and nobody thought to mention it to me!!
So I took a breath... counted to 10... and took down the courier's number. Then the next day I called and made arrangements to have someone meet me at the hospital at 8 a.m. on Monday to pick up my blood and take it to Vegas for me. Yes it was that easy... I couldn't believe it!
However, I felt a little strange, sitting in my car with my blood in a box and a check for $55, trying to read a book but constantly checking my rear view to see if the gold, Chevy van was approaching. It sort-of felt like I was doing something illegal. I was even more concerned when the man that stepped out of the van (who looked in his late forties) had multiple piercings in his face and a bunch of tattoos. It's a good thing I didn't meet him at the storage unit (which is another option for $5 less). I would have really felt like I was starring in some CSI - Iron County episode. Young, naive, infertile woman, innocently meets 40 year old wanna-be punk at an out-of-the-way storage unit in a dark alley to simply hand off a package... my imagination is going crazy... the possibilities are endless...
So now that we have that all settled, I have one more ultrasound and 3 more blood draws before my FET in 8 days... Can you believe it? Only 8 days!! On Friday I will have an ultrasound and blood work and if all looks good I will do my last Lupron injection Friday night and my first Progesterone injection (the kind that hurts!) on Saturday night. I am expecting everything to look good seeing as the lining of my uterus is already close to 10 mm (10 is where it needs to be for a good chance of implantation). This means that the Estrodial pills have been doing their job a lot better than I expected and I may not have to start on the "itchy" patches.
I am a little worried about the PIO injections (progesterone in oil) though. My tushie is still sensitive from the last FET in Aug 08, I am beginning to think that I may have some nerve damage in that area. Plus, the process is a little bit more difficult with the PIO only because it is much thicker. It takes a much bigger needle to draw it out, and it's harder to inject because you change out the needles to a smaller version so it doesn't hurt as bad. Then you have to massage and warm the area after every injection so that you don't get a knot built up in that spot. Nobody told me this with our first attempt and I had huge knots on both sides... it took my entire pregnancy for them to go away. This time I know better and I hope that it won't be as bad!
So that's where I am at. I am so excited to spend an extra day in Vegas laying by the pool and getting rubbed down!! Oh and I can hardly wait for the Cheesecake Factory!!! I would seriously eat every meal there if I could...that place is awesome!