Friday, May 29, 2009

Still here

The bleeding has started and my HCG levels are back below 5. We still don't know what we are going to do next but I am sure that is going to take time. I am still disappointed every morning when I wake up because I am sure every night when I fall asleep that it is all just a really bad dream and tomorrow it will all be okay. However, it's not getting better... but I guess it's really not getting worse either. I am just here, going through the motions, trying not to be the bitter, angry person that I have become. I hope that part goes away soon. Maybe my doctor can prescribe something to make me a pleasant person who likes to leave the house and isn't afraid that she will have a complete come-apart the next time she sees a pregnant woman or a baby. Maybe they make something for that...

13 comments:

Jennifer said...

Sending love and thoughts and prayers. I know it probably doesn't mean much and I wish it could be more.

Lindsay-Weaver said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It's ok if you need to take time to grieve, I think that's to be expected. I'm praying for you. I wish I had something magnificent to say to make you feel better.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry, again. Bitter and angry are words I can easily describe myself with as well. You are grieving and heartbroken, hopefully the people in your life understand why you have no desire to leave your own yard. Hugs.

Mandy said...

It is ok to be upset,bitter,and angry. That is how we all grieve.Sending you lots of love and prayers.

Inklings said...

I felt the same way after I lost my first baby and couldn't get pregnant again for quite awhile. Time does help. I am sorry you have had so many disapppointments and I am still praying for you. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Candi.

Eva

Patty Sampson said...

I was angry, teary, and wanted to be alone too. It helped me to do crafts because I could be alone in my house and get my mind off things for at least as long as the project took. Don't rush yourself. You'll find that you have good days and bad, and when you think it is all finally over with suddenly it will come crashing back. But each time the crash is a little less painful until one day the ache is only an ache instead of a crushing pain. We are praying for you. I am so sorry.

BRYAN'S YAYA said...

Wishing I could make it better. God has a plan for you, I am praying that it presents itself soon. Hugs to you.

Danielle said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this, and my thoughts are with you.

Lora said...

Your post is heart-breaking. I know so many women have felt this. You are so honest about it. I am so, so sorry!!

Henrie Fam said...

Candi, I have thought for a few days of what I could say and have never come up with anything I could say that would help, so I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so very sorry. It is heartbreaking.

Amy said...

Hi Candi,
If you find the magic pill that makes all of this less lame send me one too!
I am thinking of you and Skeet. This loss must be so difficult. I am so deeply sorry.
Amy

Lightning Strikes said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through all this. I wish I had something that I could do to make things better for you! You are an amazing person, always remember that. *Hugs*