Thursday, June 4, 2009

Phone Consult

I just got off the phone with Dr. D. He wanted to go over this last thaw cycle and discuss our options for the future. There are a few tests he wants to run just to rule some things out but ultimately he believes that the reason we have suffered 2 miscarriages (which doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have so much riding on each attempt... 2 is a huge number) is a chromosomal abnormality that he blames on my eggs. He believes that Skeet's sperm quality is great so the problem is obviously with the quality of eggs that my ovaries produce. The cause of this, he believes, is the endometriosis that I have suffered from since I was about 16. Endometriosis, if located on or near the ovaries can affect the quality of the eggs that the ovaries release. There is no cure for Endometriosis. The only thing that can really make it go away is menopause, which isn't an option if you are trying to have babies. Even surgery isn't a fix, it can actually make it worse if the affected spots are on the ovaries. He believes that the only chance we have to become pregnant (this is also because of my defective remaining tube and my PCOS) is to get more eggs and try again.

Dr. D knows that we are not in a place financially to do another fresh IVF cycle. There is NO WAY that we could come up with that kind of money in the near... or even distant.. future. He mentioned that there is a clinical trial that he is going to try to get me in that deals with using a different stimulation protocol and it may cover a lot of the costs for another fresh cycle. The only problem is that usually these clinical trials will only cover the medications or a portion of the costs of the cycle. In this case... it would not be an option for us because like I said before... we are not in a place that we could cover any of the expenses right now. I will have new insurance in July that will cover 50% of infertility but only up to $1500 a year... which in all reality is not much when you are talking about an $11,000 procedure.

Where does this leave us? I have no idea. I plan on getting the testing done that Dr. D has requested. A Hysteroscopy, which they will put a camera up into my uterus to check for fibroids or other abnormalities; this he believes will come back normal. He also wants to test for Thrombophilia factor, which is a blood clotting disorder; this he also believes will come back normal. So even though he doesn't think that my miscarriages have anything to do with either of these issues, I will do them because he has asked. Then, I will speak with him again and we will discuss our next steps. I am not hopeful at this point because of financing. It would be completely irresponsible for Skeet and I to get any further into debt than we already are.

Adoption is our only other option, and it is an option that I am not even close to being ready to think about. I have done extensive research on the protocol and what is involved and I don't believe that I am mentally or emotionally ready to take it on. I am so completely devastated and still very bitter, and getting myself into the stress and anxiety that goes along with the adoption process would not be a good idea for me right now.

Being that I am still in a bad place, I plan on taking things a day at a time. That is all I can handle right now. I am still not ready to face people. I don't believe I am ready to go back to church, or to hang out with my friends. Because I have to work, I do but I am so emotionally and physically drained by the end of the day that it is starting to take it's toll. I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It doesn't help that today I turn 28 years old and I feel like a complete failure. I know that I am still young to some but to me I feel like I am 40 and I have done nothing with my life. I am sure those feelings will go away eventually but for right now I am so disappointed in myself. Happy freakin' Birthday to me. Blah.


Amy said...

I felt like garbage on my birthday too. Growing older just made me feel worse about not having my child.
Since you are able to carry a child, have you thought about embryo (snowflake) adoption? I looked into it, but I am too afraid of pregnancy to do it. It seems both easier and cheaper than regular adoption, and if you know someone who will donate the embryos to you directly then you can even skip the certifications. Since you know your way around an IVF cycle it could be a good fit for you.

Anonymous said...

I know you are feeling horrible right now but believe it or not, I admire your courage through all you have been through. Praying that God makes his plan for you clear and amazing.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through the CF Husbands blog and I have been reading yours for quite some time. I admire your courage and the fact that you haven't given up. I pray for you and your husband on a consistent basis and hope that you find the peace that you need. I will continue to pray for you and your family as you consider all the options.

I too have lost a child and know that most will never know the pain that you feel. Please know you're not alone and people are praying for you.

I'm sorry your birthday wasn't what you wanted this year. I hope next years will be better.

Tina said...

Happy Freakin' Birthday is right! Go look in the mirror, smile at yourself and realize what a beautiful person you are. I know it's hard right now. I cannot even imagine what you're going through. But, I promise, you have a lot to look forward to! We may not know what it is but I know that our Heavenly Father has some special things in store for all of us. Keep your head up and put a smile on your face...everything's going to be o.k. And, seriously, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

The Schexnayders said...

Wow. Well I didnt expect that. You are not even close to being a failure! You have your associates degree.. a beautiful home... a handsome husband that loves you and a beautiful baby girl that is waiting on you in heaven. She needs you to be strong, pick yourself up and endure to the end because many blessings await for us after this life and believe it or not they will come in this life as well.

I hope I have not said anything to insult... thats not what my intention is. I just think you are wonderful and I only hope I can be the kind of woman that you are some day.

Maybe its time for a little counseling for you and Skeet? You guys have had a lot of devastation lately...

Love you!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the first post about embryo adoption, it should even be less expensive then an IVF cycle.

I have been reading your blog for a long time as well and keep you in my prayers. I've been looking into donating my eggs and I really wish that it could help you in some way, but I know finances are an issue.

Have faith Candi, somehow your prayers will be answered.

Lindsay-Weaver said...

First off- Happy Birthday! You're an amazing woman and I hope that you have a better day, even though I know you're disappointed right now. (and I also think you have every right to feel that way.)

Second of all, I love how you write your emotions so clearly. I think it gives us all a little insight to the very sensitive nature of infertility.

Lightning Strikes said...

I hope you had a happy birthday! You are an AMAZING person!! Skeet is so lucky to have you!
I will continue to hope that things will turn around for you, and that you won't have to continue dealing with disappointments!!

The Neilsons said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. When I first read that your latest attempt didn't work I thought there was some sort of mistake. I've been reading your blog hoping to find out that it was a mistake, but no such luck.
You and Avery's reunion will be beautiful (and I hope to witness it), but I hope something good happens in between now and then.

Henrie Fam said...

Still praying for you hon