Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Do People Read Blogs Anymore???

I know I don't.  It's not because I don't have the desire, it's because I don't have the time.  Any time I spend on the computer anymore is doing homework and looking for rentals.  I can't believe how long it's been since I did a post but I thought I should maybe do one now.  I guess we'll see if anyone reads it but really I think it's just for me. 
I miss doing posts because I think they were a kind of therapy for me.  Somewhere to let out the jumble of thoughts in my head.  I don't think that I have enough time to get out everything that has built up in this crazy brain of mine over the last few months though. 
I am finishing up my last two courses of my undergraduate degree.  I can't believe it! I walked across that stage a couple of weeks ago and they handed me my "degree". (It was actually really funny because the guy sitting next to me was really upset that his actual degree wasn't in the cover, just a letter saying they'd send the degree once grades were posted). 
My family and I have sacrificed a lot to get me to this point.  Living with my parents has been wonderful and trying all at the same time.  My boys love seeing grandma and grandpa all the time and will really miss them when we do find our own place.  Also it's been so nice to have my mom and dad around to keep me company while Skeet is working in St. George.  My parents have been amazing and I will probably never be able to repay them for all they have done for us over the last year.  They claim they don't want us to leave but I am sure they will be so happy to get their space back and not have such chaos to deal with on a daily basis! 
I just got hired part time to work in the Tanner Center while I begin, and try to finish my masters degree.  I feel like I will never be done with school at this point but maybe working a few hours a week will give me the break from school and the kids that I need.  My job is basically to help organize one or two big events a year.  It's only 10 hours a week but pays pretty good so we'll see how it goes.  I am worried about leaving the boys for work at school because it's been a while since they've had to be away from me that long.  It will probably be good for them and will maybe help condition them for when I go back to work full time. 


The boys are doing great.  They are amazing little humans that I just adore!  They try my patience to its very limit on an hourly basis but I can't imagine my life without them and their antics.  Coop has developed quite the personality and I fall more in love with him every day.  He is so silly and smart.  He is a little bit too brave though and still likes to cling to me, especially when I need to get something done.  He has begun singing and it is probably my most favorite thing ever! His favorite song is Old McDonald but his version is Old Donald Duck.  His smile is so big and both that and his adorable belly laugh are so contagious!


Sawyer is our genius child.  The kid never ceases to amaze me.  I can't believe he is three already and going on 8 at least!!  He is going to blow his preschool teacher away. I am afraid he's going to get bored.  He is always saying things to us that make us wonder where our toddler went and who this little boy is.  He is so head strong though and he fights me on everything just to prove that he can. I think he is a lot like his dad in that way.  He wants to do everything himself and gets very upset if he misses a chance to help with just about anything you are doing.  He is very ornery when he gets woken up, something he gets from  his mom.  He loves to draw, loves Mickey Mouse and his new favorite is Blue's Clues.  He'll carry around his "handy dandy notebook" and look for clues all day long.  He's also been asking the past few days if we can go to Disney Land.  He'll say "after we go to the store, we are going to go to Disney Land, right momma?" It breaks my heart to tell him it will be a couple of years before that happens!  The boy is too smart for his own good and so dang cute you can barely stand it.  He still has some of his baby cheeks that I still love to kiss whenever I get a chance.  He still asks to "hold you" and when he tells me he loves me my heart melts over and over again. 


My boys saved my life.  I don't know what I would do without them.  They bring me joy that I never knew existed and I am so grateful I am their mom.  I realized recently that I am still holding on to a lot of anger about Avery's death.  Mostly about the way we were treated at the hospital and the things I feel I was cheated out of.  I still miss her so much it physically hurts.  I will do fine for weeks and then one day it hits me again and I have to pick myself back up and start over again.  I cannot believe that she would have been 7 this year.  I know that if I didn't have the boys things would be so much worse but I am still surprised when these moments of grief hit me.  What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and hold her just a little longer.  Take another picture of her beautiful face.  Kiss her one more time.  I don't know if the longing will ever go away or if I even want it to.  I just know that I still miss my daughter and wish so badly that she could be here with us. 



Sunday, October 27, 2013

The things I want to always remember 2013 edition

I haven't done a post like this in a while.  I wish I had time to write down everything the boys do and say so that I could forever remember it.  I wish I had a good memory and I could always remember how adorable Coop looked today walking away from me like a little drunken man.  He was trying out walking in shoes on the pavement and did a great job.  I could take thousands of videos of these boys on my phone if it would let me!  I hate that my memory is so bad and I cannot remember what Sawyer was like without having to be reminded by looking at pictures.  I can't remember most of my childhood, even high school and after is a blur.  I hate that about me! 

Things I want to remember about Sawyer...
How he says "Oh thank you momma" when I do something, anything for him.
How he tells me " Momma, I hold you" when he wants to be held.
How he will grab my face and turn it to kiss my cheek, while saying "Here, let me kiss your face"
How excited he gets when he sees daddy or grandpa.
How worked up he gets when grandma teases him about taking a nap with his kitty or how she's going to eat his dinner.
How every little thing out of his mouth surprises and amazes me.
The way he looks when he first wakes up.
How it feels to have his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder.
How perfectly he still fits on my lap with my arms around him. 
How he says "it's gonna be much fun" or " I so excited"
How intently he will stare at a book and the sweet comments he'll make as we read.
The moments when he is sweet to his brother.
Any time he reaches for me.
Any time he asks for my help
How he will be eating his food and will randomly say "hmm needs salt" or "yummy dinner momma, thank you"
How much he loves to paint and the joy in his face while he's doing it.
How proud he is of himself when he accomplishes something he's been working at.
How big his eyes get when he's telling us something that excites him.
How much he loves his doggy and how excited he gets to see her.

Things I want to remember about Cooper.
The way he holds on to my hand or arm when I'm holding him.
His cuddles (they are awesome)
The way he sort of sings to himself right before he goes to sleep
The way he dances
His adorable waddle in the first few weeks after he started walking
The way he yells "momma" or "bop-bop" (grandpa) from his crib when he wakes up.
His long hair.
The way he points his finger and says "no-no" when he's about to do something, or in the middle of doing something, he knows he's not supposed to be doing.
The way he says "stuck", "bite" or "more"
His cheesy grin
The way he claps for himself
The way he looks at his big brother (most of the time)
How sweet he is when he smiles
How much he loves his blankie
How he'll grab my shoulder or arm to try to turn me in the direction he wants me to go.
How he holds on to my pant legs as I walk around the house
His fishy face
His belly laugh
His love for Peek-a-boo (although he only says "boo")
How much he loves to pretend to drive and how he says "nun nun"
How much he loves his dad
How it feels to hold him and smell his sweet head, kiss his squishy cheeks and feel his soft skin
The way he'll cuddle into me to read a book or play with my phone
The way he looks with just his 8 little front teeth.

I am sure there is more... I love these boys more than words can say.  I can't believe how blessed I am and I pray I will never take them for granted.  This opportunity for me to stay home with them has been amazing and I will never regret it.  I dread the day when my schooling is done and I have to go back to work! 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Happy Heavenly Birthday Miss Avery

Avery,
I cannot believe that six years have passed since I held your fragile little body in my arms and said hello and goodbye all at the same time.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder how different our lives would be if we had only been able to keep you here with us.  So much has happened in the last six years and I know you have been here with us through it all.  Some days I just feel so cheated when I think about much we missed out on.  You would have started kindergarten this year.  That is such a big milestone. So when I saw all of my friends posting pictures of their little ones heading off to their first day of school I felt that ache in my heart knowing that I should have been taking you to your first day of school. I should have been taking pictures, and crying like moms do when their babies take the next step in growing up. 
I can imagine throwing you a princess birthday party with all of your friends and your excitement for Halloween this year.  I wonder what you would have wanted to dress up as.  I wonder if you could help me to get Sawyer to agree to dress up as anything!  I bet you would have been the best big sister and the boys would have adored you.
Your brothers do a very good job at keeping me busy so I don't have as much time to be sad as I used to.  Maybe you had a talk with them to make sure they kept my mind off the pain in my chest when I have bad days.  I hope that you are with them and watch over them every day.  I am afraid they need some extra watching over because they seem determined to get hurt every time I turn my back.  Especially little Cooper. 
You must miss them so much.  I can hardly wait for the day when I get to see all three of you together.  What an amazing reunion that will be.  Please continue to watch over them and keep them safe.  Also, never forget how much I love you and how much you are missed.  I will do my best to be a good mom and a good person and not disappoint you. 
Thank you for being my daughter and for changing me in all the ways that you have.  I am so proud to be your mom and will love and miss you every second of every day until we are together again.  Happy Birthday baby girl.  I love you.

Love always,
Mommy

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Big Boy!

Sawyer is almost two and a half!  If you were to look at him and hear him talk, you would definitely think he was over three.  Big brother is so smart and so stinking big!  Some days I will just sit and watch him and I cannot believe how much he has grown.  He says the funniest things to us.  He and I have some very interesting conversations.

I love how he gets so excited when he talks that he will say "no, no, no, no, no... " until he can finally spit the words out that he's trying to say.  I love how big his eyes get when he is talking about something serious or exciting.  I love how he will look at you so serious and say something totally off the wall.  I love how possessive he is of his food, even when he has no intention of eating it.  How he doesn't like to joke about his kitty, especially when it comes to grandma threatening to sleep with his kitty in his bed. 

He is becoming good at trying to negotiate.  You tell him it's nap time and he'll say "how about we paint" or "how about we watch Mickey Mouse".  The boy loves Mickey Mouse and just about anything else on Disney Jr.  He has discovered Little Einsteins and is always asking mom to pat with him.  He can recognize all of his letters and tell us what sounds they make.  He has at least 5 of his favorite books memorized and will recite them to himself when he's in bed trying to go to sleep.  He has reached the stage where he wants to do everything himself and will throw a complete tantrum if he doesn't get to do something that he thinks he should be able to do.  When he wants you to acknowledge something he is doing or sees he will repeat himself over and over until you give the right answer or response (whatever he feels is the right answer anyway). 

He loves to paint.  He is so artistic and is always wanting to color, draw, or paint.  He can count to twenty and has begun obsessing about counting things. 

He loves to boss his baby brother around.  He also loves to push, hit, kick, and scratch baby brother but Coop loves him and has started to hit back.  Some days they do play nice and it's the sweetest thing ever. 

Sawyer is becoming such a polite little boy.  If you do something for him or give him something you will usually hear an "Oh, thank you".  He's learned that "please momma" will get him a lot more than just being demanding or whiney.  He has a big heart and doesn't like when people cry or are hurt. 

He hates to have his teeth brushed but did so well at his last dentist appointment.  He just laid there and opened his mouth big and wide.  He was so proud of himself.  He adores his dad and his grandpa but he still has a soft spot for mommy (thank goodness!). 

He has started to ask you to "watch this" while he does a "trick".  He is always asking mom to dance and just the other day he sang a song for me in the car and asked me to dance to it.  He made it up and it was so precious!

Every day I am amazed by how smart he is and by the things he says.  He is definitely in his terrible twos but they seem pretty mild to Cooper's... well whatever stage Cooper is going through. 

I have said it before and I'll keep saying it.  I feel like the luckiest mom ever.  I was blessed with amazing children and I hope that I never take them for granted! 
















Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Well this post is only a month late but I had to get a one year post on here for my baby!  I cannot believe my little Super Coop is one year old!!  He is growing up way too fast and most days he's one going on three.  He can't seem to act big enough and has to keep outdoing himself every chance he gets. 
I'll start with his stats. 
At his one year appointment Coop was 19 lbs and 30.5 inches tall.  He is in the 5th percentile for weight and 73rd for height.  He's tall and skinny like his big brother.  I wish I could figure out how to put some meat on  his bones! He is always moving so I don't know if I could get enough calories in him that would actually stay there. 
He has taken 4 steps but really seems to have no desire to actually walk. He can get where he wants faster when he's crawling. 
He is starting to talk and it's adorable!  He can say "no" and "no way" too well if you ask me.  He says momma very well also, and is constantly yelling for me whether it's from his crib after his nap or first thing in the morning, or from at my feet.  We have a game now where we'll take turns calling out to each other from across the room. He thinks he's hilarious! 
He can also say "dada" or "dad", "bop-bop" for grandpa (he used to say grandpa but my dad calls him bop-bop and now that's what he says every time he sees grandpa), "doggie", "more" (he also signs this one), "baby" (he calls the iPad baby), "bubbles", "stuck", "boo", and "ball". He also knows what the cow, kitty, doggie, monkey and sheep says.
He is starting to point at his, and other peoples', eyes, nose, mouth and ears. 
He has no fear and is going to cause me to go completely gray well before my time!  He will go head first off of anything, even out of your arms if he wants down.  He climbs on anything and will keep at something until he gets it.  He has started standing up in his high chair, even when we strap him in he still finds a way. 
He loves to play peek-a-boo.
He has the most adorable laugh and smile.
He gives the sweetest loves and kisses. 
He loves to take baths and can sense water.  If there is water on the ground he will find it and be soaked before I know what's going on.
He adores his big brother.  Even when big brother hits, pushes or scratches him.  He wants to do everything that Sawyer is doing and will throw a better tantrum than Sawyer if he doesn't get his way.  (Like I said... going on three).  One of my very favorite things is when they are playing nice and laughing at each other.  Hearing them giggle at each other is the most amazing sound ever! 
He is a momma's boy through and through.  Although lately it doesn't have to be momma holding him, as long as someone is.  Grandpa says this is my fault and that I spoil him but I swear I didn't try to.  I think I hold him to keep him out of trouble or keep him from hurting himself or getting hurt by big brother, and he just got used to it and now insists on it. Not sure how to fix that one! 
He loves to be outside.  He will throw a fit if you take him in before he's ready.  He'll try to eat anything also, unless it's actual food.  He loves to put rocks, dirt, sand, flowers, just about anything in his mouth and then smile and try to run (crawl quickly) from me when I come after him to get it out. 
Lately, when he does something he knows he's not supposed to he'll do it an then look at me, point his finger and say "no-no". 
His favorite foods are peaches, chicken nuggets, French fries, peas, corn, corn dogs, mac n cheese, pears, raspberries, and anything sweet. He refuses to drink straight milk so we are still mixing a little formula in his bottles along with the milk.  I am hoping in the next month to have him on milk and then off a bottle a month after that... we'll see. He loves his "ba-ba".  He also loves his "ba" (blanket) and won't sleep well unless it's in his bed.  Sure wish I would have seen that one coming, I would have bought a back up!
He is wearing some 6-9 month and some 12 month clothes, size 4 shoes (although he won't keep them on) and still in size 3 diapers.
I don't know what to do with this stinker but I don't know what I would do without him.  I love every little thing about him and am so happy that he is mine! 

Super Coop,

Happy Birthday little man!  I can't believe you are a year old already! I wish I could figure out how to slow time and enjoy you at every stage just a little bit longer.  You are such a strong-willed and determined little guy.  We have had so much fun watching you grow and learn.  You give me more anxiety than I think I can handle most of the time but then you flash me your adorable dimply smile and give me a hug and all is forgiven. 
You love your big brother and want to do everything he is doing.  Some days he doesn't like that very much but we know you two will grow to be the very best of friends and we hope you will always be there for each other no matter what. 
You have been such a blessing to our family.  We can't imagine our lives without you.  Your daddy and I pray every day that you will grow big and strong and will have all the things in life that you need.  I hope that you know and feel how much you are loved every minute of every day and that it is never a question.  You, your brother and your sister are the best things we ever did and we will love you every second of every day for the rest of eternity.  I hope you always know that. 
We are so proud to be your parents and you amaze us every day with how smart and strong you are!
You are destined to do amazing things little man and I am so excited to watch it all unfold.  I love you so much!
Love you always,
Mommy