Thinking about Miss Avery

I know I haven't posted anything about Avery lately but that doesn't mean that I don't think about her every day, most of the day actually.  Lately I have been thinking about how much I wish I could feel her with me, or have some kind of comforting experience like a dream or a good feeling.  The only dreams I have ever had about my sweet daughter were right after she was born and they weren't good, or comforting at all.  They were horrible and sad.  I hear stories of other mothers who have amazing experiences and feel their angel babies close to them.  I don't know that I have had anything quite like that.  I like to believe that she is with me and that I will see her again.  I can't even imagine how I could cope if I didn't believe that I will see her and hold her again.  I have been thinking about this more and more lately. 
I haven't been to church since the bi-chemical pregnancy.  I don't know why but the thought of going back gives me anxiety and makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I think by the time we did our last FET I had convinced myself that if my Heavenly Father really loved me, he wouldn't make me suffer the disappointment of another miscarriage or loss.  I had decided that I wouldn't get my hopes up unless I really had a reason to and that if the pregnancy test came back negative then that was just the way it was supposed to be.  Even when I started having the pregnancy symptoms I tried to talk myself out of thinking that it was because I was pregnant.  It wasn't until the day of my pregnancy test that I let myself believe that I could in fact be pregnant.  I let myself do so because while sitting at breakfast with Skeet after having my blood drawn in Las Vegas, I gagged when I caught a wiff of his coffee, a smell I usually love.  I honestly could not handle the scent and I knew it wasn't all in my head.  So I let myself believe that on that day I would be getting the amazing news that I had longed for for so long.  Then, later that day, while I was cleaning off the headstone of my only child, I got the phone call that broke my heart.  My heart still has not mended from that day.  It was an awful day.  Knowing that I had been pregnant, but only for a moment, it made me put up a wall.  After that I didn't want to go back and sit at church and see all those new babies and pregnant mommies and be constantly reminded of what I have had taken away from me again and again.  I couldn't open up my heart and soul again, and I didn't feel loved anymore.  I felt hurt and betrayed.  I have often wondered if this is why I don't have those peaceful feelings about Avery, or the dreams of her that would bring me comfort. 

I don't know.  For well over a year I attended my church meetings, said my prayers faithfully, read my scriptures, paid my tithing (for the most part and for the first time in my life) and served in my callings and even during those times I did not have one experience that made me feel comforted or that she was close by.  I was doing everything right, so why didn't I feel better?  If anything I felt worse.  I second guessed my every decision.  I felt like I was constantly judging myself and every little mistake I made was going to keep me from ever seeing my little girl again.  I didn't grow up in an actively religious family and to be honest... I know very little about my religion.  I do know that I have been to other church services for other religions and I have never felt that they were right for me, they were never as comfortable as the services I attended as a child-the few times that we did attend.  But was that just because that was all I knew??  I am not saying I have never felt the spirit, I have and I know that.  The night Avery was born, I felt the spirit very strongly, but I don't know that it was hers. 

I guess right now I am just frustrated and scared.  I have been trying to talk myself in to going back to church for months now because I want to feel better.  I want to feel close to my Heavenly Father and more than anything I want to feel close to my daughter.  I just don't want to go back to beating myself up over every mistake I have ever made and will ever make.  I was told once that Satan will work on me harder when he knows that I am trying to do what is right.  That doesn't seem fair.  It is hard enough without thinking that I will never again be able to make a decision without Satan trying to persuade me to make the wrong one.  Is that really what life is supposed to be like?  I have a hard time believing that a Father that loves us more than we can comprehend, and wants the very best for us, would keep me from being with my daughter again because I can't find the strength to sit through meetings where I can't help but be constantly reminded of what I don't have and so desperately want.  When I should leave feeling happy and fulfilled, but actually leave feeling beat down and depressed.  Does He really want that for me? 

I am sorry to make this post all about faith, something I guess I have very little of right now.  I have been holding on to these feelings for months now and just needed to get them out and have a good cry at the same time.  I only ask that if you comment, please don't lecture me about religion and don't make it a religion debate. 

I miss my daughter.  I love my daughter.  I am a mother with empty arms and it hurts.

P.S.  Keep in mind that I am extremely hormonal right now and lonely without my hubby here.  I do know that I am blessed with so many things in my life, I just needed a little vent session.

YAY!!

I just looked at my EOB for my surgeries.... my insurance is paying!! I just have to cover 20% which should pretty much be covered by the deposit I had to pay before surgery.  I can't tell you what a huge relief this is!! I am so very excited!!  I just wish that somehow we could get rid of the other medical bills that have stacked up over the past year.  I am still reeling from finding out that I have to pay $1000 for the genetic test that was ordered after my 2nd miscarriage.  I was told it was medically necessary because of "habitual pregnancy loss" (which totally sounds like it's on purpose... I hate that).  Oh well... maybe we'll get a good tax return??  Anyway, just wanted to share the good news!  I can't wait to tell Skeet!

Is it working already?

It's been over a week since the surgery and things are going well for the most part.  I am back to work now and have been able to survive a full day of work and class without passing out so I think that is progress!!  I do, however, have an infection in 3 of my incision sites so I am now taking antibiotics to try to get rid of that.  I have been keeping the sites clean but I think I got the infections because I sweat at night.  I know, it's gross, but it's the hormones... I can't help it!! 
I saw Dr. S yesterday about the infections and he was so excited to hear that my cycle has begun, by itself, so soon after surgery.  I don't know if this is just a fluke or if it means that the procedure has done what it was supposed to do already.  In 3 weeks I will be getting some blood work done to check my progesterone levels which will tell us whether or not I ovulated this cycle.  Skeet's out of town for a couple of weeks so I am hoping that if I do... it doesn't happen until he gets back!!  I know it will probably take a couple of months before my egg quality starts to go up so I am not going to expect anything major to happen for a while.  I will start tracking my cycles better now to see if they are coming on time every month.  I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I keep thinking that it's about time for Skeet and I to get a break.  I'll keep you all posted!!

Recovery

Well it was a long day yesterday but I am home and healing nicely, or at least I think so.  The pain isn't too bad as long as I don't move.  I have 6 incisions all around my abdomen and of course my shoulder is killing me from the gas that they blew me up with for surgery. 
The gallbladder sugery went very smoothly and so did the other two. Dr. S found only 2 small spots of endometriosis and a large cyst growing on one of my ovaries (I am sure he told me which one but I don't remember now... I was so out of it).  He said the diathermy went well, he did 4 punctures but had to cauterize a little longer than he normally would have because of how swollen my ovaries are from the PCOS. I am going to have Dr. S send the results to Dr. D just so that he can see for himself that endometriosis has nothing to do with my egg quality.  There was one tiny spot on one ovary and the rest was further from the ovaries and closer to the uterus.  Also, my remainig tube looked healthy. 
I won't know for a couple of months if the diathermy will work and won't know how not having a gallbladder will effect me for another couple of weeks.  From the looks of it though I am pretty sure I will be much better in a few days.  I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers, I am so lucky to have such an amazing support system. 
Well I am drugged up on some heavy stuff and am sure I have 20+ spelling mistakes so I will be going now.  Thank you again for everyone that is cheering us on!  Love you!!

It's Happening!

Today is the big day and I have to admit I am really nervous.  I have had a couple of laparoscopic surgeries before but never this many incisions.  I think I can handle the pain... my worries are more about whether or not I will feel better after my gallbladder is out.  I hope that I can still eat like a normal person after it is out.  I look forward to being able to have some yummy buttered popcorn at the movie and not suffer for hours afterward.  I am also worried that I am putting too much hope into the diathermy.  I want so badly for it to make some kind of difference and I can't wait to start seeing the results.  What if this could be it??  Wouldn't that be so amazing?  And if it works for me that means it could work for someone else and that would be so great!! 
I don't have to be to the hospital until 11:15 and I haven't eaten since 8 last night so I am a little hungry and the nerves aren't helping that.  I guess I should go shower and try to keep my mind off of what could go wrong!!  Typical me!  Wish me luck!

Thank you Mari and Beckie... again

Mari posted Avery's song to a slideshow on her blog and I LOVE it!!  There are some pictures in there that I haven't even seen.  My sister had sent them to her and I had no idea they even existed.  Thank you Mari and Beckie.  You gave me a gift that I will cherish the rest of my life.  Please visit this link and watch.  It is sooo sweet!

Going under the knife

I don't have time to do a long post but I wanted to just post that I will be having surgery on January 26th.  I am going to have my gallbladder removed, have my endometriosis lasered, and have the ovarian diathermy done on my ovaries.  I am a little bit nervous about the insurance part of it but will keep praying that the majority of the procedure will be covered.  I am expecting to only be out of work and school for 3 or 4 days and back to my marathon training within a couple of weeks.  I hope it doesn't put me too far behind.  I am trying to not get my hopes up but you all know that my dream is for this procedure to work miracles on my messed up body and that Skeet and I will be able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way or even with a simple IUI.  Dr. S is excited about the procedure but I am getting the impression that he still thinks we will have to do IVF.  I really wish we could prove him and Dr. D wrong.  So that's it... it's going to happen, just like I wanted.  I hope I don't regret it!!

Finally... some news

Yesterday I finally got the long awaited call from Dr. S.  I was able to ask him some questions that had been bugging me for the past couple weeks since my HIDA scan to check my gallbladder.  I will be seeing a general surgeon next week to double check the HIDA scan results (they looked okay but the pain I had during the scan might be cause for concern).  If I do in fact need to get my gallbladder taken out then we will probably wait until around spring break and do it then so that I don't have to miss as much school (the recovery time is much longer for this).  If the surgeon says that my gallbladder looks fine, then I will schedule a diagnostic laparoscopy with Dr. S as soon as possible.  During this procedure Dr. S will look for and "zap" any areas that are affected by endometriosis as well as perform the Ovarian Diathermy that I have been wanting for the past few months.  He seems confident that my insurance will cover most of the procedure if we do it this way.  I sure hope so.  I don't know what we would do if we got stuck with a medical bill of $7000.

In other news... (giggle).... I have decided to run a half marathon.  I have made this decision before and it never got very far but this time I feel a lot better about it.  I have been running on the treadmill a few times a week and am starting to get the hang of it.  As long as I can keep my shin splints under control I think I will be able to successfully train for and complete the 13 miles required.  I think my biggest motivation is losing some weight.  I know that Dr. S told me not to, but he doesn't know what I see when I look in the mirror... I can't live with myself looking this way.  I gained quite a bit over the holiday so my goal has gone from 10 pounds to 15 pounds.  I think I am going to add some tickers to my blog.  I think that if I have to hold myself accountable for the weightloss I will be better at eating right and taking care of myself. 

School has started up again and I am currently taking only 4 credit hours (one class).  I am also still volunteering at the hospital.  I believe that soon I will be able to change departments if I want to and I know I will be cutting back hours and going from 8 to 4 a week.  I am going back and forth on whether or not I should transfer over to Labor and Delivery.  I know it would be extremely hard for me to spend 4 hours a week around brand new babies and expectant mothers but I would have a better opportunity to watch someone doing ultrasounds in that department than the one I am in.  I don't know... we'll see. 

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and wish everyone the best in the New Year.  I hope some good things happen this year...

White Roses

Still haven't spoken with Dr. S... but I thought I should share this... a beautiful idea.

The White Roses
All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mothers. "See the works of my hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits." the garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. "Choose ye," He said. Now in the east corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one, the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue-eyed, curly haired one who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion." Yet another chose a brown-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, they whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthly home. Once again the loving Father spoke,"But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness; they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong with me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them." "No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I." said others. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives." The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in his eyes for someone to step forward. But there was only silence. Then He said, "See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked, and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?" A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will." Then another, and, "I as well," "Yes, we will Lord."

Soon all the pure white roses were taken, and they rejoiced in the choices of their mothers. The Father spoke again,"Oh, blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time." The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it
filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. The greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each mother who bore the weight of the White Rose, would feel the overwhelming love of God, as the all shouted, "Thy will be done."

The Latest

I was able to go in and talk to Dr. S yesterday about the surgery and some other things I needed to discuss with him. Earlier in the day his billing lady called and let me know that they did find a billing code for the diathermy and that as long as the insurance didn't request my records and see that I have been doing fertility treatments... they would probably cover the surgery. If they didn't however, I would have to pay $1000 to Dr. S and then the hospital charges which could probably be close to $6000 with everything. It's going to be a tough decision... do we take our chances, do the surgery, and hope that our insurance doesn't try to check up on why we are doing the surgery? Or do we wait until we have enough saved up to pay for the surgery out of pocket and if the insurance does pay then we will have that $7000 to put towards IVF??

I am having a test done on Monday to check to see if my gallbladder needs to come out. If it does then they might be able to do the surgeries at the same time and save me some costs if I do end up having to pay out of pocket. My only problem with that option is the time I will have to take off of work and school for the surgery. I don't really want to wait until May when I finish classes and things are slow at the office, but I also don't know how I feel about taking a week to ten days off of work and school to recover from surgery. Things aren't really falling into place, but I don't think I really expected them to. I did want answers and I do feel like I was able to get some. I just want a baby so bad. This time of year only makes that heartache worse, especially when I add it to the sadness of "celebrating" another Christmas without Avery.

She would be so much fun this year... starting to get an idea of what Christmas is all about. Running around with her cousins, making too much noise and having fun. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to picture it... her with her dark hair, running around with Ayden and Jacie, taking turns chasing each other. It would be such a great feeling to have a child participating in the fun. My greatest wish is that next year at Christmas, Skeet and I will have a child there to hold, to make plans for, and to share our love with. It would be an amazing feeling.

I am finished with my shopping and my wrapping, and I am ready for the day to come and go. I know my attitude is awful but I get to the point sometimes where I wonder if I can do it at all. I am not sure if I will get time to do another post before Christmas, so if I don't I just want to wish everyone out there a Very Merry Christmas. I hope that you are all able to spend time with your families and that you feel the true spirit of the season.