Thursday, April 30, 2009


So my finals are over... I had the last one today and I am so glad to be done with school for now!! I have about a month before my summer class starts. I also plan on volunteering at the hospital this summer!!
I also had my second ultrasound today. Everything looks good and my blood is in the mail so tomorrow I will find out what meds I will need to start. I am guessing they will start me on 2 or 3 Estrogen patches, changing them every 3 days. I hope Skeet is prepared for the emotional side of me to rear it's ugly head!!
2 weeks from today I will be getting pregnant!! How many people can say that? I'll update next week. Until then...

Saturday, April 25, 2009


One ultrasound down, 4 more to go! Everything looked great, except for my ovaries of course. Dr. Heath said I have typical Poly Cystic Ovaries but not all the typical symptoms. Most women with PCOS struggle with their weight ( well that's what he said in a round about way) and although I am not happy with my weight I do not have weight problems. Unfortunately, not being a typical PCOS patient means that the typical treatment doesn't work on me. I didn't say that to him but that's what I was thinking!
I start my estrogen pills tomorrow and I am still feeling like a human pin cushion. I am up to 14 pokes and that number is only going to get higher. More blood work on Thursday and another ultrasound ( all this on the same day as two of my finals, I'll be glad when that day is over). 19 more days... I wonder if Heavenly Father is getting sick of me praying for this to work?!?!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Update and tears

So I thought I would do a little update on my FET progression. I am currently doing a daily injection of Lupron. I will continue the Lupron until about a week before the transfer. The needle for the Lupron injection is tiny and goes into my thigh. If I do it right I can barely feel it at all. (I have plenty of fat padding in that area) Last night I took my last Aygestin pill (like birth control) and will be expecting Aunt Flow within the next couple of days.

On Friday I will send out my blood to Las Vegas and on Saturday I will be having my baseline ultrasound done with Dr. Heath ( Dr. Sanders is off this weekend). Then, on Sunday, I will begin my Estrace (Estrogen pills). I will be taking 2 pills 3 times a day. This will start the series of blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure my Estrogen levels are good and my lining is developing as it should be. I am sure within the next week or two I will start using Estrogen patches, the pills are never enough for me. By the time we did our last FET I was on 4 patches, changing them every 3 days. That was costing me about $80-$90 every 6 days because there are 8 patches in a package. Last time I also developed some awful rashes about 3 weeks into the patches so they put me on a vaginal form of Estrogen, which is much cheaper. I am hoping the rashes show up earlier this time and we can go the cheaper route sooner... I would even be open to Estrogen injections if it meant avoiding the itchiness!!

So that is where we are as far as the FET goes. We are down to 24 days I think and I get more and more nervous everyday. I think that the fact that I have finals next week is just adding to the nerves and anxiety, so hopefully after those are over (and I have aced them of course) I will be able to relax a little bit before the FET.

On a more depressing note... in church yesterday I sat behind a neighbor of mine who has an adorable little girl. I have a hard time even looking at this little girl though, mostly because she was born a few weeks after Avery. I remember coming home one day shortly after losing Avery and seeing the pink balloons all over their house, and thinking how unfair it was that they were able to celebrate the homecoming of their baby girl while I was still trying to deal with the fact that I had just buried mine. Now every time I look at this adorable little girl I can't help but imagine how my daughter would be if she had lived. Because they are so close in age I can picture about how big Avery would be and her skill level as well. I imagine she would have similar big blue eyes like this little girl but instead of the blond hair it would be dark or reddish. It was torture... I couldn't hold back the tears. The lesson wasn't really a sad one so I know I was probably the only one in the group with tears running down my face. Finally I had to get up and run to the restroom to finish my breakdown. Before we had Avery, when I would see cute little kid I would feel jealousy but I would smile, thinking that someday it would be me. Now it just tears me apart. I feel like I am missing out on so much and now I have no idea if I will ever have that. I hate being bitter but I can't help it sometimes...

Friday, April 17, 2009

Ode to Skeet

Today is my husband's birthday so I thought I would do a little post to honor him, my best friend, my husband and the father of my child.

Happy birthday baby! I love you more today than I ever thought I possibly could. I can't imagine my life without you. When we met I was sure that someday we would be married! I never thought it would be less than a year later but I am so glad we didn't wait. I also never thought that we would have to go through as much as we have together but I am glad it was all with you. I know we have a stronger marriage because of it. Thank you for taking care of me. For putting up with all of my crap. For keeping my "piggies" warm at night. For making me feel better with your awesome hugs. For always keeping it interesting. For keeping me on my toes. For supporting me through everything. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I am so lucky to have you. I look forward to years worth of birthdays together!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Moving on

Well I still don't know what the next year will bring. Will I have a baby? Will I be admitted to the Radiology program? My life is still up in the air. I had an interview today for the Radiology Program. I don't feel that it went very well. I am not a good at interviews as it is so I probably bombed really badly in that area. Also, I don't have any volunteering hours and I guess that is a big thing when they are trying to decide on who to admit to the program. I was hoping my 2 years experience in a medical office would help me out a little bit but I have a feeling it won't. I can't decide how I feel about not getting in this year. I think that if the FET works I won't be too upset about it because I will have a new baby to keep me plenty busy. Anyway, I won't find out until June or July if I got in so I am going to try to not think about it.

I am waiting to hear back about my blood work today and if all looks well (and if my meds get delivered today) I will start my Lupron injections tonight. I can't believe that one month from today I will be having my last two snowbabies transferred into my body. It is so crazy to think that in a little over a month... I could be pregnant!! Sometimes I wish I could see into the future, even for just a second so that I could know what to expect. Oh well...

Tomorrow night Skeet and I will be joining the majority of my family in St. George to see Foreigner in concert at Tuachan. Hopefully it's not too cold!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Avery's Birthday

I have been meaning to get these pictures from my parents for a long time. These are from Avery's birthday, October 13, 2008.

In this one you can see the two pink balloons pulling away from the others. I took this as a sign that Avery was with us that day.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

It's been 2 years

2 years ago today I received a phone call from a man that I have come to love and respect, Dr. Sanders. He had called to tell me, in a round about way, that I was finally pregnant! I look back on that day now and it seems like it was a hundred years ago. It's been 2 years and we still have no baby to hold but when you are a childless mother .... 2 years seems like an eternity. The emotions I felt on that day, I will never forget. Excitement, happiness, anxiousness... it was all there but mostly, I just couldn't believe it. I was finally going to have what I had prayed for-for so long . At that moment I had no idea, and would have never believed, what was to come. As I was calling Skeet to tell him the good news, never once did I think that 2 years down the road I would still be missing my little girl who we held only for a moment before we had to say goodbye.
I look back now and miss those days of ignorance. I miss being able to believe that something like losing a child would never happen to me. However, at the same time I am grateful for what I have learned and for how I have grown over the last 2 years. I still miss my baby girl as much as I did the day we said goodbye but I am such a stronger person because of it all.
Hopefully... just two months from now I will be getting a similar phone call from one of my doctors, giving me the same good news that I received 2 years ago today. I know that this time I will worry constantly that the outcome may be the same but I will also be so happy that I have been given another chance to be a mother on this earth.