Monday, April 20, 2009

Update and tears

So I thought I would do a little update on my FET progression. I am currently doing a daily injection of Lupron. I will continue the Lupron until about a week before the transfer. The needle for the Lupron injection is tiny and goes into my thigh. If I do it right I can barely feel it at all. (I have plenty of fat padding in that area) Last night I took my last Aygestin pill (like birth control) and will be expecting Aunt Flow within the next couple of days.

On Friday I will send out my blood to Las Vegas and on Saturday I will be having my baseline ultrasound done with Dr. Heath ( Dr. Sanders is off this weekend). Then, on Sunday, I will begin my Estrace (Estrogen pills). I will be taking 2 pills 3 times a day. This will start the series of blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure my Estrogen levels are good and my lining is developing as it should be. I am sure within the next week or two I will start using Estrogen patches, the pills are never enough for me. By the time we did our last FET I was on 4 patches, changing them every 3 days. That was costing me about $80-$90 every 6 days because there are 8 patches in a package. Last time I also developed some awful rashes about 3 weeks into the patches so they put me on a vaginal form of Estrogen, which is much cheaper. I am hoping the rashes show up earlier this time and we can go the cheaper route sooner... I would even be open to Estrogen injections if it meant avoiding the itchiness!!

So that is where we are as far as the FET goes. We are down to 24 days I think and I get more and more nervous everyday. I think that the fact that I have finals next week is just adding to the nerves and anxiety, so hopefully after those are over (and I have aced them of course) I will be able to relax a little bit before the FET.

On a more depressing note... in church yesterday I sat behind a neighbor of mine who has an adorable little girl. I have a hard time even looking at this little girl though, mostly because she was born a few weeks after Avery. I remember coming home one day shortly after losing Avery and seeing the pink balloons all over their house, and thinking how unfair it was that they were able to celebrate the homecoming of their baby girl while I was still trying to deal with the fact that I had just buried mine. Now every time I look at this adorable little girl I can't help but imagine how my daughter would be if she had lived. Because they are so close in age I can picture about how big Avery would be and her skill level as well. I imagine she would have similar big blue eyes like this little girl but instead of the blond hair it would be dark or reddish. It was torture... I couldn't hold back the tears. The lesson wasn't really a sad one so I know I was probably the only one in the group with tears running down my face. Finally I had to get up and run to the restroom to finish my breakdown. Before we had Avery, when I would see cute little kid I would feel jealousy but I would smile, thinking that someday it would be me. Now it just tears me apart. I feel like I am missing out on so much and now I have no idea if I will ever have that. I hate being bitter but I can't help it sometimes...

5 comments:

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

It is so hard at times to see little ones that would be the age of our angels...hard to watch them grow, smile, snuggle their moms, and play with their dads.
At times like that I just try to remind myself that one day I'll be raising Branson on the other side in a perfect world, and I imagine that other mothers who won't have that opportunity might look at us and think..."that's not fair"...not fair that they get to raise their child in a perfect world, not fair that they get to do it now and I don't, not fair that they have a little one and mine are all grown...just Natalie's philosophy, but it makes sense to me and it helps me through those tough, jealous, bitter moments.
I am praying that all the best will work out with your upcoming procedure.

Amy Jo said...

Thanks for updating us on the FET. I'm counting down the days with you. And so sorry you had to go thru those feelings at church. Just this weekend I was at the LPA conference and at times I would look around and wonder what Colleen would be doing had she lived. She'd be dancing with her LP friends and meeting boys I'm sure. Hang in there sister.

Jenny said...

Candi, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for you. I'm sure you're reminded of Avery at every turn. I am praying that your FET goes well. I like your friend Natalie's philosophy, I have never thought of it in that light.

Kate Glenn said...

Hey sweetie I am here if you need to talk or just get away. Im thinking of you always just thinking about the twins I dreamt about you having. Your so amazing lou I love you. Kate

Henrie Fam said...

Candi, if my prayers had any power at all, you would be pregnant already. I hope you know how many people are praying for everything to work out this time. What I do know is that Avery is still with you. That is one thing I felt so powerfully while writing her song -that she wanted you to know she was still near by and would do anything to ease some of your pain. I love you though I have never met you. Your honesty is amazing and it connects us all to your heart. I'll keep praying for a miracle.