Sunday, April 13, 2008
6 months ago today we said good bye to our daughter, our first child, our sweet little angel. The time has really flown but it seems like it has been ages since I held her in my arms. I feel so fortunate to have such beautiful photos that remind me of that bittersweet day. I have been inspired by Nate's beautiful videos that he has done over the past few months and I thought I would give it a try. I am sure they aren't even close to as good as his but I am really glad that I finished one. I searched for days for a song to use. Nothing I listened to seemed right, then one night as I was lying in bed watching CMT, this video came on and I was instantly in tears. It was perfect.
I have been thinking back again, trying to remember every detail of those days leading up to her birth, her birthday, and the days after. They make me sad in a way but I need to remember, to keep her memory alive. I need to have something to hold on to when my arms are aching for my baby girl.
A year ago today we were still reeling from the fact that we were finally expecting a baby. I don't think it had fully set in yet because I had not yet begun to show. I was, however, experiencing morning sickness at it's fullest. The morning sickness for me was worse that I thought it should have been, but then again I was still pregnant with 2 embryos at the time. It did seem to let up just a little bit after the surgery. Anyway, a year ago, I was filled with hope and the dreams of a sweet little addition to our family. My mind was consumed with nursery decor and possible baby names. I had never been happier in my life. I cannot believe what just a year can bring.
This letter was written about a month after Avery's birth...
My sweet Avery,
You were born into heaven in the early morning hours of October 13, 2007. For months I had prayed that we would be able to meet you, even if it were just for a moment. But, in my prayers the thing I asked for above all, is that you wouldn't have to suffer. Heavenly Father answered my prayers the day that you were born. He silently took you home, without our knowledge, before you would have to suffer any pain. I am so thankful for that and for the peace I felt immediately after you were born. I knew that you were happily resting in the arms of your Heavenly Father. You would never have to experience pain or the evils of this world, you would forever be the perfect little girl that I held in my arms that day.
As I watched you being passed around to the arms of those that love you, my heart swelled with pride. The beautiful little girl that everyone admired so was, and will always be, my daughter. I could see it in your daddy’s face too. He was very proud of his little girl. You looked so small and fragile in his strong arms, I know that you two would have had a very special relationship. It makes me so sad to think that your special bond with your daddy will have to wait until we meet again in heaven.
I can’t help but wish every day that you were still with us. I miss you so very much. I miss your little kicks and feeling that as long as you were with me you were safe. I long for the day when I can hold you on my lap and read to you again. Or sing you to sleep with our special song. Sometimes I feel you with me still, I know that you are watching over us from heaven. I look forward to the day that I can hold you in my arms again, but until then I will hold you in my heart.
I love you sweet girl, you were an answer to my prayers. You were the best gift I have ever been given. I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing us with such a beautiful and special daughter. Thank you, Avery, for choosing us to be your family. I will cherish the time I had with you, and look forward to the day we will meet again. Until then, just know that your daddy and I love you very much.
Love you forever,
I miss you Avery, my heart will not be whole until we are together again.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I have been thinking a lot about this blog. I do want to continue to write but was contemplating changing the title of the blog or starting a new one. This blog, when I first started it, was intended to keep everyone up to date on Avery's diagnosis and the status of things. So, even though I am no longer keeping you all up to date on her as much, I am going to leave the name and continue blogging here, to honor her. I don't think I am ready to let go yet.
So I hit a big milestone this last week. I held a newborn baby for the first time since I held Avery. I attended a baby shower and that was a big step for me just being there, but then I made myself hold the baby. I did fine, I didn't hold him very long because I didn't know how long I could keep my composure but at least I can say I finally did it. It only took me almost 6 months to get there but I did it. I did end up having to leave the shower really, really early because I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I really hope my friend isn't mad that I didn't even stay to eat but I didn't want to take the attention off her or her new baby in any way. I made up an excuse about Skeet wanting me home and jetted out of there pretty fast. At least I left a gift to make up for it right?
Another exciting thing that has happened recently, and I wasn't sure if I was going to post it but I can't keep it in anymore, is that we have a date for our frozen embryo transfer! I am excited and apprehensive at the same time, but I know that we need to try. There is a reason we were blessed with so many surviving embryos and I need to at least try. I think Skeet is more nervous than I am. He wouldn't admit it to anyone but I really think he is scared. I don't know if it is because he thinks we may get a repeat of our last pregnancy or if he is scared that I am going to get fat again but I can tell he is scared.
On a more somber note... I have been contacted lately by three women, I won't say names because I don't know if they want to go public, but they have all suffered and are in need of prayers. One lost her daughter to lethal skeletal dysplasia 15 years ago and is just now finding others to talk to that have been through something similar. One lost her daughter a couple of months ago to another lethal diagnosis and is struggling with her grief. And yet another that has just received the news from her doctors that one of the twin boys she is carrying most likely has a lethal skeletal dysplasia. Cat has posted the latter's story on her blog if you want to get the whole story. I don't know if any of these women read this blog but if they do I want them to know that I believe 100% that their beautiful little babies do have a purpose and they will see them again. My heart breaks for them but to know that 15 years down the road I can and will still love and miss Avery just as much as I do today gives me peace. I want these women to know that they are not alone. Even if sometimes it feels that way (as it has for me at times). Whether it is finding comfort in others who have been there, or asking for comfort from the Lord; you are never alone. I hope that you will find comfort in that. Please pray for them that they will have the comfort that they are in need of. Pray for the mother of the twin boys that things will not be as the doctors are saying they might be. I would not wish the pain of losing a child on anyone but I believe that good can come out of it. It all depends on how we react and how we use the trial in our life.
Prayers also for Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth as they are waiting on word of a possible set of new lungs for Tricia. Pray for the donor family as well.