Sunday, April 13, 2008

6 Months

6 months ago today we said good bye to our daughter, our first child, our sweet little angel. The time has really flown but it seems like it has been ages since I held her in my arms. I feel so fortunate to have such beautiful photos that remind me of that bittersweet day. I have been inspired by Nate's beautiful videos that he has done over the past few months and I thought I would give it a try. I am sure they aren't even close to as good as his but I am really glad that I finished one. I searched for days for a song to use. Nothing I listened to seemed right, then one night as I was lying in bed watching CMT, this video came on and I was instantly in tears. It was perfect.

I have been thinking back again, trying to remember every detail of those days leading up to her birth, her birthday, and the days after. They make me sad in a way but I need to remember, to keep her memory alive. I need to have something to hold on to when my arms are aching for my baby girl.

A year ago today we were still reeling from the fact that we were finally expecting a baby. I don't think it had fully set in yet because I had not yet begun to show. I was, however, experiencing morning sickness at it's fullest. The morning sickness for me was worse that I thought it should have been, but then again I was still pregnant with 2 embryos at the time. It did seem to let up just a little bit after the surgery. Anyway, a year ago, I was filled with hope and the dreams of a sweet little addition to our family. My mind was consumed with nursery decor and possible baby names. I had never been happier in my life. I cannot believe what just a year can bring.

This letter was written about a month after Avery's birth...

My sweet Avery,

You were born into heaven in the early morning hours of October 13, 2007. For months I had prayed that we would be able to meet you, even if it were just for a moment. But, in my prayers the thing I asked for above all, is that you wouldn't have to suffer. Heavenly Father answered my prayers the day that you were born. He silently took you home, without our knowledge, before you would have to suffer any pain. I am so thankful for that and for the peace I felt immediately after you were born. I knew that you were happily resting in the arms of your Heavenly Father. You would never have to experience pain or the evils of this world, you would forever be the perfect little girl that I held in my arms that day.
As I watched you being passed around to the arms of those that love you, my heart swelled with pride. The beautiful little girl that everyone admired so was, and will always be, my daughter. I could see it in your daddy’s face too. He was very proud of his little girl. You looked so small and fragile in his strong arms, I know that you two would have had a very special relationship. It makes me so sad to think that your special bond with your daddy will have to wait until we meet again in heaven.
I can’t help but wish every day that you were still with us. I miss you so very much. I miss your little kicks and feeling that as long as you were with me you were safe. I long for the day when I can hold you on my lap and read to you again. Or sing you to sleep with our special song. Sometimes I feel you with me still, I know that you are watching over us from heaven. I look forward to the day that I can hold you in my arms again, but until then I will hold you in my heart.
I love you sweet girl, you were an answer to my prayers. You were the best gift I have ever been given. I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing us with such a beautiful and special daughter. Thank you, Avery, for choosing us to be your family. I will cherish the time I had with you, and look forward to the day we will meet again. Until then, just know that your daddy and I love you very much.

Love you forever,
Your Mommy

I miss you Avery, my heart will not be whole until we are together again.


Clare Dungey said...

You're doing great Candi. Sometimes I find it amazing that we've both made it through this past six months but with God's love and strength we have and we're stronger than ever.

Love Clare xx

Amy Jo said...

Beautiful video, beautiful letter.

Jennifer said...


Lane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lane said...

Sorry, I wasn't done typing my other comment before I posted. This breaks my heart. You are so strong and inspirational to others. You left a comment on my post from yesterday (which was also not finished before I made it public, hah) but it was just my quick expression of frustration and a hard time. Now reading this, my bad days are minimal!

Charmaine said...

Thanks for sharing those very special moments with us,you courage and strength is inspirational.

Char and Little Leah

amanda said...

I found your blog through another blog, and I just want to comment on your beautiful tribute to your beautiful baby daughter. The song is so perfect, and your video and letter are very touching.

I'll remember you in my prayers.