Friday, October 30, 2009

Happily After Avery - Part 5

There was a crack in Avery’s spirit, “But I need Faith and Hope. Can’t I just remember them?”

“If this is your choice, I’m afraid not.”

Before the Fairy Godmother could continue, they heard a sharp yelp and saw a blast of pixie dust. When the dust settled, the group saw that Faith had used the heel from one of the Fairy Godmother’s glass slippers to slice the tip of her wing off.

“You’ve gotta have a little Faith. Take this with you,” and then Faith placed the wing tip in Avery’s palm and closed her fingers around it. Faith handed the glass to Hope who began to sob and looked a little frightened.

Avery giggled, “It’s okay Hope. You don’t have to do it. I know you love me.”

With a resolve Faith and Avery didn’t know she had, Hope sliced her wing.

“What’s a little Faith without a little Hope,” Hope placed her wing tip in Avery’s other palm.

Avery extended her hands forward and showed the Fairy Godmother her fists, “I have Faith and I have Hope and I believe I am supposed to be Skeet and Candi’s baby. It is my heart’s desire.”

With that, the Fairy Godmother began to chant and she waved her magic wand in quick circles. In a cloud of silver sparks and diamond dust, Avery disappeared.

Avery opened her eyes. She felt like she was living inside a cotton candy sky. It was warm and pink and purple. It was so comforting that she went back to sleep.

Time passed and life went on in Lilac Hollow. A few months later, the hollow was preparing for Faith’s birthday party. They were celebrating with the chocolate tarts Faith and Hope had discovered in the Festival City. The best thing about a pixie's birthday was the gift from her Fairy Godmother. Each pixie on her birthday was allowed to look into the Fairy Godmother’s crystal ball and choose one thing she would like to see.

Faith and Hope made the familiar flight to the Raspberry Cottage where their Fairy Godmother was waiting. “Happy Birthday Faith! I take it you are here for your viewing, and it looks like you have brought a friend.”

“Yes, I did and we’d like to see Avery.”

“I knew you would,” and the Fairy Godmother led them to a table where her crystal ball was waiting. They huddled around and the Fairy Godmother turned the ball until the girls could see the picture.

Candi and Skeet were in a white room and someone appeared to be rubbing a wand all over Candi’s stomach. “I don’t see her,” said Faith. The Fairy Godmother turned the ball again and they saw a machine with a black screen. “Look very closely!”

The screen came to life and, sure enough, there appeared to be a wingless pixie center stage. “Is that her?” asked Faith.

“Yes it is,” exclaimed Hope, “And, Fairy Godmother, you lied to us!”

“Whatever do you mean child?”

“She remembers us. Look at her hands. They are fists. She’s holding our wing tips. She’s holding onto Faith and Hope.”

With a warm smile the Fairy Godmother said, “Well, will you look at that.”

“She does look peaceful,” but still concerned Faith asked, “Will she be okay?”

“Oh, there will be challenges ahead. But let me ask you something. After you met Avery, how did you live?”

“Happily,” said Faith.

“Yeah, happily,” echoed Hope.

“Then so will Candi and Skeet. Because in the end, we all live happily after Avery.”

The End

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Happily After Avery - Part 4

Just then a great clap of thunder ripped through the sky. Hope woke with a start, "Faith, wake up! She's found us. She's sending a lightning bolt!"

Faith was wide awake as another clap of thunder rocked the sky. Avery grabbed her friends, "It's getting closer. We have to move away so no one gets hurt. Callie, thank you so much for your hospitality!"

The three girls buzzed to an open space, linked pinky fingers, and blew pixie dust into the sky. Thunder rolled and a great flash of light enveloped the pixies, and they began to move up through the lightning faster than they could ever hope to fly. When the lightning spit them out, they landed back in Lilac Hollow at the feet of a very angry Fairy Godmother.

"My crystal ball tells me you three visited the Festival City, made contact with a mortal child, and took up residence in the fur of a dog. Would you like to explain this trickery?"

"It was a Cotton Candy Expedition. We were chasing the cotton candy clouds and got lost. It was my idea, I'm to blame," said Avery.

Faith came to her defense, "No, I made snap dragon purses to carry the candy back. No one made me go."

"I told them not to go, " Hope grunted as Faith elbowed her in the ribs, "Okay! Fine, I was planning on eating a massive amount of cotton candy had we actually found it."

"Cotton Candy? You risked your lives for sweets? I know you are pixies but sugar is not worth your life. For the next two weeks, you are restricted to the Wizard's Library. At the end of the two weeks, you will report to me all the dangers of leaving the enchanted world," demanded the Fairy Godmother, "Now off to bed!"

Over the next two weeks, the girls studied hard preparing their reports. Avery came across a book buried deep int he tunnels of the library. She found it next to Merlin's biography. It was called, "Pixies to People." The book was about fairies who had become mortals. Faith had chastised her for spending all her time on one book, but Avery couldn't put it down.

Finally their punishment drew to a close. They headed to the Raspberry Cottage where their Fairy Godmother lived. The Fairy Godmother settled into her glass chair and called on Faith to begin.

Faith reported on the lack of belief in the mortal world. How, especially the mortals known as adults, lose the joy of Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the hollow's very own Tooth Fairy. She said she wouldn't want to live in such an unhappy, unbelieving world.

Hope talked about the flying machines she had seen on their quest. More specifically, she reported on Tahoes. She learned how they give off a nasty smoke called exhaust that is full of harmful chemicals. She had come to the conclusion that even though dragon slayers look incredibly sexy driving these machines, Hope wouldn't want to live in a place where people needed such machines to fly.

Then it was Avery's turn. She took a deep breath and began. "I love to fly. I love the Tooth Fairy; she gave me my very first pair of enamel shoes. But I learned there are mortals in the world who have so much love they create miniatures of themselves to share it with. I learned that mortals have golden beasts who guard them at all costs. I learned there is a Festival City with Green Shows and parades and street fairs. And, Faith, while most adults may not believe in Santa, they go to great lengths to ensure that their children believe as long as possible.

Fairy Godmother, I met the two most glamorous mortals in the world. They have riches beyond measure and all they want to do is share them with their own creation. I have so much happiness and I've never once thought about sharing it. Then I saw Candi's eyes and my heart burned and I wanted to give her all the happiness I have.

That's why I have found a way to share my happiness. I want you to make me Skeet and Candi's baby. I know it's possible, I read the book."

Faith and Hope's mouths dropped open in shock, Avery had been quiet since they returned to Lilac Hollow but hey had no idea what she was planning. A thoughtful Fairy Godmother said, "Avery, my dear sweet pixie, did you listen to Faith? Mortals don't always believe. And did you read the entire transfiguration chapter in your 'Pixies to People' book?"

"Yes, I did. I know the sacrifice, " said a confident Avery.

"Okay, then you know that magical species do not always crossover to the mortal world seamlessly. Sometimes there is physical pain. Sometimes the rest of the world laughs at your attempt to be mortal."

"I know. But I also know that no matter what happens to me, I get to keep my happiness if I want to. I can still give that gift no matter what," said Avery.

"Avery, what if THESE mortals don't believe? What if they give up on you?" cried Faith.

"They won't. They believe."

Hope asked, "How do you know?"

"I know because Skeet felt your pixie dust on his lips and Callie said that Candi has a warm touch. That means she has magic in her."

"Is this your true desire?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

An unwavering Avery smiled, "Yes, it is."

"You understand that you will lose all your magic and you can never come back. You won't remember any of us," said the Fairy Godmother very seriously.

** The end is near... I will be posting the last part of the story in a couple of days.**

Monday, October 26, 2009

Happily After Avery - Part 3

"Wow! A real dragon slayer's stallion," Hope circled the machine in awe, "Look! His name is Tahoe."

The pixies loaded in Tahoe and were lured to rest on Candi's magic ring. Then with a rumble, Tahoe was off. The girls were mesmerized by the shiny stone, it glittered with golds and blues and a touch of pink. For some reason, Avery decided to look up. This was the first time she noticed that Candi's eyes seemed to have a hint of sadness. Avery wondered how something so sweet could feel anything but joy. But there it was again, a flash of melancholy.

"Hope! You get back down here this instant," Faith yelled.

Avery turned her head just in time to see Hope trying to plant a kiss on Skeet and leaving quite the trail of pixie dust in her wake. "I'm serious Hope!" Faith was panicking, "If he inhales, you'll be living out your days in a dragon slayer's stomach!"

"Oh, puh-lease! And you two tell me I have no sense of adventure," huffed Hope and she flitted back towards the ring.

"Candi, do you have some chap stick?" asked Skeet, "All of a sudden, my lips feel like they are covered in sand."

"Now look what you did," said Faith.

Avery watched as Candi pulled some kind of lip potion from her purse. Skeet met her eyes as he took the magic tube. He saw the same despair that Avery did. "Candi, we will have a baby, I promise. We'll find a way."

"I know," said Candi softly. And Tahoe carried the group the rest of the way to the Village of Enoch in silence. When they arrived and Tahoe opened his massive doors, the pixies took one look outside and screamed in horror. There was some kind of golden monster running towards them at full speed. Skeet made no move for some kind of dragon slayer sword, so it looked like the girls would be attacked.

In a flash of fur, the monster lept into Candi's lap and buried his face in her chest. "Hello Callie! Did you miss us?" Candi asked as she scratched the monster's ears.

They all exited the Tahoe with Skeet and Candi heading toward their castle. The girls would have followed, but they were paralyzed with fear. They had locked eyes with Callie, The Golden Monster.

"Don't move and don't cry, Hope!" said Avery.

"Is it me or is that monster's tail moving faster and faster?" asked Faith.

"I don't know," said Avery, "It looks as if it might actually be smiling. I'm moving closer."

"Don't you dare," said Hope. But Avery was curious so she approached the beast. And then in one quick motion, the animal opened its mouth and lunged at Avery. Hope and Faith began to cry out in terror but then Callie's giant pink tongue licked Avery head-to-toe. "Ugh! I'm all slimy!" Avery complained.

"Welcome to Enoch. I'm Callie. What is all the screaming about? Haven't you all seen a golden retriever before?"

"A golden retriever?" Hope was excited now, "Do you steal the dragon's gold while the mighty Skeet battles the dragon to the death?"

Callie looked puzzled, "What?"

"Don't mind her," said Faith, "It's nice to meet you Callie. We are pixies from Lilac Hollow. My name is Faith and this is Avery and the crazy one is Hope. We were on a Cotton Candy Expedition and lost our way. Any chance you could tell us how to get back?"

"Lilac Hollow, you say? Hmmmmm. I know Parowan, Bryce Canyon, even the City of Sin but I can't say I'm familiar with your hollow," said Callie.

Discouraged Faith continued, "We're very tired, it's been quite an adventure. Would you mind if we shared your fur for a nap? We'll get some sleep and try to find our way tomorrow."

"I'd love the company," said Callie as she lowered her head and the three girls snuggled into some of the softest gold fur they had ever felt. Hope and Faith drifted off immediately, but Avery was restless. "Callie, are you asleep?"

"Not yet. I like to wait for the lights to go out in the house before I sleep."

"Tell me about Candi, I think she is the sweetest. Why does she seem a bit sad?"

Callie sighed. "She wants a baby to share all that sweetness with. They haven't found one yet."

Avery was confused, "But they have you and a flying machine and a castle. What more do they need?"

"Yes, they have a lot. But they want to share all of those things with a child. Share their stories, their life. Leave a legacy behind."

Avery thought this was one of the most beautiful things she had ever heard. Goblins in the hollow had great fortunes, but they never shared. They never even enjoyed it themselves, spent all their time guarding it and hiding it. Witches were always trying to steal everyone else's treasures, but for themselves, not for anyone else. Here were these to mortals in the far away Village of Enoch who wanted someone else to enjoy their riches. Avery thought that was a miracle. "Callie, do you love them?"

"With all my heart, Avery! They feed me, play with me, and cuddle me when I'm sad. Candi has the softest touch that makes me feel warm all over. And Skeet sneaks me treats when he thinks Candi isn't looking. I'm lucky to have them. I would do anything for them. I'm the luckiest golden retriever in the Festival City!"

** Some of you have asked if I wrote this story. I wish I were this creative!! No, an amazing friend of mine wrote this story for me soon after we found out that there was something wrong with our baby and that she might not make it. I had emailed her after I started the blog to let her know what was going on and within a few days I received a package in the mail with this story (adorably bound and illustrated) and a necklace, which I will tell you about later. I am so blessed to have some amazing friends that have given me so much. Thanks Myn!! You are the best!**

Friday, October 23, 2009

Happily After Avery - Part 2

Hope began to sniffle again and sensing another pixie breakdown, Avery acted fast, "Look! A new story is about to begin. Let's go watch the puppets and then we'll figure this all out." The girls flew to the stage and rested on a rock, ready for the show. Just then a couple of blond pigtails came bounding toward them. The small girl had topaz eyes and a smile that would make a wizard blush.

"Can I have you? Can I put you in my pocket?"

Avery, feeling protective, flew right to the eye level of the girl and exclaimed, "Of course not! If you touch us, our fairy godmother will turn you into a toad!"

Just as Avery was about to spit pixie dust in the child's eye, Faith realized, "You see us! You believe! Oh, sweet child, could you please tell us where we are?"

With a giggle the girl said, "How silly, you are in the Festival City of course!"

Hope's eyes grew bright, "Ooooo. The Festival City. It sounds positively enchanted."

Amused by the fairies, the girl spun her story, "My name is Abbie and I'm six years old. I live on Leigh Hill in a castle!"

"Abbie, are you a princess? Is this your party?" Faith was concerned; she was not dressed to meet royalty.

"Well, my dad is always saying, 'Abbie, quit acting like a princess.' So, I don't think I am. And this is called The Green Show. Soon my grandma will take me home to bed and all the people will move over to the big stage. They will do grown up plays, trust me, it's not fun. You can't understand a word they are saying."

Just as Abbie was finishing, there came a shrieking, "Abbie! Abbie! Where have you been?" Some frantic woman carrying a giant bag swooped down and took Abbie's hand. "Quit talking to this rock, it is not alive. come and join your brother for the puppet show!"

"Wait! We have more questions," Avery called, but it was too late, this crazy woman dragged Abbie away. As her pigtails bounced, Abbie turned and waved goodbye to the pixies.

"The Green Show in The Festival City. I never knew such a place existed. It is so exciting with all the sweets and dancing and adventure!" Avery was definitely taken with the scene.

"It's all grand but I have a feeling we are a long way from the hollow. We need a plan," Faith, always the voice of reason, said.

The girls prepared to link pinkies and tap into their senses again when they heard a great yell. A booming, commanding voice filled the air and it said, "Candy!" The pixie heads all bobbed up at once and they heard it again, "Candy!"

Then they saw him. He was more handsome than any sailor the mermaids had ever seduced. He had hair the color of autumn in the hollow and he was looking for candy! "Candy!" He called out looking right and left. So, the girls did what all pixies do when there is the promise of something sweet.... they chased him!

"He looks strong. Do you think he's a warlock?" asked Faith. "What kind of candy do you think he lost? I hope it's strawberry flavored," wished Hope.

"Candi, where are you?"

"Here I am Skeet! I'm on the hill, over here!" said the most lilting voice Avery had ever heard. "There you are Candi," said the man as he wrapped her up in his warlock, strong arms. When he stepped back the pixies were entranced. This was his candy? It was no wonder; she was the sweetest thing the girls had ever seen. She had hair like black licorice, skin like buttercream frosting, and lips like cherry sours. She was delicious.

"Did you enjoy the show?" Skeet asked. "Yes, but I'm tired and ready to head home," Candi replied.

"Yea, I've got a fire to fight tomorrow anyway," answered Skeet.

Hope about lost her pixie dust! "Did you hear that? He fights fires! He must be a dragon slayer! I've only read about them, I've never seen one." In fact, Hope had read about every single one in Dragon Beat Magazine. "Oh, I think I'm in love!"

Candi and Skeet began to make their way out of the celebration. The pixies were at a loss. Follow the dragon slayer and his candy or stay at this whimsical party? Just then Candi took her left hand and brushed her raven hair from her face, and that's when they saw it. She was wearing some kind of magical stone on her finger. So, they did what all pixies do when they see something sparkly.... they chased it!

They followed the couple to the biggest, shiniest, mortal flying machine they had ever seen.

** Just so this makes a little bit more sense to those of you who don't live nearby... the town we live in hosts a huge Shakespearean Festival every Summer and Fall. Before the plays begin at night they hold a free green show with puppets, treats, singing, and mini plays on the University campus. It's something our town is famous for. Because of this, our town calls itself the Festival City. Also, Leigh Hill is a part of town where a lot of the more "well off" people live. We don't live there!!! **

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Happily After Avery - Part 1

Pixies are easily seduced by a sunset, and do you know why? They love sweets. And right at that moment before the sun drifts to sleep, the sky blushes a beautiful pale pink, the clouds look like mounds of cotton candy with sparks of lavender - which to a pixie means there is grape soda near.

This is where our story begins.

Once up on a cotton candy sky, three mischievous pixies were chasing sugary clouds. Faith, Hope and Avery were the furthest they had ever been from Lilac Hollow, but they pressed on desperate for their lifetime supply of cotton candy.

Avery was the brave one and the leader of the Cotton Candy Expedition. She pushed forward with all her pixie dust, "Hope! Faith! Keep up, we're getting closer."

"I don't know Avery, there doesn't seem to be any candy up here," replied Faith, "I'm getting tired." Faith was always the rationale one and also the brains of the operation. She had hallowed out snap dragons and each pixie was going to fill their snap dragon full of the bright pink cotton candy of the sky.

"For the record, I only came along on this trip to keep you two out of trouble," the conservative Hope decided to chime in, "Our Fairy Godmother is going to be so mad at you two if we don't get back soon."

It wasn't long before all the pink had drained from the sky and was replaced by an inky black that made it very difficult to see. Avery stopped on a very ordinary white cloud and called to her friends, "I hearby call a Cotton Candy Expedition conference!"

Hope and Faith caught up to Avery and rested their wings on the same tasteless cloud. "I don't understand," said Avery, "It was right here. I saw the cotton candy with my own eyes!"

"We all did Avery, and it's up here somewhere. But we've got bigger problems unless you were keeping track of how to get back to Lilac Hollow. I seriously doubt that though, since you were flying like a witch on a broomstick," exclaimed Faith.

Hope began to cry and her wings shivered, "What if we never get back? What if we're stuck in this boring cloud forever?"

Avery replied, "Calm down, Hope. Let's use our senses. Close your eyes and concentrate Hope, then tell me what you feel. Faith take a deep breath and tell me what you hear, and I'll try to figure out what I smell."

The girls locked pinkie fingers and conjured up all their pixie magic. Hope spoke first, "I feel some sort of intense joy and happiness. It's like some sort of celebration."

Faith was next, "And I hear music and laughter and, wait a minute, yes, I hear applause."

Then, so excited she could barely contain herself, Avery exclaimed, "I smell TARTS! Berry tarts and lemon tarts with buttery crust."

Their pointed pixie ears directed them to the South were they saw lights that seemed to explode like fireworks. So, they did what all pixies do when something glitters.... they chased it!

As they got closer, the lights took shape. There were great structures that the girls had never seen. The people didn't have wings so they flew in big machines that made angry noises and seemed to be ruled by three lights hanging in the sky. With everything around them, there were great distractions, but the girls followed their senses. They did, in fact, fly directly into some marvelous celebration.

There were men dancing jigs and maidens carrying on around a May Pole, and there were storytellers weaving their tales with puppets and song. And, of course, there were treats. Beautiful girls wore flowers in their hair and carried baskets of tarts, lollipops, chocolates, and ice cream through the crowd. The pixies had forgotten all about their quest for a lifetime supply of cotton candy.

Hope buzzed right up to the ear of the woman with a basket of chocolate tarts. "Excuse me, could you tell me where we are? Oh my, can I please taste your chocolate?"

Much to Hope's surprise, the woman completely ignored her. She didn't understand. Pixies were the cutest most charming creatures in the hollow, no one could refuse them, except their Fairy Godmother.

Seeing Hope's failure and craving a butterscotch truffle, Avery buzzed a different vendor, "One truffle please.... and directions back to Lilac Hollow." This woman actually brushed Avery away like she was some sort of annoying bumblebee.

Faith laughed so hard she almost fell into a passerby's cup of sweet tea. "It's no use! If either of you had taken the time to read 'Outside the Enchanted World', you would know these are mortals. They don't believe, so they can't see or hear us. Most of these fools don't even believe in Santa Clause, which is fine my him, fewer houses to worry about."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today we honor all those little babies too beautiful for this earth. There are so many mothers out there that are remembering their babies today. Please say a prayer for them and if you know one, let them know that you acknowledge their baby/babies and that you care.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wink Fotos by Emily Clark

I just love Emily! She is an amazing photographer and the cutest, sweetest lady ever!!! She just did a spotlight on her Mommy Models blog of our story, if you have time you should check it out. She is so incredibly talented. Skeet and I don't have a lot of pictures together and I think these turned out great!!
Avery's birthday was bittersweet. We did a balloon release in her memory at the cemetery and then had a small family dinner afterwards. I cried most of the day but I am sure that is to be expected... I only have a huge headache now because of it! I also listened to Avery's song over and over again all day... I seriously love it! I can't thank Mari and Becky enough for it. Thank you to everyone who left comments here and on my facebook account. It means so much to me that you would remember Avery. I am so blessed to have you all in my life.
When I found out that Avery had a skeletal dysplasia, an amazing friend of mine sent me a gift that I will treasure forever. She wrote a beautiful story for Avery and I have been wanting to share it on my blog for a while now. I had hoped, throughout my pregnancy, that I would be able to read the story to Avery someday. Unfortunately she left us before I was able to. So the day after we laid her to rest I went out to the cemetery and read the story out loud. I decided that it would become a tradition so that was one of the things I did yesterday. I went to the cemetery, lit a candle for Avery, and read her the story. Over the next few days I will be posting parts of the story. It is a few pages long so I won't post it all at once but I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. I will start posting tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Avery


Happy Birthday sweetie. I can't believe that it has been two years. I miss you just as much today as I did the day you left us. I can still almost feel your tiny little body in my arms. I wish so badly that I didn't have to let you go but I will always be grateful to be your mom. Although the feelings are still so fresh, it seems like forever since we said goodbye and an eternity until we will see each other again.

I still think of you every day and I can't help but wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. I can only imagine how incredibly adorable you would be and how in love with you your daddy and I would be. Our lives are changed forever because of you but I still long for the life we would have had with you.

When I say my prayers at night I still thank my Heavenly Father for sending you to me and I pray that I can be a person that you would be proud to call mommy. I long for the day when I will hear you call me mommy and let me hold you in my arms again.

I hope that you can hear me when I tell you that I love you and I miss you. I hope that you know how much you mean to me and how my life will never be the same. You are my first born, my little girl and you always will be.

My heart hurts everyday that passes without you here. I know that someday it will not be that way, and that it will get better, but I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you. Every year on this day we will do something to honor your beautiful memory and I know that you will be with us while we do. We miss you so much sweetie. You are the most beautiful, wonderful thing that has ever happened to us and we will never regret our decision to do whatever it took to have you.

I promise that when your brother(s) and/or sister(s) join our family, we will make sure that they know all about you and I know that they will love you as much as we do. If you are with them now, please tell them that we are ready for them.

I love you Avery and I miss you so much it hurts. You are my pride and joy, and my reason for being on this earth. I look forward to the day I will hold you again, and until then sweet baby girl, you will be in my thoughts and in my heart.

Love you always,
Your mommy.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Good things

Two good things happened today... I was able to drop my chemistry class and lab, and Skeet told me that he canceled his trip next week so he will be here for Avery's birthday.
I feel so relieved on both counts! Now we can celebrate her birthday on her birthday and because I don't have 3 hours of homework every night, I now have time to plan something special for her birthday.

The amount of stress that the chemistry class was putting on me was getting to be way too much. I studied more for that class than I ever have for any class and I still did awful on the first test. I don't need chemistry for the radiology program so I decided I would rather drop the class than chance getting a bad grade and having my GPA go down. I will have two "W"s on my transcript, but I checked with Weber and they said that it shouldn't count against me when it comes time for them to make their decision. I feel like celebrating!! I honestly don't know how to act now that I don't have all that homework ahead of me!

I think that now is the time for me to start running. I want to train to do a half marathon. I need to research and find out when the next one is (hopefully in the spring) so that I have a goal to work towards. I would love to lose 10 pounds too so hopefully that will come with the running.

I have my next counseling appointment on Friday so I will try to update again then.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Fall is in the air

Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I loved the leaves turning and the crispness of the air. It was the last few perfect days before the snow and cold came. I loved Halloween, pumpkins and candy corn (well I will always love candy corn!). However, now when I feel the first hints of fall in the air it takes me back to this time 2 years ago. I get flashbacks of what I was doing in those days leading up to Avery's birth and burial. Of going store to store with my mom trying to find the perfect burial dress for my sweet baby. Not having any idea that she would be arriving in a little over a week's time. Finding a dress that I loved but the smallest dress we could find was 0-3 month size and I knew even if she made it full term, it would drown her. I bought it anyway thinking that we could pin it if we needed to, to make it fit. I ended up taking that dress back when she came so early and was so tiny. The dress that her grandma and aunt made for her was so much better anyway. It was perfect.

Then, I start getting flashbacks of the day that she was born; visiting the pediatrician, packing my hospital bag - just in case, and heading to the hospital to find out if I was leaking amniotic fluid. Of course there is the day I left that hospital empty handed, it was a beautiful day and my heart was completely shattered. It comes back to me so clear, like it just happened last week.
As it gets cooler I remember the day we buried Avery. Sitting there in front of a tiny little casket engraved with daisies, shaking violently because of either the 103 degree fever I was running or because I was crying harder than I ever had in my life. My body was so swollen that I couldn't find anything to wear to her burial service and that made me cry too. My feet couldn't fit into any of my shoes so I arrived in flip-flops and it was freezing outside.

Yep, fall has been ruined for me. I don't know if I will ever feel the way I used to about this time of year. Then again, most holidays will never be the same for me either. I will always be thinking about who is missing when we get together as a family. Or how big she would be and what her personality would be like. I wonder if she would have my dark hair or her daddy's red hair. I think about what we would have dressed her up as for Halloween and how we would have took her around to visit her grandparents and great-grandparents.

Last night at the support group I attend, I found out that I am not the only one that feels this way and that makes me feel better. I feel now, like this is a normal thing to go through when you have had a child die. I hope that someday we will have a child (or children) to dress-up, to take to family gatherings, to watch them play with their cousins, to experience all of the things that we are so painfully missing out on right now. As Avery's birthday approaches I can't help but be sad, and feel a little bit bad for myself, but I think that's okay.