Friday, October 2, 2009

Fall is in the air

Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I loved the leaves turning and the crispness of the air. It was the last few perfect days before the snow and cold came. I loved Halloween, pumpkins and candy corn (well I will always love candy corn!). However, now when I feel the first hints of fall in the air it takes me back to this time 2 years ago. I get flashbacks of what I was doing in those days leading up to Avery's birth and burial. Of going store to store with my mom trying to find the perfect burial dress for my sweet baby. Not having any idea that she would be arriving in a little over a week's time. Finding a dress that I loved but the smallest dress we could find was 0-3 month size and I knew even if she made it full term, it would drown her. I bought it anyway thinking that we could pin it if we needed to, to make it fit. I ended up taking that dress back when she came so early and was so tiny. The dress that her grandma and aunt made for her was so much better anyway. It was perfect.

Then, I start getting flashbacks of the day that she was born; visiting the pediatrician, packing my hospital bag - just in case, and heading to the hospital to find out if I was leaking amniotic fluid. Of course there is the day I left that hospital empty handed, it was a beautiful day and my heart was completely shattered. It comes back to me so clear, like it just happened last week.
As it gets cooler I remember the day we buried Avery. Sitting there in front of a tiny little casket engraved with daisies, shaking violently because of either the 103 degree fever I was running or because I was crying harder than I ever had in my life. My body was so swollen that I couldn't find anything to wear to her burial service and that made me cry too. My feet couldn't fit into any of my shoes so I arrived in flip-flops and it was freezing outside.

Yep, fall has been ruined for me. I don't know if I will ever feel the way I used to about this time of year. Then again, most holidays will never be the same for me either. I will always be thinking about who is missing when we get together as a family. Or how big she would be and what her personality would be like. I wonder if she would have my dark hair or her daddy's red hair. I think about what we would have dressed her up as for Halloween and how we would have took her around to visit her grandparents and great-grandparents.

Last night at the support group I attend, I found out that I am not the only one that feels this way and that makes me feel better. I feel now, like this is a normal thing to go through when you have had a child die. I hope that someday we will have a child (or children) to dress-up, to take to family gatherings, to watch them play with their cousins, to experience all of the things that we are so painfully missing out on right now. As Avery's birthday approaches I can't help but be sad, and feel a little bit bad for myself, but I think that's okay.


Anonymous said...

Candi, *hugs* I can only the hurt you are feeling. I will pray for peace and healing for you as Avery's birthday nears.

Amy Jo said...

Of course it's okay to feel that way. You have been thru alot and it's normal for you to have those feelings. I'll be thinking of you and Skeet as Avery's second birthday comes. Sending you hugs and peaceful wishes.

Lindsay-Weaver said...

I can only imagine the crushing pain you must have felt then and must still feel. I know that you'll always miss Avery, but I hope that you get the opportunity to raise another child and that eventually you're able to enjoy this time of year and begin to enjoy this beautiful season again. Those dates will forever be a day of remembrance, I'm sure.

The Schexnayders said...

Candi I feel the same way. I have been thinking about Avery and that day ever since the leaves started changing. Its hard for me to get through Aydens birthday without thinking of Avery and how old she would be, what she would look like and how much pain you are feeling. I wish I could give you all of that back but I cant. Im sure one day you will be able to enjoy the season again.

Miche said...

Oh honey! We could have written this very same post. You are farther out of course but you are right on so many levels. It's hard. The flashbacks are hard in fact I just wrote about it last week in a post titled Slivers of Time.

Recently on the He Will Carry Me blog she talked about how grief is such a sensory experience. Smells, seasons, etc. bring the memories of our little ones flooding back. It's so hard but we will all get through it together.

Thinking of you...