Friday, December 18, 2009

The Latest

I was able to go in and talk to Dr. S yesterday about the surgery and some other things I needed to discuss with him. Earlier in the day his billing lady called and let me know that they did find a billing code for the diathermy and that as long as the insurance didn't request my records and see that I have been doing fertility treatments... they would probably cover the surgery. If they didn't however, I would have to pay $1000 to Dr. S and then the hospital charges which could probably be close to $6000 with everything. It's going to be a tough decision... do we take our chances, do the surgery, and hope that our insurance doesn't try to check up on why we are doing the surgery? Or do we wait until we have enough saved up to pay for the surgery out of pocket and if the insurance does pay then we will have that $7000 to put towards IVF??

I am having a test done on Monday to check to see if my gallbladder needs to come out. If it does then they might be able to do the surgeries at the same time and save me some costs if I do end up having to pay out of pocket. My only problem with that option is the time I will have to take off of work and school for the surgery. I don't really want to wait until May when I finish classes and things are slow at the office, but I also don't know how I feel about taking a week to ten days off of work and school to recover from surgery. Things aren't really falling into place, but I don't think I really expected them to. I did want answers and I do feel like I was able to get some. I just want a baby so bad. This time of year only makes that heartache worse, especially when I add it to the sadness of "celebrating" another Christmas without Avery.

She would be so much fun this year... starting to get an idea of what Christmas is all about. Running around with her cousins, making too much noise and having fun. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to picture it... her with her dark hair, running around with Ayden and Jacie, taking turns chasing each other. It would be such a great feeling to have a child participating in the fun. My greatest wish is that next year at Christmas, Skeet and I will have a child there to hold, to make plans for, and to share our love with. It would be an amazing feeling.

I am finished with my shopping and my wrapping, and I am ready for the day to come and go. I know my attitude is awful but I get to the point sometimes where I wonder if I can do it at all. I am not sure if I will get time to do another post before Christmas, so if I don't I just want to wish everyone out there a Very Merry Christmas. I hope that you are all able to spend time with your families and that you feel the true spirit of the season.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


I don't understand it. Why, when it comes to us trying to have a family, does nothing go right?? I have been so very excited about this procedure that I found. I have been feeling hopeful again for the first time in a long time and then today.... it's like someone punched me in the gut and took all the happiness and hope I had built up, away from me.

This morning at my shift at the hospital I saw Dr. S's truck and knew he was probably inside delivering a baby. So I watched for him and when he was leaving I chased him down to try to get an update. From the look on my face he could tell that his nurse hadn't called me yet. He went on to inform me that my insurance is not going to cover the procedure. It is so frustrating. I asked him how much it would cost if we paid for it and he said that it's not his charges I need to worry about, but the hospital and OR charges. Not to mention the anesthesia. He is going to have someone find out the cost, but who am I kidding? We can't afford to pay for a surgery out of pocket.

I had begun to let myself believe that there might be an answer out there for us. That we might actually be able to have a baby of our own but without this surgery, and the money to do IVF again, it just doesn't seem possible. I am so sad today... I feel like after taking two steps forward, I have taken ten steps back. I don't know what to do or how to feel now. I had hoped that Christmas might be bearable this year but it's not looking good. Skeet's grandma passed away yesterday, and even though we know she is much happier now, we are still so sad to not have her with us anymore. At least I know that Avery has her great-grandma with her now and grandma Houston is reunited with her husband.

Is there such thing as a break? Am I ever going to get one? **Sigh**