Monday, May 25, 2009

Struggling

Thank you all for your kinds words and thoughts. This has been very difficult for me. The morning of our test I was so sure that the test would be positive. My breasts were becoming more swollen and sore by the day and I had so many food aversions. When we got home I went out to clean Avery's headstone and that is when I got the call from Dr. D. He said that my numbers were going down. They had done a pregnancy test on Tuesday when I had sent my blood to Vegas and that pregnancy test came back positive (the HCG level was 10, anything over 5 is positive). He said he was very hopeful but then our second HCG level came back as an 8. He told me to stop all of my injections and pills and just allow the miscarriage to progress. As of today I have not seen any bleeding but am having stronger cramping. I am still having many pregnancy symptoms too so I am guessing my numbers are still trying to go down. I will do another blood test on Wednesday to check the numbers. I am hoping that things progress normally and I don't have to have any kind of medical intervention.
I am not going to lie, I am depressed, I am bitter and I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, I am not really ready to face anyone. I just don't understand why this keeps happening to us. I may never know why. So for now I will just try to deal with it the best I can.

17 comments:

Tiffany said...

I am so very sorry. The fertility world is so very hard, its the worst emotional rollercoaster anyone could ever imagine. I wish you peace and move to the next step in your journey when you are ready.

Jennifer said...

Sending my love and prayers. I'm so sorry.

The Schexnayders said...

Hey Candi. I understand about you not wanting to talk. Give me a call when you feel up to it. I will do anything if you are in need... please let me know. Im still praying for you and I love you. Im so sorry

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I don't blame you for not wanting to face the world right now. This is so heartbreaking and I wish we had answers to WHY this happens to such deserving people. But even if we knew, it would still hurt. Hugs. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry.

Praying for you and your sweet little family.

Jenny said...

I too was hoping for good news. I am at a loss for words, but will still be praying for you to receive comfort. I am sorry.

Amy Jo said...

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. Although it's hard to understand right now, I am sure that God has a plan for you. I pray for your comfort and peace during this difficult time.

threescore said...

Oh Candi. I wish I could make things better. I wish I could change the way things are. We have never met, but your bravery and honesty have touched me deeply. I prayed and prayed that this time you would have the child you long for. I don't have answers.

I do have sorrow and anger, but - like each of us who read your story - I am only allowed to feel a small part of your pain. I pray that you will have time to grieve. I pray that your body will heal quickly and that you will be free of further difficult emotional times. I pray that you and your husband will be able to grow closer in all this. I pray that children and babies you see around you will fill you with joy and not pain. (I know this is so difficult.) I pray that - in God's time and with all the grace prepared for it - your precious gift will come home to you.

Your passion is not wasted. Your love is not lost. Your hope, so mocked and scarred by events, is actually in Someone far greater than us and Someone who alone understands the mess and pain and confusion you feel. He holds you close, and he already holds the future.

God bless you both, Lucy (UK)

Inklings said...

My heart goes out to you and Skeet. I am still praying for you both and hope you will receive comfort and understanding.

Tonya said...

Candi, I love you!!

Anonymous said...

I am really, really sorry. I have been praying for you and wishing with all of my heart that this would be it. It's not fair.

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Candi
I am so sorry to hear the unfortunate news. It just doesn't seem fair that you would have to go through this again...it just stinks that life isn't fair too often. Please know you will be in our thoughts and prayers. We love you.
Natalie

Linds said...

I am so so sorry for the both of you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and understand that at this point in time talking to people is the last thing you want to do because no one understands what you are going through..I don't know what is in store for you guys but you will be parents someday..Believe in yourself and trust in God...I just wanted to let you know that me and Nate are thinking of you. No one deserves to go through what you two have gone through....I'm thinking of you!

How Life Is Measured said...

Candi,
I'm so sorry. I wish I could say the right thing to make you feel better. I am thinking about you.
Cat

Liz - Jess said...

We love you and are praying for you and Skeet! :-)

Byron said...

So sorry to hear then news. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

BRYAN'S YAYA said...

Thinking of you, and praying for you. I am so very sorry.

Candi