Friday, December 7, 2007

Does this mean I have to move on?

Well today is the day, the day that we were first told to expect our baby to arrive. For months this date was my answer to the question "When are you due?". 8 weeks have passed since the 3rd time I was admitted to the hospital when moments later my water broke. 8 weeks have passed since that long night of waiting, wondering and anticipating the arrival of my daughter. And, tomorrow morning between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m., 8 weeks will have passed since my beautiful little girl left her body behind and went home. 8 weeks ago today I still thought I had 8 weeks left to spend with my angel.
This whole week has been a emotional roller coaster ride. I go from being happy that I am her mom to crying because it wasn't supposed to be this way. For some reason now I think more of the nursery that never was and the cute little clothes that will never be bought. I think of the happy Christmas that could have been, celebrating the arrival of a new little one. The gifts that might have been wrapped knowing that she would be too young to understand this year but would have more fun next year. Now I can't help but only notice who is missing when the family comes together for dinners and gatherings. I think of how lonely Christmas will seem this year without that special little soul even though a year ago we had no idea she would even be. It is so strange to me that last year at this time we had no idea that the only way we would be able to have a baby was through In Vitro. We had no clue that we would be pregnant within 3 months, or that 32 weeks later we would have to bury that precious child that we longed for- for so long.
If I could have had my way this year, Christmas would have just been skipped. I don't feel like I am strong enough to get through the holidays this year. I don't know how to just go on with life without her anymore. I did so well for so long but I feel like I am losing my composure and don't know how I will make it from one day to the next. I am sure it does not help that I ran out of anti-depressants and have yet to get them refilled. The numbness that they give me has worn off and now all I can think of is how badly I want that little girl back in my arms. And I can't help but wonder if everyone will expect me to be better now that her due date has passed. I hate to disappoint anyone who is thinking that because it is going to take a lot longer than 8 weeks!
I received a delivery of beautiful flowers today, roses from my loving husband, and a Christmas arrangement from my parents and sister. They are so pretty and smell so good but I can't look at them. They are sitting on my desk and even when I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye it starts the water works again. I can't seem to stop today and hate that I have to be here at work when my heart is breaking and nothing else seems to matter. But I know I will make it through the day and into Skeet's arms, which is the only place for me right now. If I can't hold her, I need someone to hold me. I am sorry for the somber tone of this post but I needed to get it out.
I love you all and I appreciate your kind words and support!

11 comments:

Di said...

Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to talk about Avery. It is when we bottle things up that things get bad. Remember that there is a loving God who holds you in His arms too. Don't forget to talk to Him. Don't forget to talk to Clare and Andy. Don't forget that there are lots of people all over the world who read your blog who are praying for you. Take care. Love Di

Anonymous said...

I have not lost a child but I lost my mother 7 years ago before either of my children were born. I have asked myself time and time again why couldn't my mother be here to see and play with them. But I have to remind myself that is God's business. Not that He does not love me because He does. And no the pain for me has not gotten easier I have learned to lean on God. You take all the time you need to miss your baby. Remember, that as much as you love her God loves you just that much more. He knows your pain and hurt even if you never voice it. He knows.... tell Him, talk to Him.

Tonya said...

Candi!

The heartbreak your feeling is natural. I can't say I understand, but know Avery was a gift from God to you. A present that you received early only to have to let go of. My heart pains for your family. Continue to talk about Avery and let others in! Love is coming to you!

Clare Dungey said...

Candi,

This blog entry could have been written by me! I hit the 2-month mark on Wednesday and it felt as if my heart broke into pieces. I was on holiday surrounded by families with beautiful tiny babies and my arms felt so empty without Theo. It seems to get harder each day, not easier! I don't know what Christmas will be like but I have also thought painfully about the presents and clothes I should be buying for my little boy and it all seems so cruel.

However, I know that in my dark moments, I only need look up and call out to God and he will comfort me. It doesn't stop the hurt and pain but I am able to make it though the day with Him by my side. He helps protect me against bitterness which threatens to consume me on a daily basis and gives me peace that Theo is in the arms of His Lord and Saviour. I am so human and weak but with God on my side, I know I am strong enough to survive this and so are you. He loves us dearly and He loves our babies.

I'm here if you need me.

Clare xxx

Jennifer said...

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal and expected. You can't suffer that kind of loss without feeling so lost and alone. Maybe a support group would help if you feel ready. And go for it with those antidepressants! They will help you over a very bad time. Also know that all of us out here in internat land are still with you 100%. We think of you and pray for you and keep track of you through your blog.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I know there are no words to say that can make things better, but know we all are thinking and praying for you and your family.

Don't give up! Things will get better. It just takes time.

Anonymous said...

My prayer for you continues Candi. Keep writing, it is healing. Do what comforts you, plain and simple.

Candi

Visions of a VBAC said...

I stumbled upon your blog by reading other blogs. I jut wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine that anyone would ever expect you to be "over" anything like the loss of a child so soon after it happened--if ever. You did lose a child whom you loved very much, and you will always be a mother to her. Hugs to you and your family.

Mandy said...

Found your from a comment on another blog. I am so sorry for your loss of Avery. I have a son with the middle name Avery. I lost my Madeline to T-18 in June and am still healing. I guess we will always be in constant healing. Please visit my blog at madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com to read our story. I will be praying for you because I can identify with so much of what you are feeling. God bless. Merry Christmas.

Mandy
Ga
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

A Friend To Listen said...

I just wanted to say hang in there. Do what you need to do to get through (w/o obvious harm to yourself of course). Grief comes in waves, thats the best way to explain it. It is not an upward hill. It's more like standing on the beach and there might be a few minutes when the water is still, but the waves will come back over and over to knock you down. Don't worry about what others expect from you. It's not about them, it's about you and your husband grieving your daughter. I went through so many emotions the first year after I lost my daugther (lethal skeletal dysplasia). I went from leaning on my husband and needing him so much to not even being able to look at him because he just made me too sad. I can't say it will get better, because you won't ever be who your were before. But you will become different. I will never be the woman I was before I lost my daughter. I think differently I feel differently.. I appreciate so many things more differently. Everything changes. Don't expect too much from yourself now, and don't let others expectations get to you. I'ts very lonely to be where you are now, I still feel alone. We just celebrated my daughters 2 year anniversary. But I still feel like I'm standing in the center of a room full of people, screaming and nobody can hear me. Just take one day at a time and try to breathe.

How Life is Measured said...

Avery is beautiful. No matter what you may feel like, I think you are very strong.
Take care
Cat