Well I finally did it. I saw a counselor. I have been going back and forth on the idea ever since Avery was born. People kept suggesting it and I would brush it off, thinking that maybe this was something I could deal with on my own. Well after hitting a new low a month or so ago I called up a therapist that a friend suggested. I had to wait a couple of weeks for an appointment but finally met with her this morning.
I didn't know what to expect, and honestly I felt a little silly at first. I kept thinking, Do I really need this? Is she just going to laugh and tell me that I need to get over myself? Well she didn't laugh at me but in a way she did tell me to get over myself. She wasn't rude about it and she didn't minimize my feelings at all. She just told me that I am in a vicious cycle and I need to break out of it. I am dwelling on what I don't have and if I continue to do that I will continue to not have what I don't have. I know it sounds strange but it makes sense to me. I am so upset about losing Avery and about not being able to try again that I am constantly dwelling on that. Because I am always dwelling on that I continue to get upset when I see pregnant women and babies which makes me dwell on my loss and my anger even more. She said unless I start focusing on better things, like my blessings, I am never going to pull out of the cycle. (Mom, you were so right... what a smartie you are!)
She also suggested that I start back on Wellbutrin. I started taking this antidepressant after Avery was born but it was not available in generic form back then so I was paying $80 every month to get it filled. She said that it is now available in generic form so it will only cost me $5. This was the only antidepressant that I tolerated well because it didn't make me feel numb to any and all emotions like the others seem to do. Plus it has less side effects. She said that I have a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected before I can really start to change my attitude.
In addition to focusing on the blessings in my life, she explained that if we really want to try IVF again I need to start focusing on making it happen. I need to stop thinking about "what if it doesn't work" and just do everything and anything I can to get to a point where we can try again. I am not really sure how to even begin this. I would think that taking a second job to increase our savings or pay off our debt (from IVF #1) would be ideal but I work 8-5, because I am taking 9 credits this semester I study 2-3 hours a night, and starting tomorrow I will be volunteering at the hospital 8 hours a week. Add on top of that trying to keep my house clean (which it very rarely is these days), keeping my husband fed, and spending quality time with him and my family. I just don't have a lot of time to commit to a second job. I thought about selling something but I don't have any talents and don't have the time to develop any that could make a profit. I am at a loss (ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THIS AREA WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!) and that frustrates me a little bit. I have looked at getting grants (yes they do those for IVF) but Skeet and I make too much money (don't even get me started on that - it's ridiculous!). Dr. D is keeping me in mind for any clinical trials that they have coming up so I will continue to bug him on a monthly basis. I need to be creative I guess and try to come up with more that I can do. What I have been doing is putting everything I can into savings, collecting spare change around the house to cash in, and I signed us up for a debt management program so that we can get some of our debt paid off a little bit faster. I have thought about selling the Tahoe (that we bought before we knew we'd have to do IVF) but we are upside down in it and it is our only vehicle that we can really rely on. If we did have a baby we would need a safe vehicle to drive it around in so I am holding off on this for now. I thought about getting rid of our Internet but I need that for school, and our satellite but I am still trying to convince Skeet that he could survive without it. (We have the most basic package but he loves his Simpsons) I have gotten so much better about my shopping habits and even though I slip every now and then I usually send it back for a refund.
So, I will get started on the Wellbutrin and go back to see my therapist in a couple of weeks so start talking about the things that I can start focusing on instead of dwelling on what is missing. I am really optimistic about this and hope that I can start going to church again and going out in public without the major anxiety I get from the thought of running into a pregnant woman or new babies. She did say something that I didn't want to hear, about accepting that I might never have children and being okay with that. I can't even imagine being okay with that but I guess if I didn't have a choice I might be able to. Right now I won't think about it though. Right now I will focus on my blessings and try to have hope and faith that someday soon Skeet and I will be the parents of a healthy, living child.
I want to thank all of you out there for your generosity, your prayers and your friendship. I feel so overwhelmed with the love I have been given from those of you that read this blog. You have kept me going for so long. Thank you! Also, a special thanks to my sister, to Lisa, and to everyone else involved, you have given me a reason to have hope again. It means so much to me.