Friday, September 4, 2009

Blast from the Past!

How long has it been since you have walked through the halls of your high school? I visited Cedar High this morning because I needed to pick up a copy of my immunization records (I need them to be able to volunteer at the hospital this semester). They are doing a lot of adding on and renovations to the building so I was sure that it would look different inside. Nope. I walked in and I started having flashbacks. It's been 5 years since I have been in the building but 10 since I have walked those hallways, but not much has changed. Yes they are adding on but what was there before still looks just about the same. I didn't get to look around as much as I would like, because I was already late for work, but the place even smelled the same.

I don't know about you all (if there is anyone left out there reading this), but I LOVED high school. It is where I came out of my shell. I went from being an awkward and shy nobody to an awkward and shy cheerleader. I know that sounds a little bit like an oxymoron but it's true. I found that as long as I was with a group, I could get up in front of a crowd and dance and cheer and not be self conscious. I loved it! It didn't bother me at all, however, that at the end of my 3 year cheerleading career, people still had no idea that I had been a cheerleader. I am not sure how anyone could have missed the tallest girl on the floor by many inches! I stood at 5'10" and I think the next tallest was 5'7", maybe 5'8", but whatever!

I loved cheer! I loved the girls I cheered with, I loved that it helped me out of my shell and made me just a little bit more outgoing. I know that I am who I am today and where I am today because of cheer. I made some great friends because of it too. I miss high school. I miss how naively innocent I was back then. I miss not knowing how cruel and unforgiving life can be sometimes. I really miss how easy it was to get so worked up and excited over the little things. They weren't so little back then, but compared to the trials in my life now... they seem so small.

It was nice to walk through those doors, and for a moment, relive all those memories. If I ever do have more children, I will make sure that they cherish their teenage years. I remember my mom telling me not to be in a hurry to grow up, I never listened to her but now I wish I had.

On a more depressing note, as I was walking out of the building all giddy from remembering the good ol' days, I passed a girl on her way to class who was probably 6 or 7 months pregnant. My buzz was immediately shot down and I wanted to cry. I started thinking... if I was told in high school that I would never be able to have a baby after the age of 18 but I could have one then, would I choose to have one? My answer, ABSOLUTELY!! It is likely that my problem probably would have prevented me from getting pregnant at a young age too so had I been sexually active in high school (which I definitely was not, and I am not just saying that because my mom reads my blog) I probably wouldn't have had to worry about birth control. I hate seeing young girls pregnant.... I want to experience pregnancy again so badly, to feel the miracle of life growing inside of me... it makes me hate that young person that I don't even know for having what I want more than anything.

Wow what a random post. Sorry about that. I do want to add one more thing though, I miss my baby and I am finally realizing that it's never going to change. I will miss her for the rest of my life and I have no control over it. It's really hard to accept that you have no control over certain feelings and emotions.

Anyway, I'll sign off now before this gets too depressing.


Lindsay-Weaver said...

I, too, loved cheerleading. My Dad moved us when I was a Jr. in high school, so I only got to cheer until November of that year. I didn't try out when we moved here, I didn't have enough self-confidence, or peer support. Cheerleading was some of my favorite times, and I'm glad that I got that opportunity.

I think that you're going to miss Avery forever, even if you do have more children. It's a loss, and it's an irreplaceable one at that. I'm sorry you felt sad today! I wish I had a million dollars to give you and me for IVF!

Dee Ice Hole said...

I wish you did too. If it waws up to me no parent would ever have to bury one of their children. Just shouldn't be that way. JUST SHOULDN'T.

Patty Sampson said...

This is totally off topic- but I went to your Hope for the Houstons web site, and there is no Paypal link. Please fix that. :) It's important.

Anonymous said...

As much the emotion feels out of our control my counselor keeps telling me you never will forget. Your child is a part of you forever. :) I found you on baby center and started following your blog. Thank you for sharing your link. :)

The Schexnayders said...

I HATED high school. Sorry just wanted to point that out. I wish I could of been like you and made more of it but... oh well! Yeah... you will always miss Avery, thats a fact. But Avery will be with you again some day and will be yours forever if you choose (not that it makes you feel better now..) Im so thankful that God lets us have our families forever...