I really am! I know what my doctors have told me. I know that 2 years of chlomid were unsuccessful. I know that 2 IUIs (or was it 3?) were unsuccessful. I know that I only have one tube and that it most likely does not work. I know that my cycle history has never been regular and I can go months without any bleeding. I know that Dr. S wants me to take the pill so that my cycles can be regular and so I won't have as much of a risk of cervical or uterine cancer. (I totally stopped taking them because I hate the side effects!!) However, I still obsess every month about every twinge, or every day that passes and my friend Aunt Flow doesn't show. In July I was on the pill but never got my pack refilled for August. I am now on cycle day 47 and I swear that I did ovulate around CD (cycle day) 39 or 40. I had a sore chest, pain in lower abdomen like a brick was just hanging out down there, and even a positive OPK ( I wanted to check and see if my symptoms were right). Now I know that if you ovulate as late as I did, you are not likely to get pregnant but I want to believe that a miracle could happen. Deep down I know it's almost impossible and will probably never happen but still... I obsess.
Am I crazy for obsessing? Yes I probably am... but how do you stop? I mean even with all that "I know" I still think about it all the time. I wish I could just relax and not think about what cycle day it is, or what my sore chest means, or why I felt sick to my stomach this morning. I wonder if it will ever go away? I admit that if I stayed on the pill I would probably not obsess as much but I hate being miserable, and the pill makes me miserable. I cry about everything, I hate everyone, I bloat up, I am tired all the time (okay so I am that way anyway), I feel like I am PMSing every day of the month. Who wants to live like that? Not me!! If I had to choose between the pill side effects or the crazy obsession..... I really don't know what I would rather live with.
I am sure this is an issue that I will have to discuss with my new therapist... maybe she can recommend something for my obsession. I am sure I am not the only sufferer of infertility that feels this way. In fact I know I am not. So if any of you out there have any suggestions I would LOVE to hear them!
BTW I did my first midnight shift at the hospital last night and I have to say... I will be surprised I live through this semester.