I really am! I know what my doctors have told me. I know that 2 years of chlomid were unsuccessful. I know that 2 IUIs (or was it 3?) were unsuccessful. I know that I only have one tube and that it most likely does not work. I know that my cycle history has never been regular and I can go months without any bleeding. I know that Dr. S wants me to take the pill so that my cycles can be regular and so I won't have as much of a risk of cervical or uterine cancer. (I totally stopped taking them because I hate the side effects!!) However, I still obsess every month about every twinge, or every day that passes and my friend Aunt Flow doesn't show. In July I was on the pill but never got my pack refilled for August. I am now on cycle day 47 and I swear that I did ovulate around CD (cycle day) 39 or 40. I had a sore chest, pain in lower abdomen like a brick was just hanging out down there, and even a positive OPK ( I wanted to check and see if my symptoms were right). Now I know that if you ovulate as late as I did, you are not likely to get pregnant but I want to believe that a miracle could happen. Deep down I know it's almost impossible and will probably never happen but still... I obsess.
Am I crazy for obsessing? Yes I probably am... but how do you stop? I mean even with all that "I know" I still think about it all the time. I wish I could just relax and not think about what cycle day it is, or what my sore chest means, or why I felt sick to my stomach this morning. I wonder if it will ever go away? I admit that if I stayed on the pill I would probably not obsess as much but I hate being miserable, and the pill makes me miserable. I cry about everything, I hate everyone, I bloat up, I am tired all the time (okay so I am that way anyway), I feel like I am PMSing every day of the month. Who wants to live like that? Not me!! If I had to choose between the pill side effects or the crazy obsession..... I really don't know what I would rather live with.
I am sure this is an issue that I will have to discuss with my new therapist... maybe she can recommend something for my obsession. I am sure I am not the only sufferer of infertility that feels this way. In fact I know I am not. So if any of you out there have any suggestions I would LOVE to hear them!
BTW I did my first midnight shift at the hospital last night and I have to say... I will be surprised I live through this semester.
7 comments:
I totally have the same problem. I obsessed every month, and when I was even 3 days late I would take a test. It was crazy. And of course there was the cycle of happiness and anticipation followed by depression and frustration when the test was negative. The only way I was able to break the chain was time...and prayer. It is not much, and maybe your Therapist knows more. But that is what helped me. I could talk myself into being ok, and in a flash be right back where I started. It is what comes with the deep longing to be a mother. And I don't think there is any cure.
Hey best friend. I don't think that you are pathetic at all. You always hear the stories of people adopting a baby and then they get pregnant with twins. I have dreams all the time that you get pregnant and I think it is going to happen. Not sure if it will be your miracle baby or IVF but it will happen. I love ya
Kate
I had to do some therapy a few years ago and one of my main problems was being obsessive. I had some OCD issues. I could have never overcome them on my own and the constant obsessing didn't go away until I took care of the issue that was at the heart of my problem. You will find your answers, your strong and I am praying for you!
Hey you I don't blame you I go thru the same thing every month. It's hard not to. Someday everything will fall into place one way or another. You have lots of people pulling for you! Its always hard to see the bigger picture I know and it's always easier said than done. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. Miracle babies do happen and I don't think you should ever give up hope. Disappointment sucks yes but I think if you give up hoping then that's worse?
I can help financially if you can help me not be homeless. Not even sure how I got to your blog tonight. I should have, but the town I am in is awful. I have 2 dogs (service dog and one in training) 2 cats and my electric wheel chair and manual one and a few things. I want a new life. I gave up my uterus in the name of not letting a baby suffer what I go through. Anyways, I have aspergers and a ton of other physical things that keep me in pain and down and been on my own since early teens and need structure. www.twitter.com/colty13 is my twitter and I have a blog you can get to from here. Pray about it. Its ok not to of course. I am just scared and desperate and would love to rent a room from someone, any one at this point. xoxo, Kandi Ann
I should have a Nurse. is what I meant.
I have to say I totally agree and have spent a lot of months in that state of mind. Even months when I knew it wasn't possible because we didn't even "TRY" I was obsessing. My best friend and I still joke about an email she sent to me asking if I thought jaw pain was a sign of pregnancy. I think it's just part of having such hope, and also hearing about "normal" women for whom it happens that way. We want to have it sneak up on us like that, too. I would be over the moon if it happened like that for you.
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