Wow, has it really been 3 years? Today is the only day of the year that I really let myself go back and think about everything that happened that day and the days leading up to it. I can still remember it like it was yesterday and it is still bittersweet. I am very emotional this year and I blame it mostly on the hormones but I am also really sad about all we missed out on this year. 3 year olds are so much fun. Learning all that they can and asking every and any question they can think of. They are learning about the world and experimenting with everything around them. I know that she would be a handful and I would be twice as exhausted as I already am because I believe we would still be pregnant. Mostly because when we were pregnant with Avery we thought we would wait until she was about 3 before we tried again. I know I would be okay though. Moms do it all the time. I have an amazing friend who has 3 young kids and is pregnant with her 4th... honestly I think she is supermom, I don't know how she does it.
We had Avery's birthday party last night because my parents left this morning for Philly to visit my sister and the little monster (who I miss tremendously... hint hint). We did a balloon release at the cemetery with the help of my gorgeous nieces and then had pizza (Midvalley Pizza of course) and a Blizzard cake. I am so grateful to my family for being so understanding of my need to celebrate Avery's birthday. It's the one day a year that I make sure that everyone remembers her. This year my cute 5 year old niece had all kinds of questions about Avery and about the new baby in my tummy. It was adorable. I love the innocence of children. I wish they could stay that way forever!
We get to celebrate Miss Avery twice this week, on Friday we will be attending a Wave of Light Memorial to observe Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I am so excited for this event because Mari and Beckie will be performing Avery's song live. I will finally get to thank them face-to-face and let them know how much it really means to Skeet and I, and our families. I know the song has touched so many lives and I feel so unworthy of such an amazing gift. (If you can't make it to the memorial, and you haven't heard the song, there is a small player on the right side of my blog that will play the song if you hit the play button).
Today I went to the cemetery, lit a candle, and sat and talked to Avery for almost 20 minutes. (I wanted to read her story to her but I couldn't find my hard copy in my mess of a house so I may have to do it later this week or this weekend). I like to believe that she could hear me and that she knows how much I love her and miss her. I feel like Skeet and I have missed out on so much because we had to say goodbye to her so soon, but I also know that she is very special and was needed back in Heaven. We are so proud to be her parents and we can't wait to tell her new brother or sister all about her.
One thing that has been especially tough is remembering all the details of her birth and the days afterward when we had to put our daughter in the ground. I have had a hard time with that mostly because I know that I am not strong enough to do that again. I hope and pray that this child I am carrying is healthy. Losing another baby may put me over the edge. Most would think that the fact that I am expecting again would make this birthday easier but it is actually the opposite. It stresses me out.
Thank you to all of our family and friends that have expressed their thoughts and prayers to us over the last couple of days. We are so grateful for all of you and appreciate all you do. We love you!! I will update tomorrow after our ultrasound.