Prayers please

My friend Lisa was just admitted to the hospital because of low amniotic fluid. There is a good chance that, if her fluid levels don't go up by tomorrow morning, her baby will be born within the next couple of days. She is almost 34 weeks along so, if born this early, the baby will most likely have to spend some time in the NICU. Please keep her and her miracle rainbow baby in your prayers. After losing her triplets she doesn't really need anything else to stress or worry about.
Thanks everyone!

Counseling

Well I finally did it. I saw a counselor. I have been going back and forth on the idea ever since Avery was born. People kept suggesting it and I would brush it off, thinking that maybe this was something I could deal with on my own. Well after hitting a new low a month or so ago I called up a therapist that a friend suggested. I had to wait a couple of weeks for an appointment but finally met with her this morning.

I didn't know what to expect, and honestly I felt a little silly at first. I kept thinking, Do I really need this? Is she just going to laugh and tell me that I need to get over myself? Well she didn't laugh at me but in a way she did tell me to get over myself. She wasn't rude about it and she didn't minimize my feelings at all. She just told me that I am in a vicious cycle and I need to break out of it. I am dwelling on what I don't have and if I continue to do that I will continue to not have what I don't have. I know it sounds strange but it makes sense to me. I am so upset about losing Avery and about not being able to try again that I am constantly dwelling on that. Because I am always dwelling on that I continue to get upset when I see pregnant women and babies which makes me dwell on my loss and my anger even more. She said unless I start focusing on better things, like my blessings, I am never going to pull out of the cycle. (Mom, you were so right... what a smartie you are!)

She also suggested that I start back on Wellbutrin. I started taking this antidepressant after Avery was born but it was not available in generic form back then so I was paying $80 every month to get it filled. She said that it is now available in generic form so it will only cost me $5. This was the only antidepressant that I tolerated well because it didn't make me feel numb to any and all emotions like the others seem to do. Plus it has less side effects. She said that I have a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected before I can really start to change my attitude.

In addition to focusing on the blessings in my life, she explained that if we really want to try IVF again I need to start focusing on making it happen. I need to stop thinking about "what if it doesn't work" and just do everything and anything I can to get to a point where we can try again. I am not really sure how to even begin this. I would think that taking a second job to increase our savings or pay off our debt (from IVF #1) would be ideal but I work 8-5, because I am taking 9 credits this semester I study 2-3 hours a night, and starting tomorrow I will be volunteering at the hospital 8 hours a week. Add on top of that trying to keep my house clean (which it very rarely is these days), keeping my husband fed, and spending quality time with him and my family. I just don't have a lot of time to commit to a second job. I thought about selling something but I don't have any talents and don't have the time to develop any that could make a profit. I am at a loss (ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THIS AREA WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!) and that frustrates me a little bit. I have looked at getting grants (yes they do those for IVF) but Skeet and I make too much money (don't even get me started on that - it's ridiculous!). Dr. D is keeping me in mind for any clinical trials that they have coming up so I will continue to bug him on a monthly basis. I need to be creative I guess and try to come up with more that I can do. What I have been doing is putting everything I can into savings, collecting spare change around the house to cash in, and I signed us up for a debt management program so that we can get some of our debt paid off a little bit faster. I have thought about selling the Tahoe (that we bought before we knew we'd have to do IVF) but we are upside down in it and it is our only vehicle that we can really rely on. If we did have a baby we would need a safe vehicle to drive it around in so I am holding off on this for now. I thought about getting rid of our Internet but I need that for school, and our satellite but I am still trying to convince Skeet that he could survive without it. (We have the most basic package but he loves his Simpsons) I have gotten so much better about my shopping habits and even though I slip every now and then I usually send it back for a refund.

So, I will get started on the Wellbutrin and go back to see my therapist in a couple of weeks so start talking about the things that I can start focusing on instead of dwelling on what is missing. I am really optimistic about this and hope that I can start going to church again and going out in public without the major anxiety I get from the thought of running into a pregnant woman or new babies. She did say something that I didn't want to hear, about accepting that I might never have children and being okay with that. I can't even imagine being okay with that but I guess if I didn't have a choice I might be able to. Right now I won't think about it though. Right now I will focus on my blessings and try to have hope and faith that someday soon Skeet and I will be the parents of a healthy, living child.

I want to thank all of you out there for your generosity, your prayers and your friendship. I feel so overwhelmed with the love I have been given from those of you that read this blog. You have kept me going for so long. Thank you! Also, a special thanks to my sister, to Lisa, and to everyone else involved, you have given me a reason to have hope again. It means so much to me.

Kidnapping of Candi's Blog

Hi all!

I hope Candi doesn't just kill me for doing this but I have decided to kidnap her blog so we can let all of her friends around the world that follow her blog know that we (Lisa and I) have set up a IVF fundraising site.

We want more then anything to give Candi another chance at InVetro so that someday she can enjoy the blessing of a healthy child in her arms.

Please check out the site, if you can... make a donation or just sign the guestbook as your love and support mean just as much to Candice as anything.

The site is located at http://hopeforthehoustons.blogspot.com/ and if you feel compelled we would love to have you pass it on or post the link on your own sites.

Our goal is to raise enough money by Christmas to give Candice the best gift of all... a baby!

And while I am taking up Candi's real estate here... I want to speak for our family when I say that we thank EVERYONE who has been her for Candi through the hard times. I know that the support that you have shown has helped her get through and we are forever grateful that she has such amazing friends!

Ok. That's all you will hear from me!

Thanks
Charise

Today I am thankful for....

Antibiotics!! I have been suffering from Sinusitis and started antibiotics yesterday. My throat already feels better! Yay for prescription drugs! Especially the kind you only have to take for 3 days.

Counting my blessings

I haven't done a great job at keeping track of what I am thankful for everyday . I think of things then I don't write them down. A few things I do remember from the past week...

I am thankful for my job. I am blessed to have work, to be able to work with such great people, and to have all the benefits that go along with this job (free school!). I know there are so many people out there that are out of work and struggling to make ends meet and provide for their families. Skeet and I are very blessed to have our jobs and know that we are secure.

I am thankful for soft, cool grass. I was leaving my Spanish class the other day and my shoes were killing me. So I took a detour and walked barefoot across the grass. It felt so heavenly. It's those little things that we take for granted that, when you think about it, make life bearable. It's corny... I know that.




I am so blessed to have a home, that is mine (well really the bank's but we like to pretend it's ours). I always complain about how small our house is but honestly, I love it. When I think about having to sell it I want to cry. So I hope I don't have to anytime soon. It is a cute house and we got a killer deal on it. Plus, it's not so bad now that we have a big ( and I mean huge ) patch of grass in the back yard. It sits on a half acre of land and if we had the time and money we could have a beautiful yard. But for now, I am just so glad that we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in.




Can I tell you how much I love my dog? She is a lifesaver! She keeps me sane when I have to spend nights alone. She doesn't ever talk back and she is always happy to see me. She is so forgiving and so gentle. We couldn't ask for a better dog, seriously I think we got the best one out there! So I am thankful that we were blessed with such a sweet puppy. She's five now but she will always be my puppy. I love her!!

I only have time for one more... and I saved the best for last.

I am so thankful for little Ayden. He is such a funny kid. I just loved having him here. He made me laugh and I instantly felt better every time he was around. He is so good at giving hugs and kisses and always seemed happy to see me. I miss him and his funny jokes like "Why did the dog cross the road?" "Cause he Pooooped in his Paaaants" So cute!! He will be 3 next month and I can't believe how fast he is growing up. I wish they lived closer so that I could see him more often.

This is my favorite picture of him.

*Note* I am thankful for all my nieces and nephews but I wanted to do them each separately...

Cali Trip

I know it's been 3 weeks since our trip to California but I wanted to post some fun pics of our trip.

We met my sister, her husband and my nephew in Dana Point on Wednesday then headed to Sea World Thursday morning. After Sea World Skeet, Charise, Sean and I headed to Petco Park to see the Padres play the St. Louis Cardinals , Skeet's favorite team. He was like a little groupie, so excited to see his favorite player, Pujols. I wish we could have gotten his autograph. The game was fun... the Cardinals won 5-1. Sean even got hit by a foul ball (see my facebook page) and was able to keep the ball. Skeet was sooo jealous!

The next day we hung out at the beach. It was warm but very overcast so we didn't stay long. Our last day in Cali we visited Balboa Park in San Diego. It was neat but way too crowded.

The morning we left, Sean flew back to Philly and Charise and Ayden packed into the bus (my parent's suburban) and drove back with us to Utah for an extended visit. Our trip home was quite eventful. About an hour outside of Las Vegas the transmission on the bus went out. We were able to drive but at a max of 45 mph. We made it to St. George (very slowly) and my little bro met us there to pick up Charise and Ayden because Ayden had had enough of the car and wanted to be in "ootah" at his house. When we stopped and were waiting for little bro to show up I heard a hissing noise and looked down to see the right rear tire was flat...and getting flatter by the second. So how many men does it take to change a tire? Well in our case it took my dad, Skeet, DJ and DJ's two friends. Then we were back on the road. Skeet and I rode with my parents back to Cedar, a 30 minute drive that took us over an hour. We were glad to be home.

Skeet and I after riding the wet roller coaster at Sea World, waiting for Sean and Charise to take their turn.
Skeet and I at Coronado Island, Hotel Coronado

Ayden and his Uncle Skeet at Sea World

Shamu!!

The cute little family at the beach

A flower at Sea World

Ayden and his donut face at Sea World

Charise and Sean at the baseball game

Sean & Charise at Coronado Island, Hotel Coronado

Charise telling Ayden about the big fish.

Skeet and I at Sea World seeing the Budweiser Clydesdales

I photoshopped this one, I thought it was cool

This kid always has his tongue out.

There's the tongue again

This is Ayden surfing... and see the tongue...

Another tongue shot!

Skeet and Ayden again

Ayden and his Papa... kids have it made, they never have to walk in places like Sea World

Me and my Mama!

Flowers at the Botanical Gardens in Balboa Park. I love the twisties

Sean and Ayden riding the carousel at Balboa Park

Daddy and Ayden building sandcastles.

Blast from the past part 2

These are a few scrapbook pages I did about 9 years ago. I sucked at scrapbooking then, and I still suck. But these are fun pictures. Like I said... I loved high school. If I can find time to scan more I will share those as well.

Blast from the Past!

How long has it been since you have walked through the halls of your high school? I visited Cedar High this morning because I needed to pick up a copy of my immunization records (I need them to be able to volunteer at the hospital this semester). They are doing a lot of adding on and renovations to the building so I was sure that it would look different inside. Nope. I walked in and I started having flashbacks. It's been 5 years since I have been in the building but 10 since I have walked those hallways, but not much has changed. Yes they are adding on but what was there before still looks just about the same. I didn't get to look around as much as I would like, because I was already late for work, but the place even smelled the same.

I don't know about you all (if there is anyone left out there reading this), but I LOVED high school. It is where I came out of my shell. I went from being an awkward and shy nobody to an awkward and shy cheerleader. I know that sounds a little bit like an oxymoron but it's true. I found that as long as I was with a group, I could get up in front of a crowd and dance and cheer and not be self conscious. I loved it! It didn't bother me at all, however, that at the end of my 3 year cheerleading career, people still had no idea that I had been a cheerleader. I am not sure how anyone could have missed the tallest girl on the floor by many inches! I stood at 5'10" and I think the next tallest was 5'7", maybe 5'8", but whatever!

I loved cheer! I loved the girls I cheered with, I loved that it helped me out of my shell and made me just a little bit more outgoing. I know that I am who I am today and where I am today because of cheer. I made some great friends because of it too. I miss high school. I miss how naively innocent I was back then. I miss not knowing how cruel and unforgiving life can be sometimes. I really miss how easy it was to get so worked up and excited over the little things. They weren't so little back then, but compared to the trials in my life now... they seem so small.

It was nice to walk through those doors, and for a moment, relive all those memories. If I ever do have more children, I will make sure that they cherish their teenage years. I remember my mom telling me not to be in a hurry to grow up, I never listened to her but now I wish I had.

On a more depressing note, as I was walking out of the building all giddy from remembering the good ol' days, I passed a girl on her way to class who was probably 6 or 7 months pregnant. My buzz was immediately shot down and I wanted to cry. I started thinking... if I was told in high school that I would never be able to have a baby after the age of 18 but I could have one then, would I choose to have one? My answer, ABSOLUTELY!! It is likely that my problem probably would have prevented me from getting pregnant at a young age too so had I been sexually active in high school (which I definitely was not, and I am not just saying that because my mom reads my blog) I probably wouldn't have had to worry about birth control. I hate seeing young girls pregnant.... I want to experience pregnancy again so badly, to feel the miracle of life growing inside of me... it makes me hate that young person that I don't even know for having what I want more than anything.

Wow what a random post. Sorry about that. I do want to add one more thing though, I miss my baby and I am finally realizing that it's never going to change. I will miss her for the rest of my life and I have no control over it. It's really hard to accept that you have no control over certain feelings and emotions.

Anyway, I'll sign off now before this gets too depressing.

Blessings

So my mom thinks that my blog is a little bit depressing lately... I would have to agree. So we made a deal, she is going to keep a blessing (or "things I am thankful for") journal and I am going to use my blog for the same. I won't update daily but will keep a journal and then once or twice a week update my blog. So... starting today I am going to think of one thing a day that I am thankful for. I know I have been blessed in so many ways and I need to stop focusing on the less than happy things that have been happening lately and start focusing on how very fortunate I am.

So to start things off....

Today, I am thankful for.... My Mom. For this wonderful idea but also for all that she does for me. She listens to all my rants. She laughs with me and she cries with me. She keeps me grounded when I start to let things get to me. She is an amazing mom and the bestest friend. I love her so much and I am so glad that I am her daughter and that we have such a good relationship. Thank you Mom!!

I'm still here!

I know I have been slacking on keeping my blog updated. I guess there's just not much I want to say right now. We did just get back from a mini-vaca in California with my parents, and my sister and her family. Charise and Ayden drove back with us to Utah (that story is for another post) and will be here for another week so I have been trying to spend as much time with them as I can. School also started this week so I have been busy doing homework too. It's going to be a long semester, I can tell already. Especially if I start volunteering at the hospital soon, I don't see me having any free time for the next few months.

How am I doing emotionally? Honestly I don't know. I am getting really good at shoving my emotions deep down inside and putting on a smile for everyone around me. School has been good to take my mind off of things but when I do have a free minute my mind always goes to Avery, and the babies we may never have. I just keep thinking that if I knew the reason, if Heavenly Father could tell me just one reason why we can't have a baby right now, maybe I could handle it better. I know this sounds awful but if I knew that my life would be cut short and I would leave a child motherless then I could be okay with not having one at all. Or if I knew that the world was going to go to pot (I still have hope that it won't) I might be okay with not having another baby. I am sure I could come up with a lot of reasons why I would be okay with not having a baby but unless I know for sure I am still going to feel cheated and bitter about our situation. My bishop told me that I need to be praying for the ability to accept what we have been given but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be a childless mother. I don't want to be okay with it.
I read about babies being beaten or neglected and it makes me sick to my stomach. I would have gladly taken that child, loved it and given it the home that it deserved. Instead, that child had to suffer. I can keep telling myself that there has to be a reason but it doesn't really give me any comfort. I am angry now because I can't even look at pictures of Avery without becoming upset. I never wanted to feel that way. She doesn't make me upset but the situation does. I miss her so much and I want to be able to look at her sweet face and not want to hit something. I wonder how long it's going to last.

Sorry. I know I am a huge downer. I know that I need a major attitude adjustment. I promise I am trying but I can't seem to get it together. I am sure it is something that will come with time. I will try to keep myself busy and maybe one day I will wake up and I will feel better. I hope that day comes soon.

There is one thing lately that has brought some sunshine into my life and that is my little buddy Ayden. He always makes me smile. He is getting so big and he is so smart! I love talking to him and watching him follow his Papa around. When I am around him my smiles and laughter are real. He is such a funny little boy. I am going to miss him so much when they go back to Philly in a week.

When I can get my computer to allow me to upload photos, I will share details about our trip to Dana Pointe.