Friday, August 28, 2009

I'm still here!

I know I have been slacking on keeping my blog updated. I guess there's just not much I want to say right now. We did just get back from a mini-vaca in California with my parents, and my sister and her family. Charise and Ayden drove back with us to Utah (that story is for another post) and will be here for another week so I have been trying to spend as much time with them as I can. School also started this week so I have been busy doing homework too. It's going to be a long semester, I can tell already. Especially if I start volunteering at the hospital soon, I don't see me having any free time for the next few months.

How am I doing emotionally? Honestly I don't know. I am getting really good at shoving my emotions deep down inside and putting on a smile for everyone around me. School has been good to take my mind off of things but when I do have a free minute my mind always goes to Avery, and the babies we may never have. I just keep thinking that if I knew the reason, if Heavenly Father could tell me just one reason why we can't have a baby right now, maybe I could handle it better. I know this sounds awful but if I knew that my life would be cut short and I would leave a child motherless then I could be okay with not having one at all. Or if I knew that the world was going to go to pot (I still have hope that it won't) I might be okay with not having another baby. I am sure I could come up with a lot of reasons why I would be okay with not having a baby but unless I know for sure I am still going to feel cheated and bitter about our situation. My bishop told me that I need to be praying for the ability to accept what we have been given but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be a childless mother. I don't want to be okay with it.
I read about babies being beaten or neglected and it makes me sick to my stomach. I would have gladly taken that child, loved it and given it the home that it deserved. Instead, that child had to suffer. I can keep telling myself that there has to be a reason but it doesn't really give me any comfort. I am angry now because I can't even look at pictures of Avery without becoming upset. I never wanted to feel that way. She doesn't make me upset but the situation does. I miss her so much and I want to be able to look at her sweet face and not want to hit something. I wonder how long it's going to last.

Sorry. I know I am a huge downer. I know that I need a major attitude adjustment. I promise I am trying but I can't seem to get it together. I am sure it is something that will come with time. I will try to keep myself busy and maybe one day I will wake up and I will feel better. I hope that day comes soon.

There is one thing lately that has brought some sunshine into my life and that is my little buddy Ayden. He always makes me smile. He is getting so big and he is so smart! I love talking to him and watching him follow his Papa around. When I am around him my smiles and laughter are real. He is such a funny little boy. I am going to miss him so much when they go back to Philly in a week.

When I can get my computer to allow me to upload photos, I will share details about our trip to Dana Pointe.


Anonymous said...

I wish I could tell you the reason for all of this. I can't. I know that you are amazing and what you are feeling is normal but sooooo not where you want to be. Please know that you are loved and prayed for.

Jenny said...

I too, hope that the day you feel better comes soon. Hang in there!

Patty Sampson said...

I learned a lesson when I lost my baby. First, all you are feeling is normal. You are grieving and you have every right to feel every bit of the way you do. And second, when Heavenly Father makes you go through these awful tests you have the right to ask Him Why. If you ask Him for the "whys" He will tell you. I asked and I got answers- lots of them. And feel free to share your frustration and anger with Him. He is a great listener, and He is mourning with you. Remember that- He is not happy about this either, and He will give you the "why" you are looking for.

You are an amazing woman. And I am so proud of you for all you are doing to become a Mother. You will make it. I know you will. :)

Tell Charise I said hello. :)