Hollywood here I come!

I am officially a TV star! Well not really but I did make it on to CMT this weekend. The footage they shot at the concert was actually just for an advertisement for a contest that Rascal Flatts is doing with their new video. My mom got a call from the girl that does our nails (thanks Jamie!) saying that she just saw us on a preview for CMT Insider. So I set my DVR to record Sunday morning and while I was getting ready for church Skeet yells "you're on TV!!" I looked like a complete idiot who was having way too much fun and my mom looked like she was doing her best to stay out of the shot, but at least we didn't look like the drunk girls that they showed right after us! You could tell that they were completely wasted!
So yes, now you are reading the blog of a real celebrity! I will be signing autographs... just send me your request and I will get it in the mail! Just kidding... I really hope that none of you see it. I doubt they will air it that much, thank goodness, because I really am so embarrassed. Especially because the first thing, and only thing, you notice is my ginormous nose!

Okay, enough of that- moving on, I got through Avery's 5 month birthday without much incident. It was hard and I cried but I dealt with it okay. It seems that the pain doesn't really go away but it just gets easier to bear. Skeet and I stopped by the cemetery on Saturday to put out the solar lights that we received from some family friends after Avery's passing. It will be one of few in her area that have lights at night. I think it was the first time Skeet has seen her headstone and he seemed really impressed with how it turned out. I have been thinking a lot about her lately, if you haven't noticed. We still have not heard a final diagnosis yet even though I have been calling once a week to try to get a hold of them. I am torn about whether or not we should even start trying for another baby until we find out. I think that both of my sister's in law are a little scared to start trying too. We all try to remember that feeling of peace we felt when Avery was born. Sloane told me after Avery was born that she felt that everything was going to be okay. I felt it too but now I can't help but be a little apprehensive about it all. Yesterday, I returned home after receiving my patriarchal blessing, my face was tear stained and I felt exhausted- but more than that, I was full of the spirit. It was an amazing experience that I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. The more I thought about all that had been said the more I focused on my future children. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a healthy baby in my arms, knowing that I was responsible for it's life. The thought was completely overwhelming to me. I pictured myself holding this child and crying because I still missed my angel in heaven. Or maybe the tears were tears of relief, I am not sure but that picture in my mind filled me with a feeling that can only be described as bittersweet.

I had better end this now before I get too emotional- I don't want to be sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out. I know I have been on a lyric kick lately and you are probably all sick of it -but one song has been stuck in my mind the past few days. This song was one that, when I was pregnant, brought be to tears every time I heard it. It reminded me to cherish the time I had with my Avery because it was time I would not get back. It also helped me to remember that there are things in life that may seem huge at the time but those things usually end up being small and unimportant compared to family, friends and love. It is a song by Carrie Underwood. I promise this is my last lyric sharing post!

So Small

What you got if you ain't got love,
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you hole

While your sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Life Changes

Lately I have been thinking about my life, where I want it to go and whether or not I would be happy with it if it were to end tomorrow. I have been striving lately to do what I think my Heavenly Father would want me to do. I have been trying to make decisions based on how He would make the decision if He were to do it for me. I feel lost. I have felt lost for a while now but I know that something is coming, something that is going to help me find my way. Ever since Avery went Home I have wondered if that was my whole purpose in life, to carry her until it was time for her to return to her Father in Heaven. If that was my purpose, I could be okay with that because I know she was perfect. My daughter, my precious little girl, was absolutely perfect and no one can ever change that. But if my life is meant for more, I need to know how to get there.

In my church we have what is called a Patriarchal Blessing. This is where a Patriarch of the church lays his hands on your head and give you a blessing. This blessing is something that you take with you and use as a sort of road map for the rest of your life. Now it is not like a fortune teller, he doesn't attempt to tell you your future. The blessing is meant to help you as you make decisions in your life so that you don't feel lost. It is hard for me to explain because you can only get one blessing in your life and obviously, I haven't had mine yet. Most members of the church get their blessing when they are young adults preparing to enter into the world on their own. I was extremely inactive at that age so I did not even think that I wanted one at the time. In a way, I am so glad that I waited. I know that I need this blessing now, more than ever. I will not be able to share my blessing, because it is sacred and it is only for me, but this is something that I have been looking forward to for months now.

As I approach the 5 month mark since Avery's birth, I have been thinking back to that day. I don't want to forget it, I don't want to forget one second of it. I don't believe that I ever could forget but I am thinking that I may write the events of that day down in detail so that I know it will never be forgotten. I have yet to start this because of my homework load but I hope to start it soon, maybe during my 3 week break from school in May. I still miss her everyday, and when I see her photo I wonder to myself if she misses me as much as I miss her. Every time I visit her grave I tell her how much I love her and how much I am looking forward to holding her again.

I want to share another Rascal Flatts song with you that means a lot to me. This may seem cheesy but I love to listen to the words of songs, that is really how I determine how much I like the song. This song was the RF song that made me a fan, since then I have come to love most of their music.

Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

One more thing, there was a post recently on Nate's blog that made me think. Mothers were posting what they wish for Tricia, things that she gets to look forward to. I have a few things that I wish I could be doing right now...

Be awaken in the middle of a night to the sound of a crying baby
Take every chance I get to kiss my daughter and breath in her smell
Watch Skeet hold and fuss over his little girl, I know he would be wrapped around her finger
Be able to just sit and watch her sleep
See her smile for the first time
Hear her laugh and coo

These are just a few of a very long list. To all you mothers out there, cherish every moment you have with your child/children. You are very blessed.

Some Fun!

I had the most fun I have had in a long time this weekend. Last year my sister and I got tickets to see Rascal Flatts in concert. Our seats last year were not great but even so, we had a blast. This year when we saw that they were returning to Las Vegas we got tickets right away. The concert was yesterday at the Mandalay Bay Events Center and it was amazing! Our seats were much better this time, we were so close to the stage and the energy was great. We had so much fun, we didn't want it to end!! And... to those of you who are country fans and watch CMT you may want to keep an eye out for their new video because yours truely may be making her television debut! They were filming segments of the concert for their new video and I had a camera on me for quite some time. I am not saying it is for sure but wouldn't that be fun??
Anyway, Rascal Flatts have some songs that are very inspirational to me and I wanted to share some lines from one of them. If you have never heard them you should definately check them out!

My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

Chorus
My wish for youIs that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything.
Chorus


It is one of my many favorites that they sing, I have to warn you though... they are country. But they are still worth a listen. I used to dislike country music very much but I can't get enough of these guys! They are extremely talented
I will let you all know if I make the cut for the music video! ;)

Some more thoughts...

I want to thank all of you that posted such kind words about Avery and her headstone. I am very pleased with the way it turned out and believe that it is the perfect memorial for my little girl. It is a place that I can go and remember her for the rest of my life so it is very important to me that it is just right. Also, a little update about my blood work, my FSH levels are normal but my estradiol levels are on the low side of normal. This may be the cause of my hot flashes. Thanks to a post, I discovered that the night sweats were actually caused by the Zoloft I had been taking. I have been off of it for over a week now and have noticed a huge difference. Thank you for helping me figure that one out. I have not been able to discuss with Dr. Sanders if these test results are good indicators of whether or not I may be able to conceive naturally. I believe it is a good sign that my cycles are regular but that doesn't necessarily guarantee that I will ovulate, which was my problem in the past. I will just keep hoping that more children are part of God's plan for Skeet and I, and try to have faith that He knows what is best for us.

Which brings me to the main reason for this post. As I sat in my church meetings this past Sunday I heard something that was extremely humbling. My Stake President spoke on the obligation of parents to their children. As parents, our duty is to "save" our children. We have the responsibility to teach them and guide them so that when they are out in the world, making their own decisions, they will be able to choose the path to The Lord. That sounds about right, I am sure most parents know that how they live their lives and what they teach their children is what will shape them as they grow. So, with tears running down my face, I sat there wondering if He thought that maybe I wouldn't have raised Avery right. Maybe He knew that I wouldn't have been able to save her so He did before I could screw up as a parent. But then, a feeling of peace came over me and I knew that-that wasn't the case at all. Avery was meant to save me. I know I have mentioned something similar before, but how humbling to realize that instead of me saving my child, she saved me. Her affect on my life also changed the way that I will raise my future children, I am more capable now of saving them than I was before.
I pray that as parents, we will always remember that our children look up to us. They watch us at all times and they learn not only from what we teach them but from what we do. We are responsible for the values and knowledge they take with them into adulthood, and if we do our best at saving them, they are more likely to choose to save their children as well.
I will be eternally grateful to my angel for saving me, for helping me in a way that no one else could. What an amazing gift.

Before I sign off for the night, I wanted to ask you all to pray for Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth. Tricia has been placed on the transplant list and activated, please pray that she will receive a new set of lungs soon. Also, pray for the possible donors and their families.

Goodnight.

Avery's Headstone

Here it is... I am very pleased with the way it turned out. It was definitely worth the wait! The first photo shows the wreath I made to mark her site until the headstone was finished. I could take it down now...but I really don't want to! :) And of course I had to have the daisies because they are my favorite flower.

Here is something you might not know, when we were making her burial arrangements and it was time to pick out a casket (I had been dreading it), we walked into the room to look at the only infant casket they had in stock and I took one look and knew it was perfect. I didn't know the price all I knew is that it was the perfect casket for my little girl, do you know why?... It had daisies on it! It was beautiful, white and it had daisies carved into both the top and the sides. I found out after that it even came with daisy seeds for me to plant in memory of her as well as a small bear named Daisy that she was buried with. The Lord must have known that I was unable to handle the stress of picking out the box in which my beautiful daughter would be buried so He made it very easy for me.

It's In!

I visited the cemetery today (like I always do on Mondays) and to my surprise, they had put Avery's headstone in sometime between Saturday afternoon and this afternoon. It looks so beautiful! I am so happy to finally have it in. I will post pictures soon!

It is starting again!

After 4 months of hot flashes and night sweats I decided it was time to ask Dr. Sanders if there might be something wrong with me. He suggested a blood test to see what my hormone levels look like. He thinks there may be something wrong with my ovaries! It's only February and I am already having medical problems. I was hoping to at least make it to June or July without having to have any blood drawn. I also talked to Dr. S about my cycles, which have been regular over the past 3 months. That is the first time in my life that I have not had to take some sort of birth control or medication to have a regular cycle 2 or more months in a row. He sounded very optimistic and told me that I should start using the ovulation predictor tests to see if I am now able to ovulate. How great would it be if we didn't have to do IVF again? Nothing against Dr. D and his staff, but it would be nice to do it like most people do and maybe even have it be a surprise! I went out the next day and had my blood drawn then I went to the store, got my prenatal vitamins refilled and purchased a ovulation predictor kit. It won't do us much good this month with Skeet being away but I will be prepared next month!
I made the mistake of wandering past the nursery when I was at the hospital getting my blood drawn. There was a beautiful little baby girl in the window and for the first time since Avery was born I felt like I am ready to try for another baby. I knew that it was time. I am not sure I will be able to convince Skeet that it is time but in my heart I know that I am meant to be a mother and I shouldn't be putting it off. I miss my Avery, I wish so badly that I could see her everyday, hold her, hear her cry and smell her soft skin, but I can't. Not yet anyway. It was really hard to see that little baby girl in the window but I am glad I took the detour.
I saw Avery's headstone the other day, it hasn't been put in yet but I drove past the memorial office and saw it sitting out back. I knew it was Avery's because of the inscription I had put on the back. I wish the snow would stop and the ground would thaw so that we could have it put in. I will take pictures when it does finally go in so that I can share it with all of you.
I will let you know what I hear back about my blood tests. I am praying that he will tell me that everything is fine and my hormones are finally normal! The new job is going great! I really love it in this department and everyone has been really friendly and welcoming. I have made a decision about my future that I am very excited about, in about a year and a half I will be transferring to another school so that I can finish up in another field. Instead of Business Management I would like to do Radiology and specialize in ultrasounds/sonograms. I have a few general education classes to finish before I can be accepted into the program but I am so excited to get started. I feel like it is something that I can really enjoy doing and that I can possibly help others. What a great job, to be able to share in other people's happiness and also to be able to comfort and relate to those that get difficult news. After having had to work with some very cold people when we found out about Avery's condition, I know that I could make a difference to people in a situation like that.
Well I have written enough today. I will post news as I get it!

Sharing time

I have been playing with some pictures of our wedding day. Thought I would share them with you all! We were married on September 27, 2003 at the Willow Glen Inn in Enoch, UT. Isn't my husband handsome? What a hottie!


These are some pictures from Avery's birthday




Me and my mom




Avery and her Aunt Charise



Avery and her Grandpa Frank






Avery's cousin Jacie




My beautiful Angel

I guess that is enough for tonight...

I started my new job this past Monday. I cannot believe how much of a difference it is making already. The atmosphere in my new department is so friendly and quiet. I can finally look forward to going to work again, it is truly refreshing.
We still haven' t heard back from the genetics specialist, I still don't know if I even really care but I feel like I need to get an answer before we start our next round of In Vitro. Also, I called about Avery's headstone this week. I was told that if the weather stayed nice the ground may thaw enough to get it in by the end of the week... then it snowed... a lot. So I guess that I will have to wait longer. If it keeps snowing the way it has been it may not be in until June. I really hope not!!

It's all a matter of choice

This morning I was checking in on Nate, Tricia and Gwenyth ( http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/ ) and something Nate said really hit me. If you are reading their blog you will know what I am talking about, if you are not... you should be. He mentioned that someone had said that Satan was the one that was responsible for all they had been through. I am so sad for the person that really believes that.

We are given trials to help us to grow, to build us up and bring us closer to The Lord. Satan will try to interfere; He will use our trials to try to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. If we let Him, if we give in to Satan, we might become angered at God for allowing something bad to happen to us. We should do the opposite. We should thank the Lord for allowing us the strength to cope with whatever it is we have been handed. We should draw nearer to Him to find peace and comfort. We should NOT give Satan the satisfaction of seeing our relationship with God become weak.

When we first found out that Avery may not live I wanted to be mad at someone. I wanted to be able to put the blame on someone and at times I even thought I was being punished. Having those thoughts in my mind made it even harder for me to face what was happening. It only took a few days for me to decide to put it all in the Lord's hands. It was still hard to accept that it all was happening but the more that I believed that there was a reason, the easier it became for me to lean on Him to get through it. Now, there is no doubt in my mind that Avery is a beautiful gift that was given to me to teach me and help me grow.

My dad said something at lunch the other day that really made sense. It made me cry, but it made sense. He asked me if I ever thought that maybe Avery volunteered to forfeit her time on this earth to help her parents. That maybe she was meant to bless our lives in a way that she wouldn't have been able to if she had stayed. We could have become bitter toward God; we could have cursed him and pulled away. Instead, that beautiful little face reminds me everyday that I am extremely blessed to have had her in my life. I thank the Lord every day for her life and the blessings that it has brought into ours. Some may think that trials are the work of Satan but I believe that it is all about how you choose to view those trials and whether or not you learn and grow from them. We should all thank our Heavenly Father daily for the trials that we have been given. They are what shape us and make us who we are.

No one is more of a testament to this than Nate, Tricia and sweet little Gwenyth Rose.

New Beginnings

Since the first day I returned to work after Avery's birth I have felt like maybe it was time for me to find something else. It was hard to come back to a place so filled with drama and contention. In the department that I work there is always a fight going on, someone is gossiping about someone else. There is always someone who has been offended and isn't speaking to someone else. With all the emotions I was experiencing, working in that environment was draining me. I have always been the person in the office that is neutral. I try to stay out of the drama but somehow get dragged into it every time. I think it is because people have learned that they can come into my office and vent and I won't agree or disagree, I will just listen and smile and let them get it off their chest. What they don't know is that what they get off their chest, ends up weighing me down. This, on top of my missing and grieving Avery's passing, was making my life almost unbearable. When I wasn't on anti-depressants I was crying every day, and I was exhausted all the time. The anti-depressants help but they also make me numb to the emotions I need to feel to help me mourn my little girl. So, I would rather not have to take them but do so to make life bearable.

A little over a week ago I returned to work after a sick day and found that I had been passed over for a promotion and a raise. The person that had been promoted hadn't been here as long as I have and was actually hired to take some of my work load. That was the slap in the face I needed to start looking elsewhere. I applied for a job that very same day within the University and the next week I had an interview. Yesterday I was offered that job. I am so excited. In a way, I feel like it will be a chance for me to start over! I am sad about certain things I will leave behind but I look forward to a new atmosphere and some new faces. I am especially looking forward to a bigger paycheck!

In addition to all of this, I have been working especially hard on my spiritual growth. Never in my life have I been so enthusiastic about attending my church meetings and reading the scriptures. I have never been able to pass up temptation so easily. The things that used to drag me down in the past don't haunt me anymore. I almost feel free from all that has kept me from being the person I didn't know I have always wanted to be. My priorities have changed so much and I am especially proud of the fact that I have been doing so well at not spending money. After Avery was born I used online shopping as an outlet, it gave me something to look forward to. I would order something just so that I could look forward to receiving the package, but when the package came I had nothing left to look forward to. I have been clean for a month now! Every time I think I need to buy something I remind myself that I could be paying off our IVF debt and saving for another try.

Avery's life has blessed me in so many ways. I still wish, every day, that she could still be here with me. However, the things that I have learned and the change in my heart may have never come to pass if it weren't for my sweet baby girl. I make decisions now based on whether or not I would disappoint her or if I would make her proud. Because of her I am becoming a better person which will help me be a better mother to her brothers and/or sisters. Whether it's through another successful round of In Vitro or through adoption, I look forward to helping them about their know how special their beautiful big sister is.