Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Life Changes

Lately I have been thinking about my life, where I want it to go and whether or not I would be happy with it if it were to end tomorrow. I have been striving lately to do what I think my Heavenly Father would want me to do. I have been trying to make decisions based on how He would make the decision if He were to do it for me. I feel lost. I have felt lost for a while now but I know that something is coming, something that is going to help me find my way. Ever since Avery went Home I have wondered if that was my whole purpose in life, to carry her until it was time for her to return to her Father in Heaven. If that was my purpose, I could be okay with that because I know she was perfect. My daughter, my precious little girl, was absolutely perfect and no one can ever change that. But if my life is meant for more, I need to know how to get there.

In my church we have what is called a Patriarchal Blessing. This is where a Patriarch of the church lays his hands on your head and give you a blessing. This blessing is something that you take with you and use as a sort of road map for the rest of your life. Now it is not like a fortune teller, he doesn't attempt to tell you your future. The blessing is meant to help you as you make decisions in your life so that you don't feel lost. It is hard for me to explain because you can only get one blessing in your life and obviously, I haven't had mine yet. Most members of the church get their blessing when they are young adults preparing to enter into the world on their own. I was extremely inactive at that age so I did not even think that I wanted one at the time. In a way, I am so glad that I waited. I know that I need this blessing now, more than ever. I will not be able to share my blessing, because it is sacred and it is only for me, but this is something that I have been looking forward to for months now.

As I approach the 5 month mark since Avery's birth, I have been thinking back to that day. I don't want to forget it, I don't want to forget one second of it. I don't believe that I ever could forget but I am thinking that I may write the events of that day down in detail so that I know it will never be forgotten. I have yet to start this because of my homework load but I hope to start it soon, maybe during my 3 week break from school in May. I still miss her everyday, and when I see her photo I wonder to myself if she misses me as much as I miss her. Every time I visit her grave I tell her how much I love her and how much I am looking forward to holding her again.

I want to share another Rascal Flatts song with you that means a lot to me. This may seem cheesy but I love to listen to the words of songs, that is really how I determine how much I like the song. This song was the RF song that made me a fan, since then I have come to love most of their music.

Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

One more thing, there was a post recently on Nate's blog that made me think. Mothers were posting what they wish for Tricia, things that she gets to look forward to. I have a few things that I wish I could be doing right now...

Be awaken in the middle of a night to the sound of a crying baby
Take every chance I get to kiss my daughter and breath in her smell
Watch Skeet hold and fuss over his little girl, I know he would be wrapped around her finger
Be able to just sit and watch her sleep
See her smile for the first time
Hear her laugh and coo

These are just a few of a very long list. To all you mothers out there, cherish every moment you have with your child/children. You are very blessed.


Danette said...

Hi Candi!! I'm sorry I haven't commented before, but I honestly didn't know what to say. I am in awe of your courage and strength. I am so sorry for your loss, but want you to know that reading your blog makes me hug my daughter a little tighter and a lot more often. PLEASE write it all down!! I know that we have different birth experiences, but almost 4 years later it is sad to me that I have forgotten some of those moments...the best moments of my life!!
Take care, Candi!!
Oh and...I happen to be sitting here typing this from Park City:)

The Valiant Family Updates said...

Candi, I'm glad you posted this and I pray you feel like you have direction very soon. Remember God ALWAYS answers our prayers, it's just that He doesn't always say yes (or no) right away, sometimes He says, hard I know.

I'm also so glad you posted your tings you wish you were doing right now as a mom...I wish you were too-I pray you wll be very soon!

Another great song too!

Anonymous said...

dear candi..
i continue to read your blog and it inspires me to be a better mother and a better person.... you thoughts and words have entered my mind everyday!!
you are truly a great women!
I love the song!!

Jennifer said...

Candi and Skeet, my heart still aches for you both. I so wish your story would have turned out so that Avery could be alive and present in your everyday lives and not just alive and present in your hearts and memories. I think of you daily when I read your blog. I think of Avery too.

Tonya said...

You know, I often think how different our lives could have turned out had Knoah not of taken the first breath. How different things could have been had he not of taken the next breath Jan 6, 2007. Those moments guide me. Those moments help me stay close to God and help me stay on the road he has laid for us. It may be just me Candi, but I think Avery was your blessing. Think about it, had she of survived, would you be getting closer to God? Would you strive every waking moment to ensure you can hold Avery again? Would you become like an average mother and forget what a miracle your children are? Before Knoah, I did. I admit it, I wasn't perfect, still ain't but I now know, God has a plan. Part of that plan was to shake me and wake me up. Avery's birth I think was your awakening. I followed your story when they first told you about Avery. I saw you then and see you know, you have changed. Avery and God are both smiling upon you, leading you where you need to be. I have said it before, you are a fantastic mom! You are taking care of Avery from afar and she loves that much more because of it!! And yes, she misses you too!

Tina said...

You are such an inspiration. Your attitude towards life amazes me. That's awesome that you're thinking of getting your patriachal blessing. You'll love it. I still refer to mine all the time. It's amazing that everytime I read it I get something new out of it. Good luck with everything!