Since the first day I returned to work after Avery's birth I have felt like maybe it was time for me to find something else. It was hard to come back to a place so filled with drama and contention. In the department that I work there is always a fight going on, someone is gossiping about someone else. There is always someone who has been offended and isn't speaking to someone else. With all the emotions I was experiencing, working in that environment was draining me. I have always been the person in the office that is neutral. I try to stay out of the drama but somehow get dragged into it every time. I think it is because people have learned that they can come into my office and vent and I won't agree or disagree, I will just listen and smile and let them get it off their chest. What they don't know is that what they get off their chest, ends up weighing me down. This, on top of my missing and grieving Avery's passing, was making my life almost unbearable. When I wasn't on anti-depressants I was crying every day, and I was exhausted all the time. The anti-depressants help but they also make me numb to the emotions I need to feel to help me mourn my little girl. So, I would rather not have to take them but do so to make life bearable.
A little over a week ago I returned to work after a sick day and found that I had been passed over for a promotion and a raise. The person that had been promoted hadn't been here as long as I have and was actually hired to take some of my work load. That was the slap in the face I needed to start looking elsewhere. I applied for a job that very same day within the University and the next week I had an interview. Yesterday I was offered that job. I am so excited. In a way, I feel like it will be a chance for me to start over! I am sad about certain things I will leave behind but I look forward to a new atmosphere and some new faces. I am especially looking forward to a bigger paycheck!
In addition to all of this, I have been working especially hard on my spiritual growth. Never in my life have I been so enthusiastic about attending my church meetings and reading the scriptures. I have never been able to pass up temptation so easily. The things that used to drag me down in the past don't haunt me anymore. I almost feel free from all that has kept me from being the person I didn't know I have always wanted to be. My priorities have changed so much and I am especially proud of the fact that I have been doing so well at not spending money. After Avery was born I used online shopping as an outlet, it gave me something to look forward to. I would order something just so that I could look forward to receiving the package, but when the package came I had nothing left to look forward to. I have been clean for a month now! Every time I think I need to buy something I remind myself that I could be paying off our IVF debt and saving for another try.
Avery's life has blessed me in so many ways. I still wish, every day, that she could still be here with me. However, the things that I have learned and the change in my heart may have never come to pass if it weren't for my sweet baby girl. I make decisions now based on whether or not I would disappoint her or if I would make her proud. Because of her I am becoming a better person which will help me be a better mother to her brothers and/or sisters. Whether it's through another successful round of In Vitro or through adoption, I look forward to helping them about their know how special their beautiful big sister is.