I didn't realize until today, how long it had been since I had written down my thoughts. The holidays passed uneventfully, which I am happy about. It was almost like I had been holding my breath and was finally able to exhale once it was over. Avery was on my mind all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think I expected everyone to be the same way but they weren't. To all those around me it was just another Christmas day. Which is fine, I don't expect anyone to have the same feelings as mine. But, as Skeet and I visited Avery's grave, I couldn't help but think of what was missing this Christmas. It was something that stuck with me the whole day. I couldn't really enjoy watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts, or even watching someone open a gift from me... which is usually my favorite part of Christmas. The one gift that I gave everyone that I did enjoy watching them open was a book of Avery that I had made off of Blurb.com. It turned out beautiful, it had photos, poems and even scriptures. And even though it made everyone cry... at least it brought the spirit of Avery into everyone's heart that day.
I start this new year with a little bit of relief and a lot of apprehension. I don't know what the coming year will bring but I can only pray that it doesn't involve as much sadness, stress and especially medical bills; as the past year has. I have no regrets of the last year but I don't know if I could live it all over again unless I was guaranteed a happier outcome. I have a couple of resolutions that I have already put in place and I pray I can keep them throughout the year. The first is to have a better attitude; about people, work, school, pretty much just life in general. The second is to continue to gain a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and His Son. This will include continuing to attend church, studying the scriptures and praying daily. I would also like to at least receive my patriarchal blessing this year. My third resolution is to lose 15 pounds. I would like to be in very good shape and be healthy physically and emotionally before we try our second round of In Vitro in August. There is a huge plus to this last one too! I will get a whole new wardrobe because there is no way my pants will fit if I lose 15 lbs.!!
I am so thankful for all the new friends that I have made in the past year! I hope that I can continue to build on those friendships. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I now appreciate the true friends I have so much more. I want you all to know how proud I am to be Avery's mom, and because of that I will most likely continue to write because it helps me to stay close to her and keep you all close to her as well.
Much love and prayers,