6 Years!

Yesterday Skeet and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary! I can't believe it has been 6 years already! Time has really flown by. I can remember our first date like it was yesterday. I can remember our second date even better and the decision I made that night to move back to Cedar from Dallas so that I could marry this man!! I am so glad that I did! Of course we have had our ups and downs but we got through them together and that is the most important thing in a marriage, I think, to stick together through the good and the bad.

We have been through so much... some of which a lot of marriages wouldn't have made it through. I am so lucky to have Skeet and his strength. He keeps me grounded and reminds me that we are very blessed, even with all that we have lost. He works so hard to keep us afloat and I appreciate him for that so much!

I love you babe, more than you could ever know! Here's to the last 6 years and the many, many more to come!

Confused

A few posts ago an anonymous person left a link for a doctor in New York who specializes in endometriosis. I, having endometriosis, was curious and checked out the website. I read testimonial after testimonial about how wonderful this doctor is and how he made every single one of these women's dreams come true. Whether they were just suffering the pain or suffering both from the pain and the infertility, they only had nice things to say. (Of course no one is going to post bad things about themselves on their own website but whatever...)

So after reading through this website I found that this doctor has a different way of dealing with endometriosis. He does laporoscopic surgery but instead of using a laser he uses tiny scissors to carefully cut out the affected areas and then he repairs what needs to be repaired. According to his site this cuts down on the damage done to the tissues, especially those of the ovaries where our eggs hang out.

I wanted to know more so I sent an email hoping to get more information, and in the mean time I wanted to find out what my doctors think about this specific treatment. Now, let me take you back a bit... We ran a whole slew of tests to see if there was a reason for my past 2 failed pregnancies and all test came back normal. Dr. D then told me that he is sure my problems stems from the endometriosis. Okay, how? Well the endometriosis located close to, or on, my ovaries (he's assuming that is where it is located) and that is affecting the quality of the eggs that my ovaries produce. Making those eggs unable to develop past a certain point. When I asked him about another surgery to zap the endometriosis, he said that it would do more harm than good because the laser damages more tissue, leaving less tissue to produce eggs.
Is he right? Who knows? I trust him because has been a good doctor so far and seems to really care about his patients, about us. Plus, he seems to be genuine when he says that he is confident that we can have a successful delivery. Who wouldn't want to believe that?!

A couple of days ago, after I found out about the miracle doctor in NY, I ran into Dr. S at the hospital and used that opportunity to ask him what he thought of this miracle treatment for endometriosis. He looks confused for a moment then proceeds to tell me that-that is how they used to do surgery for endo before the laser was implemented. Hmmm... Oh and then he adds, that the surgery wouldn't do me any good because my problem is not because of endometriosis but because my ovaries produce low quality eggs (I am assuming he means because of the PCOS). I asked to make sure, told him that Dr. D said it was the endo. He didn't really answer and instead told me that if I wanted him to look into it further he would be more than happy to.

Now I am stumped! So what do I do? I email Dr. D and tell him about the amazing doc in New York that makes every pregnancy dream come true (did I say they got pregnant naturally... yea they didn't have to pay $18,000 for IVF.... don't know how much the surgery costs though..). He wrote back saying that it would not benefit me to have another surgery and IVF is my best route. Oh yea, he also told me to contact his office manager so that we could start the process. Uh Hello?!? Who said anything about starting the process... I wonder if he even knew who was emailing him. After a couple more emails, however, we cleared all that mess up. He was reminded that there is NO WAY we could do IVF right now.

But now I am confused! I can't have a baby because of the endometriosis.... I can't have a baby and it has nothing to do with the endometriosis.... which one is it? Plus, don't you think that if you have endometriosis, and it is causing infertility, miscarriages, pain, and more... wouldn't you want to get rid of it? I don't know if I even have very much of it. I do have pretty painful periods but in between I seem to be fine. Plus, when I had my first surgery back in 2005 I was told I had minimal endo. After almost 5 years I am sure I have more than I did, but we don't know how much. When you have a problem don't you try to fix it? Is it going to cause more problems if we do IVF again?

I have accepted that I have to do IVF to get pregnant. I accepted that after my failed attempts at IUIs. What I can't accept is that one doctor tells me one reason and the other tells me something different. If they don't know, then just tell me that!!

I am just a little pathetic...

I really am! I know what my doctors have told me. I know that 2 years of chlomid were unsuccessful. I know that 2 IUIs (or was it 3?) were unsuccessful. I know that I only have one tube and that it most likely does not work. I know that my cycle history has never been regular and I can go months without any bleeding. I know that Dr. S wants me to take the pill so that my cycles can be regular and so I won't have as much of a risk of cervical or uterine cancer. (I totally stopped taking them because I hate the side effects!!) However, I still obsess every month about every twinge, or every day that passes and my friend Aunt Flow doesn't show. In July I was on the pill but never got my pack refilled for August. I am now on cycle day 47 and I swear that I did ovulate around CD (cycle day) 39 or 40. I had a sore chest, pain in lower abdomen like a brick was just hanging out down there, and even a positive OPK ( I wanted to check and see if my symptoms were right). Now I know that if you ovulate as late as I did, you are not likely to get pregnant but I want to believe that a miracle could happen. Deep down I know it's almost impossible and will probably never happen but still... I obsess.

Am I crazy for obsessing? Yes I probably am... but how do you stop? I mean even with all that "I know" I still think about it all the time. I wish I could just relax and not think about what cycle day it is, or what my sore chest means, or why I felt sick to my stomach this morning. I wonder if it will ever go away? I admit that if I stayed on the pill I would probably not obsess as much but I hate being miserable, and the pill makes me miserable. I cry about everything, I hate everyone, I bloat up, I am tired all the time (okay so I am that way anyway), I feel like I am PMSing every day of the month. Who wants to live like that? Not me!! If I had to choose between the pill side effects or the crazy obsession..... I really don't know what I would rather live with.

I am sure this is an issue that I will have to discuss with my new therapist... maybe she can recommend something for my obsession. I am sure I am not the only sufferer of infertility that feels this way. In fact I know I am not. So if any of you out there have any suggestions I would LOVE to hear them!

BTW I did my first midnight shift at the hospital last night and I have to say... I will be surprised I live through this semester.

Welcome little Blake!!

Here's the latest email from Lisa! She finally has her miracle baby in her arms. I couldn't be happier for her. I know how long it has taken her to get to this point and she deserves it more than anyone I know. Congratulations Lisa & Mike!


It's a BOY!!!! Mike and I have truly been blessed and are the proud new parents of a baby boy who looks just like his Daddy with a head full of dark hair.Blake Michael Jones, September 21st, 1:44 am5lbs, 7 oz, 18.5”Blake was born at 34 weeks due to low amniotic fluid so he will have to spend time in the NICU, but he is doing great and breathing on his own.
Mom, Dad and Baby are doing great.

Still no baby

Lisa is only 50% effaced right now so they haven't induced labor yet! She doesn't think they will be able to induce until later this afternoon. However, they are monitoring Baby Jones and he/she is doing fine. The next time I update will be with good news!!

Baby Jones is on his/her way!

I received and email from Lisa this morning. Her amniotic fluid went down even lower so they are inducing her. Baby Jones will be making his/her debut soon!!

Prayers please

My friend Lisa was just admitted to the hospital because of low amniotic fluid. There is a good chance that, if her fluid levels don't go up by tomorrow morning, her baby will be born within the next couple of days. She is almost 34 weeks along so, if born this early, the baby will most likely have to spend some time in the NICU. Please keep her and her miracle rainbow baby in your prayers. After losing her triplets she doesn't really need anything else to stress or worry about.
Thanks everyone!

Counseling

Well I finally did it. I saw a counselor. I have been going back and forth on the idea ever since Avery was born. People kept suggesting it and I would brush it off, thinking that maybe this was something I could deal with on my own. Well after hitting a new low a month or so ago I called up a therapist that a friend suggested. I had to wait a couple of weeks for an appointment but finally met with her this morning.

I didn't know what to expect, and honestly I felt a little silly at first. I kept thinking, Do I really need this? Is she just going to laugh and tell me that I need to get over myself? Well she didn't laugh at me but in a way she did tell me to get over myself. She wasn't rude about it and she didn't minimize my feelings at all. She just told me that I am in a vicious cycle and I need to break out of it. I am dwelling on what I don't have and if I continue to do that I will continue to not have what I don't have. I know it sounds strange but it makes sense to me. I am so upset about losing Avery and about not being able to try again that I am constantly dwelling on that. Because I am always dwelling on that I continue to get upset when I see pregnant women and babies which makes me dwell on my loss and my anger even more. She said unless I start focusing on better things, like my blessings, I am never going to pull out of the cycle. (Mom, you were so right... what a smartie you are!)

She also suggested that I start back on Wellbutrin. I started taking this antidepressant after Avery was born but it was not available in generic form back then so I was paying $80 every month to get it filled. She said that it is now available in generic form so it will only cost me $5. This was the only antidepressant that I tolerated well because it didn't make me feel numb to any and all emotions like the others seem to do. Plus it has less side effects. She said that I have a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected before I can really start to change my attitude.

In addition to focusing on the blessings in my life, she explained that if we really want to try IVF again I need to start focusing on making it happen. I need to stop thinking about "what if it doesn't work" and just do everything and anything I can to get to a point where we can try again. I am not really sure how to even begin this. I would think that taking a second job to increase our savings or pay off our debt (from IVF #1) would be ideal but I work 8-5, because I am taking 9 credits this semester I study 2-3 hours a night, and starting tomorrow I will be volunteering at the hospital 8 hours a week. Add on top of that trying to keep my house clean (which it very rarely is these days), keeping my husband fed, and spending quality time with him and my family. I just don't have a lot of time to commit to a second job. I thought about selling something but I don't have any talents and don't have the time to develop any that could make a profit. I am at a loss (ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THIS AREA WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!) and that frustrates me a little bit. I have looked at getting grants (yes they do those for IVF) but Skeet and I make too much money (don't even get me started on that - it's ridiculous!). Dr. D is keeping me in mind for any clinical trials that they have coming up so I will continue to bug him on a monthly basis. I need to be creative I guess and try to come up with more that I can do. What I have been doing is putting everything I can into savings, collecting spare change around the house to cash in, and I signed us up for a debt management program so that we can get some of our debt paid off a little bit faster. I have thought about selling the Tahoe (that we bought before we knew we'd have to do IVF) but we are upside down in it and it is our only vehicle that we can really rely on. If we did have a baby we would need a safe vehicle to drive it around in so I am holding off on this for now. I thought about getting rid of our Internet but I need that for school, and our satellite but I am still trying to convince Skeet that he could survive without it. (We have the most basic package but he loves his Simpsons) I have gotten so much better about my shopping habits and even though I slip every now and then I usually send it back for a refund.

So, I will get started on the Wellbutrin and go back to see my therapist in a couple of weeks so start talking about the things that I can start focusing on instead of dwelling on what is missing. I am really optimistic about this and hope that I can start going to church again and going out in public without the major anxiety I get from the thought of running into a pregnant woman or new babies. She did say something that I didn't want to hear, about accepting that I might never have children and being okay with that. I can't even imagine being okay with that but I guess if I didn't have a choice I might be able to. Right now I won't think about it though. Right now I will focus on my blessings and try to have hope and faith that someday soon Skeet and I will be the parents of a healthy, living child.

I want to thank all of you out there for your generosity, your prayers and your friendship. I feel so overwhelmed with the love I have been given from those of you that read this blog. You have kept me going for so long. Thank you! Also, a special thanks to my sister, to Lisa, and to everyone else involved, you have given me a reason to have hope again. It means so much to me.

Kidnapping of Candi's Blog

Hi all!

I hope Candi doesn't just kill me for doing this but I have decided to kidnap her blog so we can let all of her friends around the world that follow her blog know that we (Lisa and I) have set up a IVF fundraising site.

We want more then anything to give Candi another chance at InVetro so that someday she can enjoy the blessing of a healthy child in her arms.

Please check out the site, if you can... make a donation or just sign the guestbook as your love and support mean just as much to Candice as anything.

The site is located at http://hopeforthehoustons.blogspot.com/ and if you feel compelled we would love to have you pass it on or post the link on your own sites.

Our goal is to raise enough money by Christmas to give Candice the best gift of all... a baby!

And while I am taking up Candi's real estate here... I want to speak for our family when I say that we thank EVERYONE who has been her for Candi through the hard times. I know that the support that you have shown has helped her get through and we are forever grateful that she has such amazing friends!

Ok. That's all you will hear from me!

Thanks
Charise

Today I am thankful for....

Antibiotics!! I have been suffering from Sinusitis and started antibiotics yesterday. My throat already feels better! Yay for prescription drugs! Especially the kind you only have to take for 3 days.

Counting my blessings

I haven't done a great job at keeping track of what I am thankful for everyday . I think of things then I don't write them down. A few things I do remember from the past week...

I am thankful for my job. I am blessed to have work, to be able to work with such great people, and to have all the benefits that go along with this job (free school!). I know there are so many people out there that are out of work and struggling to make ends meet and provide for their families. Skeet and I are very blessed to have our jobs and know that we are secure.

I am thankful for soft, cool grass. I was leaving my Spanish class the other day and my shoes were killing me. So I took a detour and walked barefoot across the grass. It felt so heavenly. It's those little things that we take for granted that, when you think about it, make life bearable. It's corny... I know that.




I am so blessed to have a home, that is mine (well really the bank's but we like to pretend it's ours). I always complain about how small our house is but honestly, I love it. When I think about having to sell it I want to cry. So I hope I don't have to anytime soon. It is a cute house and we got a killer deal on it. Plus, it's not so bad now that we have a big ( and I mean huge ) patch of grass in the back yard. It sits on a half acre of land and if we had the time and money we could have a beautiful yard. But for now, I am just so glad that we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in.




Can I tell you how much I love my dog? She is a lifesaver! She keeps me sane when I have to spend nights alone. She doesn't ever talk back and she is always happy to see me. She is so forgiving and so gentle. We couldn't ask for a better dog, seriously I think we got the best one out there! So I am thankful that we were blessed with such a sweet puppy. She's five now but she will always be my puppy. I love her!!

I only have time for one more... and I saved the best for last.

I am so thankful for little Ayden. He is such a funny kid. I just loved having him here. He made me laugh and I instantly felt better every time he was around. He is so good at giving hugs and kisses and always seemed happy to see me. I miss him and his funny jokes like "Why did the dog cross the road?" "Cause he Pooooped in his Paaaants" So cute!! He will be 3 next month and I can't believe how fast he is growing up. I wish they lived closer so that I could see him more often.

This is my favorite picture of him.

*Note* I am thankful for all my nieces and nephews but I wanted to do them each separately...

Cali Trip

I know it's been 3 weeks since our trip to California but I wanted to post some fun pics of our trip.

We met my sister, her husband and my nephew in Dana Point on Wednesday then headed to Sea World Thursday morning. After Sea World Skeet, Charise, Sean and I headed to Petco Park to see the Padres play the St. Louis Cardinals , Skeet's favorite team. He was like a little groupie, so excited to see his favorite player, Pujols. I wish we could have gotten his autograph. The game was fun... the Cardinals won 5-1. Sean even got hit by a foul ball (see my facebook page) and was able to keep the ball. Skeet was sooo jealous!

The next day we hung out at the beach. It was warm but very overcast so we didn't stay long. Our last day in Cali we visited Balboa Park in San Diego. It was neat but way too crowded.

The morning we left, Sean flew back to Philly and Charise and Ayden packed into the bus (my parent's suburban) and drove back with us to Utah for an extended visit. Our trip home was quite eventful. About an hour outside of Las Vegas the transmission on the bus went out. We were able to drive but at a max of 45 mph. We made it to St. George (very slowly) and my little bro met us there to pick up Charise and Ayden because Ayden had had enough of the car and wanted to be in "ootah" at his house. When we stopped and were waiting for little bro to show up I heard a hissing noise and looked down to see the right rear tire was flat...and getting flatter by the second. So how many men does it take to change a tire? Well in our case it took my dad, Skeet, DJ and DJ's two friends. Then we were back on the road. Skeet and I rode with my parents back to Cedar, a 30 minute drive that took us over an hour. We were glad to be home.

Skeet and I after riding the wet roller coaster at Sea World, waiting for Sean and Charise to take their turn.
Skeet and I at Coronado Island, Hotel Coronado

Ayden and his Uncle Skeet at Sea World

Shamu!!

The cute little family at the beach

A flower at Sea World

Ayden and his donut face at Sea World

Charise and Sean at the baseball game

Sean & Charise at Coronado Island, Hotel Coronado

Charise telling Ayden about the big fish.

Skeet and I at Sea World seeing the Budweiser Clydesdales

I photoshopped this one, I thought it was cool

This kid always has his tongue out.

There's the tongue again

This is Ayden surfing... and see the tongue...

Another tongue shot!

Skeet and Ayden again

Ayden and his Papa... kids have it made, they never have to walk in places like Sea World

Me and my Mama!

Flowers at the Botanical Gardens in Balboa Park. I love the twisties

Sean and Ayden riding the carousel at Balboa Park

Daddy and Ayden building sandcastles.

Blast from the past part 2

These are a few scrapbook pages I did about 9 years ago. I sucked at scrapbooking then, and I still suck. But these are fun pictures. Like I said... I loved high school. If I can find time to scan more I will share those as well.

Blast from the Past!

How long has it been since you have walked through the halls of your high school? I visited Cedar High this morning because I needed to pick up a copy of my immunization records (I need them to be able to volunteer at the hospital this semester). They are doing a lot of adding on and renovations to the building so I was sure that it would look different inside. Nope. I walked in and I started having flashbacks. It's been 5 years since I have been in the building but 10 since I have walked those hallways, but not much has changed. Yes they are adding on but what was there before still looks just about the same. I didn't get to look around as much as I would like, because I was already late for work, but the place even smelled the same.

I don't know about you all (if there is anyone left out there reading this), but I LOVED high school. It is where I came out of my shell. I went from being an awkward and shy nobody to an awkward and shy cheerleader. I know that sounds a little bit like an oxymoron but it's true. I found that as long as I was with a group, I could get up in front of a crowd and dance and cheer and not be self conscious. I loved it! It didn't bother me at all, however, that at the end of my 3 year cheerleading career, people still had no idea that I had been a cheerleader. I am not sure how anyone could have missed the tallest girl on the floor by many inches! I stood at 5'10" and I think the next tallest was 5'7", maybe 5'8", but whatever!

I loved cheer! I loved the girls I cheered with, I loved that it helped me out of my shell and made me just a little bit more outgoing. I know that I am who I am today and where I am today because of cheer. I made some great friends because of it too. I miss high school. I miss how naively innocent I was back then. I miss not knowing how cruel and unforgiving life can be sometimes. I really miss how easy it was to get so worked up and excited over the little things. They weren't so little back then, but compared to the trials in my life now... they seem so small.

It was nice to walk through those doors, and for a moment, relive all those memories. If I ever do have more children, I will make sure that they cherish their teenage years. I remember my mom telling me not to be in a hurry to grow up, I never listened to her but now I wish I had.

On a more depressing note, as I was walking out of the building all giddy from remembering the good ol' days, I passed a girl on her way to class who was probably 6 or 7 months pregnant. My buzz was immediately shot down and I wanted to cry. I started thinking... if I was told in high school that I would never be able to have a baby after the age of 18 but I could have one then, would I choose to have one? My answer, ABSOLUTELY!! It is likely that my problem probably would have prevented me from getting pregnant at a young age too so had I been sexually active in high school (which I definitely was not, and I am not just saying that because my mom reads my blog) I probably wouldn't have had to worry about birth control. I hate seeing young girls pregnant.... I want to experience pregnancy again so badly, to feel the miracle of life growing inside of me... it makes me hate that young person that I don't even know for having what I want more than anything.

Wow what a random post. Sorry about that. I do want to add one more thing though, I miss my baby and I am finally realizing that it's never going to change. I will miss her for the rest of my life and I have no control over it. It's really hard to accept that you have no control over certain feelings and emotions.

Anyway, I'll sign off now before this gets too depressing.