So I have been thinking, with the very little time that I have to think right now, and I have decided I need to change my attitude. I know it's not my fault that I can't get pregnant or that my daughter died, but it's not anyone else's fault either. Therefore, I am going to do my best at not resenting or envying pregnant women or those with babies. I will be happy for them and will push my selfish feelings aside. I can't promise that the extreme, uncontrollable desire to have a child of my own won't go away. I am just going to try to be a better person. Yes I want to be pregnant, and yes I want no one else to be pregnant until I am, but I know it doesn't work that way. So today I am changing my attitude. I am smiling at those lucky girls that are expecting, and I am asking them their due date, and I am going to be excited for them and not try to avoid them at all costs. I may even hold a baby or two. (I have only held one since Avery)
I don't want my friends and family to be scared to tell me if they are expecting or to talk about their pregnancies or kids. I love their kids... all of them and I want to spend time with them. I don't want the people that I love to feel awkward around me because of my tendency to cry every time I think about how I could be entering my 2nd trimester by now. I just hope that people who know me can be sensitive to my situation and not make comments about how I should be glad I don't have kids or how I should be glad I am not pregnant because of what a pain it is. I can only hope that in my presence they will keep those comments to themselves, unless of course they want me to start in about how blessed they are to be able to hold their children and kiss them and hug them. How they should cherish those moments. Or how I would give my left leg.... and arm to be pregnant with a healthy child. (yea I know it would be hard to balance the belly but I would make do) Those are the things that are hardest for me to deal with, when parents take their children for granted. Or when they don't realize how lucky they are to conceive naturally and to give birth to healthy children.
We are still uncertain of what the future holds for us in the baby department so I may be belly less for a while but I will be making an effort to be a better person. I promise.