Thursday, October 23, 2008

New Attitude

So I have been thinking, with the very little time that I have to think right now, and I have decided I need to change my attitude. I know it's not my fault that I can't get pregnant or that my daughter died, but it's not anyone else's fault either. Therefore, I am going to do my best at not resenting or envying pregnant women or those with babies. I will be happy for them and will push my selfish feelings aside. I can't promise that the extreme, uncontrollable desire to have a child of my own won't go away. I am just going to try to be a better person. Yes I want to be pregnant, and yes I want no one else to be pregnant until I am, but I know it doesn't work that way. So today I am changing my attitude. I am smiling at those lucky girls that are expecting, and I am asking them their due date, and I am going to be excited for them and not try to avoid them at all costs. I may even hold a baby or two. (I have only held one since Avery)

I don't want my friends and family to be scared to tell me if they are expecting or to talk about their pregnancies or kids. I love their kids... all of them and I want to spend time with them. I don't want the people that I love to feel awkward around me because of my tendency to cry every time I think about how I could be entering my 2nd trimester by now. I just hope that people who know me can be sensitive to my situation and not make comments about how I should be glad I don't have kids or how I should be glad I am not pregnant because of what a pain it is. I can only hope that in my presence they will keep those comments to themselves, unless of course they want me to start in about how blessed they are to be able to hold their children and kiss them and hug them. How they should cherish those moments. Or how I would give my left leg.... and arm to be pregnant with a healthy child. (yea I know it would be hard to balance the belly but I would make do) Those are the things that are hardest for me to deal with, when parents take their children for granted. Or when they don't realize how lucky they are to conceive naturally and to give birth to healthy children.

We are still uncertain of what the future holds for us in the baby department so I may be belly less for a while but I will be making an effort to be a better person. I promise.

9 comments:

Amy Jo said...

Candi, you were NEVER a bad person. Having those feelings is totally normal and a part of your healing. I know when the time is right, you will take your very own baby home with you. Congrats, though, on your "new attitude!"

Danielle said...

I'm not sure if I've ever posted, but I have been reading your blog forever now...I've never lost a child, so I won't even begin to imagine the pain you've endured, but I have lost 3 pregnancies, and have had many difficulties becoming pregnant in the first place. It is perfectly normal to feel upset when you see other people pregnant, or hear someone make negative comments towards their children. Please don't feel badly about it! I remember when we lost one of ours a friend totally forgetting, and after finding out his wife was pregnant saying "oh and when are you guys due??" We had to explain that we had lost the baby a few weeks prior. Even now, with Peyton (she has Achondroplasia), people all the time say things like "oh, she's so petite" or worry that their child is so short, has a big head, or something of the like and I have to smile and bite my lip while inside I'm so frustrated. Anyways...sorry to ramble on. I just wanted to say you are totally justified in feeling the way that you do, but I admire your strength in having a new attitude! I think you are a very strong woman with all you've been through, and I know you will be a great mom sometime soon. :) And Avery's pictures are just beautiful (in case I've never said so before).
Take Care,
Danielle

Clare Dungey said...

Wow Candi, what a great attitude - an inspiration for me this week that I really need - thank you!

Will keep praying for you Sweetie.

Love Clare xx

NEILANDSHALON said...

CANDI- YOU ARE AMAZING!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! YOU ARE TRULY ONE OF MY FEW HEROS!! THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!! "GO! FIGHT!! WIN!!!" - WITH YOUR "NEW ATTITUDE!!" (NOT THAT IT HAS EVER BEEN BAD) LOVE YOU!!

Jason & Michele said...

Candi, Changing your attitude toward other pregnant girls (and girls w/ babies)will not be easy, but it can be done and is so worth it. I was FINALLY to that point (and had been for a year or two) when I miraculously got pregnant. Go figure. I feel like that was the Lord's trial for me. I had to be okay with my own destiny. Good Luck Candi. You'll feel so much relief when that burden is gone. I feel your pain, girl. ~Michele

Mari Burgess said...

You are amazing. Amazing

Charise said...

Candi... Yea for you! Im really proud of you for just making the statement. I cant imagine how hard it is for you to see others with what you want the most. I even get upset when I see Moms that treat their kids bad because I know how good of a Mom you will be. Ayden and I miss you tons and cant wait to see you soon.

Here Ayden wants to type you something....

hhhrfuj xsdd > translation... Love you aunt Candi

Cya

Beth said...

It's hard, isn't it? It can be so hard to be happy for others. There's another teacher at the school where I work who is pregnant, and since I barely know her because she's new this year, when I see her I just want to turn and walk the other way. I think your new attitude is great and we should all try to be like that. :)

Thanks for commenting on my blog, by the way.

Clarissa said...

I hope you don't mind that I am reading your blog. I just wanted to let you know how touched I was when I read your story about Avrey. It has allowed me to be more grateful for my own sweet kids, so Thank you!! I can't immagine what you're going through. You are SUCH a strong woman!! You will be in my prayers, and I know someday you will have everything you've ever wanted if you stay close to our Heavenly Father. I thought your pictures of Avery were just beautiful!