This weekend my new nephew, Austin, was blessed. He is a little over a week old and his father had to return to Iraq yesterday so they did his blessing on Saturday. I was scared of how I would react. Most of the time I can tell myself that I will be okay, that it won't be hard and I won't break down. But then, when the time actually comes I lose it. Well this time I didn't lose it. I was able to hold that sweet little boy and it didn't feel unnatural or wrong as it has in the past. He is so precious and honestly, I am so proud of myself. It wasn't easy though, as I sat there holding him, examining his tiny little hands and nose, I was overcome with sadness because I want so badly to have my own.
I remember holding my own child and knowing that she would not move, not open her eyes, not take a breath. But how I wished for all those things to happen. Now, a year later I sat holding this little boy who was squirming and yawning and who even jumped when I spoke to loud, and the ache in my heart and my arms to hold a healthy child of my own has intensified. No child will ever replace my Avery but my need to be a mother will never go away. Unfortunately we will not be able to use our last two embryos for a while. It is much too expensive and would be careless of us to use all of our savings for a cycle when the economy is so unstable. So I will have to wait until May, which seems like an eternity when you know its the only thing that might dull the pain. I just pray that I will make it through the next 7 months in one piece.
In the mean time I will be doing my best to get as close to my pre-marriage weight as I possibly can. I know after having a baby my body will never be the same but I can try. I started the South Beach Diet again this morning and the next two weeks are going to be hell for me. I remember the last time I went on the diet which was about 4 years ago, I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks but I cried everyday because I had no energy. Cutting all sugars and carbs out of your diet is a lot harder than I ever expected. I spent a lot of money to make sure I had food in the house that I can eat and even bought some sugar free treats to keep myself sane, so hopefully I can stick it out. The first phase is the hardest so if I can just get through these first two weeks I think the rest will be much easier. My goal weight is 140 which is 5 lbs more than I was when I got married so I am not making it too impossible. Wish me luck!!