Monday, October 27, 2008

I did it!

This weekend my new nephew, Austin, was blessed. He is a little over a week old and his father had to return to Iraq yesterday so they did his blessing on Saturday. I was scared of how I would react. Most of the time I can tell myself that I will be okay, that it won't be hard and I won't break down. But then, when the time actually comes I lose it. Well this time I didn't lose it. I was able to hold that sweet little boy and it didn't feel unnatural or wrong as it has in the past. He is so precious and honestly, I am so proud of myself. It wasn't easy though, as I sat there holding him, examining his tiny little hands and nose, I was overcome with sadness because I want so badly to have my own.

I remember holding my own child and knowing that she would not move, not open her eyes, not take a breath. But how I wished for all those things to happen. Now, a year later I sat holding this little boy who was squirming and yawning and who even jumped when I spoke to loud, and the ache in my heart and my arms to hold a healthy child of my own has intensified. No child will ever replace my Avery but my need to be a mother will never go away. Unfortunately we will not be able to use our last two embryos for a while. It is much too expensive and would be careless of us to use all of our savings for a cycle when the economy is so unstable. So I will have to wait until May, which seems like an eternity when you know its the only thing that might dull the pain. I just pray that I will make it through the next 7 months in one piece.

In the mean time I will be doing my best to get as close to my pre-marriage weight as I possibly can. I know after having a baby my body will never be the same but I can try. I started the South Beach Diet again this morning and the next two weeks are going to be hell for me. I remember the last time I went on the diet which was about 4 years ago, I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks but I cried everyday because I had no energy. Cutting all sugars and carbs out of your diet is a lot harder than I ever expected. I spent a lot of money to make sure I had food in the house that I can eat and even bought some sugar free treats to keep myself sane, so hopefully I can stick it out. The first phase is the hardest so if I can just get through these first two weeks I think the rest will be much easier. My goal weight is 140 which is 5 lbs more than I was when I got married so I am not making it too impossible. Wish me luck!!


Amy Jo said...

Good for you! And, May will be here before you know it. Lots of time to get prepared. Good luck with the "diet" although it really doesn't seem that you need to be on one! I think you look great. I've been blaming my extra pounds on Sam....but now that he's 14, I guess I shouldn't do that anymore! Best of luck and keep us posted.

Tina said...

Good luck! Loosing weight is so hard. I'm actually in that fight with you right now - and all for the pregnancy thing!

Anonymous said...

You don't know me but I like following your blog. I pray for you often. I know what it's like to want a baby so bad it hurts. If I had the money I would give it to you to try again. But sadly, I don't but God knows what will happen and His timing is perfect. You will have a child to raise someday!



Amy said...

Congratulations on making it through the blessing!
Based on your pictures it is hard to imagine that you need to lose weight!
That said, I am just back at my pre-pregnancy weight (still going up and down a little, but I can fit my jeans), and it feel so good to fit into my normal clothes. I hope that South Beach will go well and you can get back to where you feel comfortable. I think that it has really helped me to have one thing about my body that I can influence.