So my mom thinks that my blog is a little bit depressing lately... I would have to agree. So we made a deal, she is going to keep a blessing (or "things I am thankful for") journal and I am going to use my blog for the same. I won't update daily but will keep a journal and then once or twice a week update my blog. So... starting today I am going to think of one thing a day that I am thankful for. I know I have been blessed in so many ways and I need to stop focusing on the less than happy things that have been happening lately and start focusing on how very fortunate I am.
So to start things off....
Today, I am thankful for.... My Mom. For this wonderful idea but also for all that she does for me. She listens to all my rants. She laughs with me and she cries with me. She keeps me grounded when I start to let things get to me. She is an amazing mom and the bestest friend. I love her so much and I am so glad that I am her daughter and that we have such a good relationship. Thank you Mom!!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
I'm still here!
I know I have been slacking on keeping my blog updated. I guess there's just not much I want to say right now. We did just get back from a mini-vaca in California with my parents, and my sister and her family. Charise and Ayden drove back with us to Utah (that story is for another post) and will be here for another week so I have been trying to spend as much time with them as I can. School also started this week so I have been busy doing homework too. It's going to be a long semester, I can tell already. Especially if I start volunteering at the hospital soon, I don't see me having any free time for the next few months.
How am I doing emotionally? Honestly I don't know. I am getting really good at shoving my emotions deep down inside and putting on a smile for everyone around me. School has been good to take my mind off of things but when I do have a free minute my mind always goes to Avery, and the babies we may never have. I just keep thinking that if I knew the reason, if Heavenly Father could tell me just one reason why we can't have a baby right now, maybe I could handle it better. I know this sounds awful but if I knew that my life would be cut short and I would leave a child motherless then I could be okay with not having one at all. Or if I knew that the world was going to go to pot (I still have hope that it won't) I might be okay with not having another baby. I am sure I could come up with a lot of reasons why I would be okay with not having a baby but unless I know for sure I am still going to feel cheated and bitter about our situation. My bishop told me that I need to be praying for the ability to accept what we have been given but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be a childless mother. I don't want to be okay with it.
I read about babies being beaten or neglected and it makes me sick to my stomach. I would have gladly taken that child, loved it and given it the home that it deserved. Instead, that child had to suffer. I can keep telling myself that there has to be a reason but it doesn't really give me any comfort. I am angry now because I can't even look at pictures of Avery without becoming upset. I never wanted to feel that way. She doesn't make me upset but the situation does. I miss her so much and I want to be able to look at her sweet face and not want to hit something. I wonder how long it's going to last.
Sorry. I know I am a huge downer. I know that I need a major attitude adjustment. I promise I am trying but I can't seem to get it together. I am sure it is something that will come with time. I will try to keep myself busy and maybe one day I will wake up and I will feel better. I hope that day comes soon.
There is one thing lately that has brought some sunshine into my life and that is my little buddy Ayden. He always makes me smile. He is getting so big and he is so smart! I love talking to him and watching him follow his Papa around. When I am around him my smiles and laughter are real. He is such a funny little boy. I am going to miss him so much when they go back to Philly in a week.
When I can get my computer to allow me to upload photos, I will share details about our trip to Dana Pointe.
How am I doing emotionally? Honestly I don't know. I am getting really good at shoving my emotions deep down inside and putting on a smile for everyone around me. School has been good to take my mind off of things but when I do have a free minute my mind always goes to Avery, and the babies we may never have. I just keep thinking that if I knew the reason, if Heavenly Father could tell me just one reason why we can't have a baby right now, maybe I could handle it better. I know this sounds awful but if I knew that my life would be cut short and I would leave a child motherless then I could be okay with not having one at all. Or if I knew that the world was going to go to pot (I still have hope that it won't) I might be okay with not having another baby. I am sure I could come up with a lot of reasons why I would be okay with not having a baby but unless I know for sure I am still going to feel cheated and bitter about our situation. My bishop told me that I need to be praying for the ability to accept what we have been given but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be a childless mother. I don't want to be okay with it.
I read about babies being beaten or neglected and it makes me sick to my stomach. I would have gladly taken that child, loved it and given it the home that it deserved. Instead, that child had to suffer. I can keep telling myself that there has to be a reason but it doesn't really give me any comfort. I am angry now because I can't even look at pictures of Avery without becoming upset. I never wanted to feel that way. She doesn't make me upset but the situation does. I miss her so much and I want to be able to look at her sweet face and not want to hit something. I wonder how long it's going to last.
Sorry. I know I am a huge downer. I know that I need a major attitude adjustment. I promise I am trying but I can't seem to get it together. I am sure it is something that will come with time. I will try to keep myself busy and maybe one day I will wake up and I will feel better. I hope that day comes soon.
There is one thing lately that has brought some sunshine into my life and that is my little buddy Ayden. He always makes me smile. He is getting so big and he is so smart! I love talking to him and watching him follow his Papa around. When I am around him my smiles and laughter are real. He is such a funny little boy. I am going to miss him so much when they go back to Philly in a week.
When I can get my computer to allow me to upload photos, I will share details about our trip to Dana Pointe.
Monday, August 17, 2009
In Loving Memory...
Today and tomorrow are very special, but very difficult days for my friend Lisa. Lisa's triplets, Michael, Alex and Faith, were born too soon last year. Please remember Lisa and her family this week in your prayers. You can visit her blog at http://jonestripletangels.blogspot.com/ .
Lisa knows all about my infertility struggles because she has been there, many more times than I have, and I feel like I can talk to her and she truly understands. I am so glad to have found her and for the friendship we share although the circumstances under which we met are so very sad. Lisa, I am thinking of your sweet babies and praying for you and your family. **Hugs**
Lisa knows all about my infertility struggles because she has been there, many more times than I have, and I feel like I can talk to her and she truly understands. I am so glad to have found her and for the friendship we share although the circumstances under which we met are so very sad. Lisa, I am thinking of your sweet babies and praying for you and your family. **Hugs**
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Can I scream now?
So I just need a vent post... I had all those tests done to find out if there was a reason why I had miscarried after both of my FETs. My insurance covered a big portion of it but the other day I found out that we will have to cover about $1000. This will be added to the money that I am still paying on the awful Dr. G (see here) and possibly the $800 that we are going to have to pay for Skeet's test to diagnose his Hemachromatosis. I am so sick of doctors and insurance and my ever expanding debt... I WANT TO SCREAM!!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary to my little brother and sister-in-law. They were married 4 years ago today and were the last in our little group to get married. I don't know if I have mentioned it on here before but my 2 brothers are married to Skeet's 2 sisters. DJ and Syd (who are celebrating their anniversary today) started dating before Skeet and I but didn't get married until almost 2 years after we did. They are the cutest couple and I just adore them!! I love you guys!
This is the only picture I have of them together at the moment (I need to do something about that) but this is at my wedding and that is my beautiful mom with them. They were so young here, this was almost 6 years ago!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Financing
Dr. D's office just called and offered us some financing options if we wanted to do another fresh cycle. Just to give you an idea... this is them being generous. They are being so generous because of our loss of Avery and our two failed FETs.
Amount due at trial transfer (where they measure length of uterus- done a week or two before egg retrieval) -$7400
Amount due every month for next year - $366.67
Amount for anesthesia - approx $500
Amount for meds - between $3000-$6000
Cost includes 3 total transfers ( so if we had embryos to freeze he would do 2 additional transfers for free)
Total approximate cost - $18,292
This number does not include any additional testing if that might be needed. It also does not include lodging if we ever have to stay overnight, gas for traveling back and forth for appointments, meals while we are in Las Vegas, and of course it doesn't cover the $500 a year fee for storing any frozen embryos. There is also the cost of having blood tests run here in cedar as well as ultrasounds done by Dr. S. Or, if we chose to ship the blood the cost would cover the blood tests but not the shipping. (These tests are often done every other day or every few days for many weeks)
I have kindly thanked them for their generous offer and told them that maybe in a couple of years we will be able to afford it and will contact them then. Although, it doesn't seem likely that the offer will stand in a couple of years. I just wanted to give you all an idea of what we are facing if we want to try to get me pregnant again. Just think... the most that some people spend might be $15 for a bottle of wine or maybe even $100 for a hotel room. Most people, however, would just get busy at home or in the back seat of a car and PRESTO! in nine months they get to take home a precious little baby to love and cherish. Half or more of those people probably didn't even want to get knocked up in the first place.
So you can see why I am sad, depressed, bitter, angry, confused, upset, emotional, frustrated, anxious, sick, disappointed, unsure, etc., etc. Do you really blame me?
Can I say it again?..... IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!
Amount due at trial transfer (where they measure length of uterus- done a week or two before egg retrieval) -$7400
Amount due every month for next year - $366.67
Amount for anesthesia - approx $500
Amount for meds - between $3000-$6000
Cost includes 3 total transfers ( so if we had embryos to freeze he would do 2 additional transfers for free)
Total approximate cost - $18,292
This number does not include any additional testing if that might be needed. It also does not include lodging if we ever have to stay overnight, gas for traveling back and forth for appointments, meals while we are in Las Vegas, and of course it doesn't cover the $500 a year fee for storing any frozen embryos. There is also the cost of having blood tests run here in cedar as well as ultrasounds done by Dr. S. Or, if we chose to ship the blood the cost would cover the blood tests but not the shipping. (These tests are often done every other day or every few days for many weeks)
I have kindly thanked them for their generous offer and told them that maybe in a couple of years we will be able to afford it and will contact them then. Although, it doesn't seem likely that the offer will stand in a couple of years. I just wanted to give you all an idea of what we are facing if we want to try to get me pregnant again. Just think... the most that some people spend might be $15 for a bottle of wine or maybe even $100 for a hotel room. Most people, however, would just get busy at home or in the back seat of a car and PRESTO! in nine months they get to take home a precious little baby to love and cherish. Half or more of those people probably didn't even want to get knocked up in the first place.
So you can see why I am sad, depressed, bitter, angry, confused, upset, emotional, frustrated, anxious, sick, disappointed, unsure, etc., etc. Do you really blame me?
Can I say it again?..... IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Answers
I have had a lot of people ask me if I have given certain options any thought. I thought I would do a quick post to answer these questions.
Donor Eggs - yes this is always a possibility but still costs money and probably more than using my own eggs would. I am still torn on this one because of the idea of the child I am carrying only being Skeet's and a strangers. Is that something you tell your child? Right now I don't know if like this idea but it changes daily.
Surrogate - There is nothing wrong with my uterus. My eggs wouldn't be any better with someone else carrying them than they are with me so a surrogate really isn't a good option for us. Plus the whole reason I did IVF in the first place is because I wanted to be able to carry a child. It is something that I have always wanted to experience. I know that I experienced it with Avery but the end result was not ideal and I would love a second chance. This option also costs more than we can even imagine paying.
Foster Care- I love this idea... however I would need to start with babies and in order for the state to allow anyone under 3 or 4 into your home, one parent needs to be home all day. With the debt we have racked up from doing IVF and finishing our back yard there is no chance that I could ever quit my job to stay at home with foster kids. We just couldn't afford it. I know they pay you but it's not really enough to replace my income.
Adoption through LDS Family Services - This would be ideal but Skeet and I don't meet the requirements to use this service and we may never. That is all I will say about that.
Adoption - Although the entire process scares the life out of me, I would do this in a heartbeat if we had the money to. It would be ideal if I met a woman on the street who wanted to find a family for her baby and it was all done privately (because that costs a lot less) but that isn't likely to happen.
Basically our problem is not really deciding what to do right now... it is having the funds to do anything. I am working on getting some of our debt taken care of but it might take a couple of years and I don't want to accrue any more in the mean time. Why is it that people who are well off can get pregnant in the blink of an eye but those of us who are just average can only have a baby if we can come up with loads of cash?? Doesn't seem fair right? There should be some kind of rule in place that rich people have to pay for babies... and us not-so-rich people don't have to! In an ideal world... no one would have to pay money to get a baby. If a baby needed a home a couple would go through a screening process and then they would get to take that baby home and love it and care for it. Oh I shouldn't even get started.... but seriously, if I have to give up all my money for a baby... how am I supposed to send it to college? Just a thought.
Donor Eggs - yes this is always a possibility but still costs money and probably more than using my own eggs would. I am still torn on this one because of the idea of the child I am carrying only being Skeet's and a strangers. Is that something you tell your child? Right now I don't know if like this idea but it changes daily.
Surrogate - There is nothing wrong with my uterus. My eggs wouldn't be any better with someone else carrying them than they are with me so a surrogate really isn't a good option for us. Plus the whole reason I did IVF in the first place is because I wanted to be able to carry a child. It is something that I have always wanted to experience. I know that I experienced it with Avery but the end result was not ideal and I would love a second chance. This option also costs more than we can even imagine paying.
Foster Care- I love this idea... however I would need to start with babies and in order for the state to allow anyone under 3 or 4 into your home, one parent needs to be home all day. With the debt we have racked up from doing IVF and finishing our back yard there is no chance that I could ever quit my job to stay at home with foster kids. We just couldn't afford it. I know they pay you but it's not really enough to replace my income.
Adoption through LDS Family Services - This would be ideal but Skeet and I don't meet the requirements to use this service and we may never. That is all I will say about that.
Adoption - Although the entire process scares the life out of me, I would do this in a heartbeat if we had the money to. It would be ideal if I met a woman on the street who wanted to find a family for her baby and it was all done privately (because that costs a lot less) but that isn't likely to happen.
Basically our problem is not really deciding what to do right now... it is having the funds to do anything. I am working on getting some of our debt taken care of but it might take a couple of years and I don't want to accrue any more in the mean time. Why is it that people who are well off can get pregnant in the blink of an eye but those of us who are just average can only have a baby if we can come up with loads of cash?? Doesn't seem fair right? There should be some kind of rule in place that rich people have to pay for babies... and us not-so-rich people don't have to! In an ideal world... no one would have to pay money to get a baby. If a baby needed a home a couple would go through a screening process and then they would get to take that baby home and love it and care for it. Oh I shouldn't even get started.... but seriously, if I have to give up all my money for a baby... how am I supposed to send it to college? Just a thought.
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