Wednesday, November 26, 2008

To be thankful

It is always so easy to be thankful for the obvious things; your family, friends, home, health, job, religion, etc. I am thankful for all of those things. I have an amazing family. My husband is the love of my life and I don't know what I would do without him. I am so thankful to have a job and a nice warm home. I am thankful for the gospel, for its teachings and the blessings that come with it. I am so thankful for my daughter, for the things that her life taught me and for the love I still feel, and will forever feel, for her. I could go on and on.

I have to say that this year I am especially thankful for an anonymous person that gave us an amazing gift. One I would never have asked for and would never expect and I hope that person knows how much it means to me. I will never forget that act of kindness, and I hope that something truly miraculous comes of it.

For all the things I am thankful for there are some things that, no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a reason to be thankful for. In church last Sunday a speaker told a story about being thankful for our thorns. Of course it is easy to be thankful for the roses, the good times and the wonderful things we have and experience. But what about the thorns? The things in our life that hurt us but at the same time teach us something or help us to grow into a stronger, better person? Today I don't have the strength to be thankful for my thorns. Today I found out that yet another fertility treatment failed. This time it was an IUI, which we have never tried before. I thought that it had worked. I had convinced myself that our luck had finally changed, even my doctor seemed pretty confident that I would soon be announcing my pregnancy. But today I was told otherwise. It didn't work, there will be no announcement, there will be no August baby.

I know that God has a reason to put Skeet and I through all of this pain, I just wish I could know it now so that it wouldn't hurt so bad. As the time passes the aching of empty arms just gets worse. The absence of a baby's cry or giggle is so excruciatingly noticeable in our home. The hope that we will ever have another child of our own is fading away and despair is taking it's place. I am still working on finding a way to be thankful for these things. I will be the first to admit that I am the most imperfect person I know, but I do try. Sometimes trying just isn't enough. I know it's only been a year since we buried our daughter but it seems like an eternity since I held my daughter in my arms. When do you say, I just can't take any more disappointment? What is worse, the pain of a lifetime of empty arms or the pain of disappointment time and time again?

I know that we should start looking into adoption, but the cost of adoption is high and there is a high risk of disappointment in that as well. How do I know it won't be just as bad? We still have years before the IVF procedure is paid off and cannot even think about adoption until the debt is paid. So adoption is still a few years off. How do I cope until then?

I feel so lost, and so ungrateful. I feel like I am letting my Heavenly Father down because I am not thankful enough for EVERYTHING. I know He loves me and has a plan for me. I just need to figure out how to be thankful for my thorns.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry. That sucks, and the idea of having to wait before you can proceed sucks even more. I'm hoping you still have a few more IUI cycles before you really have to give up. It might be helpful to think that there are just as many people successful with their 2nd IUI than people who succeeded with the 1st. My thoughts are with you on this tough holiday.

Amy Jo said...

Candi, I just wish I could give you a hug! Your feelings are valid and it doesn't make you an ungrateful person at all. It is normal to feel that way with all you have been through over the last couple of years. Don't beat yourself up. In time, things will turn around. Until then, know that you have friends and family that love you, pray for you and want the best for you. (And, I'm one of those people!) I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving. I'll be thinking of you!

mandymomof2 said...

Just a note to let you know that I think of you and your family often. You are constantly in my prayers.
I don't think that you have any reason to feel guilty about how you feel.
Praying for you through this Holiday.

Tiffany said...

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think all of your feeling are very justified. I am feeling the same way. Infertility and the loss of a child are the two things people say they wouldn't want to happen to them. Well I as well as you are having to deal with them. It is sure a test of your sanity. I am thankful for what I do have but the what I don't have overpowers.

Clare Dungey said...

Oh honey, I'm so disappointed for you. It is so hard to be patient when your hopes keep being dashed. Just remember God knows the whole picture for us mums with empty arms - we just have to trust that he knows best and wants good things for us.

So sorry I haven't been in touch for a while - job still not letting me have a life!

Keep reminising on the holiday to America and missing all you guys!

Will be intouch soon I promise.

Love Clare xx

Lindsay-Weaver said...

I don't know if this is an option, or if you've even considered it, but what about becoming a foster parent? It may help you earn some extra money (to save for IVF, or adoption), and you seem to be such a sweet person with a big heart. There are so many little kids out there that need that in their lives. I, too, am on fertility treatments and have been for over a year. It's emotional to have to do BBT charts and take fertility medication, and have my period come early. I try to have a good attitude, but it's hard not having it work. It's hard to think I might have to spend a ton of $ on IVF to have it fail, too. I've thought about doing foster care, but I work full-time, so don't really know if it would be an option for me. (It might not be for you, either.)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the post, The gift was for you and yes, I do know you appreciate it, I know that you would never ask for it in a million years and it probably did much more for me because it gave me the chance to contribute. I know I can't take away the hurt, I know I can't take away the heartache, so what I did I did because it was all I could do. Its OK to be unsure of the trial, you don't need to apologise for feeling that way, Its so hard to be able to see his will when it hurts like it does. I think you're handling it incredibly well. Happy Thanksgiving. God Bless

The Schexnayders said...

Oh Candi, you know my heart aches for you just like the rest of the family. We all want you to be happy so badly. I KNOW that you will be a Mom. I dont know what it will look like but I know for a fact that it will happen. Lets just keep praying and dont give up ok sweetie...

Bree & Joey said...

Girl, You have every right to feel the way you do. I do not believe that God holds you accountable for the bad feelings that you feel. He understands. YOu are a truly strong and amazing person. I just want you to know that you give my strength every time I read your blogs. You are a very special person!!!


amy f. said...

Candi, thank you so much for commenting on my blog on my daughter's special day. We did honor her and it truly was a good day.

I'm so glad I checked in on your site. I know I've been on it a couple of times this past year, but I lost it and am thankful that I've found it again.

I am SO sorry about everything you are facing right now. Losing a baby is hard enough (I know), but to add infertility on top of it and being told there's nothing that can be done?! I can't begin to imagine that pain. Why??!!

I blogged a little bit about this topic today...worshiping the Lord through your struggles, even more because of your trials, etc. I know it's what He wants us to do, what we're supposed to do and that we'll be rewarded and learn why SOMEday, but how hard is that?! How much easier said than done when you're living it and feel like you just cannot take another blow.

I don't have any answers. I just know He says in Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know it's hard to swallow... He does have your future planned out, but it may not be what you originally pictured for yourself. WE had our futures planned out, didn't we? We were both going to have 1 year old girls in our homes right now, just starting to walk. But our ways are not His ways. Oh is that hard...when the dreams for your family get altered. But, I just know that He is not going to let you down. If you have faith in Him, He will grow your family in some capacity. He will do it, I know it.

I have a lot of fear myself. I don't know what He has in store for our family. I definitely don't feel like it is complete. I certainly have my dreams and ideals for us. I can't fathom how my story is going to turn out either, but I've got to remember that He wants the best for my life and my family. And that in the end, He will not let me down.

I am praying hard for you tonight!