It is always so easy to be thankful for the obvious things; your family, friends, home, health, job, religion, etc. I am thankful for all of those things. I have an amazing family. My husband is the love of my life and I don't know what I would do without him. I am so thankful to have a job and a nice warm home. I am thankful for the gospel, for its teachings and the blessings that come with it. I am so thankful for my daughter, for the things that her life taught me and for the love I still feel, and will forever feel, for her. I could go on and on.
I have to say that this year I am especially thankful for an anonymous person that gave us an amazing gift. One I would never have asked for and would never expect and I hope that person knows how much it means to me. I will never forget that act of kindness, and I hope that something truly miraculous comes of it.
For all the things I am thankful for there are some things that, no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a reason to be thankful for. In church last Sunday a speaker told a story about being thankful for our thorns. Of course it is easy to be thankful for the roses, the good times and the wonderful things we have and experience. But what about the thorns? The things in our life that hurt us but at the same time teach us something or help us to grow into a stronger, better person? Today I don't have the strength to be thankful for my thorns. Today I found out that yet another fertility treatment failed. This time it was an IUI, which we have never tried before. I thought that it had worked. I had convinced myself that our luck had finally changed, even my doctor seemed pretty confident that I would soon be announcing my pregnancy. But today I was told otherwise. It didn't work, there will be no announcement, there will be no August baby.
I know that God has a reason to put Skeet and I through all of this pain, I just wish I could know it now so that it wouldn't hurt so bad. As the time passes the aching of empty arms just gets worse. The absence of a baby's cry or giggle is so excruciatingly noticeable in our home. The hope that we will ever have another child of our own is fading away and despair is taking it's place. I am still working on finding a way to be thankful for these things. I will be the first to admit that I am the most imperfect person I know, but I do try. Sometimes trying just isn't enough. I know it's only been a year since we buried our daughter but it seems like an eternity since I held my daughter in my arms. When do you say, I just can't take any more disappointment? What is worse, the pain of a lifetime of empty arms or the pain of disappointment time and time again?
I know that we should start looking into adoption, but the cost of adoption is high and there is a high risk of disappointment in that as well. How do I know it won't be just as bad? We still have years before the IVF procedure is paid off and cannot even think about adoption until the debt is paid. So adoption is still a few years off. How do I cope until then?
I feel so lost, and so ungrateful. I feel like I am letting my Heavenly Father down because I am not thankful enough for EVERYTHING. I know He loves me and has a plan for me. I just need to figure out how to be thankful for my thorns.