I know my last post was kind of a downer. I am still trying to work through my issues but I am trying now to focus on the future. I have no idea what the future holds for Skeet and I. I have no clue what the Lord has planned for us. So now I am doing my best to just trust in Him that He will help me through whatever is to come.
I am scared... no terrified, to use my last two embryos. I want so badly to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy child just once before moving on to adoption. I don't want my only memories of pregnancy to be mostly of fear and sadness. It wasn't like that all the time, up until I was 20 weeks I was enjoying it very much, and I tried so hard after the news to enjoy my time with Avery but it was hard. It was so hard to talk to her, read to her, sing to her, and not think that it would be the only time I would have with her on this earth. So as hard as I tried to be happy... the sadness was always there.
I think people may be wondering why I am so against adopting because we keep trying so hard to get pregnant. Those mothers out there who have struggled with infertility before they had a child probably know what I am talking about. The miracle of carrying a child is indescribable and to finally have it after wishing for it for so long makes it so much sweeter. I really do hope that someday we adopt, but I know it will not be able to happen for a few years at least. I am not against it at all but I am stubbornly going to keep trying to get pregnant while we have a shot. This is why I am terrified to use our last two embryos. If it doesn't work then I will have to admit that it's over. It will be then that the idea of me being pregnant just one more time will be a long lost dream. This is something I am going to struggle with until it is all said and done and I can't change it.
I have been struggling lately with a lot of things that are wearing me out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have finals next week and my desire to get my GPA up has me stressed beyond comprehension. I have to have my application for the Radiology program in by January 10th and still have a lot of work to do before then and my GPA really needs to look good before my transcript gets sent out. I have this huge fear of not getting in and not knowing what to do with my life for the next year! Then there is the stress eating... I eat when I am stressed and I don't eat healthy foods. I eat chocolate and chips and cookies and anything that will add inches to my waist and thighs. So to counteract this eating I have been trying to work out which makes me tired... too tired to clean my house or study for my finals. Then of course there is the emotional stress of trying to decide what to do next as far as our family is concerned. How long do we wait before we try again? Is Skeet's work schedule going to interfere with any of our plans? Am I going to have to put it all off for months until we are both in a position where we can spend some time with the doctors? Most importantly, how much longer can I wait before I start going crazy? It all seems so trivial but that is what consumes me most days lately.
Does anyone out there watch Private Practice? I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy and didn't like Addison much while on that show but for some reason I followed her to her spin-off and have only continued to watch because I think Pete is pretty hot! Plus I like to see the sometimes silly fertility cases they portray on the show. This weeks show really ticked me off. They brought in a doctor to perform abortions in the same office that they do IVF and other fertility treatments. As a sufferer of infertility I know that if my doctor allowed women to have abortions under the same roof that I spend hours and thousands of dollars to try to conceive I would no longer be a patient of that doctor. It was ridiculous the way that some tried to convince others that it was perfectly okay. I have a feeling it will cause some problems in the future on the show but I don't know if I will be watching to find out. I don't usually get so worked up over make believe but I am appalled that the writers thought this storyline would be acceptable in any way.
If you can't tell I am not a huge fan of abortion. I just think there are way too many women out there waiting to adopt children, if a women doesn't want her baby what is 9 months to give someone a life and a couple their dreams? I understand that there are circumstances that cause need for termination but I believe that it is used too freely in our world today. I think the reason that I have such strong feelings is because my daughter was alive to me the minute her heart started beating and if anyone were to stop her heart intentionally, it would have killed her. I have two potential babies waiting for me and even though they are only a few cells right now, they could be an answer to my prayers. The thought of even destroying those embryos seems wrong to me.
I don't write this to cause an uproar or upset anyone. These are just my own personal feelings and I apologize if anyone is offended by them. I use this blog as sort of a journal and I needed to get some things off my chest. I promise that someday soon I will post something a little more cheerful. I know I will have to because my little buddy Ayden will be here this weekend and one hug from him will make everything all better (for a little while at least). I will post some pictures of how much he has grown.