Friday, December 5, 2008

Some thoughts

I know my last post was kind of a downer. I am still trying to work through my issues but I am trying now to focus on the future. I have no idea what the future holds for Skeet and I. I have no clue what the Lord has planned for us. So now I am doing my best to just trust in Him that He will help me through whatever is to come.

I am scared... no terrified, to use my last two embryos. I want so badly to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy child just once before moving on to adoption. I don't want my only memories of pregnancy to be mostly of fear and sadness. It wasn't like that all the time, up until I was 20 weeks I was enjoying it very much, and I tried so hard after the news to enjoy my time with Avery but it was hard. It was so hard to talk to her, read to her, sing to her, and not think that it would be the only time I would have with her on this earth. So as hard as I tried to be happy... the sadness was always there.

I think people may be wondering why I am so against adopting because we keep trying so hard to get pregnant. Those mothers out there who have struggled with infertility before they had a child probably know what I am talking about. The miracle of carrying a child is indescribable and to finally have it after wishing for it for so long makes it so much sweeter. I really do hope that someday we adopt, but I know it will not be able to happen for a few years at least. I am not against it at all but I am stubbornly going to keep trying to get pregnant while we have a shot. This is why I am terrified to use our last two embryos. If it doesn't work then I will have to admit that it's over. It will be then that the idea of me being pregnant just one more time will be a long lost dream. This is something I am going to struggle with until it is all said and done and I can't change it.

I have been struggling lately with a lot of things that are wearing me out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have finals next week and my desire to get my GPA up has me stressed beyond comprehension. I have to have my application for the Radiology program in by January 10th and still have a lot of work to do before then and my GPA really needs to look good before my transcript gets sent out. I have this huge fear of not getting in and not knowing what to do with my life for the next year! Then there is the stress eating... I eat when I am stressed and I don't eat healthy foods. I eat chocolate and chips and cookies and anything that will add inches to my waist and thighs. So to counteract this eating I have been trying to work out which makes me tired... too tired to clean my house or study for my finals. Then of course there is the emotional stress of trying to decide what to do next as far as our family is concerned. How long do we wait before we try again? Is Skeet's work schedule going to interfere with any of our plans? Am I going to have to put it all off for months until we are both in a position where we can spend some time with the doctors? Most importantly, how much longer can I wait before I start going crazy? It all seems so trivial but that is what consumes me most days lately.

Does anyone out there watch Private Practice? I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy and didn't like Addison much while on that show but for some reason I followed her to her spin-off and have only continued to watch because I think Pete is pretty hot! Plus I like to see the sometimes silly fertility cases they portray on the show. This weeks show really ticked me off. They brought in a doctor to perform abortions in the same office that they do IVF and other fertility treatments. As a sufferer of infertility I know that if my doctor allowed women to have abortions under the same roof that I spend hours and thousands of dollars to try to conceive I would no longer be a patient of that doctor. It was ridiculous the way that some tried to convince others that it was perfectly okay. I have a feeling it will cause some problems in the future on the show but I don't know if I will be watching to find out. I don't usually get so worked up over make believe but I am appalled that the writers thought this storyline would be acceptable in any way.
If you can't tell I am not a huge fan of abortion. I just think there are way too many women out there waiting to adopt children, if a women doesn't want her baby what is 9 months to give someone a life and a couple their dreams? I understand that there are circumstances that cause need for termination but I believe that it is used too freely in our world today. I think the reason that I have such strong feelings is because my daughter was alive to me the minute her heart started beating and if anyone were to stop her heart intentionally, it would have killed her. I have two potential babies waiting for me and even though they are only a few cells right now, they could be an answer to my prayers. The thought of even destroying those embryos seems wrong to me.

I don't write this to cause an uproar or upset anyone. These are just my own personal feelings and I apologize if anyone is offended by them. I use this blog as sort of a journal and I needed to get some things off my chest. I promise that someday soon I will post something a little more cheerful. I know I will have to because my little buddy Ayden will be here this weekend and one hug from him will make everything all better (for a little while at least). I will post some pictures of how much he has grown.


The Bartons said...

Hey darlin! I have to give it to you you are one strong lady! I can't even imagine everything you are going thru emotionally and then going to school as well! WOW. I hope everything works out for you and you get everything you want and dream of!

Tina said...

AMEN!!! I echo your feelings 100%. Abortion is used too freely and...I also believe that it's every woman's right to carry a child of her own. There's nothing like it - and there's nothing like giving birth to a perfect, beautiful baby. My heart aches for those who don't have that chance in their lives. I'm so lucky that it happened for us - even if it is just the one time!

The Schexnayders said...

Your preaching my gospel honey. I agree with you about abortion 100%. See you Sunday!!! Ayden and I are so excited!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing that. I was thinking the same thing about the show. How offensive to those of us that have struggled to get a baby and they are talking about getting rid of babies...ugh!!! Thank you!

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Wow. I agree with every single thing you said in this long post. Don't let people push adoption on you right now when you naturally want to try everything in your power to conceive and carry a baby. It is not the "job" in infertile women to "just adopt" because their children need homes. We may adopt in the future, but like you we plan to try every single measure and step to have a biological child first. That is why I can imagine how scary it must be to make these decision on your last two embryos. That is sooo much pressure. I don't know how to help you decide but I hope with all my heart you get your baby in your arms and soon. I agree completely with your stance on abortion and if I saw that episode I would have thrown up. I can't stand that hundreds of babies are destroyed daily because they are inconvenient, when I spend my every waking minute wondering if I will ever FINALLY get to be a mother. Don't worry about offending anyone. This is your blog and your opinions are valid and warranted. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but these same topics get me heated as well. The only thing I can do is hope and wish that your suffering will end and your future child gets to experience having you as a mother.

Leslie said...

We all have highs and lows. I don't think that you should ever apologize for how you are feeling. Your point of view is just as important as anyone elses. I am with you on the abortion thing and I watched that episode of Private Practice. I was disgusted too.
Please know that I think of you often and I am praying for you and your family. I hope you find the peace that you are seeking so hard to find!

Clare Dungey said...

Hey Hun,

Going through that same confusing consuming state right now too. It's too hard to give up on our dream when we know how amazing holding our babies was.

Hang in there, with God's help, we will survive and our future is waiting and we can trust God that it is good - so hard to keep strong sometimes though isn't it?!

Amy Jo said...

Stay strong Candi and don't give up! You have put this in God's hands and He will answer you in His time as frustrating as that is. Whether it's a baby you carry or adopt, it will be a blessed child!

Anonymous said...

Hi Candi,
I stumbled across your page as I was browsing blogs. I cannot imagine the heartache that you must feel and longing for a child. I do fear for you as you seem to have a lot going on right now with school, emotions etc... From working in healthcare for years, I know first hand that women have much more difficulty conceiving when they are stressed, tired, worried and counting the clock. I know it is impossible to suggest not thinking about it because as a woman I too understand this is IMPOSSIBLE. I would suggest waiting until you get word from Radiology or you get settled a little more into that program before going through with your last two embryos. I know those are your golden ticket and I would hate to see you set yourself up for impossible odds at this time. You are putting so much pressure on yourself, more than anyone ever should. It will happen when you are most relaxed. Good luck, I will pray for you and your husband!

Lightning Strikes said...

I just want you to know that I think you are amazing! You truly are a strong woman and I'm glad we have you in our family! I also agree with you about Abortion, and that 9 months is a small price to pay to make someone's dreams come true! I keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that you will someday soon have a healthy baby!