I don't know if it is because I am not getting even close to enough sleep or if there is some other reason but I am having the hardest time accepting my reality. It's not as bad as it sounds. My reality is amazing! Better than I ever imagined my life could be. I am happier than I ever thought possible. So why then, do I feel like I am walking around in a dreamy fog? I love being a mom, I love being Sawyer's mom, but I still can't believe that I am. When he laughs and smiles at me my heart feels like it is going to explode with joy and that sensation is so unreal that I have a hard time believing that it is, in fact, real. Watching Skeet and Sawyer together gives me the same feeling. I always knew Skeet would be an amazing dad but I never thought that being a dad would change him as much as it has. My love and respect for him has grown immensely and it also doesn't feel real. I will be sitting at work, doing my thing, and just happen to look at the adorable picture I have of Sawyer on my desktop, it then hits me that I am a mom and that cute little boy is mine, but it doesn't feel real. About halfway through my work day the need to see and hold Sawyer gets so strong that sometimes it is painful and makes me want to ugly cry right there at my desk, but then I wonder if he'll be real when I pick him up from the sitter.
I don't know why I am having these feelings. Is it because I have never experienced this happiness before? Is it because I am so tired that I constantly feel like I am in a dream? Is my mind still trying to protect me from the pain I felt after losing Avery? I can't quite figure it out. Does anyone else feel this way?
The days are passing so fast and I know that it is because they are filled with, well work during the week, but then it's play time, nap time, meal time, bed time, etc. When Sawyer is not sleeping or eating (well sometimes when he's eating) I am constantly doing my best to make him smile or laugh. I second guess myself all the time though, wondering if he is getting enough stimulation, or the right kinds. I wonder if he is on track developmentally or if something I am doing or not doing is holding him back. What if I am not spending enough time talking to him, singing to him, reading to him? What if he's not getting the physical stimulation he needs? I feel like motherhood is just something that I automatically do. I don't really question the things that need to be done like feeding, diaper changing and those basic care type of things but when it comes to all the other stuff that the websites and books are constantly saying you need to do to make sure your baby grows up to be strong or smart, how do I know I am doing it right or enough? I feel guilty when I put him down and walk away. Especially because I don't see him very much during the week. Occasionally I have let the TV entertain him while I get myself something to eat, or even use the bathroom but then I feel guilty for that as well. I want nothing more than to be the best mom for Sawyer because he deserves that and so much more. I think having Skeet gone, and being his primary caregiver, has intensified these feelings because I feel more pressure to be both mom and dad for Sawyer. The last week has felt like a month in regards to Skeet being gone and we still have another week to go! I give props to all those single parents out there doing both jobs. I don't know how you do it and stay sane!
I am 100% okay with putting every single one of Sawyer's needs before mine. That is what I am here for. However, if the lack of sleep or the loss of my sense of self is the reason that I feel like my life is a dream, then I should probably try to fix it right? It's not just the last 4 months that have seemed like a blur, it's the last few years! I try to look back 4 years to when we had Avery and it all seems so unreal to me. Even trying to remember my pregnancy with Sawyer gives me a blurry headache. If I didn't have pictures of my big fat belly, I might believe that Sawyer was dropped off by a stork.
I also want to give a shout out to all those working moms out there. I never thought it was a big deal. My mom worked the entire time I was growing up and I don't know if maybe after 4 kids, work was an escape for her (probably). But, only having one and knowing that there is a chance he could be our last, makes going to work torture. I am good for a half a day. I feel like I get a breather and time to regroup but then at about noon I am dying to see him. I wonder what he's doing, if he's being good, if he is eating, sleeping or pooping good for his sitter. I start counting down the minutes until I get to pick him up, see him smile, smell his head. Of all the things I thought would be difficult after becoming a mom, I never thought that going back to work would be up there with watching them get shots. At least with shots you can immediately pick them up and comfort them. I know he's fine at the baby sitter but I am in pain at work wondering how long before he starts thinking of B or T as his second and third mommies. Don't get me wrong. I like my job, love the people I work with and am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to have such a good job but my job would be the best thing ever if it was only part-time! I doubt it will ever happen but I can dream. And in the mean time I can try to take advantage and enjoy every second I do get with my handsome little man. There is nothing better than a yummy Sawyer fix after a 9 hour long, excruciating, day without him. My heart breaks for Skeet. 9 hours without holding Sawyer is the absolute worst! Skeet has gone 9 days so far, it must be killing him!
I have some more cute phone pictures I want to share. I can't wait to get a new phone with a better camera but that's not going to happen until around February so you'll have to endure with the crappy quality of these photos. At least the subject is really fun to look at!!