8 Years and 5 Months

8 years ago today I married my best friend, my dream guy, my rock, my everything, my Skeeter!!  Words cannot express how much I love and appreciate this man!  He is an amazing husband and father and is more to me than I could have ever dared to imagine.  My wedding may not have been exactly what I wanted it to be but I have learned over the years that, even though weddings are fun, it is the marriage that matters the most.  Skeet and I have an awesome marriage.  We rarely fight.  We don't sweat the small stuff.  We know how to appreciate each other (I think this is because he is gone so much).  Our marriage has survived some pretty stressful stuff and what might normally tear people apart, has brought us so much closer together.  Together we have a deeper appreciation for family and especially for our children.  We might not have everything we think we want but we have what is important and we realize that.  I couldn't have picked a better person to experience life with and I am so glad that he picked me! 

Skeeter, Thank you for being the man that you are!  I don't know how I would survive without you.  You are my everything and I love you more every day.  I am the luckiest lady ever to have found someone as handsome, thoughtful, sweet, smart and sexy as you!  Thank you for being an awesome daddy to Sawyer and Avery too!  They are so lucky to have you!

Guess who is 5 months today?  Yep that's right... my smiley little cutie has been making our lives bright and well.. pretty much perfect for the last 5 months!  I can't believe how fast they have flown by and how big he has gotten!  I weighed him this weekend and he has hit 16 pounds and I am pretty sure he is 27 inches by now.  He gets so big every day!!  Skeet couldn't believe how big he got in just 2 weeks!  He has turned our world upside down and we are loving every second of it! 

Sawyer is in size 3 diapers and is mostly in 6-9 month size clothes.  He can still wear some 3-6 month and even 0-3 month pants because his legs are shorter and his waist is skinny.  He has a crazy long torso though so he grows out of footed jammies and onsies really quick! 

For the last 3 weeks Sawyer has been eating rice cereal and he has recently started oatmeal which he loves!!  We are thinking we might try some sweet potatoes next but I am not in a hurry because I feel like he is growing up to fast and I can maybe control it a little if he doesn't get to eat big boy food! 

I have seen Sawyer roll from his back to his tummy multiple times but his tummy to back only twice about a a month ago, but yesterday I learned that he rolls from his tummy to his back all the time at the babysitter.  Not sure why he does it there and not at home but as long as he's doing it, I am okay.  He is getting really good at sitting up and I think by 6 months he will have it down for sure.

He loves his jumper and his legs are getting so strong because of all the time he spends in there. I think he may be an early stander/walker because of this.  He loves to stand up on our laps and can do so for a few minutes with just barely any support.

He is still a cuddle bug and loves his mommy and daddy the most.  Especially daddy, he always has a smile and a giggle for his dad. 

He has yet to sleep through the night but has had a few nights recently that he's only woken up once.  Mom on the other hand wakes up all night long to check on him.  I am not sure I'll be able to stop doing that. I am much too paranoid.  He is even getting good at putting himself to sleep.  I know that his babysitter has been making him do it at her house so I tried it over the weekend and even last night and he's been doing pretty good.  Last night he didn't even cry when I put him down... just looked around for a little bit and eventually fell asleep (thank goodness for video monitor, don't know if I would survive without it).  However, his favorite place to sleep is still next to mommy.  He will be half asleep and have to reach out and grab mommy's face to make sure she's still there. 

He is getting to where he grabs at everything.  Especially if mommy is holding it.  Then he really wants it.  I think it's the cutest thing ever!  Honestly, I find everything that this little man does cute, even his poops and burps are cute to me.  I just love him so much!!

Sawyer still loves story time and his favorite book is "Itsy Bitsy Spider" by Kate Toms.  He loves this book and is always trying to grab the spider on the front cover.  I don't know if any of you have seen it but this book has the most adorable illustrations and I wish they sold a spider that looked like this one because I would buy it for him in a heartbeat! If I was more crafty I might try to make it for him!

We fall more in love with this little guy every day!  I am loving being his mom and I pretty much think he is the best and cutest little thing ever! I am such a lucky mommy!!

Winter

Normally I hate the cold.  I dread winter coming... especially Utah winters but this year I have this to look forward to and that makes me excited!  What a cute boy! And he's sporting Dad's favorite baseball team!!

Just a side note, I have not been feeding him punch or red popsicles... his cheekers get red from him sucking his hands.  They don't usually look this bad. I think the beanie brings out the red in his cheeks!

For Me

This post is for me, so that if I ever do have another baby I can look back and compare.  I also want to record some more things that I want to remember about this age with Sawyer.

I am almost 5 months postpartum.  Right now my hair is falling out in big handfuls, my arms have little red bumps up and down them (that the dermatologist has said isn't easy to get rid of and incredibly common) and although I have lost all of my pregnancy weight, my body is flabby and saggy all over.  The acne that I suffered from the first couple of months has cleared up pretty good with a couple of exceptions here and there.  I fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes for the most part but most just don't fit right because I am still sporting a very flabby pooch around my tummy area.  I am okay if my pants are cut a little higher cause I can tuck it in but the low cut pants will have to stay in the closet indefinitely.  The stretch marks that I thought that I would hate are lightening up a ton (thanks to Bio Oil) and are just another reminder of the miracle that I hold in my arms every day.  I don't love them but they are endearing for sure. 

Breastfeeding is still going well.  I am able to pump enough at work, usually, to get Sawyer through the next day at the sitters and even have some extra to put in his cereal at night.  I have cut dairy and chocolate completely from my diet.  Dairy gives Sawyer a rumbly tummy and some pretty watery diapers.  Chocolate just makes him scream and I mean SCREAM!  We learned that early on and it was reaffirmed a time or two when we weren't sure if it was the chocolate or something else.  If I eat an excess of raw onions (which I don't usually do) that will give him a tummy ache as well.  Too much caffiene causes tummy problems too so I try to go easy on it but it is necessary from time to time.  On the plus side, I think that cutting dairy has really helped me with my weight loss.  I still eat a ton and not the healthiest diet but I have dropped 6 pounds in the last few weeks and it looks like I might be still losing weight.  Now if I could only find the energy and time to do some weight training and running and I might actually have a body that doesn't gross me out when I look in the mirror. 

Sawyer is growing so fast and getting cuter every day.  His smiles seriously make me ridiculously happy and his laughs just about put me over the edge.  I think when he smiles it makes everyone happy. I know that my parents both agree that they brighten their day for sure!  I am going to miss his toothless grin and his cute little giggle.  I know it will change as he gets older and it will probably still be cute but it won't be the same. 
I am also going to miss his soft skin.  I knew babies had soft skin but it is crazy soft.  I love to hold on to his little hand while I am feeding him or while he is sleeping and just rub it across my cheek or lips.  It always smells good too! 
I love his natural mohawk and will miss how it is always sticking up in every direction and there is nothing I can do about it.  It is starting to get really long on top but the thought of cutting it makes me want to cry.  Maybe we'll see how long we can get it before Daddy makes me cut it!
I love how when he's eating he wants so badly to look around and see what's going on.  He'll eat for a while and then it's almost like he can't take it anymore and pulls off dramatically, lays his head back and just looks all over the place all at once.  After a while he'll eat some more and then do the same thing again.  It is too cute and always makes me laugh. 
I will miss the way he smiles with his tongue and how when he thinks something funny he'll blow a raspberry/spit instead of laughing.  And also how he likes to talk around his fingers or binkie.  He likes to blow raspberries when he's got them in his mouth too. 
He is getting really good at taking his binkie but he's getting even better at spitting it out.  Sometimes when I put it in his mouth he'll suck on it for a second and then spit it out as hard as he can and it makes a popping noise and shoots a few feet.  He'll do it in his sleep too.  I'll put him to bed with it in his mouth and watch on the video monitor as he shoots it across his crib. 
He has a new thing where he'll hide his head in my shoulder when someone talks to him or looks at him while I am holding him.  Like he's shy or something.  So cute!!
He hardly cries anymore.  He has a whine that he does when he's hungry or tired and I can usually tell which is which by his schedule.  The whine is pretty cute and I can honestly say I will miss it because I am sure when he gets older he'll still whine but it won't be as cute!

I am sure I have a ton more but that's all I can think of at the moment.  Skeet will be home tonight and I am so looking forward to a day off with him.  We haven't had a day off together since I went back to work (which was over 2 months ago).  It will be nice to have some time as a family!! 

Reality?

I don't know if it is because I am not getting even close to enough sleep or if there is some other reason but I am having the hardest time accepting my reality.  It's not as bad as it sounds.  My reality is amazing!  Better than I ever imagined my life could be. I am happier than I ever thought possible. So why then, do I feel like I am walking around in a dreamy fog?  I love being a mom, I love being Sawyer's mom, but I still can't believe that I am.  When he laughs and smiles at me my heart feels like it is going to explode with joy and that sensation is so unreal that I have a hard time believing that it is, in fact, real.  Watching Skeet and Sawyer together gives me the same feeling.  I always knew Skeet would be an amazing dad but I never thought that being a dad would change him as much as it has.  My love and respect for him has grown immensely and it also doesn't feel real.  I will be sitting at work, doing my thing, and just happen to look at the adorable picture I have of Sawyer on my desktop, it then hits me that I am a mom and that cute little boy is mine, but it doesn't feel real.  About halfway through my work day the need to see and hold Sawyer gets so strong that sometimes it is painful and makes me want to ugly cry right there at  my desk, but then I wonder if he'll be real when I pick him up from the sitter. 

I don't know why I am having these feelings.  Is it because I have never experienced this happiness before?  Is it because I am so tired that I constantly feel like I am in a dream?  Is my mind still trying to protect me from the pain I felt after losing Avery?  I can't quite figure it out.  Does anyone else feel this way? 

The days are passing so fast and I know that it is because they are filled with, well work during the week, but then it's play time, nap time, meal time, bed time, etc.  When Sawyer is not sleeping or eating (well sometimes when he's eating) I am constantly doing my best to make him smile or laugh.  I second guess myself all the time though, wondering if he is getting enough stimulation, or the right kinds.  I wonder if he is on track developmentally or if something I am doing or not doing is holding him back.  What if I am not spending enough time talking to him, singing to him, reading to him?  What if he's not getting the physical stimulation he needs?  I feel like motherhood is just something that I automatically do.  I don't really question the things that need to be done like feeding, diaper changing and those basic care type of things but when it comes to all the other stuff that the websites and books are constantly saying you need to do to make sure your baby grows up to be strong or smart, how do I know I am doing it right or enough?  I feel guilty when I put him down and walk away.  Especially because I don't see him very much during the week.  Occasionally I have let the TV entertain him while I get myself something to eat, or even use the bathroom but then I feel guilty for that as well.  I want nothing more than to be the best mom for Sawyer because he deserves that and so much more.  I think having Skeet gone, and being his primary caregiver, has intensified these feelings because I feel more pressure to be both mom and dad for Sawyer.  The last week has felt like a month in regards to Skeet being gone and we still have another week to go!  I give props to all those single parents out there doing both jobs.  I don't know how you do it and stay sane! 

I am 100% okay with putting every single one of Sawyer's needs before mine.  That is what I am here for. However, if the lack of sleep or the loss of my sense of self is the reason that I feel like my life is a dream, then I should probably try to fix it right?  It's not just the last 4 months that have seemed like a blur, it's the last few years!  I try to look back 4 years to when we had Avery and it all seems so unreal to me.  Even trying to remember my pregnancy with Sawyer gives me a blurry headache.  If I didn't have pictures of my big fat belly, I might believe that Sawyer was dropped off by a stork. 

I also want to give a shout out to all those working moms out there.  I never thought it was a big deal.  My mom worked the entire time I was growing up and I don't know if maybe after 4 kids, work was an escape for her (probably).  But, only having one and knowing that there is a chance he could be our last, makes going to work torture.  I am good for a half a day.  I feel like I get a breather and time to regroup but then at about noon I am dying to see him.  I wonder what he's doing, if he's being good, if he is eating, sleeping or pooping good for his sitter.  I start counting down the minutes until I get to pick him up, see him smile, smell his head.  Of all the things I thought would be difficult after becoming a mom, I never thought that going back to work would be up there with watching them get shots.  At least with shots you can immediately pick them up and comfort them.  I know he's fine at the baby sitter but I am in pain at work wondering how long before he starts thinking of B or T as his second and third mommies.  Don't get me wrong.  I like my job, love the people I work with and am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to have such a good job but my job would be the best thing ever if it was only part-time!  I doubt it will ever happen but I can dream.  And in the mean time I can try to take advantage and enjoy every second I do get with my handsome little man.  There is nothing better than a yummy Sawyer fix after a 9 hour long, excruciating, day without him.  My heart breaks for Skeet.  9 hours without holding Sawyer is the absolute worst! Skeet has gone 9 days so far, it must be killing him! 

I have some more cute phone pictures I want to share.  I can't wait to get a new phone with a better camera but that's not going to happen until around February so you'll have to endure with the crappy quality of these photos.  At least the subject is really fun to look at!!

Love this boy!!

He loves to roll on his side

Doesn't like swings much... especially this smaller portable one.

Getting so much better at tummy time

Love the messy hair!

Working on his tan... well just his Vitamin D

Hanging out while he soaks up some rays

He misses his big sister (he was actually mad that I put him down to take a picture of his cute T-shirt)

Look at that big boy!!

He LOVES his jumper!! It's his new favorite place to be.

I hate that his feet touch the ground though.. he's too big!!

The next few pictures are a result of a small, impromptu, photoshoot.  He was being so cute and I couldn't help but capture it on camera... enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmm... Basketball Scholarship Here We COME!

Mr. Sawyer did great at his 4 month check up today!!  Our little basketball star is 26.5 inches long (92nd percentile) and 14 pounds 11 ounces (42nd percentile).  I can't believe how fast he is growing and how incredibly tall he is!!!  He's just a tall and skinny guy!
I was so worried about his shots but he really did so good. I was able to distract him for the first part and when he did figure out that they were hurting him he only cried for a second.  He's been all smiles since.  I hope it stays this way and he doesn't have any bad side effects from the vaccinations. He was such a good boy for Dr. N too... smiling at him while he was checking his ears and his nose.  I am still trying to decide if we are going to wait a while to start cereal or if we are going to give it a try soon.  He seems very ready to start solids but I am not sure I am ready for it.  I guess I'll take a couple days to think about it before I decide.