We made it through another Christmas. I have tried so hard to remember the true meaning this year. It was difficult but I do remember why we celebrate and I am eternally grateful for our Savior and His life. Christmas was good at our house this year. We spent some time with both Skeet's and my families and I really enjoyed watching my nephew open his gifts this year.
Christmas Eve we spent at my parents house with my brothers, Skeet's sisters and my sister and her hubby and my niece and nephew, and of course my parents. It was great to have everyone there and eat lots of good pizza. We took some pictures but I don't have them with me so I will share them later.
As I sat there watching Ayden and Jacie chase each other all over the house, the tears welled up and I couldn't hold them back. Someone was missing and it was so painfully obvious to me but it seemed like no one else noticed. I could almost picture my black haired little girl wobbling around and trying to keep up with the two of them. I wonder if she was watching and wishing she could be there too?
Then, Christmas morning, instead of watching my one year old tear into the wrapping paper (because I am sure that is all she would be interested in) Skeet and I drove out to the cemetery to visit her grave. We had to walk through probably six inches or more of snow to get to where she is and a lot of the cute Christmas decorations I had put out were completely buried. Her tree had been dug out and there were a few new additions from my parents and sister. I wanted to scream and cry out. I want to have her here so badly. But I held back because I didn't want Skeet to think that I had lost it. Instead I said a silent prayer and thanked my Savior for His life and death. Because of Him I will be with my daughter again. It is a bitter sweet thought but it gets me through each day.
Again I am sorry that I didn't get cards out to everyone this year. I hope you all had a very special Christmas and I wish you all the very best in 2009. Whatever you do tonight... do it safely! 2009 here we come!!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
An amazing Christmas gift
Yesterday I received a gift from an old friend. She and I have known each other since middle school but drifted apart for a few years. Just within the last year we began catching up and she asked my permission to work on something. I received the finished product yesterday and I have to say I am completely blown away.
Mari, Beckie, you will never ever know how much this song means to me because there are simply no words to express. It is the most beautiful and touching thing I have ever been given (next to my daughter) and it honors her so perfectly. I wish there was some way that I could repay you for this amazing gift.
I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.
Letter From Avery
Music, lyrics and vocals by
Marijeanne Burgess and Beckie Henrie
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Watching over you I feel to say
I'd do anything to take your pain away
But I made a choice, I chose you
So that now through Heaven's arms
I'll comfort you
I lived close to your heart
As close as I could be
I knew the sound of its beat
I know the song you sang to me
I feel no pain
Only peace
Let me share it with you
In this little Letter... from Avery
It wouldn't be easy, this we knew
Be He promised we could
help each other through
Though I wanted to stay, stay with you
Just for now through Heaven's arms,
I'll comfort you
I lived close to your heart
As close as I could be
I knew the sound of its beat
I know the song you sang to me
I feel no pain
Only peace
Let me share it with you
In this little Letter... from Avery
I live on
Closer than you think
Through Heaven's arms
I'll share His peace
(I live on)... close to your heart
(Closer than you think) As close as I can be
(I know your heart beat) I know the sound of its beat
(I know the song you sing) I know the song you sang to me
(I feel no pain, only peace) I'll ease your pain, share His peace
Let me share it with you in this little Letter... from Avery
Monday, December 22, 2008
Update
Well my last final went well. I finished up the semester with 3 "A"s and an "A-". So that is a 3.9 GPA which brings my GPA to a 3.59 over all. I was hoping to get a 3.6 but I guess that A- killed me!! I am trying to rest my brain a little and prepare myself for my next semester where I will have much harder classes and probably less time to do the work for them.
So immediately after finishing my last final we picked up my sister and headed off to Vegas! We were given a room on the Penthouse Suite floor of the Mandalay Bay. The room had an amazing view of the strip and we were on the 60th floor!! We immediately got ready and went down to dinner at the House of Blues restaurant. With a receipt from the restaurant you can line up early for the concerts in their venue. So we went to wait in line. It was crowded and Skeet and Charise both complained about having to wait. I think next time I need to take younger people with me or someone who appreciates Gary the way I do!! ;)
Once we got inside we had to wait some more. I insisted that we stay on the floor so it was just more standing in a crowd and waiting. I think we waited about 2 1/2 hours before the concert finally started. I will admit it was a long wait and my feet were killing me by the end of the night, but it was sooooo worth it! *Note to self, don't wear boots with heels if you are going to be on your feet that long* Gary put on an amazing show, like I knew he would. His mother was in the crowd and he dedicated a Christmas song to her. He sang "O Holy Night" and I have a new found respect for that song after hearing it in that deep voice of his!! I think Charise and Skeet had a good time too and really enjoyed the show. Well other than the dumb, slutty blond that kept pushing on Skeet and Charise's backs all night long trying to get in front of us. She did manage to weasel her way up for the encore after Skeet left to go to the restroom. I felt so bad because later on I found out that she had even pushed a little old couple out of the way to get up front too. I was so mad about the way she had been bugging Charise all night that when the concert was over I bumped her with my shoulder as I was trying to get out of the crowd. Next thing I know she shoves me from behind and is yelling that she will fight me. I couldn't help but laugh... I could tell she was totally drunk and as much as I wanted to hit her I said "Opps I must have tripped". Then I told her she wasn't worth it and called her a B&*%h and walked away. I still wish I would have hit her or come up with something better to say because I know that every person that was standing in that area all night would have cheered me on!! I took the high road, but I still think I could have taken her!!
The next day we went shopping and headed back home. Let me tell you though, not a good idea to wear the same boots shopping as you wore to the concert the night before. It took almost a week before I could walk in my boots again. My feet were so bruised.
Now I am frantically trying to get all of my Christmas stuff done in time. I had been putting so much of it off until after finals and I forget how much goes into Christmas. I am really trying to keep the right frame of mind for this special time of year but I have to admit I am a little excited for it to be over with. I want my house to be clean and clutter free and I want to be able to spend time with my family without worrying about all the things I should be doing at home. I only have a couple of weeks left with my sister and Ayden before they have to go back and Skeet will be returning to work soon. I wish I had planned ahead so that I could just enjoy my time with them now.
Also, an apology to everyone for the lack of a Christmas card from Skeet and I this year. I didn't get around to sending them and I apologize. Just know that we love you all and are wishing you the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years and all that good stuff. I promise I will try to be more on the ball next year! Also, here's to hoping that next year our card will feature a picture of a new addition to our family! I just keep trying to think positive.
So immediately after finishing my last final we picked up my sister and headed off to Vegas! We were given a room on the Penthouse Suite floor of the Mandalay Bay. The room had an amazing view of the strip and we were on the 60th floor!! We immediately got ready and went down to dinner at the House of Blues restaurant. With a receipt from the restaurant you can line up early for the concerts in their venue. So we went to wait in line. It was crowded and Skeet and Charise both complained about having to wait. I think next time I need to take younger people with me or someone who appreciates Gary the way I do!! ;)
Once we got inside we had to wait some more. I insisted that we stay on the floor so it was just more standing in a crowd and waiting. I think we waited about 2 1/2 hours before the concert finally started. I will admit it was a long wait and my feet were killing me by the end of the night, but it was sooooo worth it! *Note to self, don't wear boots with heels if you are going to be on your feet that long* Gary put on an amazing show, like I knew he would. His mother was in the crowd and he dedicated a Christmas song to her. He sang "O Holy Night" and I have a new found respect for that song after hearing it in that deep voice of his!! I think Charise and Skeet had a good time too and really enjoyed the show. Well other than the dumb, slutty blond that kept pushing on Skeet and Charise's backs all night long trying to get in front of us. She did manage to weasel her way up for the encore after Skeet left to go to the restroom. I felt so bad because later on I found out that she had even pushed a little old couple out of the way to get up front too. I was so mad about the way she had been bugging Charise all night that when the concert was over I bumped her with my shoulder as I was trying to get out of the crowd. Next thing I know she shoves me from behind and is yelling that she will fight me. I couldn't help but laugh... I could tell she was totally drunk and as much as I wanted to hit her I said "Opps I must have tripped". Then I told her she wasn't worth it and called her a B&*%h and walked away. I still wish I would have hit her or come up with something better to say because I know that every person that was standing in that area all night would have cheered me on!! I took the high road, but I still think I could have taken her!!
The next day we went shopping and headed back home. Let me tell you though, not a good idea to wear the same boots shopping as you wore to the concert the night before. It took almost a week before I could walk in my boots again. My feet were so bruised.
Now I am frantically trying to get all of my Christmas stuff done in time. I had been putting so much of it off until after finals and I forget how much goes into Christmas. I am really trying to keep the right frame of mind for this special time of year but I have to admit I am a little excited for it to be over with. I want my house to be clean and clutter free and I want to be able to spend time with my family without worrying about all the things I should be doing at home. I only have a couple of weeks left with my sister and Ayden before they have to go back and Skeet will be returning to work soon. I wish I had planned ahead so that I could just enjoy my time with them now.
Also, an apology to everyone for the lack of a Christmas card from Skeet and I this year. I didn't get around to sending them and I apologize. Just know that we love you all and are wishing you the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years and all that good stuff. I promise I will try to be more on the ball next year! Also, here's to hoping that next year our card will feature a picture of a new addition to our family! I just keep trying to think positive.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
It's Final.... s
Today I take my last final of the semester! I am so excited! I think that because this is my second attempt at college I push myself to do my absolute best. I mean come on.. I am 27 years old, I should easily be able to pull A's. Especially when I can only take 9 credits a semester. Well this last semester I only had 8 credits. 2 classes and 2 labs. I did Anatomy and an Anatomy Lab online and did Biology 1610 and the lab in the classroom. It kept me plenty busy and now I am down to my Biology 1610 final. My first final last week was my Bio lab final and I choked, bombed, crashed... well pretty much I disappointed myself by pulling only a 72%. I have not gotten that bad on a test...that I showed up for... ever!!
So basically I blame it on coming off all the hormones from my last failed fertility treatment. That has to be it because I looked at the test yesterday and I KNEW almost all of the questions that I missed and couldn't figure out why I would mark the answer I did! Luckily for me my awesome professor graded on a little bit of a curve and I still pulled an A- in my lab.
Tuesday night I took my Anatomy final. I went from using my book for all the assignments and tests to doing one big test from memory only. We had come to campus to take the final so I have been studying the material like crazy the past couple of weeks. When I walked out of that final I felt as though maybe I had gotten around an 80%. I think I still would have been able to keep my A so I wasn't too worried. Well I found out yesterday that I did much better than I thought. I don't know the actual percentage but it was over a 94% because I got an A.
There was no final test in my Anatomy lab but I know from my assignments that I got an A in that class as well. So I am up 2 "A"s and an "A-" and I have one final to go. I am unbelievably stressed but so looking forward to it being over. And best of all... we are leaving for Vegas as soon as I am done. We are going down to see Gary Allan in concert and finish up our Christmas shopping. I am really excited to get away and maybe party a little! Gary is really awesome in concert and even if he wasn't, he is really fun to look at!
My sister will be leaving Ayden with my mom and dad and she will be joining Skeet and I for a fun night in Vegas. Since Skeet will be there I won't be able to drool over Gary too much but that's okay... it will still be fun!
When we get home I will finally be able to start getting Christmas done. Also, my bathroom, bedroom and laundry pile are in desperate need of attention! I have put everything aside in order to be prepared for finals so I have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you all have a great weekend!! I'll post an update after the concert.
Monday, December 8, 2008
They're Here!
Ayden and Charise arrived last night from Philly. I went with my parents to pick them up in Vegas. Ayden was so happy to see Papa and Grandma! We get to keep them here for a month and we are sooo excited!
*Sorry about the bad quality photos.. it was the best I could get with my phone*
Aunt Candi
I am so proud to call myself an Aunt. I know I don't mention my nieces and nephews much but I love each and every one of them. I am so blessed to have so many amazing children in my life.
Next came Madison or "Maddie". What a cute, chubby baby she was! She has such a sweet spirit and can always make you laugh. She is Jason's second born from his first marriage and is 9 years old! We don't get to see Maddie and Tristan very often because they live with their mom and sister but we look forward to the time we do get to spend with them.
Me and baby Austin.
Kadence is the daughter of Skeet's and my best friends, Matt & Carrie. She is adorable and incredibly smart. We don't get to see her as much as we would like but we love the time we do spend with her and her parents.
Tristan came first... he made me an aunt at the age of 15. Tristan Chad is my brother Jason's first born with his first wife. He has been spoiled from day one but you wouldn't be able to tell because he has to be the best kid ever! He is so sweet and patient. The boy has to be with 5 (almost 6) sisters! He is the only boy in his families! He is now 12 years old and we are all so proud of him.
Tristan on the climbing wall July 06
Maddie, Jacie, Tristan, and Kennedy July 06
Next came Madison or "Maddie". What a cute, chubby baby she was! She has such a sweet spirit and can always make you laugh. She is Jason's second born from his first marriage and is 9 years old! We don't get to see Maddie and Tristan very often because they live with their mom and sister but we look forward to the time we do get to spend with them.
Maddie and Kennedy
When Jason married his current wife, Sloane (Skeet's younger sister), she brought into our lives her beautiful and sweet daughter Kennedy or "Kenny" as we like to call her. She is also 9 and she and Maddie are joined at the hip when they are together. I have a feeling they will always be best friends.
Jacie and Skeet, July 07
Jason and Sloane's firstborn together is little Jacie, or "Jacie Bug". She is too cute and I think she knows it! She has a new baby sister coming in March and when you ask her what the baby's name will be, she answers "Baby Jacie". Then you ask her what her name will be if the baby has her name and she answers "Princess". She is definitely a princess too... you rarely see her without one of her pretty dresses on! Uncle Skeet adores her and she adores him.
Jason and Sloane are expecting another little girl in March, as of right now we are calling her Cameron.
Maddie, Skeet, Candi, Cayson, Kennedy, Tristan and Riley
Skeet's older brother has 4 kids. Three boys, Riley, Cayson and Shae, and one girl, Mika. We don't get to see them very often at all because they are currently living in South America. They are adorable kids and we miss them so much!
Skeet and Mika.
Ayden
Ayden is my only sister's firstborn. He is my little buddy and I miss him every day. He currently lives in Philly with his mommy and daddy while his daddy finishes dental school. Ayden is the apple of his Papa's eye and has Grandma wrapped around his finger too. And as the only other boy on my side, he worships his cousin Tristan. Ayden just turned two in October.
Skeet and James
Skeet's 2nd youngest brother, Whitney, has two boys. James and Austin. James will be 2 on the day after Christmas and Austin is almost 2 months. They are both adorable and so much fun to play with! They are very proud of their daddy who is currently serving in Iraq. We miss him and look forward to his return in March.
Me and baby Austin.
I also get to be called Aunt by a couple of other adorable children and even though they are not technically family I love them just the same.
Candi, Kadence and Carrie- July 07
( I was 5 months pregnant in this picture so please excuse the swollen face!)
Kadence is the daughter of Skeet's and my best friends, Matt & Carrie. She is adorable and incredibly smart. We don't get to see her as much as we would like but we love the time we do spend with her and her parents.
So I may not have my daughter to hold and cuddle but I do have quite a few cute kids to go to when I need some love! I feel so blessed to have them all in my life and I am so proud to call myself their Aunt Candi!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Some thoughts
I know my last post was kind of a downer. I am still trying to work through my issues but I am trying now to focus on the future. I have no idea what the future holds for Skeet and I. I have no clue what the Lord has planned for us. So now I am doing my best to just trust in Him that He will help me through whatever is to come.
I am scared... no terrified, to use my last two embryos. I want so badly to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy child just once before moving on to adoption. I don't want my only memories of pregnancy to be mostly of fear and sadness. It wasn't like that all the time, up until I was 20 weeks I was enjoying it very much, and I tried so hard after the news to enjoy my time with Avery but it was hard. It was so hard to talk to her, read to her, sing to her, and not think that it would be the only time I would have with her on this earth. So as hard as I tried to be happy... the sadness was always there.
I think people may be wondering why I am so against adopting because we keep trying so hard to get pregnant. Those mothers out there who have struggled with infertility before they had a child probably know what I am talking about. The miracle of carrying a child is indescribable and to finally have it after wishing for it for so long makes it so much sweeter. I really do hope that someday we adopt, but I know it will not be able to happen for a few years at least. I am not against it at all but I am stubbornly going to keep trying to get pregnant while we have a shot. This is why I am terrified to use our last two embryos. If it doesn't work then I will have to admit that it's over. It will be then that the idea of me being pregnant just one more time will be a long lost dream. This is something I am going to struggle with until it is all said and done and I can't change it.
I have been struggling lately with a lot of things that are wearing me out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have finals next week and my desire to get my GPA up has me stressed beyond comprehension. I have to have my application for the Radiology program in by January 10th and still have a lot of work to do before then and my GPA really needs to look good before my transcript gets sent out. I have this huge fear of not getting in and not knowing what to do with my life for the next year! Then there is the stress eating... I eat when I am stressed and I don't eat healthy foods. I eat chocolate and chips and cookies and anything that will add inches to my waist and thighs. So to counteract this eating I have been trying to work out which makes me tired... too tired to clean my house or study for my finals. Then of course there is the emotional stress of trying to decide what to do next as far as our family is concerned. How long do we wait before we try again? Is Skeet's work schedule going to interfere with any of our plans? Am I going to have to put it all off for months until we are both in a position where we can spend some time with the doctors? Most importantly, how much longer can I wait before I start going crazy? It all seems so trivial but that is what consumes me most days lately.
Does anyone out there watch Private Practice? I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy and didn't like Addison much while on that show but for some reason I followed her to her spin-off and have only continued to watch because I think Pete is pretty hot! Plus I like to see the sometimes silly fertility cases they portray on the show. This weeks show really ticked me off. They brought in a doctor to perform abortions in the same office that they do IVF and other fertility treatments. As a sufferer of infertility I know that if my doctor allowed women to have abortions under the same roof that I spend hours and thousands of dollars to try to conceive I would no longer be a patient of that doctor. It was ridiculous the way that some tried to convince others that it was perfectly okay. I have a feeling it will cause some problems in the future on the show but I don't know if I will be watching to find out. I don't usually get so worked up over make believe but I am appalled that the writers thought this storyline would be acceptable in any way.
If you can't tell I am not a huge fan of abortion. I just think there are way too many women out there waiting to adopt children, if a women doesn't want her baby what is 9 months to give someone a life and a couple their dreams? I understand that there are circumstances that cause need for termination but I believe that it is used too freely in our world today. I think the reason that I have such strong feelings is because my daughter was alive to me the minute her heart started beating and if anyone were to stop her heart intentionally, it would have killed her. I have two potential babies waiting for me and even though they are only a few cells right now, they could be an answer to my prayers. The thought of even destroying those embryos seems wrong to me.
I don't write this to cause an uproar or upset anyone. These are just my own personal feelings and I apologize if anyone is offended by them. I use this blog as sort of a journal and I needed to get some things off my chest. I promise that someday soon I will post something a little more cheerful. I know I will have to because my little buddy Ayden will be here this weekend and one hug from him will make everything all better (for a little while at least). I will post some pictures of how much he has grown.
I am scared... no terrified, to use my last two embryos. I want so badly to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy child just once before moving on to adoption. I don't want my only memories of pregnancy to be mostly of fear and sadness. It wasn't like that all the time, up until I was 20 weeks I was enjoying it very much, and I tried so hard after the news to enjoy my time with Avery but it was hard. It was so hard to talk to her, read to her, sing to her, and not think that it would be the only time I would have with her on this earth. So as hard as I tried to be happy... the sadness was always there.
I think people may be wondering why I am so against adopting because we keep trying so hard to get pregnant. Those mothers out there who have struggled with infertility before they had a child probably know what I am talking about. The miracle of carrying a child is indescribable and to finally have it after wishing for it for so long makes it so much sweeter. I really do hope that someday we adopt, but I know it will not be able to happen for a few years at least. I am not against it at all but I am stubbornly going to keep trying to get pregnant while we have a shot. This is why I am terrified to use our last two embryos. If it doesn't work then I will have to admit that it's over. It will be then that the idea of me being pregnant just one more time will be a long lost dream. This is something I am going to struggle with until it is all said and done and I can't change it.
I have been struggling lately with a lot of things that are wearing me out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have finals next week and my desire to get my GPA up has me stressed beyond comprehension. I have to have my application for the Radiology program in by January 10th and still have a lot of work to do before then and my GPA really needs to look good before my transcript gets sent out. I have this huge fear of not getting in and not knowing what to do with my life for the next year! Then there is the stress eating... I eat when I am stressed and I don't eat healthy foods. I eat chocolate and chips and cookies and anything that will add inches to my waist and thighs. So to counteract this eating I have been trying to work out which makes me tired... too tired to clean my house or study for my finals. Then of course there is the emotional stress of trying to decide what to do next as far as our family is concerned. How long do we wait before we try again? Is Skeet's work schedule going to interfere with any of our plans? Am I going to have to put it all off for months until we are both in a position where we can spend some time with the doctors? Most importantly, how much longer can I wait before I start going crazy? It all seems so trivial but that is what consumes me most days lately.
Does anyone out there watch Private Practice? I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy and didn't like Addison much while on that show but for some reason I followed her to her spin-off and have only continued to watch because I think Pete is pretty hot! Plus I like to see the sometimes silly fertility cases they portray on the show. This weeks show really ticked me off. They brought in a doctor to perform abortions in the same office that they do IVF and other fertility treatments. As a sufferer of infertility I know that if my doctor allowed women to have abortions under the same roof that I spend hours and thousands of dollars to try to conceive I would no longer be a patient of that doctor. It was ridiculous the way that some tried to convince others that it was perfectly okay. I have a feeling it will cause some problems in the future on the show but I don't know if I will be watching to find out. I don't usually get so worked up over make believe but I am appalled that the writers thought this storyline would be acceptable in any way.
If you can't tell I am not a huge fan of abortion. I just think there are way too many women out there waiting to adopt children, if a women doesn't want her baby what is 9 months to give someone a life and a couple their dreams? I understand that there are circumstances that cause need for termination but I believe that it is used too freely in our world today. I think the reason that I have such strong feelings is because my daughter was alive to me the minute her heart started beating and if anyone were to stop her heart intentionally, it would have killed her. I have two potential babies waiting for me and even though they are only a few cells right now, they could be an answer to my prayers. The thought of even destroying those embryos seems wrong to me.
I don't write this to cause an uproar or upset anyone. These are just my own personal feelings and I apologize if anyone is offended by them. I use this blog as sort of a journal and I needed to get some things off my chest. I promise that someday soon I will post something a little more cheerful. I know I will have to because my little buddy Ayden will be here this weekend and one hug from him will make everything all better (for a little while at least). I will post some pictures of how much he has grown.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)