Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Back to work

First of all I need to apologize for not wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving sooner! I hope everyone had a great holiday and were able to take some time to ponder what you are thankful for. I would like to take a moment to share a few things I am very thankful for. I am so thankful for my husband, without him I would be completely lost. We don't always understand each other and we don't always agree but we love each other deeply and I truly believe we were meant to be! I am thankful for my family and for my in-laws. They have been such a great source of support and comfort to us over the past couple of years. For my friends, old and new, you are all so special to me. I am thankful for my health. This one is especially important to me right now seeing how I just got over the stomach flu and am so happy that I feel better. This year I have something new to be thankful for... my daughter. I still wish, more than anything, that she could still be with us and be a happy, healthy little girl; but I know that she was too special to stay here on this earth. And although we didn't have a lot of time with her she has been such a huge blessing. She has helped to make me a better person. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love my little girl. She has helped me work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and she has helped me to realize that love and family are the most important things and life is too short to spend time worrying about the things we cannot change.

I am, of course, thankful for many other things but I know you all don't have all day to read my rantings so I will move on. I returned to work on Tuesday after recovering from the 24 hour flu bug I fought on Monday. (It's pretty bad when you have to call in sick on your first day back to work) Things at work haven't changed much, and everyone is being really nice to me. But, it is still so hard for me to be there. I keep thinking about how I should be taking another 6 weeks off to care for a new baby, and that the last time everyone saw me I was happily plump and my little girl was still alive. I have been fighting the tears off for the past two days so that people don't think that I am losing it. They all look at my like I may lose it any minute as it is. Especially when they come into my office to tell me that they are so sorry for my loss. All I can say is thank you and then there is awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I would love to talk about Avery but they don't ask and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I suffer in silence praying that someone would just ask me about her. I am so proud of my daughter, she was beautiful and such a special little girl. I think that after a week or so I will be able to get through a day at work without wanting to scream at everyone to stop pretending like she never happened. I know I am not being fair... I think I may be dealing with the "anger" stage of grieving. Or maybe I wasn't quite ready to go back to work. Either way I know it will get easier I just have to stay positive and remember that it is just a job and there are more important things in life.

Sorry to say, I have no pictures yet. Well I have one and I will post it but please keep in mind that it isn't a very good picture. It was one that was taken with our sub-par camera and I tried to make it look better. You may not see her the way I do but I think she is the sweetest little angel ever! And you can't tell from this picture but she had a full head of jet black hair just like I did when I was a baby. I knew she would after all that heartburn.

Well off to bed....

7 comments:

amy said...

Candi,
I just want you to know how awesome that I think you are. You are so strong and such a wonderful Mother. I know someday that you will be with Avery and be able to take care of her the way you have wanted to since the very beginning. I admire your desire to get closer to Heavenly Father. He loves you and only wants what is best for you. He is taking very good care of your precious baby girl until you can be with her again. Stay close to him and he will help you through the hard times. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you or if you just want to talk about it.
love ya,
amy

Anonymous said...

Candi,

What a beautiful, sweet little girl Avery is. Keep putting your faith in God, and keep your marraige strong. Again, Avery is beautiful...absolutely beautiful.

Candi

Jennifer said...

Oh my God Candi, she is absolutely beautiful. If this is a "bad" picture I can't imagine how beautiful a "good" one will look! Thank you for sharing this truly special gift with all of us! I still think about you and Skeet and check your blog daily. Prayers are still with you as you struggle through this awful time.

Jennifer

Krysta said...

Absolutely, positively, GORGEOUS!

XOXO-Krysta

Clare Dungey said...

Candi,
Thank you for finding my blog and posting on it. I have just read your blog and wept for all you have been through. I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel! Avery is so beautiful and reminds me so much of my Theodore. I understand the pride and joy you feel when you look at that photo, I feel the same for Theo. We were blessed with beautiful special babies and I know their little lives had so much purpose.
I would love to email you to talk more and support each other - my email is on my blog.

I'm so glad you have turned to your Heavenly Father for comfort - I know that is the key to my survival through all this.

From one Proud Mummy to another,
Clare Dungey xxx

Anonymous said...

She is gorgeous! Look at those cheeks! Thanks so much for sharing.

The people closest to you would would probably be more than happy to talk to you about Avery, but I bet they are afraid to bring it up so as not to make you sad. Sort of silly, considering that there's no way around your sadness right now, of course.

I am thinking of you.

Jennifer said...

Me again, just left a comment on your birth announcement posting. I am so relating...I LOVE to talk about my baby! And going back to wor--it has been the worst. I was due Jan 15 but had her Nov 1. On my first day back, a week after she was born, I just kept thinking THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE APRIL. That first day back after baby was supposed to be in April, and I was supposed to be crying because I was such a bad mommy who put her baby in daycare. Not crying because her baby had already come and gone. Loving your blog...