Monday, November 12, 2007

The Aftermath

I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog, and while I was trying to decide I realized how much I need to get out my thoughts and this is the perfect way! Whether or not anyone reads it, it can help me to heal.. so here I go again. I have been patiently waiting for Dr. Sanders to finish photoshopping our photos. I am seeing him this week for my 5 week check up and I hope he will have them done so that I can post a few. I can hardly believe it's been a month. It doesn't seem to be getting easier either. I am starting to wonder if it will ever get easier.

The closer I get to my original due date the more I miss having Avery growing inside of me. I lie awake at night and try to remember how it felt when she kicked or pushed against me. As hard as my pregnancy was I would give anything to have her with me still. We had family pictures taken this weekend for my side of the family. I was so strong through the whole thing just holding on to my teddy bear that I brought to represent Avery. As soon as they were done I broke down. It had been tearing me apart thinking that it's not fair that my sister and sister-in-law were able to hold their babies on their laps and mine I had to hold in my heart. I wish that we could have done the pictures while I was still pregnant so that Avery could have been in the picture in some way. Now every time I look at that photo I will only see what is missing.

I have been taking Prozac to help with the depression, mostly because Skeet wants me to. I think it is starting to work. It seems to be getting easier to get out of bed in the mornings although Avery is still the first thing on my mind when I wake. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up only to find that it's all been a bad dream and I will be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby girl. It probably isn't healthy for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I miss my baby so much. I visit the cemetery 2-3 times a week just so I can talk to her.

I attended church at my home ward this Sunday. It was the first time in 3 years that I have attended our ward. I went and sat by myself and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is something that I have been wanting to do for well over a year but now I have an obligation to. I can't help but think that Avery is counting on me to do the right thing and I can't let her down. I wonder if God sent her to me to give me the push I needed to get my life in order. I know that isn't the only reason we were blessed with such a special baby but I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I will never push Skeet but I hope someday he will decide to join me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in a month. I hope that I can keep going and not go back to my old ways.

I don't know if anyone is still checking this but I hope to have some pictures of Avery posted by next week. I cannot wait to show her off. She is so beautiful. I plan on posting now and then to keep myself sane. If you are still reading I want to thank you again for keeping Avery in your prayers. Until next time.....

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm still reading! You are a beautiful writer and I look forward to seeing the pictures. Hugs to you. I will be thinking of you.

The Valiant Family Updates said...

Candi,

I check in all too often to see if you have more to say...it's amazing how our babies bring us together in a common bond. I find myself wondering if you check in on us. I've emailed you a few times and never heard back so I figured it's just too hard. I know when I was going thru infretility and miscarraige, etc (although it was wrong) I didn't want any part of others who were happy little pregnant people. New moms were the hardest. I wanted what they had and the olnly way I could cope (then ) was distance. Now, I am on this side of the fence-having what many want. I have children-I have heart ache too though and I pray for you frequently. I think you said it quite eloquently "God gave you Avery" for reasons-many reasons I'm sure. He gave her for many of us. Look how man people have been brought nearer to Him because of her. Many people who don't know the Lord even prayed to HIM for YOU! It IS HARD to be the person God uses. Though it doesn't feel like it, you are blessed. God is using Avery to better the World. I am so gald you posted again and I will continue to check back for posts. You have been an inspiration thru your candidness and honesty. Ok, I guess enough rambling. I will continue to pray that your days get easier and you step "closer to the water each day, until you find yourself letting the tide take you in-and you can again, go for a swim".

Anonymous said...

I still check...and I still pray, for you and Avery and Skeet. God sent Avery to you for a reason, you will find it in due time, I have faith in that. Do what makes you feel you close to Avery. It will help you heal, and help you find your purpose...and Avery's.

With daily prayers and thoughts of healing for you,

Candi

Anonymous said...

I found you link through baby center and used to check every week. I now check every morning when i get to work. God bless you and you will stay in my prayers.

Dao said...

Candi,
this is dao from your babycenter group. i check your blog often and still praying for you. keep strong and keep praying. the group hopes to see you back on board sometime. we miss you.

Jennifer said...

Cat and I talk about you often and have been hoping you would feel like posting again. We are all still thinking of you and praying for you. I know that doesn't help much to ease the pain of your terrible loss, but at least you can be sure we still care. I am anxiously awaiting pictures of sweet Avery. She really mattered to so many people Candi. What you went through and continue to go through isn't for nothing. She'll always be special to all of us whose lives she touched.

amy said...

I just wanted to let you know I tagged you if you are up to it. Check out my blog for the details...)

theidahoklan said...

Candi,
I happen to find your blog page today on Amy's and I want you to know that even though I am in Idaho know that I have prayed for You, Skeet and Avery often. Mom said that Charise made a precious little book for Avery and she has one for me. My heart aches for you everyday and I pray for you. Stay close to God, I won't say it will get easier, you will just learn to cope a little more each day. Remember everyday you get up is for Avery, she wouldn't want you to give up. Keep blogging I will actually get to find out what is going on in your life. Know that I love you and think of you often. Love ya, Amber

How Life is Measured said...

Candi,
I hope you know how strong you are, even if you don't feel like it. In the too short while that Baby Avery was with us, she inspired more people than some of us will our entire lives. I check often and hope that you will continue to blog.
Love
Cat

~Denise~ said...

I found your blog on another blog and just wanted to let you know that one more person holds you in their hearts. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jessica McNeely said...

Hi it's Jessica from the Miracle Angels group. I want you to know that I pray for you a lot. I am the one who is currently 32 weeks pregnant with a TD girl. I think one thing that helps me is that I just remember that Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy but that God comes to give life and as hard as this is I refuse to let Satan steal my joy at having a daughter. Every time I get down and I feel like the days are too hard and that I can't possibly do this anymore I just remember that and it gives me the power to get through. I will continue to pray for you and I hope you keep in touch.

Tonya said...

Candi,

Thank you for continuing to post! I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, but know, God did give you Avery for a reason! You will find the reason's and when you do, your life will be greater than imagined!!

We think of you often! Continue to pray, continue to remember and above all, continue to love your daughter because SHE IS YOURS and you graciously have shared her with us!!

http://blogsmonroe.com/disability

Staceygirl said...

Candi
I wanted to let you know that I am still wanting to check up on you by reading your blog. I think of you almost every day. I know what has happened with your little girl and your family has made you feel very sad, it has made everyone very sad for you and your beautiful family. I was wanting to wait and let a little bit of time go by before I posted a comment. I have said prayers for you and Avery and she IS a very special girl. As she always will be to you and everyone else. Everytime I talk to Charise I ask about you. I really want to send my sympathies and tell you if you ever want to talk about it, please just give me a call. I am a pretty good listener and sometimes that is all we need. I went back to work yesterday, so I know that it must be very hard for you to feel like everything is normal again, after all, Avery changed your life, you should be able to talk about it, even if it is at work, or home, or church, anywhere! I look forward to seeing all your pictures of your beautiful girl with jet black hair. Please keep your chin up and remember that there are sooooooooo many people that care about you, Avery, Skeet and what you have to say. Call me if you ever need to talk. 214-986-9563. This is Stacey Bell from Dallas, I hope you remember me.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Stacey Bell Riley