I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog, and while I was trying to decide I realized how much I need to get out my thoughts and this is the perfect way! Whether or not anyone reads it, it can help me to heal.. so here I go again. I have been patiently waiting for Dr. Sanders to finish photoshopping our photos. I am seeing him this week for my 5 week check up and I hope he will have them done so that I can post a few. I can hardly believe it's been a month. It doesn't seem to be getting easier either. I am starting to wonder if it will ever get easier.
The closer I get to my original due date the more I miss having Avery growing inside of me. I lie awake at night and try to remember how it felt when she kicked or pushed against me. As hard as my pregnancy was I would give anything to have her with me still. We had family pictures taken this weekend for my side of the family. I was so strong through the whole thing just holding on to my teddy bear that I brought to represent Avery. As soon as they were done I broke down. It had been tearing me apart thinking that it's not fair that my sister and sister-in-law were able to hold their babies on their laps and mine I had to hold in my heart. I wish that we could have done the pictures while I was still pregnant so that Avery could have been in the picture in some way. Now every time I look at that photo I will only see what is missing.
I have been taking Prozac to help with the depression, mostly because Skeet wants me to. I think it is starting to work. It seems to be getting easier to get out of bed in the mornings although Avery is still the first thing on my mind when I wake. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up only to find that it's all been a bad dream and I will be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby girl. It probably isn't healthy for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I miss my baby so much. I visit the cemetery 2-3 times a week just so I can talk to her.
I attended church at my home ward this Sunday. It was the first time in 3 years that I have attended our ward. I went and sat by myself and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is something that I have been wanting to do for well over a year but now I have an obligation to. I can't help but think that Avery is counting on me to do the right thing and I can't let her down. I wonder if God sent her to me to give me the push I needed to get my life in order. I know that isn't the only reason we were blessed with such a special baby but I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I will never push Skeet but I hope someday he will decide to join me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in a month. I hope that I can keep going and not go back to my old ways.
I don't know if anyone is still checking this but I hope to have some pictures of Avery posted by next week. I cannot wait to show her off. She is so beautiful. I plan on posting now and then to keep myself sane. If you are still reading I want to thank you again for keeping Avery in your prayers. Until next time.....