I thought I worried about my boys before... before last Friday when I heard the awful news of the tragic event in CT. Now, I am a mess. I have always been a worrier... I get it from my own mom. I worry over just about everything, but I especially worry about my boys. Their health, whether or not they are eating enough, if I am being a good mom and a good example. I worry about them getting hurt, emotionally and physically. I worry that I might not be around to see them grow up and if that is the case, whether or not someone will make sure to tell them every day how much I love them, how much they were longed for and wanted, and how they made me the happiest mom on the face of the earth. After last Friday, I don't want to ever let them out of my sight. I just want to hold onto them and try to protect them from everything evil in this world. I know I can't possibly do that but after everything I went through to get them here, with me, I sure do wish it was possible. I feel guilt for bringing them into a world that has so much evil but I have been trying to remind myself that there is still much more good and I need to focus on that. I need to teach my boys to focus on that. I have hugged and kissed on them so much over the last few days that I am sure they are sick of me, but I can't stop. I can't stop telling them how much I love them and how lucky I feel to be their mom. They probably don't understand me and they probably won't remember at this point but some day they will be old enough to remember and I want to take every opportunity I can, so there is never a question in their minds.
The recent tragic events has caused me to reevaluate my life and try to prioritize things a bit more. I want to be a good example to my boys and be the best possible mom I can be for them because they deserve that and so much more. My goal is to strive to be better. At everything. At being a mom.
At being patient and understanding. At being more spiritual and doing a better job of inviting the spirit into our home. I want to be a better wife and give them a better home environment. I am all too aware of the fact that I fought very hard, and prayed even harder to have children and I owe it to them and to our Heavenly Father to do the best possible job in raising them.
The problem is that I have experienced loss. No, my loss was nothing like those poor families in CT are feeling. I did have to bury a child and I still think it is the worst possible thing a parent could ever have to do, but our loss was nothing close to as tragic as having your child's life ripped away by some crazed psychopath with no soul. We were told early on that our daughter would die. We were given weeks to wrap our head around the idea. It still sucks and we still miss her daily but our pain is nothing in comparison to what the parents of those 20 beautiful little children must be feeling. However, I have still felt the grief of an immense loss and now I know that I am not immune to bad things happening. I cannot say that bad things won't happen to me or my family because they have and I am painfully aware of that. I have not been on a plane since my aunt Val died in a plane crash. I am terrified of them now. I am sure eventually I will get back on one but it will cause me some major anxiety. Some days I get so anxious about and scared of what could possibly happen that I start to have mini panic attacks and I have to talk myself out of thinking certain things. I think the only thing I can do to make myself feel better is to spend as much time with my family as I can and make sure that they know how much they are loved. I will protect my boys as best I can but I know that some things are out of our control, out of my hands, and I need to just accept that and make the best of everyday, in case it is my last.
Over the last couple of months I have been trying to make some decisions about work, school and my home life. Whatever I choose can possibly make a big impact on my family and it's been a tough decision to make. In light of recent events though I think I have finally made up my mind and even though I still sometimes go back and forth on the decision I know where I am leaning and it will mean big changes, and sacrifices for me and my family. When things are final I will post more but as I have prayed about these decisions I have been trying to separate feelings of excitement and even of the spirit with feelings of anxiety. Sometimes, to me, they feel the same and even are the same. When my chest wells up with a burning sensation I have to take a minute and try to decide if that is my fear or if it is my Heavenly Father trying to tell me something, or even both, because if I am not paying close attention, sometimes I can't tell a difference. Anyhow, whatever I do finally decide, I just hope it's the right choice and that our family will be better in the long run because of it.
My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who has been directly and indirectly affected by the tragedy in CT. How something like this could happen is beyond me but one thing I try to remind myself is that He is in control and He is merciful. I like to believe that He was with each and every victim, calming them and welcoming them into his arms before the shots even reached them so they wouldn't have to die in fear or pain. I hope that those left behind will allow Him to comfort them and bring them peace. I hope that He will bring me peace so that I don't have to live in fear.