Friday, August 17, 2012

35 weeks

This pregnancy is almost over and I cannot believe it!!  I don't have anything ready for Cooper's arrival and I am having such mixed emotions about everything.  Having Sawyer has been better than I ever imagined having a child could be.  To me, he is perfect in every way.  I am sure most people think he is spoiled rotten, and maybe he is.  I try to teach him right from wrong and discipline him as much as you can a 15 month old but his sweet little face, smile, and kisses, usually get him his way more often than not.  Not only with me but with everyone that knows him.  His daddy is the worst.  Daddy doesn't want to say no or make Sawyer upset so when daddy is around Sawyer gets whatever he wants.  I don't know how much this is going to change when Cooper arrives.  I am scared.  Scared that the very little amount of time I have had to spend with Sawyer won't be enough to give both of my boys the attention they deserve.  I am scared that Sawyer will be sad, feel left out, or even be angry at me and the baby.  I want to make sure that I can still show him every day how much he is loved and how special he is.  It may be a little bit easier when Skeet is around more and can take some of the pressure off of me to be both mom and dad.  I try to make the most of my time with Sawyer and I know that with a new baby it won't be as easy. 
Then I think about poor Cooper.  When we brought Sawyer home I didn't want to miss a second of anything with him so I had the hardest time wanting to put him down. I would hold him for hours enjoying the feeling of his warm, tiny body in my arms.  I want to still be able to have moments like that with Cooper but am afraid that I will be spending too much time chasing Sawyer around and trying to keep him out of trouble or keep him from hurting himself (we have a dare devil on our hands).  It's sad to think that Cooper will spend a lot more time in his swing or bouncy chair than Sawyer ever did but I think that will be the reality of it.  It makes me feel bad but I know it has to be done because now I will have 2 babies demanding my time and attention. 
I guess my biggest fear is that when I have 2 kids at home to take care of, I won't be a good mom.  It's been hard to be a good mom while I am pregnant.  I spend more time watching Sawyer play lately, than I do getting down and playing with him (because it hurts too bad to get on his level and don't even get me started about getting up).  I've done my best this pregnancy to make sure that Sawyer isn't affected too much by the fact that I am not as energetic and mobile as I would have been otherwise but it's not been easy these last few weeks and I have had to rely on my parents and my sister more and more.  When Skeet is home it is so nice to know that I can sit and rest and not feel guilty that I am not taking advantage of every moment because I know their time together is precious too. 
I hope I don't come across as ungrateful in this post.  I am so incredibly thankful for all that I have.  I know what a huge blessing this pregnancy is, especially because I didn't think we'd get lucky enough to have another child.  I am so excited to meet Cooper and watch him grow.  To see how much he's like Sawyer, like me or like Skeet.  To wonder if Avery would have been more like him or like Sawyer.  I am excited to see a friendship grow between brothers.  I hope that they will love each other, stick up for each other, and lean on each other as they grow.  I have discovered that there are so many more emotions that come with having 2 living children.  I am sure the worries will double but so will the joy. 
I am still scared about my boys growing up though. I don't want them to grow up too fast.  Especially Sawyer now that he's going to be a big brother.  I hope that we can do everything in our power to make sure he gets to stay a kid as long as possible.  Last night I went in to check on him after he was sleeping and I woke him on purpose accidentally when I adjusted his blanket.  Then I had to pick him up of course and cuddle him until he went back to sleep.  I sat there holding him.  His sweet little head on my shoulder, and I couldn't help but wish there was some way I could engrave that moment into my mind and always remember how it feels to hold my little man that way.  The day is soon coming when he'll be too big and too cool to hug on mom and I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or what but that thought makes me want to cry.  I want him to stay sweet and innocent forever! 

Well enough of my ramblings... I'm not going to do a regular pregnancy update until next week but I will share a belly shot from 34 weeks... 

1 comment:

Jess said...

You don't know me, but I followed your blog after Avery had passed, I have a little boy her age. I am so excited to see that you are a Mom to not only one, but almost two cute boys!! You are amazing & beautiful & so very blessed! You inspire me To update my blog as well, don't stop posting! I've had trials in pregnancy, but not like yours. We almost lost both babies and I had to be revived, so I know how scary things can be. I've always kept you & sweet Avery in my prayers & will continue to do so. I promise I'm not some crazy stalker, just found you through a friend of a friend & I couldn't be happier for you :) Sanders actually delivered my first child...Well my thoughts & prayers are with you through your delivery. That will be so awesome having the two boys so close together, best friends for life! Take care :)