This song (by George Strait) came out in early 2008. When I first heard it, and really listened to the words, I cried. Like ugly crying that makes your eyes and nose swollen. It really is such a touching song and I still think of it often and still get teary eyed when it comes on the radio. I am not a huge fan of Mr. Strait but this song touches my heart in just the right way. I think mostly because when it came out we were still reeling over the birth/loss/burial of our little girl, but there was something else.
I have this thing I do. I have these episodes where I will over analyze things, or maybe over think is a better way to put it. I give myself anxiety attacks when I start to really think about why things are the way they are, how many people there really are on this earth, how big the universe is, and even how things came to be. I don't know if other people really think about this stuff but I do. A lot. And I am being completely honest when I say that I think about it so much that my heart starts to race, my breathing quickens and I feel like I need to crawl into bed, stick my head under the covers, and hide. I have never read the Old Testament and wonder if I did, if it would make me more likely to panic or less likely? I really should try and see if it helps me with these episodes.
Since we brought our second child into this world these episodes happen more often. I start to think of his future and what might be in store for him. I try to imagine what the world will be like when he's 18, graduating high school, and deciding where to go from there. I read the news these days and it seems like there is bad stuff everywhere! You rarely hear about the good and that, of course, does not help me with the anxiety at all. Sawyer is only 8 months old and I am already worried about him starting sports, riding a bike, making friends, going to church or school, getting a cavity filled, riding a bus, his first sleepover, etc., etc., etc. I am never going to keep him from doing things that he wants to do (within reason) but I know I will worry about him constantly. I want him to go out, experience the world, learn and grow but at the same time I want to put him in a bubble and never let anything bad ever happen to him. What if he is bullied at school? What if he is the bully? What if he's like me and has major social anxiety? What if he's too friendly and trusts people he shouldn't? A mom could go crazy with all of the things there are to worry about these days.
I guess I got a little off subject. My point today (yes that was a long rant, sorry) is that despite all of my panic and anxiety I am still amazed at how often I see God in everyday things. I so often wonder how people don't believe in God. Yesterday I was driving to work, listening to my sweet little boy talk to himself in the back seat, and the moon was just going down, it was full (or almost full), big (huge) and so very beautiful. It is something like that, or an amazing sunset, a snow covered mountain, or especially my little boys face, that make me realize that He is everywhere! I see Him all the time. If you just think of something like conception and how intricate and complicated it all is. Everything has to be timed just perfectly and it happens all the time, most of the time without any planning. I don't think women really think about what is really happening inside their body (or what has happened) while they are pregnant. Then they give birth to a beautiful, screaming baby (this, unfortunately, isn't always the case but even then... ) and they are instantly in love. How can you look into your child's face and not thank a Higher Power for such a miraculous blessing? Especially as they start growing and their personality starts to show. I am just in awe of Sawyer, his sweet spirit and his sense of humor. I know that he was chosen just for our family, just for me, and that he was waiting until the right time to join us.
Even when Avery was born, I believe that our Heavenly Father sent her to us for a reason. I will admit that I was angry with him, and I questioned him on a daily basis for years. I still do at times. But not once did I ever believe that He wasn't real or didn't exist.
I also have been thinking a lot about his love for us. The love I feel for Sawyer every time I look at him or even think of him is so all consuming and I have to believe that our Father in Heaven loves us that much or even more. I never really got that before Sawyer was born. I was stuck thinking that He might never forgive me for my past or that I was being punished because of choices I had made. It is only within the last 8 or so months that I have come to believe that I am probably wrong. I don't think there is anything Sawyer could do that I wouldn't forgive him for, whether or not he asked for forgiveness. I could never stop loving him because he made a mistake or a bad choice. I will always want what is best for him and although he will get punished occasionally, I don't think I could ever intentionally keep him from his dreams. I also understand now that we have to do what is best for our children, whether they understand it or not. I know this will become more evident as Sawyer grows but I finally understand that all those times when I thought my prayers weren't being heard, or answered; He was actually just thinking of what would be best for me. I am sure in the future I will still struggle with this but I am comforted knowing that He does answer our prayers and hope that I can remember that sometimes it won't be in the time or way that we want or expect him to. He knows what is best for us and I hope that I can remember to have faith in Him and be patient.
I am grateful for the times that I am able to really look at something/ someone and appreciate it's/their beauty and individuality.
There is one more thing I'd like to get out before I forget to. I prayed just about every day for 5+ years that I could have a baby. I prayed and prayed, hoping that one day it would just happen. I got so frustrated when others would get pregnant easily and I couldn't. It wasn't until I started praying for a way to have a baby that my prayers were answered and I came across the article on Ovarian Diathermy. It makes me sick to think that I almost gave up. I almost quit praying, and searching for a way to make our dreams come true. I am so glad I didn't give up on my dream. I am so grateful that I listened to that little something inside of me that told me I wouldn't be okay with being childless and there HAD to be a way!! I am also very grateful for the people along the way that helped us out; financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Thank you so much! I hope you know who you are! :)
I Saw God Today
Just walked down the street to the coffee shop
Had to take a break
I'd been by her side for 18 hours straight
Saw a flower growin' in the middle of the sidewalk
Pushin' up through the concrete
Like it was planted right there for me to see
The flashin' lights
The honkin' horns
All seemed to fade away
In the shadow of that hospital at 5:08
I saw God today
I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here
But I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today
Saw a couple walkin' by they were holdin' hands
Man she had that glow
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was startin' to show
Stood there for a minute takin' in the sky
Lost in that sunset
Splash of amber melted in the shades of red
I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here
But I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today
Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass
She's sleepin' like a rock
My name on her wrist
Wearin' tiny pink socks
She's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes
My brand new baby girl
She's a miracle
I saw God today
