Yesterday I went back to work. I had been dreading it for weeks and it came so fast! We found an awesome babysitter for Sawyer but I still didn't want to leave him. It had nothing to do with her, it was more that I had been spending my days with the little man and the thought of someone else doing that for me really made me have anxiety. I thought that he would forget me and I worried that someone that is a stranger to him would be spending more of his waking time with him than I would be. I was also worried, and I know this sounds silly, that he would forget that I am his mom! For weeks I have been trying not to think about the dreaded day when I had to leave him for 9+ hours a day but I couldn't avoid it and when I was getting him ready to go yesterday I just kept crying. When he would smile at me or start talking I would cry harder and when I buckled him into his car seat I thought I was going to have a complete and total breakdown. I cried all the way to the baby sitter's house and then made the mistake of taking him out of his car seat to say goodbye. It was awful and I will admit that I "ugly cried" all the way to work. He did spend about an hour and a half at work with me later that afternoon and that helped a ton. I don't know if I would have gotten through the day if I had not had that time.
So I made it through and I could hardly wait to go pick my little man up and give him hugs, kisses and smell his head ( I love the smell of his head.. I could smell and kiss it all day). I even made Skeet take us out to get take out last night because I didn't want to spend the time cooking when I could be trying to make my baby boy smile and coo.
As I was holding Sawyer last night (and smelling his head) I just felt so happy to have him in my arms again and it just reaffirmed that I know my soul purpose in this life is to be a mom to my incredible children and a wife to my amazing husband. There is nothing better than knowing why you exist! I may have to work to get the bills paid but my number one job is doing whatever I can to take care of my family. I can't believe it took me 30 years to figure that out! I hope that I never forget it and that I take full advantage of the little time I do have with my family. I am one lucky girl to have them!
Today wasn't much easier, leaving Sawyer with the sitter. I am sure it will take a week or two until I can leave him there without crying but at least I know he is being taken care of and that I get to see him when my long day is over! For now that will have to do until we can figure out some way that I can spend more time with him.
Have I said how much I love this little guy? He is so awesome!!