Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Survived!!

Yesterday I went back to work.  I had been dreading it for weeks and it came so fast!  We found an awesome babysitter for Sawyer but I still didn't want to leave him.  It had nothing to do with her, it was more that I had been spending my days with the little man and the thought of someone else doing that for me really made me have anxiety.  I thought that he would forget me and I worried that someone that is a stranger to him would be spending more of his waking time with him than I would be.  I was also worried, and I know this sounds silly, that he would forget that I am his mom!  For weeks I have been trying not to think about the dreaded day when I had to leave him for 9+ hours a day but I couldn't avoid it and when I was getting him ready to go yesterday I just kept crying.  When he would smile at me or start talking I would cry harder and when I buckled him into his car seat I thought I was going to have a complete and total breakdown.  I cried all the way to the baby sitter's house and then made the mistake of taking him out of his car seat to say goodbye.  It was awful and I will admit that I "ugly cried" all the way to work. He did spend about an hour and a half at work with me later that afternoon and that helped a ton. I don't know if I would have gotten through the day if I had not had that time. 

So I made it through and I could hardly wait to go pick my little man up and give him hugs, kisses and smell his head ( I love the smell of his head.. I could smell and kiss it all day).  I even made Skeet take us out to get take out last night because I didn't want to spend the time cooking when I could be trying to make my baby boy smile and coo. 

As I was holding Sawyer last night (and smelling his head) I just felt so happy to have him in my arms again and it just reaffirmed that I know my soul purpose in this life is to be a mom to my incredible children and a wife to my amazing husband.  There is nothing better than knowing why you exist!  I may have to work to get the bills paid but my number one job is doing whatever I can to take care of my family.  I can't believe it took me 30 years to figure that out!  I hope that I never forget it and that I take full advantage of the little time I do have with my family.  I am one lucky girl to have them!

Today wasn't much easier, leaving Sawyer with the sitter.  I am sure it will take a week or two until I can leave him there without crying but at least I know he is being taken care of and that I get to see him when my long day is over!  For now that will have to do until we can figure out some way that I can spend more time with him.

Have I said how much I love this little guy?  He is so awesome!!


Lightning Strikes said...

I knew you could do it!! I'm glad you have a great babysitter!! Reading this blog makes me miss doing Daycare! The little girl I watched was about Sawyer's age when I started with her, and once she got bigger, she would clap her hands and squeal and smile when she came. Her mom felt bad, but I told her that just meant that she liked me, and that she would be even happier when she came to pick her up. Seeing the little girl's face light up when her mom came was priceless!!

Rae said...

He's so cute Candi! I'm so happy for you!