Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2.8

Today we saw a slight improvement in the length of my cervix.  Last Friday it measured at 2.6 and today it was 2.8.  Nothing to celebrate about but an improvement none the less.  Dr. S has decided to see me once a week now that I have hit the 24 week mark.  So that means I don't go back again until next Thursday!  I am going to be a nervous wreck until then I am sure.  He also checked to see if the funneling got worse if he put pressure on my cervix.  It did not, which is a good sign.  It points more towards contractions causing the funneling and not the size/weight of the baby and the pressure he is putting on my cervix.  This makes me feel a little bit better, only because Sawyer is quickly approaching Avery's birth weight and height. Can you believe it?  Sawyer is almost the same size as Avery was at 32 weeks.  Now when I think about how big he is now I can just picture holding her cute little body.

I have been thinking about Avery a lot lately.  I am scared that once Sawyer is here, people will expect me to just get over what we have been through.  I do have to admit that he has already helped me heal more than I ever thought possible.  However, I will never forget Avery and I will forever wonder what our lives would have been like had she been able to stay with us.  I still thank my Heavenly Father for her when I pray. I thank Him for letting her be part of our family, for all she taught us, and the blessings she brought into our lives.  We are forever changed because of her and I never want to forget that. 

I know Sawyer will change us too, in different ways.  I also thank Heavenly Father for him.  For blessing us with this amazing miracle.  I also beg Him to not take this baby away from me, to let me have a chance at raising him, and for him to be healthy and strong.  And of course that my body will be strong enough to carry him.  I think Heavenly Father may be getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over but I don't really know what else to say (I do say other things too... but this is repeated daily). 

I love Sawyer, so much.  More than I thought possible at this point.  I love Avery too, but I put up my defenses with her.  I knew I couldn't keep her and I didn't want to let myself get too attached.  She will forever be my daughter and I will love her forever, but this is so different.  These emotions are something I am feeling for the very first time.  Every movement I feel, and every time I hear his heartbeat, I fall more in love.  I have let myself believe that this time we will actually be bringing our baby home, we will get to love on him and watch him grow.  It is such an overwhelming but amazing feeling.  I can't get enough of it.  Of course, I will watch him grow and play and wish that Avery were there to teach him, be his big "little" sister and be his first friend.  I will get comfort though, in the fact that I know she will be watching over him.  We will talk to him about her and make sure he knows that his big sister is proud of him and with him always. 

Sorry for my emotional rant... I am really tired today and because of that, more emotional.  I just feel so blessed to be where I am right now and to have made it this far.  Every day, every week, past today is one step closer to our little boy having a real shot at a healthy, normal birth and I will be so grateful for every extra day we get.  Thank you for your prayers.  They are greatly appreciated as are your encouraging words.  Love you all!!

8 comments:

Kate Glenn said...

And again I say YOU ARE SO STRONG AND INCREDIBLE AND AMAZING!!! I love you !!!!

Mari Burgess said...

Candi you have nothing to apologize for! I'm so beyond happy for you... and can't wait for Sawyer and Baby #4's playdates!! YAY!

The Reluctant Blogger said...

I got teary reading your post today. I am so glad you have made it this far and are doing well! I can not wait to read more about your pregnancy, birth story and the on going story a Mother has. Hugs to you!

Four Ransom's said...

Lovely! This stranger is so happy for you!

Rae said...

Happy 24 weeks!

Tayce and Lacie said...

Candi,
I pray for you every day. I hope for Sawyer to come home too. I love reading your updates and so happy that 24 weeks have come. I know that I don't know you much, but my prayers and thoughts are with you. Know that I am a phone call away if you need anything at all.

Lacie

Kenzie said...

Candi what I love about your blog is that you write exactly how you are feeling. Real raw emotions and things people feel but don't dare write about. Even thought no one will ever understand what you are going through you allow us to read a tiny taste of the pain you have endured. I don't think you will ever ever "get over" what you have experienced but hopefully this baby will help you concentrate on happiness and the miracle of mother hood instead of your daughter being taken from you. I hope your little guy stays in there for a real long time because preemies are emotionally straining but I think you'll agree that we'll take 'em when we can get 'em.

Heidi and Mike said...

As I sit here wiping my tears, I wanted to let you know how excited I am for you. I'm glad that things are going so well. I pray your little guy stays put until he's supposed to arrive. I also love that you write exactly how you're feeling. You're a very strong person. Thanks for sharing!