I know I haven't posted anything about Avery lately but that doesn't mean that I don't think about her every day, most of the day actually. Lately I have been thinking about how much I wish I could feel her with me, or have some kind of comforting experience like a dream or a good feeling. The only dreams I have ever had about my sweet daughter were right after she was born and they weren't good, or comforting at all. They were horrible and sad. I hear stories of other mothers who have amazing experiences and feel their angel babies close to them. I don't know that I have had anything quite like that. I like to believe that she is with me and that I will see her again. I can't even imagine how I could cope if I didn't believe that I will see her and hold her again. I have been thinking about this more and more lately.
I haven't been to church since the bi-chemical pregnancy. I don't know why but the thought of going back gives me anxiety and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I think by the time we did our last FET I had convinced myself that if my Heavenly Father really loved me, he wouldn't make me suffer the disappointment of another miscarriage or loss. I had decided that I wouldn't get my hopes up unless I really had a reason to and that if the pregnancy test came back negative then that was just the way it was supposed to be. Even when I started having the pregnancy symptoms I tried to talk myself out of thinking that it was because I was pregnant. It wasn't until the day of my pregnancy test that I let myself believe that I could in fact be pregnant. I let myself do so because while sitting at breakfast with Skeet after having my blood drawn in Las Vegas, I gagged when I caught a wiff of his coffee, a smell I usually love. I honestly could not handle the scent and I knew it wasn't all in my head. So I let myself believe that on that day I would be getting the amazing news that I had longed for for so long. Then, later that day, while I was cleaning off the headstone of my only child, I got the phone call that broke my heart. My heart still has not mended from that day. It was an awful day. Knowing that I had been pregnant, but only for a moment, it made me put up a wall. After that I didn't want to go back and sit at church and see all those new babies and pregnant mommies and be constantly reminded of what I have had taken away from me again and again. I couldn't open up my heart and soul again, and I didn't feel loved anymore. I felt hurt and betrayed. I have often wondered if this is why I don't have those peaceful feelings about Avery, or the dreams of her that would bring me comfort.
I don't know. For well over a year I attended my church meetings, said my prayers faithfully, read my scriptures, paid my tithing (for the most part and for the first time in my life) and served in my callings and even during those times I did not have one experience that made me feel comforted or that she was close by. I was doing everything right, so why didn't I feel better? If anything I felt worse. I second guessed my every decision. I felt like I was constantly judging myself and every little mistake I made was going to keep me from ever seeing my little girl again. I didn't grow up in an actively religious family and to be honest... I know very little about my religion. I do know that I have been to other church services for other religions and I have never felt that they were right for me, they were never as comfortable as the services I attended as a child-the few times that we did attend. But was that just because that was all I knew?? I am not saying I have never felt the spirit, I have and I know that. The night Avery was born, I felt the spirit very strongly, but I don't know that it was hers.
I guess right now I am just frustrated and scared. I have been trying to talk myself in to going back to church for months now because I want to feel better. I want to feel close to my Heavenly Father and more than anything I want to feel close to my daughter. I just don't want to go back to beating myself up over every mistake I have ever made and will ever make. I was told once that Satan will work on me harder when he knows that I am trying to do what is right. That doesn't seem fair. It is hard enough without thinking that I will never again be able to make a decision without Satan trying to persuade me to make the wrong one. Is that really what life is supposed to be like? I have a hard time believing that a Father that loves us more than we can comprehend, and wants the very best for us, would keep me from being with my daughter again because I can't find the strength to sit through meetings where I can't help but be constantly reminded of what I don't have and so desperately want. When I should leave feeling happy and fulfilled, but actually leave feeling beat down and depressed. Does He really want that for me?
I am sorry to make this post all about faith, something I guess I have very little of right now. I have been holding on to these feelings for months now and just needed to get them out and have a good cry at the same time. I only ask that if you comment, please don't lecture me about religion and don't make it a religion debate.
I miss my daughter. I love my daughter. I am a mother with empty arms and it hurts.
P.S. Keep in mind that I am extremely hormonal right now and lonely without my hubby here. I do know that I am blessed with so many things in my life, I just needed a little vent session.