Friday, February 5, 2010

Thinking about Miss Avery

I know I haven't posted anything about Avery lately but that doesn't mean that I don't think about her every day, most of the day actually.  Lately I have been thinking about how much I wish I could feel her with me, or have some kind of comforting experience like a dream or a good feeling.  The only dreams I have ever had about my sweet daughter were right after she was born and they weren't good, or comforting at all.  They were horrible and sad.  I hear stories of other mothers who have amazing experiences and feel their angel babies close to them.  I don't know that I have had anything quite like that.  I like to believe that she is with me and that I will see her again.  I can't even imagine how I could cope if I didn't believe that I will see her and hold her again.  I have been thinking about this more and more lately. 
I haven't been to church since the bi-chemical pregnancy.  I don't know why but the thought of going back gives me anxiety and makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I think by the time we did our last FET I had convinced myself that if my Heavenly Father really loved me, he wouldn't make me suffer the disappointment of another miscarriage or loss.  I had decided that I wouldn't get my hopes up unless I really had a reason to and that if the pregnancy test came back negative then that was just the way it was supposed to be.  Even when I started having the pregnancy symptoms I tried to talk myself out of thinking that it was because I was pregnant.  It wasn't until the day of my pregnancy test that I let myself believe that I could in fact be pregnant.  I let myself do so because while sitting at breakfast with Skeet after having my blood drawn in Las Vegas, I gagged when I caught a wiff of his coffee, a smell I usually love.  I honestly could not handle the scent and I knew it wasn't all in my head.  So I let myself believe that on that day I would be getting the amazing news that I had longed for for so long.  Then, later that day, while I was cleaning off the headstone of my only child, I got the phone call that broke my heart.  My heart still has not mended from that day.  It was an awful day.  Knowing that I had been pregnant, but only for a moment, it made me put up a wall.  After that I didn't want to go back and sit at church and see all those new babies and pregnant mommies and be constantly reminded of what I have had taken away from me again and again.  I couldn't open up my heart and soul again, and I didn't feel loved anymore.  I felt hurt and betrayed.  I have often wondered if this is why I don't have those peaceful feelings about Avery, or the dreams of her that would bring me comfort. 

I don't know.  For well over a year I attended my church meetings, said my prayers faithfully, read my scriptures, paid my tithing (for the most part and for the first time in my life) and served in my callings and even during those times I did not have one experience that made me feel comforted or that she was close by.  I was doing everything right, so why didn't I feel better?  If anything I felt worse.  I second guessed my every decision.  I felt like I was constantly judging myself and every little mistake I made was going to keep me from ever seeing my little girl again.  I didn't grow up in an actively religious family and to be honest... I know very little about my religion.  I do know that I have been to other church services for other religions and I have never felt that they were right for me, they were never as comfortable as the services I attended as a child-the few times that we did attend.  But was that just because that was all I knew??  I am not saying I have never felt the spirit, I have and I know that.  The night Avery was born, I felt the spirit very strongly, but I don't know that it was hers. 

I guess right now I am just frustrated and scared.  I have been trying to talk myself in to going back to church for months now because I want to feel better.  I want to feel close to my Heavenly Father and more than anything I want to feel close to my daughter.  I just don't want to go back to beating myself up over every mistake I have ever made and will ever make.  I was told once that Satan will work on me harder when he knows that I am trying to do what is right.  That doesn't seem fair.  It is hard enough without thinking that I will never again be able to make a decision without Satan trying to persuade me to make the wrong one.  Is that really what life is supposed to be like?  I have a hard time believing that a Father that loves us more than we can comprehend, and wants the very best for us, would keep me from being with my daughter again because I can't find the strength to sit through meetings where I can't help but be constantly reminded of what I don't have and so desperately want.  When I should leave feeling happy and fulfilled, but actually leave feeling beat down and depressed.  Does He really want that for me? 

I am sorry to make this post all about faith, something I guess I have very little of right now.  I have been holding on to these feelings for months now and just needed to get them out and have a good cry at the same time.  I only ask that if you comment, please don't lecture me about religion and don't make it a religion debate. 

I miss my daughter.  I love my daughter.  I am a mother with empty arms and it hurts.

P.S.  Keep in mind that I am extremely hormonal right now and lonely without my hubby here.  I do know that I am blessed with so many things in my life, I just needed a little vent session.


Patty Sampson said...

Hi Candi, I am a friend of Charise's here in Philadelphia. I have been a member all my life, and had those SAME feelings when I lost my baby. I was so angry, and hurt, and deeply frustrated that it was all I could do to even talk to the people in my ward. I really couldn't bring myself to go to church. It was years (literally 5 of them) before I felt like I could feel anything but angry at God. Why did He have to be so mean to me? Why did I have to struggle when every teenager who sneezed hard enough got pregnant? And then I learned a huge lesson. I wanted to be a Mom so badly, but there are limitations to what you can do when you are a Mom. I mean, your influence is focused on your child (and I know you will have one) and so your circle gets smaller. God needed my circle to stay larger for a little while longer so I could do some good in the world that only He knew about. God loves us- mistakes and all. And He won't keep you from seeing Avery again. Every mistake is not measured - but every effort to do something good is. Life is about learning, and falling, and keeping going. And you have really been the best example of keeping going that I have ever seen. Your desires are pure and something I know God is proud of. And one day you'll be able to hear Him. In the mean time, maybe you could ask Him to feel Avery or to get that comfort that you need. And don't beat yourself up too much. You are strong, capable, and inspiring to others. And I have been blessed reading your blog, and I know your baby will be SO lucky to be so loved before he/she even gets here.

Inklings said...

It's okay to have vent sessions. We all need those from time to time. I hope you can find the answers you need. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

You need to say whats on your mind and you need to say it how you need to say it *hugs*

I hope you find the answers that you seek. I believe God will lead you in the right direction. *hugs*

kemra said...

Hi Candi,
I don't know you, but ran across your blog on a friends. Your story has really touched me, and breaks my heart. I am praying for you!

I hope this doesn't come across as a religious lecture - it is not my intent, but I just wanted you to know that Heavenly Father doesn't expect perfection from you, or any of us. He knows your heart - which is CLEARLY in the right place. I think one of Satan's biggest tools is reminding us of every thing we do wrong, and convincing us that we will never be good enough. Heavenly Father just wants us to do our best - and I truly believe that you ARE!!! Don't beat yourself up about it! You are an amazing woman. Hang in there. I wish I could could come and give you a hug.


Talia Smith said...

Hi Candi, I read your blog once in a while and I just want to tell you that you are so amazing. You touch so many people's lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your little Angel is so beautiful and I hope you get feeling better.---Talia

Lindsay said...

You don't know me, but as others have said, your blog has touched many lives, including mine. As I read your thoughts they really hit home for me, and not because I'm going through the same thing. I am 30 and single, and feeling like the one thing I want in my life is what I'm SUPPOSED to want but for some reason I still can't have it has been so hard to deal with. I don't understand how being alone could be the plan for me.

But, my story is not what I wanted to share with you. I wanted to tell you something I realized a few months ago and I hope it helps you a little bit. I have always thought that trials related to family ~ never getting married, getting married but not being able to have a baby, having a baby and losing it, etc ~ are the hardest things a person can have to deal with. If that is true, the people who are given those trials must be the strongest people, because we know we won't be given trials we aren't able to handle.

Even if it doesn't always feel like it, YOU ARE SO STRONG. Not everyone would be able to handle the things you have been through.

I know that doesn't make it feel better or make losing Avery easier, but I hope you know that other people look at you as being an incredible woman who is so strong. Don't forget that!

Nathalie Smith said...

Don't let anyone ever let you feel that you won't see Avery again, if you don't live perfectly here. You will. Our God is a very loving God, and he sees whats in your heart. He feels your pain.

You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your story. :)