Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Plan

Sometimes I wish I knew what He had in store for me. I wish that for just one day I could see into the future, see if I can actually survive all that is in store. I know that there is a Plan and that it is something that I have already agreed to. I just think sometimes that it would be so much easier to get through the days if I knew what was coming next.

I guess I can say that I have survived (so far) yet another attempt to get pregnant. We tried another IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) on January 15th. I don't know if I jinxed myself or if my intuition is right on but within the first couple of days after the procedure I knew that it hadn't worked. My body, however, decided to trick me a little bit and made my cycle a few days longer just so that I could get my hopes up a little bit- only to have them crushed once again. I know I should be used to the disappointment by now but I'm not. It doesn't get easier to get a BFN (Big Fat Negative) every month, if anything it gets more difficult. I told myself, and Skeet, that this IUI would be our last. Each attempt costs around $1,000 and we don't even know if it would ever work. I am down to one fallopian tube and I am convinced that it doesn't even function as it should. I am now even more confident that my initial feeling, that IVF would be our only successful way to actually get pregnant, is correct.

So the only thing that has gotten me through this disappointment in the past is having another procedure to look forward to. Unfortunately I only have one left to look forward to and it has to work. We have two snowbabies (frozen embryos) waiting for us in Las Vegas and they are my last shot to become pregnant. I made a promise to myself that if our IUI attempts didn't work, I would wait until May to set a day for our last FET (frozen embryo transfer). So, after I was certain that our last IUI was a failure I called my favorite IVF nurse-Tracy- to discuss dates for transfer. After speaking to Skeet and praying about it we have decided that May 14th sounds like a good day for a transfer. I am hanging all my hopes on my last two snowbabies. There is a 10% chance that they may not survive the thaw and that scares me more than anything. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands once again and have faith that He will help me through it all either way.

Until then, I will fight off this awful sinus infection and sore throat and I will focus on my school work. I hope to find out whether or not I will be starting the Radiology Program in the Fall within the next couple of months. I have yet to finish painting my front room and my house is in desperate need of some deep cleaning. So hopefully I have plenty to keep me busy the next couple of months so that I don't dwell on the upcoming FET.

No matter how busy I am, I still think of my Avery many times a day. I still miss her every second and wonder what life would be like if she had lived. I look through my baby book and wonder if she would have looked more like me or more like Skeet. My arms still ache for her but I still thank my Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to be her mother. For all that I have gained for being her mom and for all I have learned. I wouldn't trade any of it. I miss you baby girl, I love you, I will always love you and I can't wait to hold you again.

12 comments:

Tiffany said...

Candi,
I am so sorry your last IUI didn't work. BFN's really are hard to deal with time and time again. IF world is also hard and it does make you wonder what the end result will be in each of our lives. I am praying you make is peacefully through until your FET in May. I hope you get into school as well. Good luck and take care,
Tiffany

Jennifer said...

God's plan is so hard to see. Sometimes I just don't get it and I plan to discuss that with him when we meet face to face! Meanwhile I just try to live my life the best I can and face each day's challenges with spirit and hope. I'll keep praying for a successful transfer for you guys. And I still think of Avery.

Tina said...

Those darn BFN's. I hate them too; especially when you have just put your heart and soul into an IUI. I've had three of them fail and we finally decided that it wasn't worth another try. On the other hand, that is exciting that you've set a date for the FET. Good luck with that and keep us posted!

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

My heart breaks for you as I read your post tonight...sometimes the plan seems so unfair! We too have spent thousands on infertility treatments that have all been unsuccessful...very frustrating! We will keep you in our prayers and hope for the best in May! I love you and think of you and Avery often.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

A BFN is never easy to deal with and it gets worse every month no matter how long you have gone through the painful process of getting your hopes up and then being so let down. I'm sorry this didn't work for you. I am wishing and hoping your snowbabies survive the thaw and that your FET can be successful. You are such a great mommy to Avery and I would love to see you get the opportunity to bring home a baby. Hugs.

The Neilsons said...

Sorry it didn't work -I was really hoping it would. I start praying for May! You are a strong woman to get through everything you have.

Lisa said...

Candi - I'm so sorry you got another BFN from the IUI. I know exactly how you are feeling as we have both experienced such great lost. On a brigther note, I'm so happy that you've decided on a date for the FET. I hope May 14th comes around quickly and you will be in prayers. I think having the FET date will be a good thing becuase it gives you some to look forward to. I know going through this current fresh cycle has given me back some hope. I really hope 2009 is our year.

Kelly said...

Candi..I am rooting for you..I am saying many prayers that your FET will work!

Liz - Jess said...

You have so much faith. We will be praying and fasting for you. :-)

Tonya said...

Candi - If I could hug you right now, you know I would. My heartaches for you. Life is not fair and sometimes I wonder why, if God has plans for us, doesn't he show them. Make it now, yet we sit, each day live our lives as we put a smile on our faces, hoping people don't see through them. I wish I could give you the courage and stength to believe it will all work out. Your love for Avery surpasses the love you can humanly give. I know that. Please know, I love you and think of you often!! Sometimes, when things don't work out, there is a reason and we will see it together!!

Miss you bunches!!

Jenny said...

Candi, I'm so sorry it didn't work. I too, will pray that the May FET will work. Hang in there until then. I am amazed at your faith, and look up to you for that. Please keep us posted!

Lindsay-Weaver said...

I really hope that this next try works for you guys! I can tell you're a great mother. I agree that sometimes it would be easier to deal with a definite yes or a definite no answer, because you could do your grieving and move on. I think IVF might be our only way to get pregnant, too. You should e-mail me sometime about your experience. I'd love to hear from someone that went through it first hand. My e-mail: shanhouston@hotmail.com Also, is Las Vegas a better clinic than U of U? My Dr. recommended U of U. Just curious if you know if there's a difference besides distance.