Sometimes I wish I knew what He had in store for me. I wish that for just one day I could see into the future, see if I can actually survive all that is in store. I know that there is a Plan and that it is something that I have already agreed to. I just think sometimes that it would be so much easier to get through the days if I knew what was coming next.
I guess I can say that I have survived (so far) yet another attempt to get pregnant. We tried another IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) on January 15th. I don't know if I jinxed myself or if my intuition is right on but within the first couple of days after the procedure I knew that it hadn't worked. My body, however, decided to trick me a little bit and made my cycle a few days longer just so that I could get my hopes up a little bit- only to have them crushed once again. I know I should be used to the disappointment by now but I'm not. It doesn't get easier to get a BFN (Big Fat Negative) every month, if anything it gets more difficult. I told myself, and Skeet, that this IUI would be our last. Each attempt costs around $1,000 and we don't even know if it would ever work. I am down to one fallopian tube and I am convinced that it doesn't even function as it should. I am now even more confident that my initial feeling, that IVF would be our only successful way to actually get pregnant, is correct.
So the only thing that has gotten me through this disappointment in the past is having another procedure to look forward to. Unfortunately I only have one left to look forward to and it has to work. We have two snowbabies (frozen embryos) waiting for us in Las Vegas and they are my last shot to become pregnant. I made a promise to myself that if our IUI attempts didn't work, I would wait until May to set a day for our last FET (frozen embryo transfer). So, after I was certain that our last IUI was a failure I called my favorite IVF nurse-Tracy- to discuss dates for transfer. After speaking to Skeet and praying about it we have decided that May 14th sounds like a good day for a transfer. I am hanging all my hopes on my last two snowbabies. There is a 10% chance that they may not survive the thaw and that scares me more than anything. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands once again and have faith that He will help me through it all either way.
Until then, I will fight off this awful sinus infection and sore throat and I will focus on my school work. I hope to find out whether or not I will be starting the Radiology Program in the Fall within the next couple of months. I have yet to finish painting my front room and my house is in desperate need of some deep cleaning. So hopefully I have plenty to keep me busy the next couple of months so that I don't dwell on the upcoming FET.
No matter how busy I am, I still think of my Avery many times a day. I still miss her every second and wonder what life would be like if she had lived. I look through my baby book and wonder if she would have looked more like me or more like Skeet. My arms still ache for her but I still thank my Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to be her mother. For all that I have gained for being her mom and for all I have learned. I wouldn't trade any of it. I miss you baby girl, I love you, I will always love you and I can't wait to hold you again.