Childhood Dream

I don't normally go to a lot of concerts, basically just RF and Gary. However, when I was younger my dream.... one thing I wanted more than anything... was to see Bon Jovi in concert. I am now 27 and have still not seen them. Occasionally I get an email from Ticketmaster informing me of upcoming concerts in the SLC and Vegas area. Today the email showed that Bon Jovi was going to be at the Hard Rock on April 24. Now, if any of you have been to the Joint at the Hard Rock or even the House of Blues (which is very similar) you know that it is a pretty small venue and makes for an awesome concert. I couldn't believe it! I got so excited that I might finally have a chance to do what I have always dreamed. So I go to the website to look at ticket prices. I about choked!! There were three ticket prices, the first was approximately $180, the second approximately $460 and the third was around $780. How am I ever supposed to achieve my childhood dream at a price like that?? I am so bummed.

Don't get me wrong, I have other dreams, much more meaningful dreams. But I remember having to write down 100 goals - things to do before you die- in the 5th grade and seeing Bon Jovi live was at the very top of the list. I guess it will never happen. What a pathetic dream but oh how depressed it makes me to know that I may never have a chance before they retire! ;)

Late Valentine

Well Skeet has been out of town for 18 days now. He has been in Huntsville, TX helping with their prescribed burns and clearing the forest a little bit. He usually makes a trip or two to Texas every spring before fire season starts, and every spring I miss him even more. Luckily this time I have had plenty of school and painting to keep me busy so that the time went by pretty quickly. So tomorrow night when he gets home I will have a late Valentine's dinner waiting for him and some very much needed (on both parts) hugs and kisses.

Here are some pictures of what I have done while he has been gone.

I am almost done painting the entertainment center, I only have the bottom sections to do and I hope to finish them tomorrow morning. And yes, that TV you see is our NEW TV. The one we had up there when he left was ancient (my parents have had it for probably 15 years) and there was a good deal at the Boulevard so I went and got us a new one. It is small but when we can afford a bigger one then we will move this one into our bedroom.

I finally finished my shelf and my dad helped to me to get it on the wall. I think I put it too high and so I haven't hung the pictures yet so they are just sitting on the shelf. Skeet doesn't want me to lower it because I would have to drill more holes in the wall, but you won't be able to see the holes so I am still working on getting his permission.

I finally decided to change my hair. I am growing it out so that I can donate it to Locks of Love and because of that I couldn't do much to it, so I decided to cut bangs. (Thanks Kristie!) It isn't a huge change but it is a little different than what I have had for the past 3 years! I am still trying to get used to them. Here is a before picture to compare. ( I took these with my phone to send to Skeet. He insists on at least one picture a day)

I am thinking I look much better without bangs so I will be growing them back out. Lucky for me my hair grows fast!

Even though the 19 days went by fast it feels like it's been months since I have seen him. A few things I have enjoyed are having the TV to myself and not having to watch one Simpsons episode. I have also enjoyed hogging the bed and being able to fall asleep with no TV in the background. I haven't had to feel guilty about the time I spend on homework and my house has stayed pretty clean! There hasn't been hardly any laundry to do and I don't have anyone to fight for the laptop.

None of that, however, is worth what I have missed. I have missed seeing his smiling, welcoming face when I come home from class and hearing him tell Callie that Mom's home. I have missed his big bear hugs that make me feel so safe and loved. I miss the way he smells right out of the shower and the way he likes to walk around the house in his boxers! I miss how his warm feet always welcome my ice cold piggies (toes, piggies is his term.. I love it) at night when we get into bed. I miss being able to snuggle up to his warm body when I get cold and his sweet goodnight kisses. I miss that he warms up my car in the morning even if it's just to get all the frost off of it so it's ready to go when I am running late (which is every day). I miss all the little things that I take for granted when he is around.

I truly believe that his job and his absences because of it have made our marriage so much stronger. We learn to appreciate each other so much more because of the time that we have to spend apart. I am so thankful for him and his willingness to work so hard so that we can have all that we need. We may not have it all, but we have each other, and that is enough.

On another note, it is usually around this time of year that I am preparing to buy tickets to Rascal Flatts' Vegas show... unfortunately they have yet to post a Vegas date. I am getting a little antsy and anxious. I even had a dream about a RF concert last night. I am so ready to see them again! They put on a great show. Charise will be coming to visit at the end of March so now I am hoping that they will end up coming to Vegas while she is here. She shares my obsession (almost as much) and we have gone to the concert "together" for the past couple of years.

Before I end this novel, I just wanted to share an experience I had last night while I was sitting on the couch watching Grey's. I was cuddled up under a blanket trying to get warm and had my arms positioned as I would if I had a huge pregnant belly between them. Now I didn't realize that they were in this position until I had a flashback of sitting in that exact position while pregnant with Avery, and singing "You Are My Sunshine" to her. And for a short moment last night I could almost feel her inside me again. I felt, for that split second, like I was pregnant and it was the strangest thing. When I think back to my pregnancy I can't really remember what it was like to have the big swollen stomach. It's almost like my brain blocks any memory of that feeling. I remember being pregnant but I can't picture it or remember how it felt, and I have wanted to so badly. So this little flashback I had last night was very welcomed but it made me cry. It only added to the intense desire I have to be pregnant again. It is such an amazing experience to find out that you are expecting and immediately have a love for the baby growing inside of you. Even if you don't know the gender or what they will look like, you love him/her and it only grows with each passing day. Then, once you start to show that love intensifies and honestly, only someone who has been there would know what I am talking about. I want to feel that again, more than anything else in this world. I can only pray that the Lord has planned that for me in the future.

How in the world???

I am going to try to not get worked up over this post. I have had so many mixed emotions over this whole thing since I first heard of it.... I am talking about the octuplets. My first question is... what doctor in his right mind, would transfer 6 embryos??? Those of us that have been through the IVF process know that most REs will not transfer more than 2 or 3 at a time because of the health risks that comes with having multiples. I think the Dr. should be in charge of taking care of each and every one of those babies including putting them through college.

Second, how in the HELL (pardon my language) did a woman on FOOD STAMPS and living with her MOTHER afford to do IVF that many times? I mean really??? Come on!! My husband and I both have good jobs and try to live within our means and we will be paying off our IVF for years to come.

Third: Those poor babies!! They didn't ask to be brought into the world this way, and to a mother who is not responsible enough to even know when enough is enough. Her first 6 kids are going to suffer now because there are 8 more mouths to feed. 14 kids are going to have to live off of the government and the kindness of others because their mother is a freakin idiot!!

I won't even get started on the grandmother and the home they have been living in.

I want to scream at someone. It just doesn't seem fair!! All I want is one healthy baby to love and care for... and this deranged woman gets 14 that she can't care for??? I keep trying to remind myself that it is not my place to judge and there must be a reason that this person has been blessed with 14 beautiful children that she can't afford to take care of. You have no idea how many times the thought of these babies has gotten me so worked up to the point of a near anxiety attack. Then today I ran across this... http://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/ the woman has the nerve to ask for donations!! It makes you wonder if that was her idea all along... maybe she'd get a TV deal and be the next John and Kate Plus 8.... maybe she'd get rich off of her pretty little babies and never have to work and could pay someone to take care of them for her. I took one look at those sweet babies and my heart just broke! It really just doesn't seem fair...

The Plan

Sometimes I wish I knew what He had in store for me. I wish that for just one day I could see into the future, see if I can actually survive all that is in store. I know that there is a Plan and that it is something that I have already agreed to. I just think sometimes that it would be so much easier to get through the days if I knew what was coming next.

I guess I can say that I have survived (so far) yet another attempt to get pregnant. We tried another IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) on January 15th. I don't know if I jinxed myself or if my intuition is right on but within the first couple of days after the procedure I knew that it hadn't worked. My body, however, decided to trick me a little bit and made my cycle a few days longer just so that I could get my hopes up a little bit- only to have them crushed once again. I know I should be used to the disappointment by now but I'm not. It doesn't get easier to get a BFN (Big Fat Negative) every month, if anything it gets more difficult. I told myself, and Skeet, that this IUI would be our last. Each attempt costs around $1,000 and we don't even know if it would ever work. I am down to one fallopian tube and I am convinced that it doesn't even function as it should. I am now even more confident that my initial feeling, that IVF would be our only successful way to actually get pregnant, is correct.

So the only thing that has gotten me through this disappointment in the past is having another procedure to look forward to. Unfortunately I only have one left to look forward to and it has to work. We have two snowbabies (frozen embryos) waiting for us in Las Vegas and they are my last shot to become pregnant. I made a promise to myself that if our IUI attempts didn't work, I would wait until May to set a day for our last FET (frozen embryo transfer). So, after I was certain that our last IUI was a failure I called my favorite IVF nurse-Tracy- to discuss dates for transfer. After speaking to Skeet and praying about it we have decided that May 14th sounds like a good day for a transfer. I am hanging all my hopes on my last two snowbabies. There is a 10% chance that they may not survive the thaw and that scares me more than anything. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands once again and have faith that He will help me through it all either way.

Until then, I will fight off this awful sinus infection and sore throat and I will focus on my school work. I hope to find out whether or not I will be starting the Radiology Program in the Fall within the next couple of months. I have yet to finish painting my front room and my house is in desperate need of some deep cleaning. So hopefully I have plenty to keep me busy the next couple of months so that I don't dwell on the upcoming FET.

No matter how busy I am, I still think of my Avery many times a day. I still miss her every second and wonder what life would be like if she had lived. I look through my baby book and wonder if she would have looked more like me or more like Skeet. My arms still ache for her but I still thank my Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to be her mother. For all that I have gained for being her mom and for all I have learned. I wouldn't trade any of it. I miss you baby girl, I love you, I will always love you and I can't wait to hold you again.