Sunday, May 4, 2008

Where did it come from???

Until recently, I have been extremely proud of myself with the way I have been able to handle seeing pregnant women and newborn babies. I have rarely asked the question "Why?" ( I say rarely because nobody is perfect). The last 6+ months I have tried really hard not to throw myself a pity party and I have tried to be happy for those that are able to be blessed with healthy pregnancies and babies. For some reason, it is not so easy anymore.
Yesterday I attended the graduation convocation for the SUU School of Business, because I had been asked to help out. The day started off stressful and when I got there I was a little bit on edge. Then, as I noticed all the baby bumps and strollers coming through the doors I started to feel bitter. I tried not to notice but anyone who has dealt with fertility issues or has lost a child will agree that it is hard not to notice. It is almost like you develop a hyper sensitive pregnancy beacon that automatically points your eyes in the direction of a pregnant woman or baby and makes it incredibly hard to look away. There were so many young couples that were expecting or had just welcomed a new little baby and I found myself wondering "why?".

I think that I am particularly emotional right now because my only sister just moved across the country, and she took my adorable nephew with her. Ayden, my nephew, had become my own personal "cheerer upper". Anytime I had a bad day all I had to do was stop by and see him smile at me and all the bad stuff just seemed to go away. No one could spend 15 minutes with that kid and not come away smiling and in a better mood. He has an adorable smile and gives hugs that melt your heart. He has been my little buddy since the day he was born, and Charise isn't too bad either! ;) She moved in with me when she was around six or seven months pregnant with him and it had been a couple of years since the last time we had lived with each other. I had really missed her being around. So when she was finally back in Utah it was so great to always have her there to watch Grey's, go to lunch, or just sit and talk. After Ayden was born she moved in with my parents but we stayed very close. (They only live 10 minutes away!!) This past December she married a great guy. He treats her well and loves Ayden, they seem to be made for each other. The only problem is... he is currently in Dental School in Philadelphia. They lived apart, seeing each other a couple of times a month, for 5 months and she finally made the move this weekend. It wasn't the first time I have had to say good bye to her but it was definitely the hardest. Probably because this time we had to say goodbye to both her and Ayden.
I really don't know what I am going to do without her. She got me through the hardest time of my life. She was always there for me and she loved Avery so much. I really don't know what I am going to do with out her. It is really hard to be happy for her when I miss them both so badly.

So, I am blaming my recent moments of weakness to her leaving. I can only handle one extreme emotion at a time and with Mother's Day coming up next weekend, my best sister and favorite little guy being thousands of miles away and the extremely obvious pregnancy epidemic going around... it's just too much to deal with. I am giving myself credit for being able to make it through everyday without having a complete breakdown.


Danette said...

I didn't know ALL of that...I mean I heard that Charise got married, but that's it!! I'm so sorry. She is only a phone call away, right?? And I am sure Ayden is getting big enough now to 'talk' on the phone too!! I know you will get through it all with your head up high like you have the past 7 are such an inspiration!

The Valiant Family Updates said...

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS! I feel for you-if my sis moved away I would be lost and icky too! And I do know what you mean about "everyone" being pregnant or with new babies...while blessed to have 3 children, I did everything aside from IVF to get TJ and then waited for 4 years (including a miscarraige) to FINALLY conceive Jake. Four years of "trying" as I know you know, was awful and I finally had accepted lfe with one child (and was blessed with Jake) and then 3 more years of "trying" for Owen. I know it's not the same but I did go thru (and still do to some extent) counting the days, temperature taking, ovulation tests, injections, pills, rivers of tears and it always seemed like (especially with being an L&D RN) there were so many woman who weren't happy about their pregnancy or didn't value the ease they have in conceiving. This probably didn't help but I was just trying to say, I know what you mean (at leas in some ways) and I will pray that God blesses you guys with the miracle and joys of another baby SOON! Hugs! ~R

Tina said...

I agree, it is hard to go out and see all the pregnant women. I also agree that it seems like there are sooooooo many right now. One of these days, I'm confident, that you and I will get our turns. I'm impatiently waiting!

Tonya said...


You have every right to feel the way you do! The way you manage to get through the days only help you get through the next. Avery loves you, you know that and if she had it her way, she would be in your arms, but there is a reason our Lord wanted her with him and she is watching you, hugging you every moment you need it!

Love you sweetie!!

Clare Dungey said...

Oh Candi,

I do know exactly what you are talking about - everyone seems to have a beautiful bump, baby or child! I have good days where I feel pleased for them all and bad days when it hurts so much to have empty arms.

It made me cry to read about your sister moving away with your nephew - you feel for him how I feel for my nephew and niece - if they moved away, it would break my heart also.

Our time will come and we have to cling to the hope we have in God's plans - He is faithful.

Love you guys!

Jennifer said...

I so wish I could do or say something to ease that terrible pain! Just know that I still think about you and Avery and Skeet every day.

I know how hard it is for Cat and her sister Anne to be so far away from each other. Sisters and best friends!

Love is sent your way!