Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Halloween 2011

I have always loved Halloween but I know I am going to love it so much more now that I have a little one to dress up and show off! This year was pretty laid back. We didn't attend any parties like we usually do because Skeet was gone and Sawyer had just had his 6 months shots which included a flu shot and ended up with a fever the next day. I could tell he wasn't feeling well because he wouldn't let me put him down all day and he just wanted to cuddle. I felt really bad for him but at the same time I enjoyed a full day of doing nothing but cuddling the cutest little guy ever! On Halloween I left work a little early to dress him up so that I could bring him to my office and show off our cute little monkey. It was a very warm day and his costume was pretty warm too so I kept taking it off and putting it back on. By the time we got the camera out to take pictures he had had it with the costume so I was surprised to get a smile for the pictures.

Yes that is a banana on his head.  A lot of people couldn't tell that he was a monkey... I guess I can see it now that I see the pictures.  Whatever he was, he was dang cute!! 

Here are some other fun pictures that we've taken lately.

This time of year is hard for me.  I miss Avery so much more in the Fall. I think it's because of all the family togetherness that happens this time of year.  Also, something about the Fall air just takes me back to the week she was born.  At four years old she would have loved Halloween this year.  I know that she would have loved her baby brother and would be wanting to help mom with him all the time.  I just think of how much Sawyer would have loved her.  I watch him stare at Callie and laugh at her and I think that he probably would have liked his sister a lot more because she wouldn't ignore him like Callie does.  I wish my little girl was still with us... so much.. but I wonder if I would appreciate my children as much if she were. I like to think that I would but I will never know. 

I am also driving myself crazy.  Maybe I shouldn't say this out loud but I think my heart is still afraid that Sawyer is going to be taken away from me.  I will be watching him sleep and just become sick with fear that something is going to happen.  When I was pregnant I used to pray every night that God wouldn't take this baby away from me.  I still pray that, every night, every morning, all day long.  I don't know if this fear is what is keeping me from accepting that I am a mom and I have this amazing little boy?  I love him so much that I can't even describe it but I still can't believe he is mine.  Seriously, can someone tell me if that feeling ever goes away?  Will I ever get used to the idea?  I honestly feel like I am going crazy!  Ugh!  I just want to stop worrying but I have a feeling that I will worry about this little boy forever!


KieraAnne said...

I've never lost a baby and I do the same thing. I think it just comes from being a mom. I just try not to think about it too much. That's hard when you hear about kids getting hurt or killed or in accidents, etc... My worst fear at the moment is for some reason losing control of the van on a bridge and crashing into the water. With all the buckles and car seats I know I couldn't get everyone out and that scares me to death.

Amy said...

I used to feel that way too- I think once you've suffered a loss the realization that anything can happen just sticks with you. I do think the longer you have him the more used to it you will become. Just like living with your loss gets easier, but the feelings never entirely go away, the fear will subside too. Hang in there- he is an adorable boy and you are a great mom!